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ScottishDragon
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/13/2006 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,

I am new here. Sorry if this is a thread that is continually posted.

Anyway, I am a 31 year old male and two weeks ago I was diagnosed as possibly having bi-polar syndrome after nearly killing myself the week before. I felt so low that I wanted to end it all!

I had a Doctors appointment for another reason, but, I felt it was time I asked about the mood swings I have. Also, my mum had been moaning about my attitude towards her and other people. She said I needed to drop the attitude otherwise we would have a serious fallout. To be honest I have no friends and talk to nobody else in my family - more due to my paranoia I think. I am also trying to fight against being made bankrupt after spending about £13,000 on things I did not need, but, was in a super good mood and didnt care. I have also nearly assaulted people for no apparent reason and have had to be held back to stop me doing something stupid. On one of my high moods I annoyed someone so much that they tried to hit me with their car but when this happened I felt invincible and thought the car couldn't hurt me. Fotunately the driver wasn't particularly capable of hitting me although sometimes I wish they had just got the job over and done with.

My life is a complete mess. I can't handle relationships and have only had two relationships who eventually had enough of the way I treated them. I kinda knew what I was doing but I couldn't stop or speak to them about it. When I was 20 my first girlfriend and I lost a baby girl for which I never received any help with as men are not supposed to need help with things like that, but, now I realise they do.

I have been prescribed Fluoxetine, but, I haven't taken any of them as I feel ok at the moment. I think I am in control of things just now, but, I am really scared of the future as I know I am not in control and my depressions are getting worse. They are getting to the point of where I can't watch TV in my room without bursting into tears and cry myself to sleep. Then I have my moments where I feel really high and get funny looks from people because of the daft things I do. My sleep patterns are really weird and sometimes I can't get out of my bed but on others I near enough sprint about the house.

Well I am due back to the Doctors on the 21st November, but, not looking forward to it and may not go. You see I returned to college to study Social Sciences after working in IT for 12 years to try and get a career within the Police, but, if I am diagnosed with this that is probably my career ended before it has started. But, I do need help as I can't concentrate on my course work and feel I am going to fail as sometimes I just day dream. Like today I had no classes so went to the library and wrote about five lines while watching what other people were doing and went a walk for a couple hours after forgetting what I was actually doing. I have also had problems keeping jobs and needed to stop drinking alcohol as people were saying I drank far too much and thought I was addicted to it.

Ok. Sorry I have went on and don't want to bore people. My head hurst now anyway. Think I might be getting a migraine now as I needed to concentrate too much.

My original point to posting this is to ask if I sound like I have bi-polar and if so what is going to happen if I am diagnosed with this. I am in the UK so I am not sure if things are different in the way of treatment, etc.

I would be really grateful for help, advice, anything really. I feel so alone and feel I would be better off dead.

Thank you for listening and sorry for being a pest.

David.
What can I say,
something 'bout my life,
I just lost again.


CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/13/2006 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there David

First off, introduction are in order. I am Cap, I live in the US and I am a cowboy. Really, I have a ranch in Oklahoma.

You sound like you are exhibiting Bi Polar symptoms. However, only a trained professional can be sure. You may have some other things going on as well.

Your mood swings sound very much BP. I had a lot of rage as well, then fits of uncontrollable weeping.

I can't help you with the meds though, my wife takes care of all that for me. All I know is I take 2 pink, 1 white, and a kind of blue one in the morning; a white one at supper, then 1 pink, a white, and the blue one at bedtime. I guess she could feed me rat poison, I wouldn't know the difference.

You need help from a trained doctor. A primary care doctor usually causes more harm than help, please go to a psychiatist. They are schooled in these types of conditions.

But, I won't mince words as I am going through it. Treatment for BP is slow. It requires a commitment from yourself that you will get through it. You are valuable. It is worth doing it. The treatment will be trying and frustrating. It won't be quick. But if you stay the course, you will like it. A whole new world will open up to you. Sunrises will be more pleasureable, relationships will more rewarding, and you will enter each day knowing that you are a gift to all around you.

And, you can never be a pest here. Keep us updated.

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/14/2006 6:31 AM (GMT -7)   
dragon,
 
let me second what cap told you.  your behavior sounds like bp but only a trained professional psychiatrist (pdoc) can diagnose you for sure.
 
i went through the suicide thing.  i had attempted suicide 8 times by the time i was 20.  noone ever knew - i hid the scars well. when i was in my 50s, in 2002 i believe it was, i had a botched epidural steroid injection for my back pain and my pain went through the roof.  i couldn't stand the pain any more, took out all my pain pills, and started taking them one bottle at a time.  fortunately, my wife stopped me and took me to my gp (general practictioner) dr.  he sent me immediately to a pdoc who started me on meds and eventually diagnosed me as bp.
 
you said something that concerns me.  do you have bpo meds now that you're not taking?  if so, it is a slow and painful way to oblivion that i wouldn't wish on my first wife,  well maybe.  nah.  :-)    finding the right mix of meds and the correct dosages is a slow process.  the meds may take as much as a year to take full effect.  mine took effect almost immediately - but then again, i'm not normal.  scool the other thing is that you will probably find that your meds need "tweaking" occationally as your illness progresses and as you progress in handling it and also as your moods shift.
 
