Need Some Support BiPolar Spouse on Abilify! Please Help!

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fallynangel79
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/8/2007 11:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all Im new here and my name is Rachel. I am newly married. Have only been married for a year and a half. When my husband and I first got together he was perfect in my eyes. We got married within three months of meeting each other, odd I know, but I was best friends with his sister, and I became pregnant shortly after we met. Only to lose the baby to deformaties. We met after he came to my hometown after he got out of treatment for anger and drugs (i.e crystal meth, cocain, crack, and pills) I can hear you now, why did you get involved but we truely fell in love very fast. Not to mention that fact that I became pregnant, less then one month after we met.And he has most definately been clean and sober the whole time we have been together. He has no history of previous drug abuse or alcohol abuse and no relapses. 
 
In the beginning he was perfect. He has never really been good with opening up with his emotions. At a young age he was molested and his mother did nothing about it, leaving him feeling let down. He was shortly there after faced with the divorce of his parents and ongoing fights and arguements beyong belief between his mother and father. His mother is a heavy drinker and his father is and was very mentally abusive calling him stupid and other names daily. This never really seemed to bother him when we first started dating or after we married and he was extreamly supportive of me and my mental illness which includes panic and anxiety and post tramatic stress syndrome.
 
In the last few months he has become very aggitated and loses control extreamly easily. Calling me a stupid ***** only to turn around seconds later and apologize. I have watched him go from saying that he needed to be placed in a mental facility to denying the fact that he needed any medication or help at all. More and more lately he seems more distant then ever. Nothing I do is right by him. From the way I do laundry to the way the dishwasher leaves spots on the dishes.
 
This is very hard for me with the name calling because I myself was in a physically abusive relationship and I was beat daily. I eventually got out of that relationship and met my husband whom I thought was my knight in shining armor. His words of hate seem to hurt more then anytime I was ever beat. I know that may sound outrageous but it stands true for me.
 
He screams and hollers and calls me stupid and a ***** DAILY. I know that he says these things out of impulse because as soon as he realizes what he has said he apologizes. He has become very distant, telling me somethings he just doesnt want to talk about. I have been living my life for the past few months on pins and needles and my anxitey and stress levels are sky rocketing or atleast that is how it feels to me. I speak little out of fear of setting him off. And fear we will not be able to make it in our marriage due to his problems. My own problems I have under control unless he is set off.
 
His mother, like clockwork, every three months starts a huge arguement with him and degrades his father. Leaving them not talking for months at a time. His father, whom he just began having a new relationship with, with help from me, and my explaining to him that he is old enough now that he can walk away if he doesnt like the way he is being treated, seems to do him some good but his father still tells him he is stupid, which I know bothers him but he still continues to maintain the relationship. Whch I believe is for the simple fact he wants to prove to him he is NOT stupid and because he wants to be loved by his own family. My famiy has been very supportive of him as have I, but he has discussed the fact that he envys my family and the way we no matter what sick together.
 
Last week was probably the worst week we have had since the onset of what I believe to be only the acute manic stage of bipolar because this is all I ever see in him is the aggitation and irritablity.
 
I decided that I couldnt stay in the relationship any longer and asked him to leave, when he returned home from work one day last week. At this time he expressed his feelings that he was confused about his aggitation and that he thought he may have gotten married too soon. And that he didnt want to be married. He is 20 I am 27. He expressed that when he came home from work he dreaded walking through the door to see me. He told me that he hated me. Only to call me later and tell me that he loved me and he was sorry. He expressed to me that he did not know what he wanted out of life but was tired of living the was he was living.
 
We hardly speak to each other at all, on my part because I dont want to start an arguement and on his part he has not explained to me why. I have explained to him many times I would do anything that I could to help him in his illness. But he still will not open up to me and if I push the issue and tell him that I need him to talk to me and let me know what hes thinking and going through he blows up and screams at me.
 
I feel all alone and unloved. Due to the fact that he comes home from work after an 8 hour shift and takes his medicine and falls asleep, after showering and eating. We have no emotional connection at all. And our physical relationship is minimul. I have explained to him how I feel, by talking to him and by writing it on paper so that he wouldnt be able to start an arguement with me about it. I get absolutely no response from him except him saying "boo hoo" to me and telling me I cry to much. 
 
He does ask me frequently if I love him and my answer is always yes and forever. But if I ask the same question in return he tells me that Im stupid and ask stupid questions. He expressed that he loves me but it has been months now since he has even touched me. Im lucky if i get a kiss when he gets home from work. It seems to me that he always goes to bed angry about something that he seems to think I said wrong or did wrong and that has irritated him and I go to bed crying and unable to sleep because my love for him runs so deep. Beyond anything I have ever felt before. And all I can do is wonder how we ended up here and if I cause all of this, because up until a few moths ago this were great.
 
We recently decided he would come back home and together we would work on his problem. He explained to me that he doesnt want a divorce, which at first I pressed on for because I wasnt aware he had this problem, because it came out of nowhere. That he does want to be married but he is irritated by everything and anything and he tells me that its not my fault and the he doesnt understand where it came from either.
 
