Stuff, things and hospitals

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Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/22/2006 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
<lj-cut text="You don't have to read this if you don't want to; it explains why I've been a bit odd recently">

I ended up in hospital this Wednesday and ended up in the psychiatric unit at Heatherwood hospital.
I got terribly strong violent urges and I suddenly 'woke up' realising I was slashing my wrists.
I was scared because it wasn't a rational 'I want to die' thought, so I couldn't talk myself out of it. I just had the urge and did it before I realised what I was doing. So I was terrified I'd find myself doing it with a real knife. The object I used was very blunt fortunately
.
It was enough to prevent me from finishing what I'd started, and things are ok at the moment.
There's some confusion about the BP as one of the doctors listed a load of things that BPs do that I don't do... despite me having told about 5 different doctors (including her) that I did do those things.
But the senior consultant having read all the notes seems to have done a 'hang on, actually...' over this.
I'll see my normal GP on monday and sort out medication. I've been assigned a community psych nurse and a psychiatrist, all of which is being done under Reading as I move into halls in a week.

I'd say don't worry, I'm not a homicidal lunatic... but that's only when I get onto medication :-P

Feeling rather good at the moment; hospital wasn't too bad. I had my own room, and I got to see Rob in the evening.
And I have Rob now.
He is truly, truly fantastic.

So... I've told my friends using my livejournal, and people will still have to bear with me a bit whilst I settle - I'm still very manic, and although the nurses couldn't see it; it's pretty obvious if you know me well and know what kinds of things I normally can't talk about.
Obviously there'll be some time whilst I get used to medication, but that should solve most of the problems, and Rob and I are going to work on a special system I got from a book that will solve any kinds of bad problems as and when they happen, rather than me sitting hiding from him getting worse and worse, which is what I've done so far.

I've got a LOT of really good things to look forward to at the moment - Uni, Rob, the Bengals thrashing the Steelers on Sunday, so there's a lot of positive for me to focus on, so I should be ok.

I just lost control a bit on Wednesday.
It happens to everyone.
Unfortunately for me, it was rather serious.

But I'm ok.
I have Rob :-)

Oh and the ward had a cat! :-)
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/22/2006 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((DJ))))).  i'm so so sorry.  i know that all of us have these problems from time to time, but that doesn't make it any easier.  having someone there with you, bob, helps.  as i've said many times, i don't know what i'd ever do without my wife.
 
the ward had a CAT!  how wonderful.  my wife and i are cat people.  we had two that we brought back from england.  one lived 15 yrs and the otherr one lived 18 yrs.  really miss them.  then we had two more up until a yr ago.  one died and then a yr later the other one died.  we swore off of cats after the last one died.  after we got back to tx we opened the patio door in back and this beautiful white cat with ginger markings just waltzed through the door.  my wife fed him, and he is still with us.
 
no tellin'.
 
jang in there, dj.  we're all here for you.  talk, rant, rave, whatever.
 
warren

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/23/2006 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Djonma sweetheart, what a few days you've had. I'm so sorry you found yourself like this, but so pleased that the object was blunt and that you got help so quickly. -- And I'm seriously impressed at your attitude to all of this. Your response and summary speak nothing but sanity and good sense to me. -- The bp may cause you to have terrible moments, but *you* are very strong, and I've never been more aware of that than I am now (and that's saying something, because I've sensed for a while how strong you are).

As you say, the positive here is that your help will come sooner rather than later -- and I'm rooting for you for Monday!! -- And you're right, you've *so* much to look forward to: not just uni, Rob and the Bengals, but a whole life in which I just know you'll end up thriving because of all that strength and talent.

Big hugs to you (((Djonma))) -- and for Rob, who I think is a star in his own right.

Love ya hun,

Rosie x

P.S. A ward cat? -- What a brilliant idea! That's forward thinking in the health sphere. Oh how I wish I had a cat ... one day! Can you have a goldfish in halls? They're also very relaxing. I miss my last one. Think it may be time soon to get another friendly lil' fish for me!
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/23/2006 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the great responses guys.
I am strong, I know this... it's amazing; one of the nurses told me it was impossible to control bp without medication when I explained to her that I'd been able to control it up til now.
That just isn't true.
Scientific studies have proven that meditation changes the physical structure of the brain.
I've been meditating since I was about 10!
My mind is very much in control of itself and my body, and I CAN control things that some people think can't be controlled.
But that's a large problem with western medicine; they don't seem to believe in the power of the mind, when it's been proved over and over again that you can do amazing things with your mind.

I'm hoping I can convince my psych doc to try and convince my Uni that having a cat would be beneficial to my mental health.
I coped as a teenager with these mood problems (the bp) and after serious abuse just because I had my cat.
My parents are happy for me to have the eldest one; she's the one I'm closest to, I just hope that if a doctor puts it in writing, the halls will accept it.
After all; there are provisions for guide dogs.
And although I'd only have a single room, it wouldn't be cruel on her - she's got a slipped disc in her spine and has had 6 weeks confined to a cage with occasional letting out in a single room to help her back heal, and she's going to have to have surgery and another 6 weeks in a cage to let it heal again. So she's very much used to a single room now! And she's not much of a going out cat anyway!

