Need to know someone understands...feeling very alone

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/12/2007 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting. Please forgive the long message. But I'm really needing to vent and maybe get some help while I'm at it. Thank you all in advance for all the wonderful posts on this site..

Here it goes...

I am a 29 year old female who has suffered from very extreme emotions since I was a baby. My parents called me very difficult, but what child isn't. However, when I was a teenager and had one of my many angry tantrums, I would punch holes in walls and not feel pain. I have had moments where I can't breath and feel my body shaking uncontrollably. I have been married twice (no children). My first husband couldn't take me. I can't say I blame him. My second husband of almost two years is a very patient and loving man, and I'm able to keep it all in when he's around. But I still have the attacks. I also got rid of my motorcycles because my husband said I was becoming reckless. But I loved the high I would get from it. I get bored extremely fast. My attention span is about 2 hours or so. I have been fired from jobs and now run my own business (take many breaks). I've been told that I'm very intelligent and quick. I also seem to be really good at understanding and reading people. However, I stopped getting A's in the 5th grade and flunked out in 7th. My mom took me out of school because I got in fights and tended to get sick all the time. I was told by a doctor that I'm allergic to tomatoes and when I eat them, I get migraines, my hands swell up and my back hurts. I also get extremely tired and confused. So the doctor thought that staying off tomatoes would solve the problem, however, I still have days where I'm feeling so happy like everything is perfect and then the next day, I feel like I hate my life, I'm bored, nothing seems to be worth anything. I have had one suicide attempt and had several days in the hospital. They made me see a psychologist and he felt I had issues with depression and anxiety. He gave me Zanax. Zanax relaxed me but did not take the emotions away. I have kept logs of food and menstrual cycles to see if that could be it. But I have no real patterns. I can go up to 3 months feeling well. Then I crash and I have to force myself to do everything for months. Let's not talk about the crazy things I do to get a high. I'm also struggling with alcohol consumption. I have gotten down to 1-2 drinks a day and can't seem to not drink. It helps to relax and numb me. I love my husband and my family and can't think that I would try and hurt myself again for their sake. But it seems to be getting worse. I can't seem to turn off the channels in my head. It’s affecting my work.  It's like a tv in my head with a trigger happy remote. That's the only way I can explain. I’m only able to work 3-4 hours a day. Also, being with people makes me so tense, but the way I react is being funny and very hyper. I feel the most safe and secure at home alone or at home with my husband. I'm getting more and more anti social. This weekend I have a large convention to attend and have been dreading it for weeks. I've only been sleeping 3-4 hours due to the anxiety. I'm extremely humiliated by the way I am and can not imagine anyone but my husband and mother knowing how my emotions are. The only one that truly understands is my father. He was forced into retirement due to neurological disorders that affect his concentration and his nerves (he shakes all the time - no he doesn't have Parkinson’s). Mental disorders run in both my families. Some of my cousins are drug attacks and alcoholic and my dad's aunt committed suicide in her 30's. I feel something inside of me telling me to seek help. But I can't take going through what I went through in my early teens. I was probed, poked, and inspected for a year because no one knew what was making me sick, angry and depressed. Then they told my mom "make her go to school, she has nothing wrong with her, she' making it up". They even injected me on my thigh with water telling me it was medication that would help my back pain. Needless to say, it didn't help. And I can't even explain what I felt a month later when they told me it was fake and that my mother approved the treatment. I forgot to mention that I was sexually abused by my older cousins from the age of 7 to 10. But I had my emotional problems even before that. I can become extremely sexual sometimes and then completely dead. I have a hard time having sex with my husband due to the sick feelings I still deal with. So I drink prior to sex. That only adds to my problems. I also feel very attracted to other men that I barely know and seem to feel less and less physically attracted to my partner the longer I'm with them. I had this problem with my first husband. Of course, I will NEVER tell my husband that. But I'm a religious person and I don't put myself in situations where I might be unfaithful. It's been getting worse. During sex I feel ashamed, dirty and extremely repulsed by my husband. The only time I can go all the way is when I drink. Otherwise, when it's over, I can't stop myself from crying (alone of course).  Can someone help? I don't have any health insurance and can't afford to just go around spending money on doctors that can't help. Please help!

