Wife of a bipolar husband - questions

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StressedbpWife
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/24/2006 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi.  I'm new to this forum.  My husband has recently gone to the dr and the dr mentioned bi-polar.  of course, living with him for 7 years I've known this for a long time, but he would never get help.  He was on anti-depressents for about 6 months (on and off) and then after that always blamed me and told me I was the one with problems.  I started believing it.
Anyways his behavior seems to cycle rapidly and frequently.  Who knows what mood he's going to be.  Could be great, and then all it takes is one little thing and he's pissed off, yelling, agitated, depressed - whatever it is, it's there for pretty much the duration of the day.  He has had problems with gambling in the past, been responsible for racking up large debts (I'm OCD as well and have shopped my share but I charged small items, 20 here, 20 there) on big ticket items, hundreds and thousands.  This mostly was done through the manipulation and begging from me since I manage the household budget.  Then we have the sex issues!!!  WOW - can you say overdrive.  I don't think he's cheated, but who knows if that's even true anymore (now knowing he has this).  If he didn't get it when he wanted (which was ALLL the time) he would degrade me, tell me I was defective, push me off the bed, threaten that if I didn't start fulfilling my duty as a wife he would just have to take it! etc.  And then there's the depression (which is what we're on now).  Suicidal talk to everyone and anywhere.  To the kids (we have four ages 16, 6, 3, 1 - teenager is hubby's cousine that is under our care).  Got to the point where he was talking about it at work.  That was really what got him to the point of going to the dr.
 
So my question is what now?  where do I go from here?  I love him so much.  The family dr put him on Lexapro, but this doesn't sound like the best choice for bp.  He's been on it for 8 days and I've noticed some improvement in rational behavior, but still not great.  He does go to the psych. on Friday which I am going too because I've seen behavior of lying about symptoms or just not telling.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  So - if anyone is in a similar situation can you please let me know what I can do to make things easier on all of us, and what kinds of things I can expect.  I'm 28 and tired myself.  I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome last march (2006) and I'm just not cut out for all this. 
 
Thanks!

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/24/2006 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Stressed,

I feel for you big-time in this. I originally came to this board because of my bp partner (now ex). This illness takes an enormous toll on the sufferer, but it takes a huge toll (if different) too on loved ones. It's so difficult to love someone and see them ill and not have them take the steps oyu know they have to take to manage that illness. I watched this myself with my ex. Sadly, he never did take the disgnosis or treatment seriously and things went up and down for a while before they really slipped -- he's now in many respects unrecognisable. A lot of the things you said hit home for me in terms of behaviour, and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Although, yes, I want the best for your husband, right now I am more concerned that you get support systems in place for you and your kids. I went for counselling for a while, and that helped (even though I spent most of the first few sessions just crying! -- I was also slipping into depression, though not bp in my case).

From what you wrote about Lexapro, it sounds like you've already started researching into treatment for bp. This is an excellent step -- as is going to a psychiatrist visit with him every now and then until his moods stabilise and you feel you can trust him with himself. The Lexapro is definitely something I'd ask the pdoc about on Friday: more often people are put on mood stabilisers or anti-psychoitics first and then anti-depressants are added, but since your husband is depressed currently and a bp diagnosis is generally made after a full evaluation from a pdoc, that the doc didn't feel comfortable prescribing a mood-stabiliser or anti-psychotic. With bp, though, there's always the risk that anti-ds on their own will trigger mania -- and this is a concern worth raising with the pdoc if the prescription looks like it's going to be left as it is on Friday.

One thing I did for my ex/partner was make a list of all the symptoms I had witnessed and divided them into sections according to which ones seemed to occur at the same time, or similar times; by each symptom I added an example or two. It sounds like you have a lot of these to mind at the moment, and this would be really useful to be able to take with you.

Another thing I would really advise that you do for *both* of you is to leave any conversation in which he is lashing out and making you feel bad. Yes, the illness might be prompting his irrational side, but he's also not stupid and on some level will know that saying stuff that upsets you is not on (and if he does it in bed, get out and sleep somewhere else -- forcing him to do this will just lead to confrontation). Try to be calm when you do this: remember the illness first, and remind yourself that it's not personal, but it is unacceptable. If you put the block on this kind of thing, he will learn that he has to control himself better, and in the long-run this will help him.

Now for the moment everyone's been waiting for -- yes, the moment when I recommend my favourite bp book! (Drum roll!) David Miklowitz, "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide". It's for sufferers and loved ones, and is *really* helpful and informative. I know the guys here must groan every time I mention it because I do so a lot (and, no, not working on commission or related to the author!), but this book and coming here helped me more than anything else, and I still refer back to it constantly. It helped me particularly in those moments when I felt everythings was going crazy around me: it gave me more understanding of what was going on and helped me to see patterns and even a kind of logic, which was so reassuring. Yes, I lost my relationship anyway, but that was because my ex was (and still is) in complete denial and just letting the thing roll on unmanaged, or at best badly managed. I still feel that if he'd faced up to what was going on, with him complying with meds, and with me learning what I could about bp, we could have managed anything -- and we'd have been stronger for it. That's what I wish for you tonight.

