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athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/22/2006 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 i really need some advice. before i started having all the panic/anxiety attacks and my manias i use to babysit. we kept the little boy starting when he was 2 months old and now he is 1 1/2 yrs old.  we have kept him over night. one week ... i had him the whole week.
 
since all of this stuff has started going on with me i had to stop keeping him. i just snapped one night and things have not been the same since. so any way. my husband goes and picks him up after work and keeps him for 2 to 4 hours in the evening because he misses him so much (i can't blame him so do i ) the thing is hubby keeps talking about when i start watching him again and how he can't wait and the thing of it is - well i don't know if i will ever be able to keep him again. maybe once i find a doc to help with meds because my therapist was awful. but i just can't manage to see that far ahead right now and sometimes i feel like he is just pushing and it is going to end up pushing me over the edge again
 
any advice would help!!!!!!!!
 
 
God bless you all

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/23/2006 3:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Please , tell him how you feel. Tell him that you need to take one day at a time , that you need to stay focused on the present as the future is too overwhelming right now.

You need to find a new therapist , so that you can get well. Only when you are well can you start thinking about babysitting again.

Let me know how you go ,

Take care ,

Smiler tongue


Bipolar Moderator
 
DX : Bipolar , Panic Disorder , GAD , OCD.
 
If HealingWell.com has helped you in some small or big way, please donate and enable us to continue helping others find their way to "healing well" at http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
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Ducky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3199
   Posted 12/23/2006 8:23 AM (GMT -7)   
smiler is right... as much as you want to watch that little boy again, you need to remember and think about you... Maybe once you find a new therapist, have your hubby go with you so that the doc can tell your husband, and maybe he'll understand a little bit better... I know it's hard.. hang in there.. and remember, we are always here.. please let us know how you are doing..
Confirmed Diagnosis of - Psoriatic Arthritis/Spondylitis/Graves Disease/GERD/Scoliosis/Hiatal Hernia/Graves Disease of the Eyes/Chronic UTIs
Current Meds -  Enbrel/Prevacid/Synthroid/Nitrofurantoin
Past Meds - Inderal/PTU/Prednisone/Voltaren/Feldene/Mobic/Cortisone and Steroid Shots
Additional Supplements - Multi-Vitamin/Bromelian/Acidophilus/Green Tea
 


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/25/2006 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
that's just the thing we have had this discussion it seems like a hundred times and he understands and then all of the sudden here we go again. it is like i have a couple of good days and he starts bringing it up again. like yesterday. we went and got the baby and brought him up here to give him his christmas gifts and spend a little time with him. everything went well. we took him home and after that it was just like oh well family time was over and he went to do his own thing and it just really gets to me. i feel like a failure because i can't keep him and it is upsetting to my hubby because he misses him. i just can't do anything right. this is just all so screwed up. but on with another day.

oh yeah and the baby's mom said yesterday that i need to hurry and get better so that i could start keeping him again 24/7. these people just don't get it. i do good to take care of myself most of the time.




HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU

Ducky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3199
   Posted 12/25/2006 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   
When those of us around us don't have the same ailments as us, they do not understand.. they think that just 'cause you have a good day, you are "cured" or "better".. they don't understand that we have good days and bad days... and sometimes our bad days can last a long time... Has your hubby accompanied you to any of your doctor's appts? maybe the doc could explain it to him, and he may understand a little better.. Seems to me as if everyone is putting their wants ahead of your needs, and that shouldn't be the case... Stand your ground, I know you feel guilty and bad, but your health is the important thing.... Hang in there sweetie, we are here for you.
Confirmed Diagnosis of - Psoriatic Arthritis/Spondylitis/Graves Disease/GERD/Scoliosis/Hiatal Hernia/Graves Disease of the Eyes/Chronic UTIs
Current Meds -  Enbrel/Prevacid/Synthroid/Nitrofurantoin
Past Meds - Inderal/PTU/Prednisone/Voltaren/Feldene/Mobic/Cortisone and Steroid Shots
Additional Supplements - Multi-Vitamin/Bromelian/Acidophilus/Green Tea
 


