major anger issue (someone help)

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manic depressive
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 2/15/2007 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I get sooo ANGRY over not gaining muscle or worse (losing muscle), and that my family and freinds dont understand this need makes me even angrier.
 
I have got to be OCD because i need the kitchen perfectly organized and each meal in containers ready to go for the day. My weight trainings intensity is blood sweat and tears *the more pain the better*. I guess im just needing to vent and rant in anger about no one understanding how important this is to me.
 
This just gets me so upset i just want to start punching threw the f'ing sheetrock walls. Im so upset right now i can barely think, i just want my body to feel normal to me which is why i weight train.
 
If anyone can give me some sort of comfort; anything.. god i just dont know what to do im sooo angry.


DX: Bipolar type NOS
 
Current Medication: 150mg Lamictal as of 2/15/07
 
Statistics:
Age 18
Height 5'5
Weight 160 *10 % bodyfat*
 
Interest: Bodybuilding, Psychiatry, Understanding Medicine, History, Computer Programming.
 
Going to become M.D / Entrepreneur


CheekyMonkey
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/15/2007 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Totally understand. It's part of the manic phase. Or at least, that's what my doctor tells me. I tend to swing more manic than anything and I get obsessive about several things. The biggest is exercising. My doctor has told me time and time again that if I feel I have to exercise for two hours, make it an hour. Always cut back. But it's so hard! Everything I do, I do to excess. And then of course, friends and family think I'm crazy and I get angry because if I could control the behavior, I would! So yeah, I can totally empathisize with you.

LadyDragonfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 2/16/2007 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Whoever is treating you is missing a big piece of the puzzle. People who obsess about their weight, muscle mass, over food, anything relating to food, exercise a great deal and have problems with body image don't have typical OCD, nor is bipolar the appropriate dx over these issues. This is a body distortion disorder and frequently these get lumped in as eating disorders.

You posted a couple of weeks back and I didn't have time to respond to you then. I know YOU obsess about your body but the truth is, so do other people to one extent or another and anyone who is looking at you and picking you apart has some major issues of their own. What I mean is, most of us are too preoccupied with what we see as our own body issues to notice those of others. At some point, most emotionally healthy people move towards some type of acceptance of our imperfections.

Being extremely angry about your body, food, kitchen, exercise issues can come with dysmorphic disorders. Of course, it CAN be bipolar as well.

Warren will say I am a broken record, but you really need a therapist to help you sort this out. Therapy is the harder way to go over pills. Pills can fix things pretty quickly, but therapy takes time. Having said that, successful therapy results in pretty well permanent changes where pills are temporary...you stop taking them and everything comes right back. Some problems like bipolar require medication and therapy is helpful in developing coping skills for the bipolar symptoms a medication doesn't quite cover. It is knowing what is what and what is best treated how.

If you do have a body image distortion problem, you need to understand that these issues are manifested out of a need to control one's life. Before you think I am preaching, you should know I suffer from one these myself (bulemia, anorexia and binge eating). Despite years of therapy, I still see myself as a woman who is 5 feet 4 inches and 250 lbs. I am not, I am 5 feet 9 inches and about 165, which I carry so well I am guessed at weighing 135 to 140. I KNOW what my build is and I KNOW when I look at myself I see the huge person so I am always surprised when I am told I look so pretty and slim. Not only that, but this terrible feeling of wanting to hurt myself through starvation rises up in my gut until I can deal with it through positive self-talk. If my work life or home life seems chaotic to me, the first thing I do is go on another low calorie diet because I want control over something.

The roots for these things are often in childhood. They can come from a well meaning parent or other adult telling us something about ourselves that feeds into an insecurity we already have. They can come from a peer who makes an off hand remark that we take a little too seriously. Anything that feeds directly into something we already feel about ourselves and hurts our feelings will do the trick. In my house growing up, the only compliment I ever got was on my appetite and how I would eat anything put in front of me and not argue about it. I have a fair number of abilities and am quite creative, but these things were never given any praise. I know now that I am worth, as a person, so much more than my ability to overeat!

I have said this before for those looking for a label for their problems. Labels only work for clothing. Hopefully, clothing labels instruct us on how to care for the garment, prolong its life and beauty. If labeling of humans accomplished the same ends it would be a worthwhile effort. Unfortunately, such is not the case. Labeling humans somehow allows so-called experts to ignore our problems instead of being helpful and improving our lives (this is why I am studying to be a therapist).