Do keep posting and tell us how things go on Friday!! :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


helpless06
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 182
   Posted 10/30/2006 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Stressed and Rosie. I am on the Chronic Pain group and thought I'd check this site because my husband too is bipolar and I need some advise.

We started dating over 5 years ago and things seemed really great. He was funny, witty, very spontaneous and very neat (home). I didn't know he had bipolar. After 7 months he started acting weird towards me in order for me to break up with him. That was his pattern and I sent him a letter saying that some of my stuff was still over at his place and why? He had told me he loved me and we were getting along great. Well, we talked and he told me that it was his pattern and after reailzing what he had done he asked if we should try it again. Now I'm thinking what an idiot. 2 months after we got back together he had an anerusym and was rushed to the ER. Turned out to be a birth defect that caused this and by this time I felt I could not abandon him. I stuck through all his medical procedures and one had given him a mini stroke. I took on all the household chores and kept the family together, he has 2 step kids. We got married 1 year ago this month and honestly I wished I had ran from the alter a year ago. He isn't on medication, says he likes who he is w/o it. Takes OTC stuff to help him sleep.

Well, he tells me a lot he loves me but there is very little compassion. He is now a workaholic, he has a new job in the same company he's worked at for years. He calls himself an expert on this field which he's only been doing it for about 6 months. He always talks about his work and how important he is. I know this is bipolar and I try to shrug it off. He always talks about his medical stuff. Anyone and everyone that will listen. This is really getting to the point where I'm going to blow up while he's talking and I know that would be very bad.

During his recovery, I took on all the household stuff and now that he's in a better place, I feel he should be taking on some of the chores and other things to help with the house and he hasn't. He tells me all I have to do is ask. I think this is a guy thing but when I do say can you do the dishes, sometimes he tells me he will but there they sit. I don't ask again because I do not want to become a nag. He has a fit when I say something about his kids (17 and 14) and he makes it very clear that I am not the kids' mom. I tell him I'm not trying to be. He doesn't focus on them either so I don't take his lack of attention too personally. They however are a whole nother story I won't go into. I'll send him an email or text message and he doesn't reply even if I'm asking him a question. I stopped calling him at work a long time ago because he always made me feel like an annoyance.

Example, we went to celebrate our 1st anniversary and after me waiting too long to book a hotel (did this on pupose) he booked a room and cost $250 which was definitely over priced and did not buy a greeting card. I didn't expect a gift but I did a card. I bought him one. I was hurt. Once again, no effort on his part. He asked me if I had a good weekend and I said yes but was disappointed I didn't get a card. He was irritated and said honestly a card was the furthest from his mind that he wanted to make sure that I didn't have to worry about anything. He booked the room, that's it. We had to find a place to dine and this was a small town so it's not like he had to scroll through pages of pages to find a hotel. This is just one example.

I honestly believe that he is showing is true self or he isn't trying as hard with our relationship. I plan on bringing up counseling to him because honestly I am about fed up but have put in so much time and emotions in him and I really do love him. He is causing me more stress than I need with my chronic pain condition and I believe is making me worse. I need to start looking out for me because I feel that I am the only one. Your partner shouldn't make you feel like you're dealing with something alone.

I tried not to elaborate too much so it wouldn't be too long so hopefully this made sense. What he does or says is contradictory and a lot of times I think I'm going crazy.

Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated.
Severe DDD L5-S1 and L4-5, arthritis, nerve pain and numbness in both legs.

Post Edited (helpless06) : 10/30/2006 4:07:55 PM (GMT-7)


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/31/2006 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Helpless,
 
Once again I find myself identifying with so much here. -- In fact, your hubby could *be* my ex things are so similar: there's not even any point me telling you about things he's done or the way he's acted, because it would just be repetition of your post!!
 
The truth is that, if he won't accept the diagnosis and won't take treatment for bp, things will not change: there will be some (brief) good times (I got fooled by some of these) but they will be eaten up by what seems like a lack of consideration and other unreasonable behaviour. I am not judging either your hubby or my ex for the feelings (or the dissociation) that lead to this behaviour: those simply come with the bp. But, when a person has been given a diagnosis for something like bp that *cannot* be managed without meds and therapy and does not accept these things and try to manage the problem, yes, I'm afraid that to me is something that they *are* responsible for. One thing that is incredibly important is that bp sufferers are ill, but far from stupid. Often what an untreated bp sufferer gives out in their own behaviour, they would absolutely not accept from others (my ex is a case in point -- gets very angry at others "inconsiderate" behaviour, but does much much worse himself). That says a lot: says that they do still understand what's acceptable to ask others to put up with and what's not.
 
I don't doubt that your hubby loves you, but right now that's not enough: he has to sort himself out and h=face up to the problems he's having. I don't think that what he's showing is his "true" behaviour -- and that really is the saddest part: his true self is locked down at present because, unmanaged, bp wins, no question. Bp can change a personality so that the person we (and the sufferer) once new (like my ex) seems gone forever. Knowing that you haven't been duped in the past and that this is the bp at work may help reconcile you to what's happened a bit more -- totally beyond your control and not a reflection on your relationship. But that doesn't change the fact that there is one person here who has it in their power to turn things around -- your hubby -- and so far he's not taking charge. He's probably scared (though would doubtless not admit that!) and maybe he's always had an issue with the idea of mental health issues, meds, psychiatrists, and the lot. Well, bluntly, he needs to get over it, because this *is* the condition he has and they *are* the things he will need on board to help him regain control.
 
