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Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/20/2006 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
So now I'm stupidly depressed.
I'm absolutely fed up of having no money.
I want to be able to go out and buy things that I want. I want to be able to have lunch out once in a while.
And the closer I get to going to uni and actually getting money, the more it's driving me crazy.

My boyfriend just doesn't get it. He doesn't see why I want to go out for lunch.

He doesn't realise that on the VERY rare occasions we go out into town anyway, he buys a load of books and dvds and I'm just standing around wishing I could buy stuff.
That feels really horrible.

We went out on Saturday cos I was going crazy stuck in the house all the time, and we just went to 2 bookshops for him.

That's not going out in my mind.
And I REALLY wanted to sit down and have a bite to eat and a drink.

He just doesn't get it, and I'm getting worse and worse.

I hate myself because I have no money, because I can't just go and buy things I really want, and even things I really need.

And then he wonders why I'm 'mopey' all day.

I can't explain to him how much this is driving me crazy. I actually feel like I should just give up because I can't wait another couple of weeks for money!
It's not my fault; my brain is being stupid, I know this is the BP, but I'm really going crazy.

And then he said we're not the kind of people who can go out to lunch on a whim cos of money... but he'll spend £100 in a day on books and dvds on a whim!
And yes, he should be able to spend his money on himself... and I don't want him to spend money on me cos that's not fair... but... it feels unfair at the moment.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


Phoelona
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 9/20/2006 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Djonma. I really feel that you should tell your boyfriend, that you need to go out to lunch once in a while for yourself, that you are going stir crazy, and that you need some time to go out to lunch, and would he mind helping you to do this maybe 2 times a month by paying for lunch for you, so that you can get out of the house for a while. Maybe even explaining how you are feeling having no money would be a stress reliever as well, since this seems to be a problem as well at this time. I do not feel that your boyfriend is unreasonable, maybe you are not being assertive enough to get your point across to your boyfriend, so that he can help meet your needs. There is nothing wrong with accepting money, or help from your boyfriend in getting things that you need, since his buying, and you not having money to buy things will eventually become a sore spot in your relationship eventually if you do not start telling your boyfriend what your problems are and what is needed of him from you. I hope that you feel better soon and think about talking to your boyfriend soon about your concerns. Take care I hope everything goes well with you, and your boyfriend Djonma. Phoelona

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/20/2006 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Djonma,

Oh poor hunny -- I was a little worried that there might be a crash -- not because I doubted you, but because this illness is so often 2 steps forward 1 step back. Please try to remember all the progress you have made (make yourself a list and display it big and proud!!) and don't beat yourself up about falling back a bit. You won't be truly stable until you're on meds for bipolar -- but that time is coming and you will get there (with us rooting for you all the way!!!!!): never give up -- you're too valuable for that.

I agree with Phoelona that some kind of compromise position with your bf might be in order. The eating out twice a month deal sounds good. If he's still worried about money, why don't you ask if you can make a picnic together and go somewhere nice with that? Much cheaper than eating out in a restaurant or bar, and the change of surroundings would do you good -- plus a picnic tends to be quieter -- less buzziness to trigger that bp.

((((Djonma))))

Rosie x
 
P.S. If it helps, I never get out either -- still paying off postgraduate education loans -- so you and I are stuck together! -- It'll change soon with uni and a job to bring in some spending money, I promise! :)


********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/20/2006 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
excuse me, but when i was living in englands most (if not all) students at university were subsidized.  (1975-1984).  do i not remember properly or have things changed?
 
dj, relationships are aa partnership.  no one party can have the treats - or the negatives - all to themselves.  if you and your b/f don't have a partnership now, what future is there for you?  when my wife and i first got together, i opened my checkbook to her and she could have whatever we could afford and i could have anything i could afford.  in 35 yrs i don't think i've told her "no" once.  she is responsible and has always has been.  if she weren't we wouldn't be together now.
 
my wife and i try to go out to eat at least once/wk.  it's not the food - it's the companionship.  we talk at home a lot, but there's something about being out that makes the conersation special.  breakfast or lunch are the best meals out - they're the cheapist.
 
best of luck to you.  we're with you all the way.
 
