Gratefully I feel like writing a post this morning. I do not take this for granted ever, nor do I take for granted days that I can get up and do something that will give me a sense of wellness. I have been on the down side for several weeks, and have not felt like getting out of bed most days.
I'm moving back into things slowly as I am able to. I have taken the slogan, "easy does it", but "do it" to heart, and decided to walk back into the land of the living.
I know the things I have to do to get myself going, but am so stubborn sometimes that I wallow and hide in the comfort of my bed. I'm not saying that the depression isn't a physical problem resulting from a chemical imbalance, but I wasn't doing my part. I was hiding in fear in the land of "what ifs" what if this happens, what if that happens. I have so little control over things except that which is directly associated with myself, and even then, there are so many things I do not have control over.
Not to sound dramatic, but I have learned within the last 6 months that I have a life threatening disease liver disease that left untreated will kill me within the next few years. I have been working very hard to learn all that I can about it. I had rage at my doctor for some time because he did not send me to a specialist even with the elevated liver enzymes. Now, I have decided to do what I can, as easily as I can, as not to bring more stress on myself which only causes more problems with this condition (autoimmune hepatitis). I also have psoriatic arthritis, another autoimmune disease that is plenty enought to deal with. I've felt like Job in the bible, and I've whined, been mad, hid in my bed, ect. . I have to face things, and am now beginning to finally do this, one day at a time. The slogan "Easy Does it" came into my mind so strong, an AA slogan that I heard from alanon. I looked it up and didn't know the other part" But do it." That helped me to see that I was/am making so much stress for myself, mental and physical. There are days when I make the choice to escape, and that needs to happen from time to time for me with the stress of the illness I have and bipolar as well. But, I know from being in support groups for depression and bipolar that there are many things I can do to help myself. And I am an advocate of self help. I had just let myself fall so far down that I had forgotten that I had choices and had given myself over to the fear and confusion that was surrounding me.
I also am struggling with some personal issues that I have finally realized that I have absolutely no control over. I have changed the way I was reacting to that situtaion and it has made so much of a difference. There are things I can do to make me BETTER. I am not the helpless mess I was a few weeks ago. BUT, I had to go through another time of fighting with it all to realize that if I would just be "easy" on me, kind to me, and just do what I had to do during the stressful time and not get so stressed, which for me usually leads to depression, with or without mood swings. I seem to have had seveal of those too. One day up for several hours, the next day way down.. ugh. I have finally gotten my meds. straightened out with my pdoc and feel like I am on the right track now, both with meds, attitude, right thinking. Having reached out to several people that I consider strong support people for me, I found them open and willing to listen and hear me. That is part of the healing for me.
I didn't post here for awhile, didn't want to get on the computer, but did call a few friends. I knew I had to iniciate someting for me or nothing would happen.
I just wanted to impress "easy does it" for anyone else that is troubled with too much stress to take a step back and reflect on what is the most important thing for to do today for YOU. your mental/emotional and physical health, relationshipps, ect. . Take it easy doing it, get help from someone that can be objective about the spape you are in, get feebdack, support, hugs, eat well, do little baby steps if you have to. Be good to YOU!! and you will feel differently about yourself. But, "Do it" It really works, but cannot be done alone. I do know that, and I know that if you help yourself when you can and will do that, it's half the battle of getting better. Fear is the opposite of faith, which keeps me from moving and doing the things I know will help me.
Take time to talk to someone that will celebrate you and point out things about you that ae positive.
I needed all this a few weeks ago , but I had to go where I did to realize it all over again, so it's a process and I probably will be there again, but I learn more each time from a trip to the pits, and have more insight than I did the last time. Hopefully, this will help someone on their way to self defeat or self sabatoge. Sometimes nothing helps. Things just get so overwhelming, but we can learn from one another and help one another to get back up, brush ourself off and maybe we will be
again soon, or just "do things" that will make us feel better about
ourselves. Bipolar is an illness that can be managed, but many do not know that, esp. at the beginning.
Thanks for listening to all this.. hope it makes some sort of sense to someone.. I am rambeling..lol but if feels really good just to want to write a post. HIPPEE
" Easy does it, BUT Do it!!"
Peace and Wellness,
"Hope is seldom found in the things we can see;it is the sweet fragrance of grace."