Perhaps you could start gently on this by getting him some information on bipolar -- help to demystify it for him. A simple web search should start you of well (McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web is a good one). And then there's the book I suggested to StressedbpWife. Once he's read up a bit, he might be more open to discussion (if you can get him to read!). If all else fails, you need to lay down the law a bit: things as they are are unacceptable, and they won't get better without dealing with the bp. If saying this makes him run, in the long-term you are no worse off; if saying this jolts him into action, then you can make some real progress and you can get back what's currently lost.
 
I'm so sorry if this post sounds so blunt and harsh. -- It's not meant as harsh to you at all. What you wrote just strikes so close to home, and inaction on the part of my ex was what lost me my once wonderful relationship (and not, as some might suppose, the bipolar itself: *that* I could deal with).
 
(((Helpless))) -- My thoughts are with you.
 
Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/1/2006 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
This one is going to be tough to post on. You see, I am on the other side and my wife went though what you are going through. This may be painful, and may not even apply to you. But your description is familiar, so here is why I resisted help.

Reasons I did not seek help.

1. I liked being in the hypomanias (I thought it was the booze that made me such fun). This is no crap, there had been parties that were cancelled because I was unable to attend. I played golf better when I was on top of the world. Why would I ever want to change that?

2. I was getting a lot of attention from my wife. Albeit, not all of it was good. But all the focus was on me. Her needs, wants, desires were ignored which made it easy for me. I did not have to put any effort into the relationship.

3. Because of my lack of effort, I thought I would test her to see how big of a jacka** and see if she would leave. I would accuse her of wanting to be with an old boyfriend. I knew this was untrue, but I used it for manipulation.

4. I was a man's man. I was tough. I thought all pdocs, male or female, wore high heeled shoes. There couldn't possibly anything wrong with me. That would be a declaration of weakness.

5. I liked who I was. What if we found out I was BP? What is my true personality? Who am I really? Am I the big, tough guy or the little boy weeping at his Dad's grave? Would I like a medicated me? Would my wife stay with me?

6. Does this mean I will be sick the rest of my life? Do I have to be a regular at the docs office? Will I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?

7. Anything askew with the noggin has a stigma attached to it. I could announce to everyone if I had testicular cancer, but this must be kept in secret. Can I keep this secret from now on?

8. Would I have to be questioning my behavior for the rest of my life? How do I know what I am doing is correct? What is "normal?"

9.Would people that are aware of this condition use it against me?

I finally had to seek help. And through it all, my wife stayed with me. I am the luckiest guy in the world.

I don't know if this is of any help, but it is from one guy that has been there.

Good luck

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/2/2006 2:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Cap hun, this is exactly what I saw in my ex's behaviour -- the only difference being that, whatever I tried (being there unquestioningly, calling him on it even though still trying to show my support), it was only ever *me* dealing with his condition: he still refuses to do so. In fact, ironically, it was him who finally left me (for good that time (after much to-ing and fro-ing and general chaos of one minute he loved me more than anything, the next he had to be alone): I would never have left him, only ever wanted to help him through it. He finally put the stoppers on that too -- and, to this day, I believe that if he had accepted the problem and the treatment he needs, we would have gained some sense of normalcy by now and there's no question that it would have been worth it, because he was my best friend and our relationship before was so good.

But I also still believe that the only times I really helped were when I was direct with him about the problem (always trying to be non-confrontational at the same time): that would have some impact for a couple of days ... but in the end even that wasn't enough.

It takes a great deal of courage to face up to bp -- especially when you have always felt you were tough and resilient, and if you had a preconception of psychiatrists being a waste of time. I take my hat off to anyone who's done it -- and to you for having the guts to explain what you had to deal with to achieve it. One day I hope my ex will manage to do what you have done -- I do think that somewhere he has that strength and courage.

Thanks so much for telling your side Cap. -- Warmly appreciated -- certainly by me, and I'm sure StressedbpWife will feel the same.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/2/2006 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
notes from another do-ee (rather than done-unto)
 
cap, my story has many similarities to your, but some large differences, too.
 
i worked in the computer inustry and 26 hour days were the norm.  when i was "up" after working for 3 days straight, i didn't think anything was amiss.
 
i knew that there was something wong with me most of my life.  i had several suicide attempts by the time i was in my early 20s, but always managed to hide the scars (i was known for wearing long-sleaved shirts all year - before air-conditioning).  when i was about 17/18 i was first diagnosed with depression.  as i've said on other threads, this may have been the only dx in the early 1960s.
 
i had a very "messy" divoce in 1970 and hospitalized myself in 1972.  again, i was dxed with depression.
 
i took tranqualizers off-and-on for over 30 yrs, seeing pdocs and therapists occationally.  finally, after a botched epdural steroid injection, i attempted suicide again.  my wife stopped me, took me directly to my pcp who referred me to a pdoc.  after ditteling around for a few months, he diagnosed me as bp.
 
cap, you're not the luckiest man in the world, I AM.  my wife has stood a lot of sh** from me and has given me a lot of tough love when i've needed it.  she took care of me like i was a baby when i couldn't care for myself.
 
i know that this isn't a pretty picture.  it's my reality.  each person's experience with this illness will be different.  i hope that your's is easier than mine has been.
 
warren

helpless06
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 182
   Posted 11/2/2006 5:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Warren and Cap. I am really glad you both responded so I can hear the other side of it. I know there are always 2 sides to a situation. I am having a hard time dealing with the 'all over the board' and the exaggerations. I never know what to truly believe. I never fully believe what he's saying. Most of the times I can let his grandeous talk roll off me but it's getting harder and harder.

