Hanging by a thread, and now it's gone

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Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/21/2006 3:30 AM (GMT -7)   
In the last couple of months, the baseline of my depression (the lowest it gets) seems to have steadily got worse.
In the 11 days I've been on antidepressants, I've been getting lower and lower and lower rapidly.
And yesterday I'd just had enough.
I decided to give in to the voice telling me to give up.
Rob finally got it out of me that I'd decided to give up.
I'd worked it all out too; finish painting the model army he needs this weekend. Let him go away for the weekend. Go to see my parents to say goodbye to my cats, come back here, tidy up a bit and then kill myself.
He spent so long trying to tell me it'll be ok, but I just can't cope with the depression anymore.
It makes everything so difficult, and so everything makes it worse.
I can't see that it will get better.
The antidepressants seem to be making me worse.
I knew they wouldn't be an instant fix, but I'm too low now to be able to wait any longer.
Rob keeps telling me he's here for me and it'll be ok, that he can help me cope, but it just feels too much.
I don't know how I can cope with this.
I can't cope with this.
I spend the whole time wanting to die.
I was off from uni for 2 weeks for physical illness, and now 2 days for this, if I'm off any longer I'm worried they'll make me leave.
But I don't feel like I can go in like this. I don't want to go in. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to live.
It's all too much.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 500mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 70mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/21/2006 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Djonma,
 
I feel so very bad for you in the state that you are. I have been through so many low depressive times of this illness too. Believe me I have been there when I wanted to end it all too. It got to the point that was all I was thinking and planning about day after day.
 
You really need to call your doctor and let them know EXACTLY how you're feeling. Let your doctor make the next decision for you. You may need to go into the hospital until you are in a more stable condition or perhaps he may make a med change for you.
 
I don't like the idea of you being left alone during this time. I know it really sucks at times and ending it all sounds the easy and most sensible way out to you.
 
Please get yourself some help. I for one know that brighter days will come back and one day you will be at your normal self again. I just came out of a 2 year depression cycle and believe me many times I "Thought" I would never be normal again.
 
I am here today, feeling Great and can't believe how far I have come. It is a battle but it is worth the fight. A fight you don't have to battle alone. You have your Pdoc and maybe you should find a therapist. Those two combinations have helped me tremendously throughout the years! Your husband sounds very supportive. Luckily mine was too. Please reach out another time and get the help/support you need at this difficult time for you.
 
I hope nothing but the best for you. Please keep in contact with all of us here. We want to hear how you are coping.
 
Sincerely, ~Sukay~*

Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/21/2006 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I went to the doctor. My boyfriend (not husband yet) made me go really.
He spoke to the community mental health team.
What we've worked out is that he's activating the home care team, who deal with people in crisis and try to avoid hospitalisation. If it doesn't work by friday, I'll probably end up in hospital for the weekend at least as my boyfriend's away for the weekend.
If I asked him not to go, he wouldn't go... but he's been looking forward to this one weekend since January, and he's paid for it all, and I really don't want to ruin the weekend for him, it's a once a year event.

So, I'll wait for the team to get in touch with me and see what they want to do.
I thikn they'll want to visit me.
That worries me.... I've been depressed... so my room is a mess. I've not tidied for ages, and I've not cleaned the bathroom.
God I hate depression.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 500mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 70mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/21/2006 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Nicola hun, I almost committed myself on Friday for the very same reason. The meds hardly seem to be touching the depression, and if it weren't for the hurt I'd cause, I think I too would give up and stop everything. But it would destroy my parents, and they have been through so much with me. Truth is, that's not a way out. Today my dosage was upped.

Let your boyfriend go away and email me. I'll give you my number and you can call and we can try to help each other through the bad times. -- If you want anyway. You've always inspired me. It might help both of us.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/23/2006 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry for the lack of responses, been having a rough time.
It just got worse.
But I went to the mental health hospital (we have a seperate hospital in my town!) yesterday evening for a chat with 2 of the community mental health team to arrange support for this weekend.
They're really good and they're going to help, and they gave me numbers to ring if I was in trouble.
I felt ok, and then I got home and I just couldn't do anything again; I couldn't cook, I couldn't even remove my trainers. I just curled up and cried til Rob got here.

