My wife has this alter ego as well, and has cheated over the course of years. Sometimes late at night when I come home from work, the stereo is blasting and shes dancin like a Vagas stripper. It used to drive me nuts, but now I realize that I must deal with that alter ego in different ways to keep things sane with me. You will find your answers, but it will take time. Everybody, can cheat on their loved ones, bi polar or not, for its a part of being human. If you drink, that can open the altered ego and can do much damage- like infidelity, so think about what caused you to lose control in the first place. If you want to save your marriage, you will take careful precaucions not to repeat the same mistakes. Simple lessons can teach new behavior even the bipolar. If your husband hasnt decided to do the same to you as pay back, the marriage will survive. Everyday is walking a fine line with a bi polar wife, some choose to deal with the high stakes, some dont.
Yes to all your questions. She has taking many different drugs thoughout the years. Seroguel and lithobid, with a thyrod med on the side have been the best treatments so far. I'm sorry to say, even with meds, the chances of mania can happen again. Physical abuse, suicide attempts and many confussing events can and will happen. The thing I learned Destiny, is that if you have had any issues in the past as a child or teen, they will come through in adulthood, and it may seem like manic behavior, but it could be something that needs to be resolved. All people must face there demons, and some never do, but maybe your were hiding some frustations during the time of marriage which caused you to do the deeds. THIS DOESNT MEAN YOUR SICK! Many so called normal people have affairs, and your manic behavior was trying to tell you something.( Men cheat too, but they blame it on hormones, not illness ) Were you drinking alcohol during the times of the trysts? My wife only acts out during drinking, all of her bottled up feelings come out, which is good in some cases for she never talks deep sober.
Take a look at your life, put the meds and illness aside to think clear for a moment, find out who you really are inside. Dont place the blame on your illness, find who you are. All of your support groups and docs are not going to answer that question for you. You cant rely on science (meds) to keep you from affairs, it starts from the heart.
Tell me what happened, what caused you to venture off? What were you feeling at the time?
i am new to the BP life, my wife was diagnosed on 1 march. a day after i found out she was cheating on me. we are still together but it has been rough. she is on meds but still gets manic and was with him again 4 days ago. i have been reading the other posts and see i am not alone with this even tho that is how i have been feeling. i would really like some advice about how to handle being married to someone with BP. i have read books and gone to counseling but am not doing so good. any advice would be greatly appreciated.
confused and hurt
Hello, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and the unknown you are facing. The years I spent picking apart BP, marriage, meds, and myself has giving me many different view points and have drawn some conclusions. I'm assuming your situation is different then mine, but here are logical steps to figure this problem out as a whole. I'm also assuming that you are not the cause of the infidelity. If you think there is any reason you could have caused the problem, i.e, not caring, listening, couch potato, etc.. then you know what to do on a personal level to better your marriage. Otherwise-Simply ask her, and get to the heart of the matter without emotional connection, and find out what she really wants in life. If no goals are clear, then you have a non-BP problem- simple relationship mechanics-everyone has those issues right? If she has past childhood issues, maybe that could be the cause as well- non BP stuff- but could link to the sudden illness. If not, here is what I know:
Put aside the hurt- the more you can clear your head the better you can figure out your own thoughts. Quit hurting yourself and beating yourself up. Remove the hurt. If the sight of her hurts you, she must leave for a week or so. You must protect yourself.
Bad deeds shall not go unpunished- Bp or not, we all must learn from our mistakes. If she shows no remorse for her actions, even when it was the bp doing it, it has to be known to her. Showing her that you will not stand for this will prompt her get control of the monster within if she really cares about the marriage, then she will do anything to save it. If she doesnt care about the consequences, then you know its over. ( allow someone else deal with a BP woman)
Be patient- Change takes time, allow for things to develop. But look for clues and patterns along the way. Look for positive changes as well. Do things that you enjoy, dont stop living your life to its fullest. Find activites that give you freedom
Be a scientist- experiment- take the victim hat off and learn as much as you can. Books and shrinks wont provide the anwers you are looking for- every bp person is different- you have to become master in your field about the person your learning from.
Change meds and/or lifestyles- the professionals in the field pick meds like throwing darts at a dartboard. They dont know what is right for Bp people for they, just like us , dont understand the dynamic things that occur with our loved ones. Second, if she drinks alcohol, beware, Bp and alcohol are evil together- unpredictable events can and will happen.
Forgive, but dont forget- for this unpredictable life will haunt you unless you learn ways on how to deal with the unknown. Your dealing with an alter ego, and if you have the strength to fight the good fight, that alter ego will be apart of your acceptance to life's many great wonders.
If you want to share some detail accounts about this person, that can give me perception, I will be happy to share my thoughts.
thank you very much. i would like to talk to you more if that would be alright with you. i can give you my email address if you want but i do not want to intrude. i just feel really alone trying to deal with things right now because i do not have anyone to talk with that can understand what i am going thru. this site has been a help already and my hope is to find people i can talk with and get advice from. i have been living with a wife that has had BP for 11 years now but we just put a name on it the first of march. knowing what it is helps but not knowing what to do is hard to handle. i have been doing the wrong thing for 11 years i just need to know what the right things are. i am like a sponge right now trying to absorb as much info as i can but i also want good info not a bunch of crap that some of the books sell. anyway thanks again and hope to hear from you soon.
looking for help
my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
11 years? wow! And everyone is finding out now that this is the prob? Was the marriage this rocky until recent? Has she displayed these kinds of behavior before the recent discovery? What does she want to do? Do you have kids? Is she abusive? If cheating is the only "manic behavior" your wife is displaying, then your a lucky guy. It could be much worse- like suicide attempts.
What kind of "wrong things" have you been doing? Believe me, I've done some wrong things too, but if you know what they are now, then you already know what you need to do to fix the wrong things. Here's another thing to consider, maybe this behavior is not based upon Bp, but rather a need for change by a normal human response? Not all bp folks are manics all the time hence the name.
It would be for the best if you posted your messages here for others to add comments. Your not alone, there are great folks here that can share a bp view point. I know the darkness you are feeling, but consider this a test of the human condition, and life has way of always testing anyone who thinks they are free from trials and tribs.
Spill the beans?
Way to go. Its the little steps that count. When all the stuff happened to me, I went out and found some new friends to talk to during the worst days of my marriage. I suggest you try meeting some folks that you can vent by. Also pick up a sport, or anything to release tension and depression. Invite the wife to have walks daily, tennis, etc.
so how did you guys make it work? what did you do and what did she do? how long were you seperated? what made you decide to work it out? ending it is the easy way out and even that is not easy. i know i have a lot of work to do and so does she if she is commited like she says she is. i do have my woodworking in my shop and that has kept me sane if you can call what i am feeling sane. i know without it i would have been doing other things that would be destructive. i have not turned to drinking and gambling like i did when things were bad a few years ago. but i see now that i was distancing myself when i did that. so i think that is a plus.
thanks again you have been a real help
god bless you guys