Returning back to school

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maitri
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/23/2007 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I am new to this site and pretty new to message boards for that matter. I have lived with bipolar most of my life. I clearly remember a severe depression when I was six, and I was manifesting many of the characteristics described in The Bipolar Child (says my mother) since birth, which was late 1960. So, as we all know, the disorder is progressive, and in 2000 I was no longer able to work and getting closer and closer to a fully delusional state. Needless to say it was terrifying. I was witnessing "losing my mind" after spending so much energy throughout my life to handle and hide the demons. Diagnosed in 2000, I finally found my medication cocktail in 2004. I finally began to stabilize and have been working for two years now. My doctors told me not to really consider going back to school for my masters degree, but for the last eight months I have been working full time back in my career field and doing great. So, I applied to grad school, was accepted and have just started with a mostly online program. I think that online is a great option for someone with bipolar. I can do it when I am able. But here is the thing I would love to get feedback on. I haven't been manifesting symptoms for two years, my mood has been so well, but now that I have started school I am seeing symptoms that I can't ignore. One of them for me is I shake. I vibrate, it is like every cell is vibrating. I am trying to concentrate on breathing and relaxing, but clearly it isn't working. I am also irritable, and I haven't been. Snapping quickly. I actually thought that nasty person was gone, and now all it took was one class, online, that I am enjoying, and it is only the fourth week. My therapist was very against this from the get-go, but I have been so well. I feel frustrated a little bit, but I can see that my brain can only take so much. Anyway, writing this has helped a little, you know, just reaching out to ...whoever, which I really don't do. If anyone has any suggestions or can relate, it would be welcomed. The reality is that we with this disorder have to go out into the world and make these same achievements as everyone else, go to work, take care of the family, etc. and I want to do it, and yet sometimes it's just so tough, even when you have a totally positive outlook and willingness.

Thanks for listening...

sooper
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 815
   Posted 6/23/2007 1:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey


I can relate to your situation I will be returning to school in the fall. Currently my head is a mess, but your right we have to try our best ti lead normal lives.
im a professional... on an amateur level !


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 6/23/2007 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   

mairti,

Welcome to the HW family, I hope you will find all the support you need here.

Wow online classes, those are terrible for me.  I am still trying to finish up my undergrad from 10 years or so.  It has been a hard journey, my mood had been rocky.  My concentration is nowhere to be found these days.

But in the past when school was going well, nothing could have stopped me.  But I have not been there for a while.  So you are steps way ahead of me.

What to you mean by the your brain "vibrate"?



~~~ Olivia  ~~~
Moderator, Bipolar

"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"
"The moon if always full, think about it."
Dx:  Bipolar I (mixed-episodes), PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder 
Current Meds:  Lithium 900mg, Geodon 60mg 2x/day, Ativan 1mg

Support HealingWellhttp://www.healingwell.com/donate


maitri
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/24/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia,

Yes, the vibration thing. I have two main symptoms that are early warning triggers. The first, and it could actually be just that I am having an emotional problem (which is kind of hand-in-hand with bipolar sometimes, lol). But what I actually "feel" viscerally is a vibration, a vibing, a shake that is throughout my body. Now I am told that on the spectrum of bp, that some individuals are extremely sensitive and on the other side are those people who lack a great deal of sensitivity, with many filling the in-between. If one was to label me, I would be called an ultra-sensitive. What most people don't hear, feel, taste...well, if I wasn't medicated, even the most subtly things can overstimulate me. I definitely can see/feel what I call people's energetic signatures. It is not seeing per se, but a sensing. I can't prove it, but it is always right on, and if I don't trust the reading I pick up on a person, and it is not a positive energy, I will pay. So now I listen. It really is a vibe, a shake, as if every cell is vibrating almost in-sync, but each one slightly off. Does that help?

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 6/24/2007 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
If this is proving to be a strain for you now, perhaps this is not the time. It doesn't mean that you can't explore this option down the road, but if you're feeling warning signs, (and I"ve ignored them a thousand times, to my downfall) then I would heed them and do as instinct demands. You may have found that balance so many of us seek and are now endangering the stability you've worked so hard for. I personally wouldn't risk it, but that has to be a personal choice.
Take Care
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
 


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 6/26/2007 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
mairti,

Yes, that def helps.

I do not have the vibes you describe, but I have overwhelming feelings when I think of school. I almost feel paralized, and I only have 6 left. Everything has been a huge task for me too.

Best wishes on you classes stuff.

~~~ Olivia  ~~~
Moderator, Bipolar

"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"
"The moon if always full, think about it."
Dx:  Bipolar I (mixed-episodes), PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder 
Current Meds:  Lithium 900mg, Geodon 60mg 2x/day, Ativan 1mg

Support HealingWellhttp://www.healingwell.com/donate


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/28/2007 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Mairti:

I think I quite know what you mean. When things start to feel overwhelming for me, (right when I'm starting to "ramp up", if you will,) I feel like I'm shaking, vibrating, like I can't sit still. I sometimes describe it as if my skin is crawling, but of course it isn't really. I've said it's like itching, too, but that's not quite it either. It's definitely a signal for me to slow down though. I'm sorry. I know how frustrating it is to be doing well for a couple of years, try something new and then get shaken up. This JUST happened to me this past Spring.

I also would describe myself as hypersensitive and very (over) attuned to other people's emotions and "vibes." I also always trust my "readings" on a person. My husband has learned to rely on my instincts about people as well.

Don't know about your history. My hypersensitivity is probably in part BP and due to an inability to sort out stimuli. (Are you very good at eavesdropping? I'm a master!) But my psych and therapist also credit the hypersensitivity to being ultra-perceptive (yay me) and ultra-vigilant due to growing up with violent, alcoholic parents. Thanks 'rents!

maitri
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/30/2007 6:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for all for your input.

I am going to have to watch how I do with school. The reality is that I may only be able to take one class per semester. And then, I don't HAVE to get A's...I don't know why I push like that. Just taking the pressure off has helped tremendously, and my work is still good.

And yes, I do have the ultra-sensitivity and am too aware of what others are doing around me...yeah, the doctors say it is from unhealthy parents (BP, OCD, Anxiety both parents) and too much time with my schizo grandmother.

How we overcome this is to take care of ourselves, and the responses I have received on this site are so intelligent, and warm that I know I will succeed.

Thanks again

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/30/2007 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Maitri

You wrote:

"How we overcome this is to take care of ourselves, and the responses I have received on this site are so intelligent, and warm that I know I will succeed."

How wise you are for one so young. I am glad to see you are able to validate your feelings and set realistic goals for you. I am proud of you!

I wish you all the best! Hugs and Prayers,

Kitt


Respectfully
Kitt
 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders

Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

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