Sticking my head in the sand

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Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/27/2006 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes I think I must be descended from ostriches!

I have a really STUPID habit.
If something needs doing and I've left it too late and it's getting really bad, I ignore it.
And I WON'T do anything about it.
I just can't make myself do anything, because that's admitting it exists.

This has caused major problems in the past.
I've ignored bills for months, years, and then had MAJOR problems.
I have a LOT of debt because of this.

And I feel myself doing it right now.
I'm having a problem with one of my classes.
THey don't seem to be taking my needs into account.

My other classes are being wonderful; the lecturers are being really, really good about my needs and making sure I have extra time if I need it, and telling me not to worry about trying to do things I simply cannot do, I won't get marked down if I can't do something because of my disabilities.

But this one class is making me have LESS time than the rest of the students because they are being totally inflexible about receiving my work.

So I get a day less than everyone else, and I have to go out of my way to hand in my work, and that is going to absolutely kill me on the day I have to do it.

Now, I told myself I'd see how it went this week and if I wasn't happy, I'd have words with the senior lecturer, and if she didn't change things, I'd have words with my course director cos he's been really good about my needs.
But...
We get a week to do the work.
We did the lab work on Tuesday and the work is to write up the report and hand the book in.
I have to hand it in Monday because the time they want it, I simply cannot get onto campus on Tuesday. It would cause me major issues.

And... I've not done anything yet at all.
I had a maths assignment and an electrical engineering assignement to do so far this week.
Whilst they'd take a normal student an hour or two to do, they take me a long time because I'm writing them up because doing them on the computer just doesn't format them properly.
Plus, I now HAVE to print the lab report up I've been told, which is going to cost me a lot, and I don't want to add the cost of 2 more assignements per week to that.
Printing is expensive.
I have a lot of extra costs due to my disability already!

But... I can feel myself wanting to procrastinate.
I don't want to do the work because I know there's a problem.

I'm sure this is related to my depression, mental health, all of it.
It's the same as ignoring a bill for NO good reason.

Is it just me who does this?
Does anyone else have this weird problem?

I don't know what to do about it.
I know I should do the work, but it's like trying to fight a tidal wave!
It's like fighting serious depression, the type that you can't even get out of bed because it's so bad.
I just CAN NOT do this.
I don't know how to do it.

And I don't know what to do about it.

If I talk to my course director straight away he'll be really good; he'll sort stuff out for me so I can get extra time. I wanted to try and do it in that time though, and I wanted to give the lecturer of the class a chance to sort it out herself, but I don't want to have to explain to her that I've barely done any work again because this time the attitude of the people running that class has been causing major triggers to my depression and mania and setting off this stupid attitude!

Whenever I think about the work for that class I either want to cry or I get really angry!
How am I supposed to do decent work if I'm scared of being told off or just ignored and marked down because they're ignoring my needs?

It doesn't help that I think the class is STUPID!
We're doing lab work on stuff we don't study the theory on for weeks, even months. I have NO idea of how to prove laws that I've never heard of before, using mathematical techniques we won't study for weeks...
Surely we should do the theory first.

darnit.
This got a lot longer cos I got depressed and angry whilst writing it.
But if I don't get something sorted out with this really soon, it's going to cause me major problems in that class.
And I cannot fail a class, especially by something so stupid as trying to ignore all the problems with it and therefore not doing the work because there are problems with it.

Please someone tell me this is normal and I'm not just stupid?
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
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Epilim Chrono 500mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
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CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/28/2006 5:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nicola hun.

Oh yes I have done this!!! When I was doing postgrad stuff and then working temporary lecturing jobs, I was forever in financial schtuck, and forever showing my ostrich roots by leaving bills till the final reminder (which typically always seemed to come at a worse time financially than the initial bill!), and I almost got a massive council tax fine because I just didn't sort myself out and kept missing payments. I've trained myself to be much better about this now (mainly with the aid of direct debits!). I even made myself work out a flippin' financial plan -- and stuck to it! -- and now no longer fall into the red at the end of ever month (a slightly healthier paycheque has helped though!).

On the work front, I still have a habit of putting things off till the last minute because the thought of some things sends me into denial, but, again, I've been trying to train myself.

What bugs me is that once upon a time I had no problem with any of this: I was the most organised person I know, but I slipped a lot during one really bad bout of depression. And the old depression-concentration thing doesn't help. I know that my current meds really help with that and I can feel myself getting back to better concentration and less denial. But I've long since stopped hoping that one day it will all just click again: I know I picked up some bad habits and practised them for a long time, and all bad habits take a lot of effort to break.

It will take time for you too, hun: you have to feel like the meds are helping you with the cause, and then you can start to really work on some of the behavioural patterns that you have got into (CBT can really help with this).

In the meantime, you know that there are steps you can take, and having a list to work through in kind of baby-steps is a good idea. For example, you could do all the writing up of the report today, and then come back to it tomorrow and format it. And if you can't work out how to do the formatting, you can always email me with what you've got and explain where the formatting is wrong and what's needed. I've done *a lot* of formatting in my time and this may possibly be something that I can help you figure out.

In terms of talking to someone about the provisions being made for you in this class, you know that this is something you need to do: these problems are always worth catching early, and they will be easily fixed. So, whether or not you manage to finish working through this stuff for Monday, make that your day when you prioritise emailing the relevant lines of support, or going to see them. Your uni's disabilities unit could probably intervene for you on this and save you lots of trouble.

Above all, know that you *can* make this work for you. It may take a little persistence, but you *can* do it: you are bright and strong, and you have had to deal with much bigger things than this in your life. -- And we'll help/support you in any ways we can too. :)

How are the meds and things going? Still making things a bit easier, I hope!! :)

Love to you hun,

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum

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