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/26/2006 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   
ath,
 
i am taking a slightly contrarian perspective here (who would have ever guessed?)  i agree that one swallow doesn't make a summer - this illness puts us all into it fopr the long haul.  by the same token we must all have needs, wants, dsires, and, most important, dreams.
 
when i was in high school, more yrs ago than you are old, i was playing football (all 137 pounds of me) and broke all the muscles in my left knee.  the dr said i might never walk again.  i told him i would be playing football by the end of the season.  i was in the last game of the season, but never played again.  we compromised.
 
when i was growing up my birth family was very dysfunctional and abusive.  i swore that i would go to college and get a phd.  i put myself through by working 6 jobs at one time.  i ran out of steam after my masters, again a compromise.
 
life is full of these ompromises.  but you must have the want, need, desire, or dream in order to make a compromise.
 
other people won't listen. where have i heard that before?  they don't own you and it's not your responsibility to get them to understand.  it's nice if they do, but it's not a requirement.  as much as ysombpdy loves you or you lov somebody, they can never undersand our illness and what we go through.  it's just not possible.  we are all separae entities.  what you have to do is take the fire out of your attempting to make them understand and for you to be strone enough to do what you know needs to be done.  i know that this is hard, but "god never puts more on us than we can handle."  i know you can accomplish this task.
 
hope this helps.
 
warren

athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/28/2006 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
it's just that it all seems so unfair. i have days that i can't even let my own kids have their friends over because it is just too much for me. it is like = because of me everyone else has to compromise. it's not fair. what did we all do to deserve this illness. i mean no one is perfect but i just want my life back and i can' t seem to find it and NO ONE gets that. just because i get out and shop some ( christmas shopping was like a do or die mission). and my therapist thought that just sounded ridiculous. my mom is like well take your valium and just let your nerves calm down and then we can go do what we need to do. sometimes i don't wnat to go do.... i just want to sit at home and cry because i feel like nothing is normal anymore. however every ones answer is well you can't just sit down and quit you have to keep going and i know that but sometimes i just want one day to sit and cry or be mad or upset or just feel like i could disappear and no one around to say oh you cna't just do that you ahve to keep going. well i just don' t have the energy to go. i don't sleep i stay up for almost 24 hours and then i sleep 8 hours..... i went to bed at 6 am yesterday morning and was up by 11 am. went to be at midnight last night and was up by 5am . and i may not sleep tonight. my life is upside down and no one understands.


i hate all of this but what the heck am i suppose to do????????????

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/28/2006 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
ath,
 
some say life is a giant crap sandwich and every day you have to take a bite.  i don't afgree, but wanted to get your attention.  yeah
 
everyone's life - rergardless od culture - is marked by "rights of passage", or "epiphanies" in which a person's life changers irrovocably forever.  in the usa, graduating from hs is one of these.  marriage is another.  for a woman, and less so for a man, having a baby is one.  for some of us unfortunates, getting a divorce comes to mind as life altering.  for my wife, getting a diagnosis of diabetes and another for cancer were definitely life changing.  in 2001, after a botched epidural steroid injection, i was in so much pain that i was downing a bottle of my opiate pain pills when my wife stopped me (fortunately) and eventually this led to my diagnosis with bp.  this episode changerd my life forever. 
 
your having this illness means that what was "normal" before will never be again.  yiou can neveer go back.
 
don't talk to me about life being "fair!"  the first rule that we taught our grandaughters was "don't panick" and the second rule was "life isn't fair."  let me give you some tough love, grow up."  this is said with all of the liove in the universe and with no intention of adding to your burdons.  i want to help, not hurt.  but if life were "fair" we would have affordable health insurance or national health care and congressmen would vote according to the wishes of their constituants rather than according to who donates the most to his/her campaign.  real politik as henry kissinger called it.
 
