a family question

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athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 2/18/2007 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
       ok i am very disppointed in my husband right now. i was diagnosed with bipolar about a month ago. since then i have studied and researched for hours and hours. i have already had to make a change in my meds ( geodon was causing blurred vision so bad that i could not see to read anything) so now it is abilify.
 
now, coming off the geodon was terrible.  i started slipping back into my depressed stage. i began thinking about something to stop the pain ( i ahve never done this before) i even gave my husband all of my other meds because i wanted to just end the pain and i didn't trust myself.
 
so any way my problem is this............... i ask my hubby about researching and learning as much as he could about this illness and his said    " oh i am learnign as we go"  i think he needs to know what can happen. he will not accept the fact that there are days that i just want to be put in the hospital ........... he says oh no you will het past it. 
 
why won't he look this up and educate himself.  he already will not give my meds back because now he doesn't trust me so i have to go to him for all my meds.
 
any info will be so very helpful and appreciated
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (smiler) : 2/19/2007 2:28:02 AM (GMT-7)


wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/18/2007 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
ath,
 
it sounds like you have a power struggle going on with your husband.  by not leaarning about bp he can be powerful in his ignorance.  by controlling your meds he is controlling you.
 
this is not necessarily a bad thing.  in 2001 i attempted suicide.  my wife stopped me and go me to a pdoc through my pcp.  at that time i was totally out of control.  i gave my wife the finances, which are the ultimate power, as well as control of my meds.  this worked well until i got better.  i now have control of my meds.  my wife  is a cancer surviver with colorectal cancer.  they have now discovered a lump in her breast.  i have no choice.  i must rise to the occation and take care of her as well as the rest of our famiky matters.  right now we are sharing the finances.  we'll just have to see what happens.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
Some day you'll learn that a good bm is better than sex.
 
Insanity is defined as doing the same actions over and over again and expecting a different outcome.


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 2/18/2007 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
he only has my meds because i felt like i could have done some serious damage at the time but now i am more back to normal and he is scared now so he doesn't much trust me right now. i can't blame him but i just wish he would take the time to read and learn about this disorder instead of figuring it out as we go. i mean he needs to know what to expect or what could happen. instead he just deals with it as it comes and when i say i feel like i need to be in the hospital he is just like ohhh nooo you will be fine. he just doesn't understand and he is not trying to

Ducky
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Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3199
   Posted 2/18/2007 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
when is your next appt with the pdoc? He needs to go with you on this appt and needs to hear all this from the doc himself.. this may open his eyes a bit... It is hard for loved ones to see us this way, and even harder for them to deal with it sometimes.. so by not doing the research and not learning, he is basically not acknowledging what is going on.. it's nothing intentional against you... just sometimes, ignorance is bliss.. see if your pdoc can get him to come to an appt.. or even set an appt up for him with the doc, without you... just so the doc can lay out exactly what you go through, and what he needs to do to help you.. hang in there.. keep us posted..
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athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 2/18/2007 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
i don't go back to the doc for another month unless my new meds start givingme problems.......... i just know that he is relly aggrevating me by now wanting to know what is going on

smiler
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 2/19/2007 2:54 AM (GMT -7)   

When I first found out , my partner wouldn't talk about it , he just buried his head in the sand. It was overwhelming for him , he didn't understand and had never come across anyone with an illness like this.

At first I was angry with him for trying to make out that everything was OK , but then I realised he was just **** scared and didn't know what to do or how to cope. He needed time to get his head around what was going on , and I just give him little bits of info when I think I need to. I think if you give them too much to begin with they are going to go into overload and run in the opposite direction.

I am a bit concerned about him controlling your meds when he doesn't understand your condition.....I think you need the control back. And , if you ever feel like you need to go to the hospital , go - you know yourself better than anyone else.

I'm deleting the other thread now that you've got some responses here , also if your thread ever "slips" off the board with no answers you can "bump" it if you like.

I wish you all the best hun ,

Smiler tongue


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wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/19/2007 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
ath,
 
i agree with the other posters that your husband is probably sitting next to that river in egypt.  i also think that you sound like you're coming from fear - fear that something will happen and he won't be there or he won't have the information necessary to help.  does this sound like it's possible?
 
if you are coming from fear, talk to your pdoc about it or better yet find yourself a therapist.  i have read several reports that say that bp responds best with both medication and counceling.
 
in terms of you drugs, they may well have to be "earned" back.  i don't know how it's done and i don't know how i did it.  i just got more like me and less what my wife calls "crazy" and what my pdoc would call "a more even aspect."  in other words, my lithium was working.  i don't know how i  did it and i don't know how it's done.  sorry i can't help you here.  i do know that i stopped raving and demanding from mania and i stopped attacking people from depression.  but this just happened - i didn't consciously do anything to make it happen.  i do know that as i got better (more like myself) i felt better and more poweful and i was able to recapture the power i had relinquished to my wife.
 
hope this helps.  hang in there and keep in touch.  we're all just trying to help.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
Some day you'll learn that a good bm is better than sex.
 
Insanity is defined as doing the same actions over and over again and expecting a different outcome.


athmlldy411
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 91
   Posted 2/20/2007 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
i reallydon't thnk it is fear..... i just want him to be informed about my condition. i mean it that rlly to muc to ask? i guess it is more that i would feel like he cares if he would take the time to study and know what it is about. oh i know if he don't go thru it himself then he will never fully understand it but at least he will have some kind of idea anyway.

i guess i am just venting right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

athmlldy
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 3/4/2007 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
i finally discussed this with hubby and he has agreed to do some research of his own. of course that was a week ago and he has done none yet but i am trusting that he will soon.!!!!!
 COPING IS LIKE HOPING.......... YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT GET
 
   DX: OCD PANIC/ANXIETY DISORDER AGORAPHOBIA  AND BIPOLAR


hammilton
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 152
   Posted 3/5/2007 2:22 PM (GMT -7)   
What meds are you on? If they're just daily meds, what's the problem with him having them and giving them to you? If you take some PRN like valium or painkillers then you definitely need to be able to get them, but those are also the top choices for suicide (even though benzos have an incredible safety margin on their own), so personally, I'd think you should probably only have 4 doses on hand of that sort of stuff at any single time.

