a lot to deal with

New Topic Locked Topic Printable Version
75 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 6/26/2007 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   
My wife has recently been diagnosed with BP (4 weeks ago). Over the past 4 months I have learned a lot of the problems she has and a lot of the horrible decisions she has made throughout our marriage (20 years together, almost 15 married). I would like to share this and see if anyone can help both of us deal with a life changing event.
At the beginning of March I had had enough with my wifes antics. For months I had felt a difference in her, she was distant and didn't talk very much to me, she was short with our girls (9,12), especially the eldest one. Back before Christmas I had feelings that she was cheating but for some reason I always thought "she wouldn't do that", maybe I just didn't want to believe it. I discounted our cold relationship as just being married for 15 years and that's what happens when your married that long. It always threw me off because she would do very nice things for me at times which made me feel that I was just being paranoid.
When I did decide to investigate things it took me only 1 day to start to unravel all the lies. I discovered a private e-mail account that contained e-mails from a former co-worker (back at university), the e-mails weren't that bad, more of a friendship with a lot of encouragement. I still was angry as this was hidden from me. I contacted this guy through e-mail and he sent me copies of e-mails that she had sent to him. These e-mails were of a different nature. Although she had told me that she confided in him that her marriage wasn't close and that was about it, the e-mails contained quotes of how "I made her feel like crap, and that I was a bad father, and totally fabricated stories. They were also a lot more suggestive than his were. This all came as a huge surprise to me as she had never voiced anything about being unhappy or "trapped" as she put it. Over the next few weeks I made discoveries of her taking him out for lunch and going for a walk with him but she always maintained that there was no sexual contact. I went through 2+ months of trying to get to the bottom of things and telling her how much I cared for her and realizing mistakes I had made in my life. I explained to her that this was an emotional affair but I always knew there was more.
One day when I was at work I talked to her at lunch, we were going to see our counsellor that night and I mentioned some things about her having a sexual affair and that we would be discussing it that night. She phoned me a few hours later and asked me if I could leave work and get some coverage for the next day as well. I knew what was coming. I came home and walked upstairs, she was laying on the bed. I walked in and said "here it comes, right?" she replied "yes", I lost it. She told me that she had been having a sexual affair with a different guy that had started back in October. After some prodding I got a name (i knew it was a fake name) and his situation (unmarried, customer that came into her store). She told me that the affair had stopped a few weeks before. I told her that I had been working my hardest the past 2 months on our relationship and she had still been seeing him. She maintained that it was over and she wanted to work hard to get back what we had. Over the next few weeks again we worked on things, we went away together and had a lot of fun and a lot of long talks. Something was still bothering me. After our weekend away I talked to her that night and finally got it out of her that he worked at her store and that she would talk to him every day at work, she said that the sexual stuff had ended about the time I found out there was a sexual affair (she ended that part because she said she knew I was going to catch her). The next day we saw our counsellor and that afternoon she went up and quit her job and she says that she told him that it had to be completely over. That was 7 weeks ago.
She has seen her doctor, counsellor and a psychiatrist. She is currently on Lithium. All of the things she tells me now (committed to me, loves me), I don't know what I can believe since she had told me a lot of the same things back in March and April when she was trying to keep me off the sexual affair trail. The problems have not been limited to affairs. She had binge eating, money problems and a lifetime of lying, sometimes for no real reason. I am being as supportive of her as I can, the past 4 months I have concentrated on getting her back on track and not thought much about myself. Lately I have thought more about what I want. I have told her that I will always support her and I will always be a great friend to her but I don't know if I can be her husband.
I guess what I need to know is what other spouses have done in a similar situation. I have an overwhelming desire to "deal" with this other guy (he's married) but my wife always tells me that I can't do anything to get myself in trouble because her and the girls need me. I have maintained that it isn't fair to his wife that she doesn't know. My wife is afraid that she will go public (we live in a small town) or do something to hurt or embarrass our girls. I feel like my hands are tied but I need to do something, I have told her the rage inside of me is sometimes overwhelming and I know if I see him I will do something (don't know him, don't know what he looks like, I know where he lives).
I am new to this BP thing, I have done a lot of research and am still struggling with understanding it. I think very logically and it is hard to understand. It seems to me that she has been running from herself for years and has progressively done more and more things so she didn't have to face anything. I have never seen a lot of depression until lately and have never seen the classic symptoms of mania. She says that a "wall" has been building for years between us over the way she has understood our relationship. She tells me things about our relationship that she believed but it is all things that she thought about us and not stuff that was ever verbally brought up. I'm having trouble with this as everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage because we never argue or fight. This has been because she never voices her opinion but wound up resenting me because of it.
Sorry for the long posting, it could have been longer. Any ideas or support will be helpful. My wife will read and most likely post things on this site as well. Thanks.
 

