Insensitive Spouse!

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Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 4/26/2007 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Does anyone have to deal with a significant other that is just not understanding or sensitive to what you go through? I do and I'm getting really tired of it and I'm starting to resent him.
 
My husband has been out of town since Sunday for business. I spoke with him yesterday at 7pm he said he was going to go to dinner and he would call me when he was done. Well 5 hours later at midnight still no call. This is very unlike him so I started to get very worried/agitated/anxious. I finally called him & no answer. I waited a few minutes and now answer again. Finally he calls me and acts like it's no big deal & I totally lost it for about an hour.
 
He was not sensitive about what I'm going through, I just started meds 3 weeks ago and am under alot of stress. He said he's used to me ranting that it's just a part of life now with me and that he thinks I will be like this forever and he just has to get use to it. He even had the nerve to say that I need to get help and maybe a new medicine. I just started this one 3 weeks ago. I am doing everything I can to not go through this, going to my doctor, taking medicine, doing research. I don't know what else to do. I feel hopeless.
 
He makes it sound like I like feeling this way. He even told me that he never met anyone who acts like this, like Im the only bipolar person in the world and that it's refreshing to be away from me. Not once acknowledging the added stress he putting me through. I feel like he does whatever he wants and when I respond or show any feelings I need help, or I need medicine. He uses my mental problem as a cop out. Anything I feel Im wrong because Im basically crazy to him.
 
Does anyone else go through this? I feel very alone, and ashamed like I'm not suppose to feel anything. Sorry for such a long post. I'm starting to think he's making me worse, is this possible?
 
28 Years Old - Suffering from Panic Attacks since I was 18
Diagnosed w/ Panic Disorder, OCD & Bipolar II
Prescribed 25mg Lamictal every other day - will increase dose gradually


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/26/2007 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello

I am Kitt.  My husband has been living with my depression for 25 years and for the last 14 months I have struggled, had to quit work and I know he is under stress do to my illness.  He tries very hard but there are times when he goes up north to the cabin to just get away from it all.

He will say he will call and then he forgets.  I gave up expecting him to really call.

Most of the time he is supportive but he does get angry sometimes and say I am not trying hard enough to get better.

Will your husband sit down and talk this through with you? Tell him how it makes you feel when you are alone and counting on his phone call.

Take care of you. 


 
Respectfully
 
Kitt
 
Depression 25 years, Husband Crohns Disease 30 years
__________________________________________________ 
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.”
Rosalyn Carter
 


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 4/26/2007 10:03 AM (GMT -7)   
He will talk to me about it, but basically anything I say he thinks is due to my Bipolar. So he doesn't take me seriously. He doesn't take responsibity for anything he does-he just blames my Bipolar. It's so frusterating. I'm at a point where I just want to give up on him. I don't think what I go through will ever go away and I just can't deal with taking the blame for everything we go through. Everything that goes wrong is my fault even when he is clearly wrong.
 
I feel bad enough. I don't need the one person I should be able to depend on to remind me so often that I'm cleary flawed. I'm so confused, I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
 
Does anyones else's significant other make things harder? Am I being unreasonable? I'm told so much that it is me that causing this I'm starting to second guess my self.
 
28 Years Old - Suffering from Panic Attacks since I was 18
Diagnosed w/ Panic Disorder, OCD & Bipolar II
Prescribed 25mg Lamictal every other day - will increase dose gradually


smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 4/29/2007 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi zomese ,

I think one possibility would be for you and your hubby to go to an appointment together , so that your doc can answer the questions he has , and explain your condition and how it makes you feel. He can't not take the doc seriously.

If you don't mind me asking - how long have you suffered with BP , and , how long have you known your husband?

Don't take the blame , you're not at fault - but do give your hubby time to work out the reality of BP , as I said , a joint app. if he is willing , and maybe the odd leaflet just lying around might help.

Keep the faith hun ,

Smiler tongue


Bipolar Moderator
 
DX : I'm me , suprisingly I've only just realised this.
 
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Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 4/30/2007 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smiler,
 
Thanks for your response. I've been married to my husband for 4 years. I was diagnosed w/ Bipolar shortly after the first year we were married. But I remember being a teenager and going through what I go through now so I'm sure I had it even then.
 
We've talked about going together and he is definately willing. He actually came with me once a few years back when I was first diagnosed. This is just such a terrible thing to live with because it so difficult and draining for both of us. I know the way he responds to me is because he's confused and doesn't understand. One week I'm fine & the next I'm a mess.
 
Last week was a particularly hard week, since he was out of town. It was the first time we were away from each other in the 4 years we were married. I just started a new medicine and think it was all too much for me at once. I just lost it, and he loses his patience.
 
He's home now and we had a really good talk over the weekend, so all is well. I was really a wreck last week. I'm glad it's over.
 
I really appreciate this website because it's good to talk w/ people who can understand.
 
28 Years Old - Suffering from Panic Attacks since I was 18
Diagnosed w/ Panic Disorder, OCD & Bipolar II
Prescribed 25mg Lamictal every other day - will increase dose gradually


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 4/30/2007 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   

i am going to say something that most of you won't like.  it is the credo that has sustained my wife and my relationship for over 30 yrs.