I have to take lots of meds daily, but recently I had to give them to my fiance so I wouldn't take more than I was allowed. That's still a struggle I'm facing and probably always will. I have to take 11 to 13 pills per day minimum, and they're all doled out to me at their appointed times and well hidden by my fiance in rotating locations throughout her "bedroom" in our appartment (it's more of an extra storage room since to keep her parents happy, we pay for two rooms).

I guess if he isn't withholding meds, it's a great setup, but if he ever withheld your daily's (not simply restricting prn's), you'd really have to re-evaluate things.

I find it hard for me to find any fault in the guy for not wanting to go out and do a ton of research. I went through the same thing with my fiance, and now, I realize it was kind of selfish of me to bug her about not researching. I mean, it's not her condition, and for me to force some new responsibility on her all of a sudden- according to my timetable- was wrong.

I did the whole bring-her-in-for-a-meeting-with-a-doc thing, and it didn't solve anything. I don't think she's did any internet research on bipolar disorder in her life- but that doesn't mean she doesn't know what to do. Frankly, for a partner to be supportive and know what to do when, it doesn't take a whole lot of reading. It takes experience- and that takes time. You need to relax your demands and just accept what he's willing to do as he's willing to do it.

Today, my fiance is super good about knowing when I'm about to become depressed or when I'm becoming manic. She's learned all of the warning signs through experience not a book.

Experience is the best way to learn these things- but unfortunately it's not the fastest and situations may, and probably will, arise where he really ought to have known something but didn't. You can help him learn these things.

Him not wanting to research it on his own is no reason for you to stop communicating about it. Or about anything. You need to let him know what you're learning that will be most relevant for him in his new job of "night watchman" (ie- your first alert and warning signal). He's able to let you know when things are going wrong if you're just able to let him know what to look for. As time goes on and you have some mood swings, maybe even a full-blown episode, he'll learn a lot and be able to tell you things you won't even notice, but for now, just keep talking to him and let him know what you know that will be most relevant for him to be a better prepared radar.

Continuing to communicate is important no matter what. If you can't talk about this, your marriage is definitely going to suffer.

Boo
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Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 724
   Posted 3/6/2007 12:58 AM (GMT -7)   
HAD to reply to this one.  When hubby was dx'd 8 years ago I had to find every bit of info I could.  I read books, spent hours on the net, talked to his doc, you name it.  We had so much wreckage by the time he was diagnosed... finances were in a shamble, lost our home, IRS knows me intimately, affairs, everything that can happen, happened.  We went to counseling together and have make it thus far.  There have been times when he went off his meds (for what reason, I don't know) but I could see the changes and made a lot of noise.  We're doing ok.  He, in turn did a lot of research on my arthtritic problems.  We seem to be more in tune with other these days.  We made a list of his friends for me to call if ever he became hard to handle and I needed help getting him to a hospital.  We talk a lot.  It's a rude awakening in a marriage to find that one partner has a disease that is never going to go away.  To be very honest, I had times of thinking that I'd just walk away, given the problems that came to light.  I said to myself, "Hey, this is marriage!  Either do it or don't".  We own a business together and sometimes when I could see he was struggling or getting agitated I would go to the back and pull my shirt and bra up and flash him.  He would become so immobilized that he'd forget his frustration and we'd laugh.  devil I'm not recommending this but it works for us.  I MUST find some humor in all this to keep going.  Your hubby will come around.  Just give him some time but take care of your needs first.  One thing he did was really include me and ask for my help, like we were a team all of a sudden after years of his sneaking and hiding. 
You're in my thoughts and prayers.  Boo

athmlldy
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 3/6/2007 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
it isn't that he doesn't ask if he can do anything to help ..........he over asks almost. i don't know what tot tell him to do to help. we talk some but it is like when i start talking at times he just goes into his own little world. maybe that is why i want him to research.

right now i just want one normal day. i am about ready to crack and i am trying my best tot hold it together andnot just totally loose it again.

have any of u ever been hopitalized or you spouses? i haven't but there are times i feel like i should be and he just don't get that
 COPING IS LIKE HOPING.......... YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT GET
 
   DX: OCD PANIC/ANXIETY DISORDER AGORAPHOBIA  AND BIPOLAR


lost_lonely
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/6/2007 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband wants nothing to do with appointments, recovery, therapy, education, not a thing.  He feels embarrased that his wife is "broken" as he calls it.  He used to call me his "trophy" wife as I held a great job, working on my college degree and attended every charity event that was out there. He does not care about what happens to me as long as it does not effect his life.  All I can say is try to work through it and give it everything you have to get better.

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 3/6/2007 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   

One of the answers a lot of people come up with when asked - what can I do to help , is just to listen. Maybe he goes into his world to process what he's heard , to make sense of it - it's hard for him to understand what it must be like for you , but I think he is trying otherwise he wouldn't be overcompensating to help. Do you think he feels that you shouldn't go into hospital because he might lose you , or that he should have been able to help you rather than asking for help (think men , and asking for directions) , or the realisation that things are that bad. Sorry , I'm rambling , I just wish you all the best - he sounds like a nice guy at heart , I hope you get through this soon.

Smiler tongue


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