Thank you all in advance.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 1/12/2007 7:28 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you are having a very hard time right now. I understand the highs and lows, but mine aren't quite that drastic. I am bipolar. I don't know if you are or not but the extreme highs and extreme lows would lead me to guess that you might be. You need to get a doctor to diagnose you though. They can help with meds and behavior modification. It also sounds like you need some counseling. I know you have no health insurance and health care is very expensive. But if you can get some help, it will be well worth it.

Take Care,
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
  DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, bi-polar, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, sleep apnea
  RX: synthroid, estradiol, cymbalta, prozac, geodon, lamictal, inderal la, klonopin, seroquel, imiprimine, aspirin, (relpax, maxalt, phenergan, esgic plus, xanax, PRN for migraine)
  Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 1/12/2007 7:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Your symptoms seem very overwhelming Updowngirl. Bipolar illness fits some of your symptoms very well, though I also think you have more than just bipolar disorder or depression/anxiety. You should probably get into a doctor--he or she will help you in many ways when it comes to medications and helping you feel better from the inside out. Also, you are a PERFECT candidate for psychotherapy. If you haven't heard of it, psychotherapy is basically talk therapy. Good psychotherapists are a lifesaver, whereas not-so-good ones are ... well, not-so-good lol. Look into it! They run from 70-130 dollars an hour. It can be expensive, but it really is amazing.

Another thing that may help - exercise, eating right (good portions and healthy food--no preservatives and ingredients you can't pronounce!) and vitamins like probiotics, amino acids and omega 3 (fish oil).

Also, one thing that helps me with my mood and anxiety problems is shopping. Not LOTS of shopping, but going by myself, taking maybe 20 dollars and getting used to being alone in amounts of people. After a while, you learn to love being out in the open and you also get a prize in the end -- new clothes =)

Hope this helps!!!


New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/12/2007 7:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Chelle for your response. I'm just afraid that meds will make it worse. I've read of so many people that get worse before they get better. I don't know how much I could take if this was worse.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/12/2007 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Allie. I've been exercising and trying to eat right. It's a little hard on the days I'm down (very easy on the high days - get in very intense workouts). But I am trying. I've never heard of probiotics? What does that do? I will try amino acids and omega 3 and see what happens.
The shopping idea is great. On the days that I have to be alone I used to do exactly that. However, it's becoming more and more difficult to go out in the open. I end up lasting about 1/2 hour and heading right back home.
How does one go about finding a good psychotherapist? Are there sites that recommend doctors? I'm in the central Florida area.

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 1/13/2007 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
you can try your state licensing board, if you have one. You can go to and you'll find lists of them by state. You can always go through the yellow pages too.
The Lady Dragonfly
Yes, it was me...I know because I was there when I did it. Lupus sufferer, bipolar II sufferer. Currently on Indocin for chronic pericarditis related to lupus, and cherishing every deep breath without pain. Currently in graduate school for mental health counseling, class of Fall 2007. Vegan and loving it!

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/13/2007 6:40 PM (GMT -6)   
my brother is very much the same and weird when i read you message because the only person i constantly thought about was my brother it was almost identical to his life..he struggled as well and also results to drugs and alcohol.. he also had a passion for moto x and sufffered from severe migranes since he was three. He has came close to suicidal attempts as well.. He is now 18 and im 15 and i dont know what to do wiht scared he is doing reallly bad drugs and i dont know how to stop him. it scares me i dont know what to do to make him stop..hes really weak and my mom is the same i haveto take care of them both mom is so destroyed by my brother she is losing her house and i have to carrry both of them on my back while still maintaing a 3.85 GPA and im gogin to graduate high school early.. Besides all that i was wondering if you can help me and tell me how you got through those years of your life and how i can get my brother through as well..he is very stubborn and hard headed and narcasistic(or however you spell it)..
please help

Post Edited By Moderator (Ducky) : 1/13/2007 5:58:56 PM (GMT-7)

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