Message from Moderator (CounterClockwise): It's ok, I deleted the "spare". -- I don't know why this happens somentimes either! I'm always a bit nervous about deleting a "double" message in case somehow it takes the original with it!! (Copied your message before I did it just in case!) All best, Rosie x
Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 10/16/2006 2:12:17 AM (GMT-6)
dear judy 'rosie'warran,chelle my heartfelt thanx 4your replies i read my post again2day an it seems veryself pittying . mymoods at the moment canchange in hours it is now 11pm monday in nobad thoughts for 3 hours or so 2answer some of the questions im a 46 year old male with2 daughters an 2 granchildren of 3 an 1. my mother is in the last stages of CO PD so has only a short time left my entire family network is huge so i stuggle 2 hide my illness from them most still think i am the happy go lucky person because i have lernt 2 be a good lyer i get invited 2 partys etc an ive always got an excuse not 2 go. my sister is the 1 who knows most not all about me an she helps i have apsychatrist and a care co ordinator its only recently that they said i have bi polar they an me treeted my manic highs as me gettin better because they would last 4 days in which i would meke some realy bad desisions hence lossing wife home an most freinds because of eratic behavior imon meds 100mills seratalin an 5mil diazapan twice a day i do not work anymore as i used 2 own bars an i cant face people have not been outside 4 nearly a year exept 4 a manic episode3 months ago made myself look aright arse AGAIN please tell me about yourselfs as ive ranted on about me 4 long enough all the best cliff ps im in uk
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...********************
I have been suffering from PD and some agoraphobia for 2 years now. The last week I have been breaking down and crying a lot. Tonight my sleep has been broken just like in the past. on and off. I am SO worried about going crazy. The stress makes my tummy hurt beyond belief, forcing me to run to the washroom in the middle of the night. I broke down crying at 2 am tonight and clung onto my sleeping b/f for dear life. I am so afraid when I go through this, except it doesn't exactly feel like just a Panic attack the way I have them in stores and outside the home. Often at home I go through these weird majorly depressive moments, where I am still consumed by terrible fear and a major sense of impending doom. I just feel like I should be going to the hospital at those moments. I worry about being bipolar, because my brother suffers from something like it. I can't say for sure that I have ever been manic, but the lows I have been feeling ever since one of these awful 'episodes' at home make me worry I am going through some weird depressive psychosis. My b/f says there is nothing of the sort. Yet it seems far too intense to just be a bout of normal depression that can accompany PD sometimes. I am SO afraid, and I don't want to go and ask for heavy meds if it's just all in my head in the end. In addition, I am absolutely terrified of taking medication. Sometimes I feel I am not even thinking any awful thoughts about going crazy and then this anxiety creeps up or a major moment of depression where I just break down and then am freaked out and scared for my life! It's hard because I feel bewildered during these moments sometimes, and I worry that I am in some other realm and will lose control. I don't know what to do. I have ativan to take when I am terribly anxious or panicked, but when I feel this 'high' the last thing I want to do is take a sedative. I really need reassurance or some advice, please... I just don't understand how I can be a bit nervous because of not sleeping, for example, then decide to get up and have a smoke, change my focus, go to use the washroom, and as I am about to lay down again- I break down big time! I just start crying and feeling SO afraid! There is definitely always FEAR and major TERROR linked to each of these doomed moments. I just don't understand myself lately, perhaps they are panic attacks accompanied with depression, but the intensity is so severe because I am ay home (apparently my 'safe place') and I often see no triggers. I just needed to express myself and plead for help. I am so tired of feeling so hopeless and like I need to be institutionalized and babied all of the time. Please help. *Even now I am worried that because I am typing this at 4:23 am and my thoughts are pouring out, that I may be hypomanic right now or something*. Ahhh, Help! Please. Thank you all.
Wow, thank you all so very kindly! I can't believe how thorough and sincere all your responses were. I am so glad I found this place; I feel better having read your replies already. It's just been such a long journey already, and just as I am getting better for weeks at a time, I often tend to have setbacks and those change my mind state from positive to negative all over again. I know I shouldn’t see these setbacks as failure, instead I should see them as opportunities for growth. I will try and practice that more often. It's just hard you know (of course you do), because one moment your life is in place, the next you are living in Panic and Fear nearly everyday of your life. When your home is no longer acts as your 'safe place' it gets really tough, because where do you escape to then, right? I'm 22 years old and really confused and unsure of myself. One thing I was always good at in the past was being truly comfortable being with myself, that feeling has since disappeared. I really want to be a better g/f for my b/f, offer him more laughs and smiles again. I'd like to take care of him for once, he has proven to be a Prince for a while now and I have to say that in this way I am truly blessed. I hope you all know I am here for you as well. Btw, I just wanted to add that I have gone to the psychiatrist a while ago and he diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, and then a few months later bumped that up to a Panic disorder. He is definitely correct in his diagnosis, and even thought he told me that I am not bipolar- yet somehow I can't seem to shake that fear off though. It's sad too because when I get happy at times now, there are moments when I will take that away from myself because I am worried that may indicate a manic state. I practically live my life by walking one eggshells- if I don't cry today, that means it's less than what is needed to be considered majorly depressed- etc... I land up bottling my emotions up, and then hitting rock bottom. I know I should just let myself feel what I need to be feeling at a given moment, but I just have this strongest urge to be in control at all times. I think that I tend to forget that while I suffer from PD, I am still human and other things still go on in my life that may cause me stress or insomnia, etc. I want to stop judging myself, I just haven't found a way to do so yet. I know I am rambling now, but maybe it will help someone else here feel that they aren't as alone. Maybe it will help people see that while our situations/disorders/struggles all may have a similar name, all our cases our quite complex in the end, because we are so uniquely beautiful and different. Above all, we are human! Thank you all so much for your replies, it means so much to me. Even as I write this now I feel quite bewildered, high or even perhaps a slight sense of 'derealization' but I know it'll be okay now. My emotions are stable and I feel okay, I am trying to remember that anxiety and stress can do extremely weird things to our bodies and for different lengths of time. I need more sleep, last night was hard and my sleep was broken all night. I will try and stay positive and calm, and I hope you all will too. Let's fight all of this together. We will persevere. XoooX.~
Post Edited (Magaroo) : 10/20/2006 5:59:45 PM (GMT-6)