Cap, your #2 and #3 really hit home with me. That is exactly what I am having the most difficulties with. No effort whatsoever except for his work, however this morning now I'm not so sure as he said something that lead me to believe. Sometimes I think he pushes me to see if I will blow up or leave. I think does say things to get a rise out of me which it takes a lot to. I hold things internally.

How do I get him to get the help he needs if he doesn't think he needs help? He's been to so many doctors for psychological problems along with physical problems. I don't think I can even if I say I want a divorce. I plan on talking with him this evening actually and plan on bringing up counseling. Counseling for us and the way he deals with his kids. He doesn't discipline them enough, let's them pretty much do anything they want and it's so tough because I'm the step mom and he is adamant about me not being their mom. Asks for my advice and then says you're not their mom.

I think bp gets worse with age if left untreated. Does stress make it worse? I should do some more research on it.
Severe DDD L5-S1 and L4-5, arthritis, nerve pain and numbness in both legs.


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/3/2006 5:12 AM (GMT -7)   
i don't know if this is a universal, but i've noted it with others with bp.  we often act as though we are afraid with damaged egos.  i put my wife through pure he** while i was working.  i insulted her, got drunk regularly (i stopped drinking when i was having my seond double single malt sotch wiskey and it was only 10:15 in the morning).  i put her down evey chance i got.  it was like i kept kicking her to see how much it would take for her to leave me.  she loved me enough to stick with it.
 
i have lived under an ancient chinese curse all my life:  "may you live in interesting times."  my wife and i have travelled to almost every state in the usa and lived in many of them.  we have lived in germany and the uk and travelled all over western europe.  i have had some very high powered jobs with fast track caeers.  one would thing with a resume like that i wouldn't have to exageate.  i do and my wife calls me on it to keep me straight.  sometimes i argue and say "but i DID x."  and she says, "but you didn't y like you just said."  she's right.  what can i say?
 
hope mmy experience helps you.
 
warren

CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/13/2006 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Help

I have been thinking about how to get your husband any help. I wish I could have some magic words you could say and he would say, "okay honey, you're right, lets go."

I did not seek help until I became so afraid I had to seek help. Initially, I was diagnosed as ADD and received some medication which sent me into a terrible depression. I became so frightened I was willing to go anywhere. I would not suggest you slip you husband a mickey of wellbutrin XL, but that is what did it for me.

If I had only known how much better life could be for me, I would have started treatment years ago. I still struggle with it greatly, but my life is so much more full now. I greet each day with wonder and amazement. I hope you can convince your husband that it only gets better.

It is frustrating at times, but I am defined by me, not my disease. This condition has made me stronger, and more appreciative of the things around me. Before, I was locked in a world that was only about me. But today for example, I got to drive my truck, which started on the first crank. It was comfortable, the heater worked. I was driving on a paved road. I went to the diner for breakfast, and many of my friends were there. The breakfast was great. I went to the sale barn and bought a bay (horse) for the neighbor kid. What a fantastic day, and most of them are like this, even when I go into an unexpected mood swing.

I guess my suggestion is to present your concerns to your husband as a gift. Life can be so much better. Happiness cannot come from another person, only from yourself.

Good luck

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.


helpless06
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 182
   Posted 11/17/2006 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Cap, I appreciate your response. I'm glad you have such a great outlook on life! My husband doesn't want to be on any medication. He has tried numerous medications over the years and has never liked any of them. He doesn't even like taking aspirin on a regular basis. He doesn't really like that I'm on medication but he hasn't really said 'don't take it' but I can tell he wants to. I think even if I threaten him to leave if he didn't start taking something, he wouldn't.

My husband has had several medical life threatening occurances and so he knows life is a gift. That's partly why he doesn't want to be on medication so he can feel life without feeling not himself. He is always telling me that life is to short so be happy. As a CPer, it's sometimes tough to be happy all the time. Add to that mix a bipolar husband with kids.

I am slowly starting to learn his pattern of behaviour and so then I can call him on inconcistencies. I have a bad memory so it's really hard for me to catch him. I want to start writing things down. Perfect example, he tells me this week he told his boss he had to start leaving at 4:30 because his son is having troubles with school and then me, his wife, his having medical problems. I know in a period of time he's going to say, I have to work late because I'm so important. I will be able to go back and say what happened to blah blah blah. Will it do any good? I don't know but maybe he'll realize what he's doing?

Thanks again for your response.
Severe DDD L5-S1 and L4-5, arthritis, nerve pain and numbness in both legs.


