Hello everyone. This is my first time posting. Please forgive the long message. But I'm really needing to vent and maybe get some help while I'm at it. Thank you all in advance for all the wonderful posts on this site..
Here it goes...
I am a 29 year old female who has suffered from very extreme emotions since I was a baby. My parents called me very difficult, but what child isn't. However, when I was a teenager and had one of my many angry tantrums, I would punch holes in walls and not feel pain. I have had moments where I can't breath and feel my body shaking uncontrollably. I have been married twice (no children). My first husband couldn't take me. I can't say I blame him. My second husband of almost two years is a very patient and loving man, and I'm able to keep it all in when he's around. But I still have the attacks. I also got rid of my motorcycles because my husband said I was becoming reckless. But I loved the high I would get from it. I get bored extremely fast. My attention span is about 2 hours or so. I have been fired from jobs and now run my own business (take many breaks). I've been told that I'm very intelligent and quick. I also seem to be really good at understanding and reading people. However, I stopped getting A's in the 5th grade and flunked out in 7th. My mom took me out of school because I got in fights and tended to get sick all the time. I was told by a doctor that I'm allergic to tomatoes and when I eat them, I get migraines, my hands swell up and my back hurts. I also get extremely tired and confused. So the doctor thought that staying off tomatoes would solve the problem, however, I still have days where I'm feeling so happy like everything is perfect and then the next day, I feel like I hate my life, I'm bored, nothing seems to be worth anything. I have had one suicide attempt and had several days in the hospital. They made me see a psychologist and he felt I had issues with depression and anxiety. He gave me Zanax. Zanax relaxed me but did not take the emotions away. I have kept logs of food and menstrual cycles to see if that could be it. But I have no real patterns. I can go up to 3 months feeling well. Then I crash and I have to force myself to do everything for months. Let's not talk about the crazy things I do to get a high. I'm also struggling with alcohol consumption. I have gotten down to 1-2 drinks a day and can't seem to not drink. It helps to relax and numb me. I love my husband and my family and can't think that I would try and hurt myself again for their sake. But it seems to be getting worse. I can't seem to turn off the channels in my head. It’s affecting my work. It's like a tv in my head with a trigger happy remote. That's the only way I can explain. I’m only able to work 3-4 hours a day. Also, being with people makes me so tense, but the way I react is being funny and very hyper. I feel the most safe and secure at home alone or at home with my husband. I'm getting more and more anti social. This weekend I have a large convention to attend and have been dreading it for weeks. I've only been sleeping 3-4 hours due to the anxiety. I'm extremely humiliated by the way I am and can not imagine anyone but my husband and mother knowing how my emotions are. The only one that truly understands is my father. He was forced into retirement due to neurological disorders that affect his concentration and his nerves (he shakes all the time - no he doesn't have Parkinson’s). Mental disorders run in both my families. Some of my cousins are drug attacks and alcoholic and my dad's aunt committed suicide in her 30's. I feel something inside of me telling me to seek help. But I can't take going through what I went through in my early teens. I was probed, poked, and inspected for a year because no one knew what was making me sick, angry and depressed. Then they told my mom "make her go to school, she has nothing wrong with her, she' making it up". They even injected me on my thigh with water telling me it was medication that would help my back pain. Needless to say, it didn't help. And I can't even explain what I felt a month later when they told me it was fake and that my mother approved the treatment. I forgot to mention that I was sexually abused by my older cousins from the age of 7 to 10. But I had my emotional problems even before that. I can become extremely sexual sometimes and then completely dead. I have a hard time having sex with my husband due to the sick feelings I still deal with. So I drink prior to sex. That only adds to my problems. I also feel very attracted to other men that I barely know and seem to feel less and less physically attracted to my partner the longer I'm with them. I had this problem with my first husband. Of course, I will NEVER tell my husband that. But I'm a religious person and I don't put myself in situations where I might be unfaithful. It's been getting worse. During sex I feel ashamed, dirty and extremely repulsed by my husband. The only time I can go all the way is when I drink. Otherwise, when it's over, I can't stop myself from crying (alone of course). Can someone help? I don't have any health insurance and can't afford to just go around spending money on doctors that can't help. Please help!
Thank you all in advance.
Post Edited By Moderator (Ducky) : 1/13/2007 5:58:56 PM (GMT-7)