when are you going to get out of this depression, my friend? it has gone on too long. (i know, tell you about it!)
people who tell you to cheer up because it's christmas are like the idiots who tell you to just "snap out of it." we all would if we could. christmas may be "the happiest time of the year" but is also the time of the year when the most suicide take place. gaz, i know that you don't want your life to just become a statistic.
in judaism, the anniversary of a person's death is a sacred time called a yortzite. it is a time to reflect on how that individual affected your life positively and to concentrae on the good that the person did during their lifetime. instead of sadness, there is a joy for the individual to have been alive and a part of our lives. i'm not trying to convert you, gaz, just to give you another frame in which to view your mother's death. my parents were both abusive, but i do my best during their yortzite to concentrate on their positive qualities - and yes, i am able to find a few. i sure you can find many for your mother.
enjoy your time away and come back to us stronger and happier.
best of the holliday season to you, gaz. may it bring you joy and peace.