And today I've actually been feeling a lot better. I've been into uni, I've been understanding what's going on in my lectures, despite being off for 2 weeks. My lecturers have been really nice about me being off, and my new glasses were ready so I picked them up. I can see!
I think I might be a little manic, so I don't know if it's actual non-depression, but I'm not crying non-stop, so it's a start!
I do feel a lot better than I have done, even if I'm not normal yet.
Though this morning I nearly broke down and cried because there was a puddle in my path and people on the other side of the path so I couldn't get past it easily.
It's amazing what little things we just can't do when we're depressed.
To me, it was the end of the world. I nearly gave up and went home instead of going to uni, just because of one tiny puddle!

But after that things were better.

Rosie, I'll try to work out emailing you tomorrow; last evening with my boyfriend tonight so I want to spend it well!
I'm not very good on the phone though, I warn you; I don't really like talking on the phone, and I've got a hearing problem.
Maybe if you've got MSN that would be better? (and cheaper!) or we could use the HW chat room?

I'm now trying to set up a daily activity plan for this weekend which a booklet the CMHT gave me suggests. They said to keep myself busy which should help.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 500mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 70mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 11/26/2006 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nicola,

I'm sorry you had more bad -- but glad things felt better by the time you posted. It may not be mania (and I hope not), as it sounds like your concentration levels are getting better and that sounds more like you're getting towards a more level plane.

I've felt pretty overwhelmed by little things like puddles myself, and I know that it doesn't matter that it seems little to others (and even ourselves afterwards): at the time it feels massive and insurmountable. Well, giving oyurself a break will help with some of that, and so will your therapy -- and it really does sound like you're collecting a good team around you.

Hope you had a lovely evening with Rob -- and that your activity plan was helpful (and fun!). Don't worry if you're not up to emailing: I know sometimes things like that feel overwhelming to me too, and I'd never want you to do anything you didn't feel up to. I'm pretty rubbish on the phone too (and msn and chat -- an all round incompetent when it comes to fast moving conversations at the moment!). Just look after yourself and know that you can contact me if you ever feel it would help you.

Here's to a good week hun! :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


LadyDragonfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 11/27/2006 1:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay...I looked at your signature. You are dealing with bipolar, AND fibromyalgia AND thoracic outlet syndrome...all at ONCE? Why are you beating yourself so badly? My friend, fibro alone will make you tired, zap your energy and make you depressed. TOS can be painful too. Then you are also being worked up for ulcerative colitis?

Well, you are mess. I don't mean a mental, depressed suicidal mess, your body is mess! How can you expect yourself to deal effectively with your physical problems and NOT be depressed? People can have physical symptoms from depression (the commercial, where does depression hurt), but you know...having physical problems can make one extremely depressed.

As I think about this, I am worried that your physical problems are not being properly treated. I am concerned that someone (could be you and/or a doctor) is blaming everything on the bipolar, when my sense is that something else is at work here. Think back to when this depression started. Was it surrounding a workup for UC, or did you have a fibro episode that left you drained? It is possible you just felt so lousy that you aren't sure as you read this. That is okay, you can't be expected to know what is going on inside your body at any given time. I want you to be sure that your physical illnesses are being properly looked after and that you are optimizing treatment for that FIRST, before you adjust medications and before you let yourself get down that low again.

You know, in the universe there are hundreds of galaxies, and in this galaxy hundreds of possible life-bearing worlds. But in the all universe, there is only one YOU...and she is to be savored. Stick around, please?
The Lady Dragonfly
Yes, it was me...I know because I was there when I did it. Lupus sufferer, bipolar II sufferer. Currently on Indocin for chronic pericarditis related to lupus, and cherishing every deep breath without pain. Currently in graduate school for mental health counseling, class of Fall 2007. Vegan and loving it!


Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/30/2006 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I've had an odd couple of weeks.
The weekend with Rob away wasn't too bad. I had contact with him and the community mental health team. I got rather manic saturday and ended up taking a seroquel and slept all saturday evening and most of sunday anyway!
This week I've been depressed, but not constantly suicidal, but I've been having dips where I just fall apart completely, until yesterday, and yesterday and today I've been violent, angry, wanting to cut, getting urges and compulsions to cut and break things and hurt people. I had to take seroquel last night, and might again tonight.
I just saw my pdoc and I went in there wanting an increase in my epilim more than anything, to control the mania, and if that would help the depression, fine, but if not, then more lofepramine as well.
I didn't even have to ask.
I told him how I'd been.
He doubled the dosage of both.
I am so relieved!
He said they're obviously not working enough at that dosage.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
So, I now have a HUGE box of epilim cos they're so large; I'm not seeing him til Jan 18th, so they're to carry me through til then. And I have 2 boxes of lofepramine.
Hopefully this will be the right dosage! Or at least help more.

Rosie, sorry I didn't get in touch last weekend; as I said, I slept through most of it in the end cos of the seroquel. Stupid meds! But it keeps the mania away!

LadyDragonfly... I know, my whole body is a disaster.
And I've only listed the major things in my sig.
I did have doctors that put everything down to being in my head, but now I'm at the new health centre at uni, they're being really, really good. The doctor I see regularly is determined to get everything sorted out and make consultants sort things out and not just look at the words 'depression and fibromyalgia' and assume I'm making it all up.
And I finally have a psychiatrist and I'm getting treatment for the BP.
It's such an amazing difference!
I used to dread going to the doctors and I'd get worked up about it, now I rather enjoy my weekly meeting with my GP and we chat and she's so nice and friendly and she refuses to let me let things slide. She's really making sure things are getting sorted out.

This bad bout of depression was actually after a terrible bout of UC. I was in hospital overnight; they thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out it was probably the UC playing up. I was on morpheine I was in that much pain. My physical symptoms finally calmed down sunday night/monday morning. The monday morning I woke up and I was just lower than I'd been for a LONG time. I thought it was completely out of the blue.
I never thought it could be cos of the UC... I mean I know I get fed up of being ill... but I was just so depressed about being depressed, I was fed up of the constant mood fluctuations because it isn't controlled yet. I'd been angry at my boyfriend sunday lunch time over absolutely nothing, I'd felt horribly ill all sunday (horrible UC thing: I'd been to the toilet more times in one day than most people do in TWO WEEKS!!!).
But I just didn't connect the depression to that... It could be that I got really bad and so it kicked off my depression. I'll have to take more note of my depression cycles and my physical illness in the future.
Hopefully I'll have my colonoscopy soon and they can get to treating the UC so I can get away from having problems with it!


Wow this was a long post!
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 500mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 70mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/6/2006 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
ok tomorrow is my first visit to a therapist so i havent' really be diagnosed and i am having a hard time finding a psychiatrist but

djonma = you mentioned seroquel - why are you on that ?
i only ask because i am on it too and all i do is sleep'

Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 12/9/2006 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I have the seroquel for if I'm really manic. It's just an emergency med so I don't hurt myself or someone else.
It knocks me out completely, so it stops the problem.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 1000mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 140mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/9/2006 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
oh wow.......... because so far all they have told me is that i have panic/anxiety disorder , agoraphobia, and ocd so i guess i scared my doc a little when i told him i was sort of parnoid and times and heard voices some so he put me on this.

thanks for the response


God bless you all

Djonma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 12/10/2006 3:14 AM (GMT -7)   
The seroquel is an antipsychotic, so it will be for the voices no doubt.
I hope you get things worked out soon so they can decide what's going on and help you through it!

Nicola
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999
Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005
(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests
(?) BiPolar
Thrombocytosis

Epilim Chrono 1000mg at night (Sodium Valproate)
Lofepramine (Feprapax or Gamanil) 140mg at night.
Quetiapine (Seroquel) when needed.

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