i beliueve that you need a referral to a pdoc from your gp in the uk.  rosie will probably cover that for you and it's been about 25 yrs since i lived there, so i've forgotten a lot of the details.  if she comes on, dj can also tell you.  rosie and dj are both english ladies.  we get a fair amount of brits here.  reminds me of home.
 
anger.  yes.  i've had anger problems almost all my life.  most people who know me now would never believe this, but when i was much younger i used to get into fights all the time.  funny thing was i "won" - whatever that means - almost all the time.  of course the 4 nd 5 yr olds that i was fighting . . . . . not really.  it was a bad time for me.  i was angry at the world - with the universe!  i turned that anger inward when i attempted suicide.  not a good place to be.  but i survived it and i have every confidence that you will, too.
 
enough of my rant on your rant.  keep in touch, see a pdoc, and ALWAYS take the meds.
 
warren

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/14/2006 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi David,

Welcome to HW! -- Lovely to see another UK bod here (unless you're a Scottish Dragon that has flown somewhere else of course!). I'm also 31 -- what a flippin' marvellous age, eh?!

Like the others, I see bp in what you're describing -- but a "possibly bp" diagnosis won't do it. I think you are in the UK, in which case, I'm guessing that this "possibly" diagnosis came from your gp. That's a good start (many gps don't pick up on these things), but now you need the next step and you need it asap. -- Has your gp referred you to a psychiatrist (the medical profession that can diagnose and prescribe for this condition)? If so, how long ago, and how much stress has been put on getting an appointment quickly? If not, why not??! This is the first thing that needs to happen.

Ok, meds... Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant, and bp generally needs a mood stabiliser as well. (If you don't have both then the anti-depressant on its own can possibly trigget a manic episode). If you are in a manic episode then you need a mood stabiliser or antipsychotic (depending on severity) straight away. This is something you need to address with whoever is currently doing the diagnosing: if you *are* bp, then the anti-d is not enough on its own! -- So, forget that appointment on the 21st: make an earlier one and ask questions and push for a psychiatric evaluation that will confirm or rule out bp. -- And find out all you can about the condition. This is a true case of "knowledge is power": the more knowledge you have about bp (if this is what you have), the more *you* will be in control of it.

Treated bp doesn't rule out being successful (incuding in the jobs you mention). In fact, one thing about bp is that there are documented cases of people who have the condition under control (i.e. in treatment, including meds) being very successful. So please don't beat yourself up about that.

In terms of the relationships, don't know how much help I can be... . I came here to help my ex (but he never accepted the problem and things fell apart anyway). I've been the person on the other end. That doesn't at all mean that I don't understand what you're going through: I always did with my ex, but that wasn't enough. The truth is that all the understanding in the world isn't enough when it comes to bp, unless you are being treated (i.e therapy and meds) too. But that needn't just seem like a scary prospect: the things in your life that will improve from proper management of the condition cannot be underestimated.

Keep us posted hun.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


ScottishDragon
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/17/2006 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi There,

Thanks for the replies. At least some people on this planet do care and I am glad I came onto this site. The outside world is not capable of understanding me.

Well, I am still in Scotland - wish I was some where else though. It has been raining for what seems like forever and it doesn't help my mood I think.

Anyway, it was my GP who gave the possible diagnosis, however, she is not the GP I normally see. I went to see this one as I always feel the other one is a bit daft. In fact this same GP said I had no problems with my knee and the pain was in my head. 6 months later I was in hospital getting my cruciate ligament repaired.

Ho hum, I digress. The thoughts in my head are absolutely racing at the moment and I go from one thing to another without finishing the first and then most probably forget what I was doing. Managed to mess up my Economics exam yesterday by studying the wrong thing. Concentration span of a goldfish I think.

She asked me questions and I think she scored my answers on a sheet. I guess the responses are a measure for the next stage. At the moment I have no appointment with a psychiatrist, but, I guess I will have to wait until Tuesday now to see what happens. I so do not want to go but know something needs to be sorted. I haven't put any stress on getting an appointment as I am completely in the dark about this and I am not very confident at pushing for things.

I haven't taken the Fluoxetine as I read the instructions or whatever they are called and it said it could cause a manic episode or such like and I was like well theres no point in doing that as I feel like I am about to go that way anyway. I think I am already there but it is not as bad as the other times. I still feel kind of normal but more hyper than usual. You should see me typing then! I only hope I can keep like this until Tuesday so she can see the difference, but, I don't know what later tonight is going to bring or even tomorrow. During the week I cried myself to sleep then woke a few hours later and went for a run - just a pity my body was not as fit as my mind at the time as my legs gave up but my mind wanted to keep on going!