Just my thoughts on this.
The Lady Dragonfly
Yes, it was me...I know because I was there when I did it. Lupus sufferer, bipolar II sufferer. Currently on Indocin for chronic pericarditis related to lupus, and cherishing every deep breath without pain. Currently in graduate school for mental health counseling, class of Fall 2007. Vegan and loving it!


manic depressive
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 2/16/2007 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
First off thanks to both of you for your responces.
 
I think what both of you said has truth to it. I have only recently found out i was bipolar; since i was released from a psych ward after a sucaide attempt. I think im finally getting my meds down, so I will have more time to talk to my psychiatrst about life issues instead of medication. I dont think i have body dismorphic disorder, because i know i want to achieve more then just averge. I thought people with b.d.d strive very hard to just be normal?
 
Here is a picture, i cut my face off because it was for a bodybuilding forum that has some shall i say crazy members.
 
Ill have normal pictures for this forum in the future, but for now here is one of my body. Im around averge, but i want to be above averge.
 
 
 
DX: Bipolar type NOS
 
Current Medication: 150mg Lamictal as of 2/15/07
 
Statistics:
Age 18
Height 5'5
Weight 160 *10 % bodyfat*
 
Interest: Bodybuilding, Psychiatry, Understanding Medicine, History, Computer Programming.
 
Going to become M.D / Entrepreneur


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/16/2007 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   
manic,
 
first, anger. as i understand it, anger is a fairly comon symptom of bp. i was born angry.  nobody would ever believe it now (my wife often threatens to knock me down by blowing on me) but when i was much younger i would fight over almost anything.  now i take out my anger with a barbed tongue and a wicked wit.  tongue    much safer for eveybody.
 
second, what lady said should be inculcated into the consciousness of every person on the face of the earth.  regardless of illness, the essence of her post is one of the most beautiful things i have ever read.  we should all pay attention to it.  and yes, lady, you are a broken record.  smurf    but the song is nice and the lyrics are ok. 
 
hope this helps,
 
warren
 
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
Some day you'll learn that a good bm is better than sex.
 
Insanity is defined as doing the same actions over and over again and expecting a different outcome.


shine_on_u_crazy_dimond
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 2/17/2007 4:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey,anger is never so much a problem with my bipolar,it's usually extreme euphoria or simply depression,so i'm not going to be good with advice. But just when you said 'i thought people with BDD just strive to be normal'...

I suffer from BDD,but it's not striving to be normal,it's striving for perfection. You said in your last post that 'my underdeveloped muscles' but your muscles in that picture are huge mate, that's deffinetly a delusional statement. I cant speak for everyone with the illness cause it effects people in different ways. It's about being disatisfied with an aspect of your appearance till it hinders your life and becomes an obsession. For me,i used to work out excessively,like you do,but i wouldn't see my muscles getting any bigger they looked the same size,even though everyone else commented on them getting bigger. For me the symptoms are very much different now, but i'm not posting to talk about myself. Basically if you obsess over your muscles or a perceived flaw in your general appearance, it could be bdd,which is closely related to ocd.

Post Edited (shine_on_u_crazy_dimond) : 2/17/2007 4:42:46 AM (GMT-7)


mirage
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/21/2007 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello, (this is long winded, but it's to offer heartfelt support)