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/18/2006 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
helpless,
 
dr phil says would you rather be right or happy?  younds like your husbsnd would rather be right.  problem is, his views are counterproductive and will eventually kill him emotionally if not physically.
 
have you tried talking to him about the outcome of non-medicated bp?  it's not pretty.  have you talked with him about it taking sometimes a yr or more to find the right mix of meds and for the meds to have effect?  his dismissing a med because it doesn't work in a day or two is self-destructive.
 
if he doesn;t trust you he's a fool - you have to trust your spouce above all people - does he have someone els that he trusts or admires who can takl with him?  a minister, a realtive, a best friend?
 
sorry, hon, but your hubby is going to self-deruct without help - meds.  i've been in a mental hospital - i'd rather do anything to stay out.  meds are a small price to pay.
 
hope this helps.
 
warren

doles
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/28/2006 11:23 PM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone
i am new here  & actually never thought all this would be happening in my life,  but the reality is that it is & the Bp part  came on like a freight train.  As I read through all these posts,  I realize how not very rare bp really is.  My husband was recently released from the hospital with a BIPOLAR ALLECTIVE /MANIA with SUBSTANCE ABUSE  diagnosis.   Becasue the Health Care System's way of doing things sucks so bad,  I feel he did not get a long enough treatment there. He is now out back to work & on a low dose of Risperdal(which he claims he is taking cause I am making him, but I am not the one that made the call the Dr's & courts were) My husband & I have been together 17 years,  married 10 years, & have 2 sons  8 & 5. 5 years ago, I was aware of his substance abuse problem (crack/cocaine)& he went into a rehab program & stopped using(it was stop or get out) he stopped,  but not sure how long (he bought drug tests so I could test him casue he was feeling so guilty about ruining our family)   In April of 2005  he had a terrible accident at work (was buried chest high in a ditch he was working in)  took 10 guys & 3-4 hours to dig him out   he was hospitalized & put on high dose of perks & got addicted to them, He was actually getting hurt quite alot after that & I did not realize until therapy, that was his way of getting the perks.  Anyway 2-2006  he went through rapid detox & was off the perks. 
in August of 2006 I started noticing he was doing some weird things & staying up late & not eating with the family,  of course I just kept saying why are you using again  etc etc....  he claimed he wasn't  but was not putting any money into the savings to help pay the bills,  was buying all this crazy fairy & goddess & leprchaun stuff,  was leaving with the kids & not answering his phone all day making me worry with panic.,  he actually at one point  plugged all these appliances (we were having a yard sale) into the ground & told my kids to keep watching they would all start to work soon,  he would tell me he loved me in one breath & the next told me to leave him.  He told me he was scared & then told me he was God,  He was getting aggressive (verbally) & the kids were noticing asking why Daddy was  being so mean (on several occasions my 8 year old  said Daddy i miss being with you & he would relpy too bad or get your own life)  hurtful damaging things  my poor children.  He was drinking a bottle of crown Royal a day & my husband rarely drank. I just kept thinking it was drugs & went into therapy cause I was ready to file for a divorce,  I had pictures & a journal & statements of cc (in my name) that he had racked up to $4000.  Well thank God i went to therapy  the doc said are you sure he is not bipolar???  when I came home I aggressivly read up every bit of info i could get my hands on & all the symptoms were there   EVERY SINGLE ONE.  When I printed it out to show my husband  he ripped it up  & peed on it  yes literally pissed on it.  he told me I was the crazy one & why dont I seek the help I need to make things right.  He actually started moving things around & doing things to make me think i was losing my mind. ( I am a very organized , & detailed kinda person) (HE OWNED UP TO ALL OF THIS WHILE IN A FAMILY SESSIONWHILE COMMITED)
Anyway,  he is still in denial & I don;t kow how long I can take the verbal abuse.  I told them  even though I thought he should be there longer (IN THE HOSPITAL) that I would be supportive & helpful as long as my children & i were out of harms way.  The state made me get an inhouse pfa (which is kinda ridiculous) & the state came out to make sure I WAS A FIT MOTHER & MY HOME WAS SAFE FOR MY KIDS.   but then they let him out when he is not even on the correct meds & is still in a monic state & in denial as well. 
 
SO  WHAT DO I DO?>???   DO I LEAVE THE HOUSE I BOUGHT BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED THAT IS IN MY NAME ONLY & LET ALL MY LIFES WORK GO DOWN THE DRAIN BEFORE THE YEAR 2008  ROLLS AROUND   OR DO I KICK HIM OUT  (WHICH I ALREADY TRIED & HE WOULD NOT LEAVE)  OR DO I STICK IT OUT & TRY TO STAND BY HIS SIDE & TAKE THE ABUSE & BE SAD FOR MY CHILDREN & MYSELF???  while he debates he has this disorder that requires medical attention that will be life long.
 
oh my  just realized i typed so much...  I am so sorry but thank you  cause although I am in therapy & so are my kids , there is never enough time or understanding people to hear all that is running through ones  mind that is not BP.
My heartfelt blessings go out to all family dealing with this crisis in their lives & I hope they, (AS WELL AS ME)  can find the strentgh to deal with it & to raise happy children that have full trust in themselves & you.  
 
