new and very scared, confused, and sad

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manicmama
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 10/21/2006 11:34 PM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone...please help me.  i am confused, in disbelief of my bipolar nos diagnosis.  i have three babies, a hubby, and am tired of hurting them, trying to control myself, and having no real explanation to my behaviour.  i flushed my script of kolonopin in fear of addiction, im on depakote, in a stage of hypomania, with rapid cycles that last a hour.  im a wreck.  i read all of your forums and cried cause i knew i was home.  you could be me.  i have to go and be with my husband its late, but please write me with advise on how to deal and cope with this...animal inside me.

ciderTROLL
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/22/2006 1:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello there! I don't have a diagnosis other than the depression and am not in the slightest bit interested in attaining one. Closest description that I could apply to myself is rapid,rapid cycling. If you need to fear addiction, as an alcoholic with a vicious mouth an over blown opinion of myself, medication is infinitely preferable to self medicating. Citalopram has helped me face up to the crushing emotions to the point that I am coping for myself with out being a burden(too much anyway!) on my family. We have a tendency of not believing in ourselves so trust the professionals- at least till you can cope. Then review it again with out the negatives. "animal inside me"? I'm not called TROLL for no reason.
I am fortunate in that I am 'functioning'- I want to live though.

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/22/2006 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Manic Mama,

A big welcome to you!!! Yes, I know that "I'm home" feeling -- that in itself helps so much!! -- People really do understand here and are so ready to help others. It's heartwarming. :)

Many people fear meds, so don't feel you're alone in that at all. I think *to an extent* that wariness of Klonies is good: the last thing you want is to be popping them every other moment. *But* they are prescribed for a reason, and as a crisis management med, they are useful. I think when you are afraid of these things, you have to sit down with your pdoc and/or therapist and explain that you are afraid and ask for a discussion of why they are prescribed and how you can make sure that they're not taken indiscriminately. For example, a good way of managing them would be to explain the situation to your hubby and have him look after the prescription and be able to give the Klonies only when it's really necessary.

How long have you been on the Depakote? Has your pdoc talked to you about when you might begin to see improvement? Most meds take a while to have a real effect (Klonies are different -- quick fixes for crisis management, rather than long-term maintenance).

Have you started to read up on bipolar? That might help you to understand and accept the diagnosis better -- and to realise that, with management, it's not all bad!! -- There are real positives that seem to come with this illness -- great talent!! :)

Lovely to meet you hun -- keep posting!! :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


manicmama
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 10/22/2006 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
good morning all...its 5 30 am and i gotta run, but i can promise myself one thing. I'll be back asap.  thank you for the warm welcome rosie and all!  now i regret flushing my kolonopins,but...oh.  My pdoc is gone till the 14th of nov,so i'll have to wait for more.  for the time being i start cognitive behavioural therapy on tues. for my anxiety issues.  ive only been on depakote for 3 weeks, and i'm only on 750, cause he is going on vacation and doesn't want to adjust my meds and leave.  i guess now that i have a "reason" or explanation for my chaotic mood swings, it is scarey.  but a relief too.  my guys are awake so i must run.  more later!
Shady
 
DX:BP NOS, SAD, GAD, PTSD,PD,AGORAPHOBIA, recovering heroin addict (7yrs.),recovering methadone addict (4yrs),hypertension
 
RX:DEPAKOTE, Kolonopin,Toporol xl
 
Surgeries:Reconstructive shoulder surgery, breast reduction, tonsilectomy, and spinal meningitis all in the same 2 yrs.  1993/94
Twin pregnancy in 2002, gave birth 5 wks early, got pregnant 2 months later and gave birth exactly 12 months after having my twins.


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 10/22/2006 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
manicmama,
 
with twins and hen anothe one a year later you certainly need more stess in your life like an extra hole in the head. 
 
but you do have this dx.  and you must not only deal with the foibles of the bp but also with the difficulties of the rx.  as far as the bp itslef, let your loved ones know what is going on, never keep secrets, and you may be suprised how much they will help you.
 
the problems with the rx, make an informed decision.  if a pdoc tries to force a rx on you, change pdocs.  it is your decision and yours alone.  jut make sure that it is an informed decision and not just an emotional knee-jerk.
 
hope my experience helps
 
warren

manicmama
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 10/22/2006 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks warren.  you know the difficult thing is that im super close to my mother.  sometimes probably in a non theraputic way, but i think #1, she does not think i have bp.  and if she even agrees that i am mentally ill(for lack of a better word right now), i think she might feel guilty, or something.  plus she has her "baggage" so everytime i bring it up she gets...weird, and we both start acting uncomfotable and such.  i close up because i feel like she is not getting it, and she feels that.  i think we are so weaved together, and we feed off eachother, she is perceptive.  my hubby is starting to open up, and listens to the literature if i read it to him.  i mean, he knows that there is undeniably something up with me.  doesn't really care what it's called, just fix it.  does not sound too supportive, but it's a start.  he is interested, and tries to be patient with me.  i regret flushing my meds.  shucks...i was trippin and had just freaked out.  i should have called my psych. it was deffinately impulsive and emotional.  however justified my fear is in my head, oh i'm having too many thoughts right now.  my boys are going to wake up from their nap, so i better clean now while i can.  i'll be back though, tonight!

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/23/2006 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Manic Mama,

Have you thought about taking your mum along to one of your pdoc sessions? A discussion there that she can learn from in terms of your diagnosis and the medication may really help her to understand why this *is* your diagnosis and why it's crucial that people understand and support you. If you think she might back out of the conversation, why not write her a letter explaining how much you'd value her coming with you (you can always say that you're worried you're not taking in everything and that it would help to have someone there to take notes with you).

Most pdocs/therapists are great about this kind of thing -- many actively encouraging it. Making sure that loved ones are on the same page as you is so important to managing bp.

You could try the same thing with your hubby -- but if he's already open to the fact that you do have this condition then it's probably not so necessary. Just keep him reading with you!!

Rosie x

P.S. I too am impressed with how much you hyandle even without the bp -- twins and then another baby! Woweeee!!
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


manicmama
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 10/23/2006 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Rosie and all, thank you for the kudos and thought.  I need it.  we all do.  my mom is a sp ed teacher, and is burnt out.  she thinks that it's all B.S. labeling and excuses.  there is so much love yet astronomical tension btwn us, that we can't really talk about anything but the boys(my kids) or other superficial stuff.  i am slowly preparing a packet for her, which includes a letter from me, asking not for guidance, but acceptance, support info, and other material on bp/anxiety disorders, (any other ideas anyone has).  when i told her she said something like "oh so i know what not to say to you?"  i wonder if it's just too hard for her, and i just can't share that part of me with her?  it hurts cause she's been my best friend for 30 yrs.  she always loved me, at what i thought was my worst( on heroin, stealing from her to support my habit), and i know she loves me now.  i wonder if we are so co dependant, and i really need to separate ourselves to become individuals. i miss her just thinking of being away from her, plus my boys are super attached to her.  they cry for her sometimes.  oh, i feel so bad. i feel like im messing up these awesome, smart ,funny,happy boys with my...insanity.  i was them once.  im trying to stop the cycle of craziness right now.  i know bp may very well be genetic, but damage was done to me very early by the things i saw and heard.  as the same with my mother, and her mother and probably for generations back. my sons are the only reason i am here today.  reading this back to myself, i realize i am jumping around, what else is new. 
manicmama 
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