I have had a lot of these recently - little things tip me over the edge.
I think I'm quite strange as I usually realise I'm looking at a knife or something so I put things like that away - I make sure there's nothing dangerous in view to temp me , so yes , I have to actually pick them up - I think it might be because I've got used to the feeling and know that it will pass so I just deal with it best I can. I'll wait for others to tell me if I'm weird or not?
I then usually go to a "safe" room , throw some stuff around (make sure the room you choose has nothing dangerous or move the stuff to another room when you are in a well state - this means you will have decided which room you use before you got suicidal) pillows , shoes , etc...
When I've no energy left I just lay on the floor crying while I go through a mental list of people that would be devastated if I "did the deed". Think hard , think how they will feel , think how much you would hurt them. Have photos in the room to look at if that helps.
Can you still do it? No....all the dangerous stuff is outa sight , you've no energy left cos you used it flipping out in your safe room , and you don't wanna hurt the people you love and who love you. Besides , there is no magic way to do it - and you wouldn't want to suffer either.
When you've realised you're worth something , that you can't opt out and that you have to pick up the pieces and get on with it , do some deep breathing and stretch yourself out.
I don't know if what I've said will help - it's just my way of coping , I think we all have our own ways. It will be interesting to see what other people do.
As for work - you have an illness , you don't do this for the fun of it.
Take care *hugs*
Post Edited (ravenswing) : 12/18/2006 9:54:22 AM (GMT-7)
Having been there 3 times in the past 7 weeks, I can totally relate. I threatened to OD on Halloween. That landed me in a psych unit for a week. Then I really did OD on the 17th of November. I took a bunch of xanax, esgic plus, benadryl and I can't remember what else right now. That put me in the hospital overnight for observation and then they sent me home. We locked up all my meds in a fireproof safe and I have to ask my hubby for my pills. So I went to Walmart and bought Simply Sleep and Benadryl, then I OD'd on them on the 28th of November. That landed me in the ER and had to drink charcoal and some other crap. Yuck! I was in the ER for hours and then the doctor blue slipped me and back to the psych unit I went. I wasn't going to sign the paperwork to go. I called the doctor every name I could think of, I insulted him, I was a brat. I did not want to go back to the psych unit. I wanted to go home. I promised my hubby I'd be good and that I'd see my counselor 3 times a week if he let me go home. But by then it was out of his hands because of the blue slip from the doctor. I was pissed that my attempt didn't work. I was mad at myself for attempting again. I was just plain angry at everyone.
I've been on the survivor end too. I know how my family and friends would feel if I had succeeded. I had a boyfriend kill himself when I was 18 yrs old. He will have been gone 20 yrs in March. It was one of the most devastating things to ever happen in my life.
So now when I think of these acts, I'm trying to remember my friends and family. Do I want them to feel that same way? No, I don't. It's the most selfish act anyone can do. I KNOW this. But sometimes it doesn't make it any easier to deal with things, nor from wishing for things to happen to you.
You have so many people here in your corner. I know I do too. It helps to have this forum to come to and vent and have other "get it". Hang in there, I'm hanging on the branch next to you!
For some reason my computer won't let me e-mail you via the board way. I tried......
I guess I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you, and what that man's 'wife' said to you is unimaginable! OUCH! I am a beleiver that what comes around, goes around.
I can't imagine the loss that you must feel re: your miscariges. I lost (3) pregnancies before having my son, and I know. (hugs)
Anyhow, feel free to write to me any time. I am sending happy thoughts your way. Take care & I hope today and a better and brighter day!
I hope my post didn't offend you in any way. If it did, then I apologize.
For *me* the only thing to keep me going are my kids. My grandmother took an overdose of drugs when I was a little over a year old. I found her. I was only 1, but I will never forget the sight of her being taken away on that gurnie (sp?)
I'm really glad that you are able to think your thoughts through and tell yourself not to be thinking that way. I'm working on that right now. I need to want to be here for me. I need to know that I am worth being around. Does that make sense? probably not. lol
Wishing you a good day.