Much  Peace Love Happiness
 
a confused newbie to the bp world!
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Ides) : 12/11/2006 3:59:48 PM (GMT-7)


LadyDragonfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 11/29/2006 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not going to be popular for saying this, and despite my mental health training, I still call it as a see it...sometimes without tact!

I think the bipolar diagnosis is wrong. It is intuitive on my part, not anything else. I mean, I don't know you or your husband, this is my sense of it. I think you are dealing primarily with Borderline Personality Disorder, probably in combination with bipolar features. I'd ask you to look up a list of symptoms for this problem on the internet, there are several good places to do this.

Bipolars out of control because we can't help it. Our brains are wired a little differently from the "norm." BPD is another thing that LOOKS like bipolar and it takes a smart doctor to sort this out. BPD people need attention and they act out to get it. It is something I call push me, pull YOU, as in push me and I'll pull you in and make you to blame. They can have times when they are loving, rational and the relationship for the nonaffected partner is so nice, so good, they never want it to end. Then, without warning, things shift. EVERYTHING makes the BPD person angry, they act out. They blame those around them for everything they do and think. THe partner is guilty of "making" the person act out. They threaten suicide to anyone and everyone and usually assign blame for these feelings. They are highly manipulative and never will take responsibility for their actions. A bipolar person will feel terribly guilty for their behavior and be ashamed for it. Most of them I have seen turn that shame, guilt and anger inward on themselves. A BPD person will turn these feelings outward and project them onto others.

Certainly one can have BPD AND bipolar together. BUT, the medication can treat the bipolar features, but it will not touch the BPD symptoms. Bipolar is a medical illness, meaning it can be treated with medication. BPD is a mental illness, and therefore cannot be treated with medication. There is argument in mental health circles about whether or not BPD can be cured, or even successfully treated. I don't have an opinion, outside of the idea that treatment success depends on the commitment of the person to be better, or not. The nature of this problem almost precludes being able to commit to therapy and make progress. Having said this, this is not something that is hopeless.

If he gets worse, or threatens to hurt himself, see if you can him hospitalized on a 72-hour hold. Most states require this if a person is reported as suicidal. One, it gives you a break to take a deep breath without his behaviors. Also, it gives professionals a chance to really assess him, mentally and physically. They will talk to you and I'd mention bipolar and BPD to the person assessing him. Let them figure out a game plan, for him and for you. If you do this, do not feel guilty about it. You have a lot to deal with and somehow you have to find the right kind of help. I think you are at this point, or close to it. YOu don't want him trying to hurt himself in front of you or your family.

Keep coming here and letting us know.
The Lady Dragonfly
Yes, it was me...I know because I was there when I did it. Lupus sufferer, bipolar II sufferer. Currently on Indocin for chronic pericarditis related to lupus, and cherishing every deep breath without pain. Currently in graduate school for mental health counseling, class of Fall 2007. Vegan and loving it!


StressedbpWife
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/11/2006 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Well - here I am again.  Shortly after posting my hubby was hospitalized.  He was doing great when he got home, but then the dr started increasing the Lamictal dosage and he started going haywire.  Instead of backing out of the Lamictal and trying something else (He is still on Lithium, which I think it working really well) they just keep adding more meds.  Lexapro! is one of them!  We told the pdoc what happened the last time and he said that he wasn't on any mood stabalizers and now he is so it shouldn't do that etc.  Anyways - now hubby is in a full manic episode and is heading to the ER again.  I am staying at work and will meet him at the hospital after.  I missed 4 days of work the last time and really need to stay at work this time.  The dr is not listening to us!  It's really sad because he felt great for about 2 weeks and then went down hill after that.  It was like a tease.  Now I have someone who actually wants to be helped, but nothing is helping.
 
Anyways - just a quick update.
 
-Stressed

Ducky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3199
   Posted 12/11/2006 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Stressed... Can you request a different doc? A 2nd opinion maybe? Please let us know how your hubby is doing, and you as well.. Hang in there..
Confirmed Diagnosis of - Psoriatic Arthritis/Spondylitis/Graves Disease/GERD/Scoliosis/Hiatal Hernia/Graves Disease of the Eyes/Chronic UTIs
Current Meds -  Enbrel/Prevacid/Synthroid/Nitrofurantoin
Past Meds - Inderal/PTU/Prednisone/Voltaren/Feldene/Mobic/Cortisone and Steroid Shots
Additional Supplements - Multi-Vitamin/Bromelian/Acidophilus/Green Tea
 


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 12/11/2006 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I think one of the most important things right now is for you to make sure that you and your children are safe. As cruel as that sounds to your husband, it's very, very important. You cannot help him if you're not well yourself. I've watched my Dad battle with severe depression and severe physical illness and still try to help my Mum when her BP is bad. He has left ventricular failure and emphesema, and she runs him ragged. He doesn't get any help for himself, so he's a mess!
If there are any local support groups for people who are family and friends of mental health patients, or even carer support groups, go to one. Talk to people, cry at people, get some counselling. Anything and everything.
You can only help him if you're strong yourself, and the way it's going, you're going to collapse before he does, and then who will help the both of you?