warren

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/20/2006 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hahahahahahahaha Warren... erm, yes, things have changed! In 2001 or something, fees were introduced for undergraduate study (with lovely loans that are somehow supposed to make us all feel better about it, but which saddle you with debt when you graduate), then fees were hiked. Postgraduate education is one loan after another -- even when you get funding (which I did for my PhD but not my MA -- MAs rarely ever get funding -- at least in the humanities, though it may be different in the sciences). So I exited my education with £11,000 debts (which was pretty good compared to some of my friends), and then had to take whatever short term contracts in lecturing that I could for 3 years (one of which was pretty far-flung and travel for that year meant that I made a further loss and debt went up to £12,000 -- unavoidable if you want your CV to look good and therefore stand a chance of a permanant academic job...). 2 years into a permanent, and not too badly paid, lecturing post, but lord knows most of my pay gets allocated off at the beginning of the month to pay off the loan (for about the last year I've been paying off much more than I have to so that I can get it kicked sooner rather than later). We've also had strike action about pay in higher education, which has slipped so far behind inflation it's not even funny. That said, I'd be happy enough with the pay if they sorted out the financial problems people have to suffer to even get to that point. The old chestnut of "academia is a vocation and priviledged and you do it for the love" doesn't even ring true anymore because there's so much beaurocracy and class sizes are *much* bigger than they used to be (and in turn marking loads can feel almost catastrophic at times). It's a business just like any other these days. (Can you tell that I often feel like packing it all in??! -- Ha -- not that I'm qualified to do much else now!).

So there you have it -- quite a bit of change. (And a bit of a rant from yours truly too!)

Rosie x


********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


NiteScribe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 9/20/2006 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
DJ,

I believe you’re right in thinking the bipolar disorder can cause your thinking to become anxious and/or irritated. That’s why it’s so important to have a good twenty-four hour support group, the right medications and in addition some professional counseling if at all possible. The disability can really damage self-esteem and can cause people to chase away their friends and family. It sounds like you’re mildly to moderately depressed and about ready to kick your boyfriend in the shin. Making a picnic like rosie has suggested seems to be a really good bit of thinking. Try not to be too hard on yourself or your boyfriend.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/21/2006 1:01 AM (GMT -7)   
rosie,
 
BRING BACK THE TORIES!!!!!!!!!  where's maggie thatcher when you need her?  when i lived in london there were student protests and strikes to get larger stipends!
 
the situation here is pretty much the same as it is over there.  congess, however, is cutting back on grants and loans.  within a few years the "american dream" of a higher education leading to financial security will be nothing but a dream.  higher education will be as it was 100 yrs ago in britain:  only for the wealthy.
 
when i was there i lectured in several colleges and universities (computer science, data processing, and management) (including reading, dj).  one day i was walking down the high street in a small village and saw a sign at an employment agency for a position as a computer programmer with 1 yr experience, with an advertised salary L3,000 more than i was earning!  i turned to my wife and said, "that's one of my students!"  within 3 mos i was back in industry.  there are only so many saints available to teach.  i guess i ain't one of them.
 
sorry things have gone to he** over there.  i love britain.
 
warren

CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/21/2006 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dj

This may be terrible advice, and it may anger you. I hope not. But I know a couple that has been married for 37 years, and dated 5 years before that. They always kept their money separated into "his" money and "her" money. They have been miserable their entire marriage. They hate each other, but the reason they stayed together is they both thought a divorce would cut into one anothers money.

My terrible advice is you can do better than the current boyfriend. He is selfish, so selfish that he does not see that his self-absorbed behavior is unacceptible. And he never will.

Sorry

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/22/2006 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
He's not selfish... it was me spinning out of control... really, it's all ok now.
I was spinning out of control and getting paranoid about it all and about him. We don't keep our money seperate really; he pays for everything for me at the moment, I was the selfish one. And I didn't explain to him why I wanted to go out for lunch. If I had, I think he'd have taken me out.
I was just getting really bad, and I ended up in hospital for it.

But is' ok now and he loves me, and I love him :-)
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/23/2006 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Djonma,

I think your d/f has done some great things for you, and I know from what you've told us that this was a blip rather than him not caring -- which he so clearly does. But yes, keep honest with him always hunny: that's where the strength in any relationship lies -- and he'll value you all the more for it.

I'm going to respond to your post about being hospitalised in a mo, but for now (((Djonma))).

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

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