I am not in this world to tend to you

And you are not in this world to tend to me

If, however, somehow, we meet on the same path going in the same direction,

How beautiful.

YOU are responsible for YOU.  HE is responsible for HIM.  if you look to others to fill the gaps in your own life and personality, you will end up disappointed and find your life wasted.

search for the beauty inlife and always move towards the light.  there are a lot worse things in this life than being alone.  i've lived through some of them.

 

Warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 5/1/2007 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Warren,
 
You have an interesting take on marriage. Mine is quite different. But whatever works for you. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with "tending" to your husband or wife. I think it's mutual and it's done out of love.
 
One thing I do agree with is that each individual is responsible for their self, not just in marriage but in life as well. I certainly don't think anyone can take the blame for your personal actions. Along with that statement, I would have to say that anything an individula does in a marriage does effect the other individual directly or indirectly. Purposeful or not. That what happens when two lives are intertwined.
 
I don't just leave it up to chance that we end up on the "Same Path". We got married because we choose to be on the same path.
Also, I'm not married because I don't want to be alone, I'm married because I love my husband and I want to be married to him.
 
I think you misunderstood my post. I'm not looking for someone to "fill the gaps in my life", I'm just looking for a way to make a hard situation easier. I thought hearing what everyone else does would be beneficial, and could possible give me ideas of how to make this less stressfull for the both of us.
 
Thanks for your response. I can appreciate the "though love" approach. Sometimes it's just what people need to hear. Congrats on 30 years!
 
28 Years Old - Suffering from Panic Attacks since I was 18
Diagnosed w/ Panic Disorder, OCD & Bipolar II
Prescribed 25mg Lamictal every other day - will increase dose gradually


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 5/4/2007 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
this is an expansion to my previous post.  it is not a contradiction to what i said  but, rather, an illustrative example.
 
my wife has had two cancer operations in the past year.  she is suffering terrably from "cancer fatigue."  anyone who knows someone with cancer has about a 75% chance of knowing this side-effect of the canerr itself.  w3 will know next weeek whether or not she needs chemo/radiation.  we've been through some really tough times - having $50 in a strange country and didn't speak the language well enough to carry on a conversation.  but this is different.
 
so i clean the house and cook the food and tend to whatever needs tending to.  my wife has done these things - and moe - for me for over 30 yrs.  i am happy to "fill in" for her while we are still walking that path in peace and love together.
 
this is a very personal post.  please donm't take it as a "how to" or "coulda/shoulda"  it's just how my wife and i are coping with a crisis.  it's an "of course" i'll carry your load if you're tired."
 
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 5/4/2007 3:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Warren,
 
I'm so sorry for you wife. Cancer is a horrible thing. My father was diagnosed with testicle cancer at age 24, unfortunately it wasn't found soon enough and it spread to his lungs. He was given only 2 weeks to live. Well they were wrong.
 
6 Months ago at 49 my father was diagnosed again with cancer (for the 3rd time). This time it's Cancer of the throat. He has radiation Monday-Friday for six weeks along w/ Chemotherapy every Friday for 6 weeks. He can't eat. And he doesn't want us to put the liquid in his feeding tube. He is down to 104 lbs. at 5 ft 11 inchs tall. It got all but 2% of the cancer which he may have to have part of his throat removed to get rid of the rest. We have to wait and see. He has spent more than half his of life sick.
 
I know firsthand what such a horrible disease can do to a family, I've been living it since I was 5. And just like you and your wife my mom has been by his side the entire time.
 
I wish there was something I could say, but I know nothing anyone says can make it better.
 
If you want to vent feel free to send me a message. I hope everything turns out ok.
 
 
 
28 Years Old - Suffering from Panic Attacks since I was 18
Diagnosed w/ Panic Disorder, OCD & Bipolar II
Prescribed 25mg Lamictal every other day - will increase dose gradually


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 5/7/2007 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
zomese,
 
i am devistated that you can relate to m wife an my situation.  no sentient being should ever have to go through this experience.
 
my wife may be said to be doing better than i am.  outside of the fatigue and some darvocet-level pain, she is doing well.  after less than a week after the masectomy she was showin off how good her range of motion is in her affected arm.  she's just a show off! :-)
 
thank you for the ofer of venting at you.  devil    i tend to be a vry privatepersonand keep my problems to myself and, sometimes, to my shrink.  havent's seen him in about two months.  we're in deep south texas and he's in alabama.  i have thought about a telephone intrview.  they're not as satisfying, but they can help.
 
i'm just wandering.  i had a BAD pain nigt last night and took double my rxed dosage of morphine plus some other stuff.  pain is still there but it's like through a fog.   m mind just isn't functioning very wel rght now, is all.  forgive my ramblings.
 
by the way, i actually enjoy shopping and cooking.  i was neverthat good atit while i as a batchelor, but i've improved a lot.  i did overcook teh fish last week.  my wife lughed at me! 
 
i don't know if an of these ramblings help you or not.  i hope they do.  i have put my wife through many h*lls and dragged her all over europe andthe states.  i guess she must ove meto put up withmy crap.  i know i love her enough to do whatever is necessary to make her life easier and more pleasant.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 

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