The second thing is a new doctor. If those doctors won't listen to what you're saying about how your husband was on that medication, and how he was for those wonderful 2 weeks when he was himself again, then they're not worth anything. You need someone who will listen to that and take it all into account and work out exactly what is going on with your husband and how to treat that, not just apply the first label they see and try to medicate for it.

Remember, we're always here if you need to vent, cry, anything.
*hugs*

Nicola
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 1000mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 140mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


LadysngzDbluz
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/12/2006 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Everyone,

Im new to this forum as well. I have been devouring anything I can about bp as I am a new wife to a DH who suffers. And I mean suffers. I ran across paperwork a few years back b4 we were married diagnosing him w/ "manic depression". I thought to myself "well i've been depressed b4" , "he's had a tough life and I'll give him the love he never had and all will be fine" I had NO CLUE. I've just come 2 terms with the magnitude of this illness. However, my question is, how do u determine what is illness and what is just him being a jerk? Well let me start off by explaining a bit.

My husband and I have known/dated off and on since 12 :) He was always a sweet wonderful guy. Had it hard, not much $ as a child. None the less as he grew older (im not making excuses) he needed to find ways to provide for himself. I couldn't understand his home life (found out this year his mom suffers from mental illness and didn't provide for him; food, clothes, much of nothing). The older "preditors" helped him @ 14 deal in "illegal activites" to buy food-Mcdonalds & clothes. During that time I tried to understand him but his newfound lifestyle caused a wedge. He became homeless when his mother had an episode and put him out and later lost their apt and needed him to provide a refuge for them both (lived in motels) promoting further his lifestyle. He began seeing an older woman,she was 28 he 15ish...U draw u're own conclushion blah blah etc.

Allegedly this woman spiked his drink (he was early 20's when this happened) and he had some type of breakdown and ended up in the er/mental ward for about a month. When released he had no where to go and no one to help and he bounced from bad situation 2 bad situation and landed in prison (6+ yrs).

Fastforward:He gets out we reunite and things were GREAT he'd "learned his lesson, seeked employment, tried to see his children (2) and be a productive person. He did just that for quite a while. However we live in an urban area and he has those same "preditors" some of whom are family and they taunted, ridiculed and baited him about his "corny life" & that "illegal" is the only thing that he can/should do well.

Side note: he usually has a really bad episode during this time of year-anyone ever heard of that? Seasonal cycling?

Anyway, I believe he is listening to these people as times/$$ are tight right now and his youngest daugthers mother (who has stalked him since him coming home) uses the daugther to try and manipulate him and does so successfully which also causes a lot of arguments between us as he takes it out on me, blames me for the state of the relationship w/ his daughter instead of the mentally unstable mother. We are separated now (1 1/2 months now) due to a huge blow out about the daugther's mother (story too long to tell) and she continues to stress him, argue, use the child, has him in $$ trouble w/ child support as he is not working and deep in dept (she pursues enforcement when he wont talk to her and threatens to call felony support when he wont comply w/ her requests) so on top of regular relationship stuff i have all these other issues.

I think I've digressed, My main point is how to find out how to get him treatment. When I suggest meds he says he was on them before and they made him lethargic and empotent. He also says they've "messed his body up"

I KNOW he's scared and he wants help but when I suggest anything healthwise or not he feels im trying to "tell him what to do" and he rebells. I LOVE my husband and I cry everytime I think about this. But I don't know what to do I want him get well more than anything. Also I read that BP was genetic and I'm terrified about having children with him. I know this post is long and I appreciate those who've suffered through this. I signed up for a family of bp support group and am looking into therapy. Unfortunately neither of us have health insurance so our options are even more limited.

After reading my own post I forget his symptoms:

1.Sometimes hes So inconsiderate and if he doesn't understand Im a person w/ feelings; 2.He has gotten us into a mess financally;spending 49k in 4wks, messed up or joint (no longer existant bank acct), 3. has inappropriate relationships w/ people ex. talked a business contact into letting him used "HER" car when we'd 1st sep. (i caught them-womens intuition) 4. Cheating, cheating cheating, 5.lying, lying, lying 6.exaggerating, exaggerating, exaggerating 7. Lashes out in rage (we've had a few dangerous episodes) 8. Gets so depressed afterward or when things are going badly and Im sure much of the rest of the other symptoms. I feel like such a fool as he does all these things and i've tried to work it out. I tried to sneak holistic bp treatments in like change his diet and vit;omega 3's etc. But honestly stress exacerbates his mood swings and then the seasonal cycle are usually the worst OR violent. I know this post is long Im sorry!!! I just thought others who KNOW what im going thru might have some insight. Like I said I LOVE my husband-the calm one, the other dude I bounce between feeling sorry for, afraid of or just exhaused.


roxyluvr
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/13/2007 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
CapninHapnin said...
This one is going to be tough to post on. You see, I am on the other side and my wife went though what you are going through. This may be painful, and may not even apply to you. But your description is familiar, so here is why I resisted help.

Reasons I did not seek help.

1. I liked being in the hypomanias (I thought it was the booze that made me such fun). This is no crap, there had been parties that were cancelled because I was unable to attend. I played golf better when I was on top of the world. Why would I ever want to change that?