i am concerned with your sleeping.  i had the same problem and my pdoc rxed sleeping pills.  i didn't want to add an addiction to my other problems, so asked him if there were an alternative.  he suggested melatonin, 3 mg, an otc food supplement which is the checical in your brain that tells your body to go to sleep. i get it at heb (a grocery store chain here in the south west) or at wal-mart (if you want poor service and helping to make the walton family even richer).  (sorry, i'm also a cynic).  i take it at about 8:00 pm and am ready to go to sleep at about 10:00 pm.  it only helps a little if i am manic or overly excited/stressed.  under usual circumstances, it works extreemly well.  i am asleep within an hour (which is good for me) and wake up around 7 - 9:00 am, depending on how lazy i want to be.
 
one other thing concerns me from your post.  i'm not a dr or a pharmacist, but i do know that valium are very addictive.  just be careful with you use of them.
 
oh, yes, two more things.  first, "other people" do not own you or rule you.  if you want to spend A DAY (note that is singular, not plural) sitting and crying, then do it!  there is something healing in crying.  i don't know this from my ownexperience, but i have heard it on good authority.  second, if you had a debilitating physical illness, such as (god forbid!) ms or cancer, would you have the same feelings about "not being able to do?"  i think not.  i also believe that your family and friends would treat the physical illness with more compassion.  odd, isn't it?
 
sorry for this diatribe.  you asked some tough questions and i wanted to give a complete answer.  hope it helps.
 
warren

athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/28/2006 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
i know that life isn't fair......i 'm not stupid. i guess i just wish it was. well what i really wish is that ppl would show a little more compassion. but it seems that every where i go i get drilled and whatever.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/29/2006 1:55 AM (GMT -7)   
ath,
 
i sincerely appologise if i gave you the impression that some of your beliefs are stupid.  mia culpa mia culpa mia maxima cuilpa.  it's just that you hit a live nerve in this old body.  my 27 yr old grandaughter, for example, will complain about how her ex is treating her and the kids  and blatently cries, "it just isn;t fair!"  grrrrr!  i wamt to shake that child sometimes.  and this girl is very bright ( and that's not said entirely becauise she is mine :-) .
 
i know how insenmsitive people can be - probably only because i've lived and survived longer than you.  friendships are formed for (among other things) mutual benefit and support.  if this equilibrium is broken, friendships ae are redefined.  god knows that my relationsjip wit my wife has changerd over the past 30-odd yrears!  relationships grow or they die.  because we as human beings are always in a change of flux, our relationships must reflect this growth and change.  from your last posting, it sounds like your former support system had died and may not be able to be resussitated.  not to worry.  i bel;ieve that wehen you look for something in life, like a support group, nature (god?) whatever will provide it.  you alone?  i doubt it.  it doesn't seem to bein the cards for you.  frustration and similar emotions are just  a part of daily life.  it can be fun if you approach it from differing pointsd of view.
 
god,you hit a spot with wishing for a better world where everone was compasionate and supportive.  in ther jewish tradition every portion of the mishna ends with the phrase "taku" which means "at the end of days we shall know."  i'm not one for hurrying ther end of days, but i do look forweard to this knowledge being revealed.  for right now, i just don't understand how people can be so crass and uncaring,  but that's reality.  we have no choice but to adapt to it or turn it off.  i usually turn it off. 
 
once, when muy niece was getting married in phoenix we were staying in a very nice (4 red stars) hotel.  i don't walk well and haven't for several years. i was wearing my traveling cloths consisting of shorts and a pull-over t-shirt.  i was also weearing red suspenders.  as i [passed the bar a young man, about three sheets to the wind, shouted at me "do you yodel?"  i ignored the affront and carried on with my business.  the young man was, if anything, persistant and kept at me.  when i had completed my transaction the bar i turned to this "gentleman" and asked "do you fahrt?"  his wife broke up.  i quietly walked out of the bar and to my room.  really, these transactions can become a source of fun and games if you let them.
 
i have beentold that i'm far from stupid and iq tests have rvealed that i test well for what they ae looking for.  but i. too, ache for a world in which we can al realize that we are all connected to all matter, anamae and inanamit.  the difference between a monkey and a human being is less than 5% of the chromozones.  interesdting thast science is now "proving" what mystics and metaphasicians have been saying for hundreds of years.  we are all all one - and i'll go farther - we all all one wit god in all of his names and depictions.
 
carry on, my friiend.  live and grow and learn.  god isn't through with you yet.  that's a sobering thought.
 
