i'm new to all of this

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badkitty
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/9/2006 4:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I found this site while digging around on the net for some sort of anonymous support. I am trying to accept a bipolar II diagnosis .... I've been denying it off and on for almost 10 years. I was trying to 'push through'. Trying to prove to everyone (including myselrf) that I can 'get over it' and be just fine. But you know what, when my head was in the sand .. something else was up in the air! And what woman wants everyone to see her waving her butt in the air! lol. so ... today isn't so bad. yesterday was rough. the day before that was one of those horribel irritable yell-at-the-kids day that makes me feel so guilty i can't stand myself.

I think that when I'm somewhere between hiding in bed and hanging from the ceiling, I can be a good pal. Supportive, cheerful, funny ... a great listener. But for now .. I am the one who needs a buddy. This whole thing is so isolating ... and nobody seems to get it. I'm tired of trying to find words to explain what I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm from another planet sometimes.

Anybody need a new friend?

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/9/2006 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Badkitty,

Really nice to meet you and welcome to HW! I think you did just fine explaininghow things are -- and you'll find people here know more how you feel than you need to say.

I'm really glad you've been digging around the web for info on bp2. -- I wish more people who were given the bp diagnosis looked into it more: ok, it's not the greatest condition in the world, but it's not the worst either -- and it's often associated with talent and intelligence :) And of course it can be managed. In fact, it really *has* to be managed otherwise it is a big problem, but bp well-managed can be much less scary than you might imagine!

Well, you've realised now that this is something that you can't just get over -- and there are loads of issues that can make that hard to accept, so virtual round of applause to you for facing the condition head-on now. -- And it doesn't matter how long it took: in fact, you deserve an even bigger round of applause for admitting that a notion you'd clung to for so long wasn't right (takes courage).

Have you got as far as arranging to see a psychiatrist? I know that word always sounds scary, but they're the ones who really know this condition and can prescribe meds from a well-informed perspective.

Whatever you want to talk about, we're here -- and so many have been through what you're going through at the moment. I should warn you that, for one reason and another, the board's been a bit slow recently, but the people here are great and well worth waiting for!! :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


badkitty
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/10/2006 4:34 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the reply to my post! and for all the nice things you had to say.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of months now. Once or the the initial DX, then one other time for a med check. He's pretty 'all business' ... not a therapist ... he just wants to talk about symptoms, treatments, and med plans. Which is fine with me. There was one thing that he said to me the first time I saw him that really got my attention. He said "you can spend all of your energy trying to prove to everyone that you are fine ... OR you can take this prescription and spend all of your energy BEING fine." dang ... what a concept.

I went to him because I started having panic attacks after taking anti-depressants that my family dr prescribed. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and i was having a hard time dealing with it for lots of reasons. You know ... it never occurs to me to go to him for help when i'm 'up' ... so he didn't know about my ups and downs. just the downs. Anyway, the zoloft set me into a spin of panic attacks .... and I ran into a dear friend who is also a fantastic counselor. She called me the next day and said that after all these years of being friends .. for once she was gonna put her counselor hat on and say something that I didn't want to hear. She suggested that I needed to see a psychiatrist .... that she had seen me up and down and up and down for a long time, and she thought it was getting to be something pretty out of control. she was right. i'm so thankful for her. if she hadn't called .. i'd probably still be denying it.

anyway ... that's the story in a nutshell. the thing is .. it's so isolating. i don't want anyone to know. so i can't talk about it. and that makes it hard to process. i talked to my mother .. and now every time i get irritated or the tiniest bit blue .. she refers to ' my condition ' ... it's like she's thankful to have something to blame it on now. that drives me nuts! people who aren't bipolar get angry ... and sad ... and they have days when they are energetic, or tired. but now i'm labeled in her eyes. that is something i don't think i'll get used to.

the other thing that i'm struggling with is that even though i am so thankful to be getting a handle on this mess ... i am having to re-evaluate so much about myself. this new 'normal' isn't normal for ME. i MISS my up days when i was bullet proof and got so much done. i was outgoing and friendly and confident. i had a sparkling house and volunteered all over the place. but now ... well .. i don't know that i LIKE being 'normal'. i know it's good for my kids ... and for my health. i know FOR SURE that i don't miss the 'down times'. but i don't feel so much like me anymore ... and you know, there were days when i really liked who i was.

sorry .. i'm rambling. i guess this it just the first chance i've had to vent. god bless ya if you read this whole long thing. whew! i feel better though .....

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/10/2006 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
HI!
 
I've read your whole post and did not find it boring at all. You have certainly found the right place to get some healing, comfort and perspective from people who "been there, done that!"
 
I agree with everything that Counterclockwise has said to you. I'm glad you're finally attacking this issue head on. There is help for you out there. I am positive that most of us here have felt exactly how you feel now. But believe me it does get better.
 