I REALLY do think that that would help me. Now to convince my new psych doc and the uni :-)
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/23/2006 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh and I must say - I draw a lot of strength from here!
Even when I was in hospital, I knew I'd be able to come home and post here and everyone would understand!
It's amazing just how much that means to me.
You all understand exactly what I'm going through, that really makes an amazing difference.
I can talk to my friends all I want about it, but they won't really understand.

Rob understands a lot more now; I made sure he was with me all the time when I told my 'life story' to a million different nurses and doctors wednesday night. I've told him EVERYTHING I feel and think when I'm bad, including all the terrifying thoughts of hurting him and other people.
He's watched me go through this and he's been there every second that he's been allowed (visiting hours in hospital permitting).
So although he hasn't got it himself; he understands a hell of a lot more than most people without it, which is really good.

We're going to be making up cards from the BiPolar Happens book. That card system she made. Rob and I think it's a fantastic idea and since we're both still pretty new to understanding all of what's going on with me (I'm still looking back at my childhood and thinking "OH GOD! That was mania!") it'll help us cope a lot.

I'm going to give a set to the university disability office as well, so that if I have problems, I can go straight to someone there and they can look at the cards and work out what to do.
I've got a mental health nurse (though I don't know his number yet and haven't met him yet, I think I'll find out about that on Monday) and I'll have a Psych doc, and I have the crisis team phone number, so I'll give all of that information to the uni as well.
I think it's best if they know what to do if I'm bad.

I've hidden all of this WAY too long, it's time for me to not hide it from anyone, and to talk to people who can help when I need it.

It's kind of odd... like I told Rob last night... I feel different.
Like things have changed now.
I couldn't work out if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling.
Rob agrees that things have changed, but now I see it's good.

My whole life is changing; I'm admitting things to myself that I hid from myself.
I'll get help and counselling for the abuse I suffered.
I'll get help with the bp.
I'm going to Uni.
I'm planning to lose a load of weight and start rowing for the uni team (going to see if I can start a disabled team - adaptive Rowing has finally been accepted into the olympics!!)
Things are changing.
And it's about time too.
So I've worked out that different feeling is good.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/23/2006 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes hun, you're right, the mind can achieve tremendous things -- and your strength is, as I've said, something I don't question. I think the key thing here, though, is that bp has a tendency to pick up speed and get progressively worse, making it harder to control without meds. I think it's strong of you to realise too that the time has come for the intervention of meds -- and I know this is the path you know is right because of what you've been fighting for recently and what you've been posting. The right meds (and, yes, it may take a little time to get meds and dosages worked out for you) will not take away your strength or personality, and going on meds will not call your strength into question: sometimes strength is in knowing when you have to be responsible to yourself by accepting the help available and not compromising your health.

I hope they go for that cat idea! Mind you, I know universities ... sometimes there's no logic! -- Good for you for trying though: you know I'd let you! Remember that if they do still say no, you can find a houseshare for your second year with a landlord that would allow it (many -- like mine -- don't, but there are some who do out there!!).

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/23/2006 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, I definitely think it's time for medicine now.
I've coped as much as I can for all of my life, and it's just got worse and worse, as it does without treatment. So I just need some help with it.
There's nothing weak about that.
Let's face it; this is a genetic disease, it's as physical as a broken leg!

I'm a little worried about how I'll cope at uni whilst trying out new medicines - I think I'll get my first lot of medicine Monday, and I'll talk to my doctor about that, and about those worries, and then I'll phone the disability office at the Uni and tell them about the diagnosis and that I'll be starting new meds and that I might have trouble adjusting to the medicines at first.

I don't think they'll let me have the cat in all seriosity.. and my parents are moving to Crete as soon as their house sells, so if they move before I get somewhere that allows a cat, it's too late :-(
But I will try.
You don't lose anything by trying!
And it's a proven fact that animals help patients of all kinds, physical and mental.
And my cat really does help to balance me.
So I will try, it's all I can do :-)
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.
Thrombocytacemia

No other medicines - doctors are useless!


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/23/2006 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
dj,
 
when we lived in england my wife and i had a very dear friend who finally (at about 30) accepted that he was gay and "came out."  this was the best thing he ever did in his life.  his whole attatude about life and his entire life changed for the better.  this was positively the best thing that could have happened to our friend.  it was unbelievably positive.
 
reading your last couple of posts made me think of our friend.  the positiveness of it is starteling.  in both cases, you came to terms with your conditions and made decisions on reality rather than fantacy.
 
i hope that your positive attatude keeps getting stronger and stronger.
 
warren

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/24/2006 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Djonma,

Good plan to contact the disability office about the new meds. You might also want to tell your personal tutor or the year one tutor (don't know what the system will be at Reading). Don't feel you have to, but if they're approachable it's often good to have someone who knows and can help you with the work side if needed. I'm a year two tutor at Portsmouth and have a few students with similar problems who I work with on how best to manage things during crisis times. That said, I've known a few tutors in my time that I wouldn't take any problems to, so go with your gur instinct about them. In any case, you can always ask us about stuff and we'll help!

You might be right about the cat in halls thing. -- Hope not, but glad you're considering the possibility. Sorry your parents will be moving -- mind you, holidays should be lovely! :) Seriously, see if they'll compromise on a goldfish if they won't allow the cat. I know some people thing goldfish are hardly pets at all (which is good for getting them into halls!) but they can be so relaxing to watch. All this talk about pets recently and I'm going to go out and find myself a lil' fish myself!

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

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