2. I was getting a lot of attention from my wife. Albeit, not all of it was good. But all the focus was on me. Her needs, wants, desires were ignored which made it easy for me. I did not have to put any effort into the relationship.

3. Because of my lack of effort, I thought I would test her to see how big of a jacka** and see if she would leave. I would accuse her of wanting to be with an old boyfriend. I knew this was untrue, but I used it for manipulation.

4. I was a man's man. I was tough. I thought all pdocs, male or female, wore high heeled shoes. There couldn't possibly anything wrong with me. That would be a declaration of weakness.

5. I liked who I was. What if we found out I was BP? What is my true personality? Who am I really? Am I the big, tough guy or the little boy weeping at his Dad's grave? Would I like a medicated me? Would my wife stay with me?

6. Does this mean I will be sick the rest of my life? Do I have to be a regular at the docs office? Will I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?

7. Anything askew with the noggin has a stigma attached to it. I could announce to everyone if I had testicular cancer, but this must be kept in secret. Can I keep this secret from now on?

8. Would I have to be questioning my behavior for the rest of my life? How do I know what I am doing is correct? What is "normal?"

9.Would people that are aware of this condition use it against me?

I finally had to seek help. And through it all, my wife stayed with me. I am the luckiest guy in the world.

I don't know if this is of any help, but it is from one guy that has been there.

Good luck

Cap

 
Cap...I must ask (hopefully you see this), if your wife had stood up during one of these periods where you tried to push her away and appeared "stronger than you" (if you will), how would you have reacted to it if you thought you actually used her?  Soooo many of these sound like what is going on with my (ex) boyfriend...I posted today about our story, as well as joining the site today.  Hopefully I hear a reply from you since this is the route i'm now going as I don't have the strength left to do anything else.  I want things to work with him, but not if he's like this.  Thank you!

23andlosing
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/24/2007 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
CapninHapnin said...
This one is going to be tough to post on. You see, I am on the other side and my wife went though what you are going through. This may be painful, and may not even apply to you. But your description is familiar, so here is why I resisted help.

Reasons I did not seek help.

1. I liked being in the hypomanias (I thought it was the booze that made me such fun). This is no crap, there had been parties that were cancelled because I was unable to attend. I played golf better when I was on top of the world. Why would I ever want to change that?

2. I was getting a lot of attention from my wife. Albeit, not all of it was good. But all the focus was on me. Her needs, wants, desires were ignored which made it easy for me. I did not have to put any effort into the relationship.

3. Because of my lack of effort, I thought I would test her to see how big of a jacka** and see if she would leave. I would accuse her of wanting to be with an old boyfriend. I knew this was untrue, but I used it for manipulation.

4. I was a man's man. I was tough. I thought all pdocs, male or female, wore high heeled shoes. There couldn't possibly anything wrong with me. That would be a declaration of weakness.

5. I liked who I was. What if we found out I was BP? What is my true personality? Who am I really? Am I the big, tough guy or the little boy weeping at his Dad's grave? Would I like a medicated me? Would my wife stay with me?

6. Does this mean I will be sick the rest of my life? Do I have to be a regular at the docs office? Will I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?

7. Anything askew with the noggin has a stigma attached to it. I could announce to everyone if I had testicular cancer, but this must be kept in secret. Can I keep this secret from now on?

8. Would I have to be questioning my behavior for the rest of my life? How do I know what I am doing is correct? What is "normal?"

9.Would people that are aware of this condition use it against me?

I finally had to seek help. And through it all, my wife stayed with me. I am the luckiest guy in the world.

I don't know if this is of any help, but it is from one guy that has been there.

Good luck

Cap


You are describing my significant other to a T. He has even told me " I just act like a jack*** to see how far you'll let me go, and you don't make me put any effort into this relationship...."

What happened that made the turning point? I'm almost at wits end. I'm tired of walking around eggshells, trying to hear if he's in a pissed or angry mood whenever I come home or answer the phone. I want him to get help (he doesn't have insurance) and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. It's so hurtful! I would've tried to PM you, but, it won't let me. Please help. I'm desperate. I'm so tired of getting yelled at for dumb things.

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 7/24/2007 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
23andlosing,
 
I wanted to welcome you to the HW family, I hope you find the support you are looking for here.
 
Olivia

roxyluvr
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/25/2007 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
23andlosing...I most definitely would like to talk to you, but i'm not sure how to PM.  We might be clones on this one.

23andlosing
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/25/2007 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
okay, well, since I can't post my email address on here, how can I send a message to roxyluvr? Her email icon is grey (doesn't work) and so is mine......any suggestions?

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 7/25/2007 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   
23andlosing said...
okay, well, since I can't post my email address on here, how can I send a message to roxyluvr? Her email icon is grey (doesn't work) and so is mine......any suggestions?
It was not that you can't post your email, but it is not recommended that you post some personal info.
 
The best was to post it is by going to control panel > Edit Profile then putting your email in there.  That way it is public but only as long as you have it that way.
 
Show my E-Mail address - Hide my E-Mail address are wasys you can manage your account
 
If it's gray, it is probably because you have not posted your address, or you have it hidden fromt he public.
 
Olivie

23andlosing
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/25/2007 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Olivie,

Thanks for the welcome, and, I think I've got it now!!! :)
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