It takes awhile for the doc to find the right balance of meds for us and that is why it is so important that you keep them up to date on how you're REALLY feeling in between appointments.
 
I have been going to therapy sessions for 3-4 years now. This is the one person that I can really pour my heart out to and she will always have something to say that will help and guide me along the way of getting back to the REAL me. I strongly suggest you try to find a therapist that you can feel so comfortable with. It does truly help - at least for me it does.
 
I felt so lost at times I didn't even remember who the real me was like. I actually had to have people tell me how I use to be in my Real life back before I was diagnosed. It took me a while getting back to my Normal self but it does happen.
 
Just continue to be proactive in your treatment of Bipolar and there will be many ups and downs but remember you can always find support here from people who really understand.
 
All the best to you.
 
Sincerely, ~Sukay!*

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/11/2006 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Badkitty,

Well, your pdoc may be all business, but he certainly has a way with words! Love it! And I would thank my lucky stars for a friend like the one you've got who said about the ups and downs. -- We need support systems, and I'm so glad yours worked for you.

That said, I entirely understand what you say about your mum and blaming every mood on "the condition". It's infuriating -- but it's a very "mum" thing to do, and yuou know if she realised it wasn't helping you in the least: that you talked to her about it tells me that you trust her, which is why I'm confident that she'd be mortified if she realised she was hindering not helping. What I'd suggest is getting some reading that you can go through together. Internet resources are one thing, but books are more thorough -- and somehow more human. My favourite -- and it's great for sufferers and family/loved ones -- is David Miklowitz's "Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide": it truly is a book that you could go through with your mum -- and it will help her see when putting stuff down to bp is and is not helpful! :)

You're far from alone in clinging to the "up" times, but the truth is that they are not just the sum of the times you feel good: those "up" times come part and parcel with -- and linked to in terms of cause and effect -- the "down" times. You will never have one without the other. And you know what, "normal" doesn't mean living without feeling great ever: just as your mum shouldn't be putting every bad mood down to bp, don't you think that every good mood is going to be eliminated just because you're being treated. -- Good and bad things happen in life and it's normal to respond to them all: you will feel wonderful at times -- not out of control wonderful, but wonderful because life can throw us good things; and you will feel low at times -- because sometimes that's what happens when we have bad things to deal with. Sometimes it's not that simple -- and then you have to readdress your meds with your pdoc -- but if the meds work well, you stick to them, you will be able to see that the emotions you are having are human reactions -- real reactions -- not reactions based on silly chemical imbalances. :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


badkitty
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/11/2006 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
wow. i am overwhelmed. thanks to both of you for your words of wisdom and compassion! i am going to town tomorrow ... will be sure to look for that book that you mentioned while I am there.

i have so much to think about. usually, i am the supportive one who would read other posts and reply with kind words and hopeful messages. but i have been so worried about myself lately, i have been pretty neglectful.

i spent all last night in the emergancy room. apparently i had a cyst that ruptured. that was their best guess, anyway. so i spent all today in bed, feeling weak and sore and miserable.

tomorrow will be a better day. knowing that i have a place to turn for help has been fantastic. it really DID help me to not fall apart today. thanks again ......

kitty42467
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/16/2006 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone....
What a "site" this is. I was browsing to find more information on Fibro and came across this site. I have been Bipolar (rapid cycle type I) most of my life (now 39). And recently have been diagnosed with Fibro also. UGH!!! now at least I understand why I physically feel crappy along with emtionally all over the place. I have been on several different meds for my BP and so far have found that Lamictal is the winner for me. It helps with the racing mind and keeps my mood swings to a controllable level... for now anyway. Wellbutrin has helped with the "crashes" and naproxin has helped with the all over muscle discomfort. I can finally say I feel "better" (although I don't think I will ever be better). I can totally relate to BADKITTY. It was not that long ago when I was going thru the SAME thing. My family, especially my parents, had an AWEFUL time of understanding let alone accepting what was going on with me. It was always "you're just over emotional, too sensitive". HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT. Even my (ex)husband could not grasp what was going on. AND YES my BP played a major role in my relationship (of 16 yrs) ending up in divorce.
I have been in counceling now for a couple of years... finally found one who I "click" with. That really helps. After all these years to finally have someone "understand" and help put things in to perspective WOW, it sure makes me feel better to know I am not as "out there" as some of my family has told me I am. Feeling accepted for who and what you are is difficult enough not being "sick" let alone when you are. Especially when it is not "cancer, a cold, etc" something that people understand, can actually see.

BADKITTY, keep writing and I will do the same... GOOD LUCK keep your head up

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/16/2006 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, it's like Kitty and her alterego, Badkitty! Welcome to HW Kitty! So glad you've found us. You really sound like you've been through the mill -- but lordy you've emerged strong! All I can do is purrrrrr! :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum

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