I am new to this board, but wanted to chime in with some more support.  I was diagnosed with bipolar two years ago, at the age of 23, however I and my doctors feel that I may have had the disorder since childhood.  I was also quite severely anorexic from the age of thirteen until seventeen, and dropped down to 85 pounds.  It took a team of health professionals to achieve as much freedom from my eating disorder as possible.  I gained 40 pounds (something I NEVER thought I would do), and am much healthier physically.  However, those feelings of rage are still there, along with the negative self talk.  The body dysmorphia I suffered, and still suffer from time to time no longer controls my life and I have tried to overcome it. I studied nutrition in college, and though a healthy weight and consuming a healthy diet, continued to exercise obsessively, both with draining, 90 minute running, and with boughts of weight training, (as you said initially, the MORE painful, the better- not surprisingly, I'm still doing it and now have back and knee problems).  I have managed to tone down the exercise a LITTLE bit, and have achieved a very healthy eating pattern as a nutritionist (hard to do when you're sensitive, have a history of an eating disorder, current bipolar, and talk about food to clients all day) but still use exercise to punish myself when I get angry, and ironically, instead of calming me down, it makes me even angrier sometimes.  Unfortunately, my doctors don't tend to encourage me to tone it down, and instead are like, "Oh, how good for your heart!"  But it just strikes me, the similarity between all types of  restrictive eating disorders, as well as body dysmorphic disorders (some of my other friends have had different ones) in that burning need to obtain perfection.  I'm certainly not implying that you have an eating disorder but I know the urge driving exercise tends to coincide with eating.  At the crux of my suffering from bipolar cycling, when I finally sought treatment, there had been an interesting shift in my attitudes toward eating and exercising in that I TOO felt that if I did not have a certain muscle mass the world was falling apart.  MY workouts began chewing larger and larger chunks of time out of my life.  Finally, I have been able to beat back the urge a little, but I just wanted you to know I feel very much for you.  I know what it's like to have others in your life completely insensitive to your insatiable drive to obtain physical perfection.  But you know what?  Physical perfection does not exist!  I have been at many weights, and I can honestly say, had many different shaped physiques in the past fifteen years (I know that sounds really weird, but eating disorders do strange things), and I can tell you, that no matter WHAT I looked like, or look like, any feelings of, "YES!! I FINALLY look great!" have always been short-lived.  No matter how good I look, I'll never believe it.  Having bipolar, and dissatisfaction with your body are terrible burdens to bear, and I know how many times they both slam down on you at once, together, magnifying each other's strength.  It's interesting that you have rage and have associated it with that immediately- I too have rage associated with that very thing, but it took me far too long to connect the exercising/obsessive body thoughts with the rage itself.  For me, the exercising never makes it better.  I am trying to find a happy medium.  It is actually working, and just wanted to let you know, you are not alone, I feel for you knowing how hard it is to go through something like that, and have faith that you CAN be happy one day and find a medium for yourself.  It's been a lifetime of struggling with depression, and 12 years struggling with the body/eating issues, and despite not achieving perfection, a lot of progress has been made.  I am SO sorry for that very long-winded post, from someone you don't even know, but I wanted to reach out and sincerely wish you the best.

Nice to meet you!


roxyluvr
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/13/2007 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I see no one has written on this thread in awhile, but hopefully you can still lend out advice.
 
I wrote earlier today about my (ex) boyfriend who I am convinced is misdiagnosed bipolar.  However, this body perception thing hits home, too.  He began working out a little over a year ago and is obsessed with getting "huge".  He has even contemplated steriods, which I have luckily talked him out of...even though he was on a supplement for awhile that did end up having a designer steroid in it.
 
Do these type of people also have an obsession with others?  Since we started dating, I lost 15 lbs. (i'm now around 130 5'8") and started going to the gym regularly.  However, he would get on me (when he was having a mood swing) and say how I wasn't working hard enough, haven't built enough muscle, and my gym work out is all wrong.  Even though people complement me on how great I look all the time, there would be times he would threaten to leave me and call himself a "shallow ba$tard".  Other times, when he was stable, he would say how proud he was of how well I was doing.
 
Does this sound normal?  I'm just trying to get a feel for what i've been dealing with for nearly a year.  Thanks for any help you can give.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/13/2007 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Roxy,

It seems like you're really struggling to try and figure out what kind of thinking was motivating your ex's wild mood swings. I don't know him and I can't say, but if he won't go and really talk about it with a doc, it's kind of beside the point. The real question (to me) is, what are you willing to do. You're the one here in the forum, looking for answers and support. You're the one reaching out. Whether or not he's bipolar, you need to decide what you're willing to stand for. And incidentally -- you may already know, but steroid use can also be attributed to bipolar like mood swings. This is from the National Institute on Drug Abuse. http://www.nida.nih.gov/Infofacts/Steroids.html

"Scientific research also shows that aggression and other psychiatric side effects may result from abuse of anabolic steroids. Many users report feeling good about themselves while on anabolic steroids, but researchers report that extreme mood swings also can occur, including manic-like symptoms leading to violence. Depression often is seen when the drugs are stopped and may contribute to dependence on anabolic steroids. Researchers report also that users may suffer from paranoid jealousy, extreme irritability, delusions, and impaired judgment stemming from feelings of invincibility."
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