I spoke to my ex-girlfriend the other night and she said it was good I was finally doing something about the way I am as she says it's just not right. She said she was always worried I would do something really stupid sometime and she couldn't take it anymore. I only just realised then how much pain and grief I caused her for the time we went together. She also said it's been two years since we broke up and I should have found somebody else by now. I hadn't realised it had been this long. The last eleven years of my life have went past so quickly it seems and I have done absolutely nothing with my life.

I have thought about maybe asking to see a counsellor too. I don't know if this is a good thing or not as I think I have issues in other areas I need to deal with or maybe just one step at a time. I dunno.

If I could stay the way I am just now it would be fantastic. I like the world just now and don't mind people looking at me and wondering why I am smiling. I just don't want to go back to the way I was a few weeks ago as I just don't think I could handle it. All those terrible thoughts and feelings. I honestly feel I am walking along the edge of a cliff just now and at any time I will fall.

Well, I am going to post this now as I am going on a bit.

Hope all is well with everyone and will post again.

David.
What can I say,
something 'bout my life,
I just lost again.


harukakimiko
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/17/2006 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello David!!!!
I don't think i've welcomed you and if I've did then welcome again = ^ . ^ =

I'm newly diagnosed bp myself so I understand somewhat of what your going through.
I think seeing a counsilor would help a great deal. Talking helps me just figure out what's going on in my life. Makes me see clearly what I need to see if that makes any sense?

I understand the uncertainty of not pushing for appointments but I think you should. The faster you do the more sooner you shall recieve new information and certainty. I was such a reck looking for appointments...i'm shy to begin with and asking if something is wrong with me when others thought I was just playing wasn't very easy to do. I got lucky because my doc comes with a therapist in the same small building. So i meet regulary with them each week since i've had many downs lately but now it's ups @ . @ can't it just be steady for once.

I hope this little information helps.

~kimberly~

P.s. like the name ScottishDragon sounds so cool

ScottishDragon
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/17/2006 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kimberly,

Thank you for your welcome and kind words. When you posted your reply I was reading about your problems with your college. I am glad you got this sorted.

I can relate to "can't it just be steady for once" so well. If I could be the way I am just now and not have to worry about going off the deep end or sliding into the gutter it would be great.

The talking thing sounds just what I need as I think I too need to talk about my problems to actually make me aware that they are there and they are not going anywhere in any particular hurry.

When I look at other people in the street and on my course it makes me jealous and angry that they don't appear to have a care in the world. I have often been asked why I am grumpy and what drug am I on but I could never actually tell them. How do you tell somoene that at a partcular time you feel like ending it all or you are so high on life or whatever you could literally fly. I can only imagine the response.

Ah, I feel I could type all night now. It is a weird place to be, inside my head.

Thanks again.

David.
What can I say,
something 'bout my life,
I just lost again.


harukakimiko
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/17/2006 1:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello David,
I'm glad I'm of a use.
I'm pretty sure the talking will help you out, I mean who doesn't like to be listened to?

I've gotten jealous of others because I thought they had it easier too. I felt bad because I was having such a hard time with four classes and others were doing five classes and jobs. I came to realize we all have problems, we just never notice others cause they hide them like we do ours.

I know what you mean with " How do you tell somoene that at a partcular time you feel like ending it all " I felt so out of control, my best friend saw me falling and hurting myself. She told me to call her any time day or night because she cares. But how do you find the voice to say it hurts so bad? Make all the feelings go away. I felt like a bottle being shaken with the top still on...the pressure building up inside me. I coulnd't handle that feeling.

Thats why i'm so glad you found this wonderful forum. There are a lot of people who can relate and are very caring. I found you whose going through similiar things and talk to about the confussion in our lives.

~Kimberly~
I feel like I can type and I have been hehehe
 
 With dreams I soar with pain I fall with hopes I begin again. = ^ . ~ =  Me
 
 Anatole France: To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only   
                        plan, but also believe.
 
 Philo: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

 


ScottishDragon
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/21/2006 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

Well, I have just been to the GP and she has given me 30 Fluoxetine to last me until the 19th December. I see her on this date also.

I asked about seeing a counsellor or someone and she said she is not going to refer me until at least the next appoitnment even although she knows I have taken none of my first batch of Fluoxetine. She says that because I appear to be "agitated" that seeing someone just now would not help and may make things worse. I was like, well, thats because I am heading completely in the other direction to what I was like when I first seen her. I feel really, really, good at the moment and by the weekend I reckon I will be completely hyper. I have spent money today which I do not have to spend as it's to last me until January when I next get my student loan. I've been going through my essays like nothing on earth, which is a bonus - just a pity it was all on the wrong stuff.

I am completely dreading if I come back down to earth with a thunderous bump now. I don't think I will cope the next time and feel that something should have been done as I am still nowhere near knowing what is wrong with me and at least if some professional body says this is wrong or that is wrong then that would help. I have been getting serious migraines these last few days too. I actually feel like hitting my head off a wall.

Another thing that just popped into my head. I don't see the GP until the 19th December which more than likely means I am not going to be refered to someone else until next year.

I will have to consider going to see a counsellor privately but these things cost money and this is something I do not have.

Anyway, I will leave it there

David.
What can I say,
something 'bout my life,
I just lost again.

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