The dr recently put him on Seroquel 200mg a day, which knocked him out cold and I wasnt seeing him at all and he complained that he felt tired and zombie like all day and unable to preform on his job. They then switched him to Respirdal 10mg, which also made him tired throughout his day. The the last medication that he is on currently 15mg of Abilify. He made the comment to me just days ago that he thinks it is making him feel better but he is still tired and goes to sleep at 4pm and sleeps until 6am at which time he wakes and goes to work and comes home showers eats and goes to bed. On the weekends he leaves me here alone and goes to his fathers or his sisters, anywhere but here.
 
Which makes me wonder what I have done wrong but he always tells me its not me. I understand that he needs his time alone and I respect that but he has expressed irritation about "sleeping his life away" and has told me that he doesnt want to take medicine if it is going to make him this tired. One of my main concernes is that we NEVER spend any time together.  I mentioned that he contact his dr and ask to reduce his dosage to something lower, so that he isnt so tired. He agrees that he needs the medicine and does not want to treat me the way he has been or continue feeling the way he has been feeling.
 
I have seen him go from crying out for help to denying the fact he needs help at all.
 
So, my question would be 1.) Do I stay in this marriage through sickness and health, as I vowed to do? Or do I leave, knowing I love him but just can not take the anger problems. And possibly regret leaving him for all the wrong reasons for the rest of my life. 2.) What have been others side effects and symptoms with Abilify? 3.) Is this somthing that he can over come, is there hope? 4.) Whatelse can I be doing to help him without getting my heart ripped out myself? And I am also intrested in hearing any other comments or opinions and am open minded to anything that is of any help.
 
At my ends Wit~
Rachel aka fallynangel79

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/9/2007 6:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel -- I'm so sorry to hear about all this horrible pain you must be going through. This sounds just awful.

It's good that your husband is getting help and seeing a doc. You don't say -- is he seeing a psychiatrist or a GP? It really does make a difference. Most psych docs really are more attuned to the nuances of the psychiatric drugs and can help your husband find one that "fits" his symptoms. If you don't like the one he's seeing, find another.

But in the meantime you need to get help for yourself. Your husband may be the one with the illness, but he isn't the only one suffering. As I'm sure many others on this board will tell you, it's excruciating to be the spouse of someone in an acute state. But not only that, he's being abusive. Right now he's being verbally abusive, but you said yourself you've been in situations of physical abuse before. You know how hard they are to get out of. Please please please get yourself some support. Find a therapist or a family counselor who will help you take care of yourself. Your life isn't 100% about your husband. It's also about YOU!!!!!

fallynangel79
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/12/2007 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Serafena, thanks so much for the reply. Im guessing I should probably move my posts to the other thread that was started before mine since there are more replies there. I do appreciate you advice. I now realize that I have been putting my problems on the backburner and trying to do everything that I can to make him happy. Why it took me more then 3 months to figure it out I have no idea. And I didnt notice it until I started to notice that when he got off of work even before he got in his car to come home my anxiety would skyrocket, and I would start dreading HIM coming home.
 
Right now hes only seeing a therapist (sp?) and a phych. dr. But it also a free clinic or based on income since he doesnt have insurance. Not sure that, that is going to work out so well since evertime he goes in he says even though he sees the same dr. he can tell that the dr doesnt even remember him. Which of course irritates him. WHAT DOESNT!

Currently, I believe we are on a "up" stage in his BP. On Sunday just two days ago he was moving out and never coming back, on Monday he was sorry and he loved me and he just thought we needed to decorate our house because its depressing. Today he is up and going and smiling and its kind of scary for me because I cant stop wondering if this is the "calm before the storm." He did explain to me that when I raise my voice to him, which I do quite often because I feel constantly attacked, even when hes doing nothing at all to me, that, that is one of his anger triggers. We did have a struggle last night I was trying to tell him something and he didnt want to hear it and told me to just stop. I hate to be cut short so I kept on goin....about two word later he was screaming at me to "just please shut up." Does it make it any better that he said PLEASE? I dont think so but I do know that right now, Im scared. Scared of exactly what, I have no idea. Maybe that he might do something drastic and hurt me...but his BP isnt that bad, just the excessive screaming and hollering, hitting the walls and the occasional name calling. Which I can tolerate to a point. But how much can one person take? I personally know that I cant take much, but I am being encouraged by my grandmother and grandfather to work things out and stand by his side because thats what I took vows to do!!!
 
The one thing that really has me confused is the fact that this BP just popped up like it came out of nowhere. Is this even possible? Does it happen often? I am so uneducated on this but have been trying to read up on it and get educated. As, I told you before I have my own set of mental health issues with the panic and anxiety and post tramatic stress onset by me witnessing the brutal murder of a close friend. But through all of that I was always so scared of BP that it was unbelievable. To me it was the worst, mental condition one could have besides the ppl that hear voices. I realize now there are much worse conditions and who am I to judge but I do have to admit before all this, I was overwhelmed by my own problems, as to where now EVERYDAY, I thank GOD that this is all that I have. 
 
Thanks for the reply and any answers to the questions that I left above...I would greatly apprecitate. I think I will now make an appointment for myself because I surely could use some valium to calm me nerves and something to calm my stomach. 
 

 

fallynangel79
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/12/2007 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
wow, I apologize for my misspelling. If you cant tell my nerves are totally out of control at the moment. eyes
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