hope this helps, at least a little.
 
warren

athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/29/2006 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks warren,

i guess i am just really down right now. i have been up for so long and to be down now just seems like i am loosing the battle. and all everyone around me wants is more , more , more. i dn't think i have any more to give. it's like the baby's mom saying she wanted me to get better so that i could start keeping him 24/7 again. her mom has had 2 nervous break downs. she should know that things don't just change with the drop of a hat when it come to getting better.

oh well just venting.
thanks again warren.


oh yeah and my support system i don't know if i have one or not anymore. i don't know what i have

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:15 PM (GMT -7)   
yuou hava a virtual one, if nothing else. :)

warren

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/30/2006 2:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm here forn you too Ath :-)
Bipolar Moderator
 
DX : Bipolar , Panic Disorder , GAD , OCD.
 
If HealingWell.com has helped you in some small or big way, please donate and enable us to continue helping others find their way to "healing well" at http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 thank you.


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/30/2006 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks to all of you. i realized last night that i have no one around me to help. i crashed really bad last night and i had no one to go to. when i get like that i can't type , my mind is all over the place and i just cry terribly. it was at that moment that there is not a person near me that i can talk to that understands or that can help. i felt so alone. i finally called my cousin she lives like 50 miles away because she knows what i am talking about. that did help but i wish i had some one that i could call and could come over and help talk me thru all of this because like i said my mind goes in so many different directions when i am like that that i can't type because i can't keep up with what is going thru my mind.

oh well i took a xanax earlier but that has not helped at all. if i don't find a psychiatrist sooon i may just let them put me in the hospital because i cna't take much more of this crap. the worse i feel the more everyone wants. i have nothing at all left to give but they all expect it to just be ok and i am to get up dust off on get over well you know what .........screw them all.


oh sorry here i go venting again

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/31/2006 3:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Ath , you're stronger than you think.

It's great that you had someone to call on who understands you (and that you had the courage to call them - in my worst times I never called/talked to anyone cos I thought they would think I was weak , I struggled through alone)

Stand up for yourself , if you can't do something you can say no - nobody owns you , you are your own person who has to make their own life choices no matter what others think.

Use your "screw them all" anger and turn it into the strength you need to get through this.

I wish you well ,

Smiler tongue


Bipolar Moderator
 
DX : Bipolar , Panic Disorder , GAD , OCD.
 
If HealingWell.com has helped you in some small or big way, please donate and enable us to continue helping others find their way to "healing well" at http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 thank you.


ravenswing
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/31/2006 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Smiler gives the best advice :-)
 
I could agree more.
 
And boy have I felt the same way. I agree I think you are stronger that you think. But I really admire you for your truth :-)
 
Di
Diana Hunter
Earth Angel
BPII, Anxiety, and a broken heart

"of all the things I've loved and lost,
I miss my mind the most"
~Ozzie Osbourne


ravenswing
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/31/2006 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
actually re reading all the responses makes me very happy to have found this board. All are terrific responses
Diana Hunter
Earth Angel
BPII, Anxiety, and a broken heart

"of all the things I've loved and lost,
I miss my mind the most"
~Ozzie Osbourne


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 12/31/2006 10:40 PM (GMT -7)   
that is my problem though i can't tell anyone no. if somebody needs something i will bend over backwards to give it to them or help them no matter how bad i feel. i just can't hurt anyone's feelings or for them to feel like it don't care.

therefore, i just give, give,give until i hit rock bottom. i have been down for the last 3 days. i felt like i was doing so well and then friday if just wanted to get in a car and leave. the only thing that stopped me was that i will not drive anymore. i am just so tired of sitting in my house feeling so ALONE.

i really just want to give. forget the psychiatrist, therapist, and just let them put me somewhere so that life can go on without me. it is too overwhelming. we just came from my moms and i was fine over there. now my hubby is in bed and the kids are doing there own thing and it is just me sitting here feeling hopeless and scared( don't know what i am scared of) put it is a cycle that never ends .........up and down......... up and down......sorry guys when i get down i hit bottom hard and this is the only way i know to get thru it
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