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 6/26/2007 2:18 PM (GMT -7)   
footballfan,
 
I want to welcome you to the HW family, and say I am sorry you are going through what you are going through.  I am quite sure you will find others in the same situation and could be a good support to you.
 
Again Welcome! yeah


Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar 1, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

Post Edited (olivia of course) : 8/7/2007 9:40:34 PM (GMT-6)


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/27/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   

dear footballfan,

I am probably much younger than you (26), but I would like to reply anyway.  I don't know anything about marriage, but I do know BP.

I am BP and I do know quite a bit about the complicated mess this illness can be.  Having said that, I have learned that whenever we are looking at ourselves, our lives...our complications, our illnesses etc...it can be extremely healing to "simplify".

I believe, you need to first think of yourself, if in fact you are feeling you want to separate.  If that is the case, if you think after everything, "you can no longer be her husband", then I think you need to take care of your girls and of yourself.  Your wife has a long road ahead of her, so I think you need to figure out if you are going to be husband for that road, or friend, or maybe even more distant than friend for awhile.  It could stay very complicated if you do separate but try to remain her closest friend, caretaker. 

Your trust in her has been broken...if you want to stay with her, your trust needs to be repaired, which will be extremely hard b/c she's going to be going through symptoms, treatment (hopefully).  There is so much to think about and to consider.  It is complicated.

I hope she does well w/her treatment, it's really hard.  Hopefully no matter what happens she can begin healing, your girls need both of you.

And you deserve credit for trying to educate yourself about the illness.  You & your family are in my thoughts, I wish you all well.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 6/27/2007 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I am the BP wife of "footballfan". He has given you all the facts of the situation....facts I am extremely shameful and remorseful of. Like he said I have only recently been dx with bp. I am not on the extreme end of either scale...manic or depression. I was shocked to hear such a dx because I do not exhibit many of the typical symptoms. However some of the symptoms I can really relate to. I would have to say that for probably most of my adult life I have not known how to deal with issues in my life...especially anything that would be unpleasant in anyway. I have been running from my own thoughts for so long, that it is scary and very overwhelming dealing with all the emotion coming out. I see know how much and for how long my mind was racing....overthinking everything to the extreme....yet not considering the consequences of my actions. I have been insecure in myself for many many years.

One of the issues I dealt with was overeating. Anytime footballfan was at work I would eat. It filled time, it was an escape for me. Another escape for me was lying. For me lying was easier than telling the truth. (And I lied about the stupidest things under the sun.....even what I had for lunch that day) As time went on, the worse decisions I was making. I am not trying to make excuses, but it really was like a different person was in control at times. I feel like I bounced back and forth between the basic ME and this other person. I look at things now and it upsets me so much to see the decisions I have made and how much I have hurt footballfan. I had built up such a wall around myself. I portrayed a person that fit whatever situation I was in. I was consumed by wanting to be liked by everyone, while convincing myself that my husband did not really love me. I had built up such a wall around me that know one was getting in. Know one knows the true me....including me! And that is scary. I was a person who was up and bubbly, and never offered up a true opinion. Any and all resentments I had developed towards myself, I put on footballfan's shoulders. I have lied, overate, hurt our financial situation a couple of times, cheated, and sometimes believe I have hurt footballfan beyond repair.

For almost two months now I have had all my cards out on the table. Footballfan is leary to believe...and I understand that. I have hit the bottom of the well....and it took getting here to get rid of all the garbage in my life. It is scary to feel like I am starting out with having to build a new person, but I can not tell you how good it feels to be free of everything. I struggle now with still wanting to eat....and making sure I tell the truth in all situations is still a conscious thing for me. But it feels good to finally be making good decisions in my life. I never believed I was capable of it. There is no desire to be in contact with the other man. I am scared about the road ahead...but I definitely know the road I will not take. I pray daily that footballfan and I can make things work. I want and will do anything to prove myself to him. He is an amazing person. I know now that there are not too many men like him. He loves me and is standing by my side. I would be devastated to lose him as my husband, but I know now that I have been blessed with a best friend. He has unselfishly been there for me through all of this. He has sadness and anger that I know needs dealing with. It is hard when he lets it out to me. I know that it is something I need to suck up. I want to be strong for him as well. Any advise anyone can offer up to either one of us is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Many people have told me that I need to forgive myself and love myself before I can truly start to grow. This is such an obstacle for me, given all the pain I have caused.

I want to be the best wife and mom I can be for the rest of my days....I love footballfan, and I never want him to doubt it again.

Dutchie

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/28/2007 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

dear dutchie,

I was so touched to read your post today, I was wondering if you would read mine, and I hoped that I didn't hurt any feelings or offend anyone.

It sounds to me like you are ready to begin healing.  I say that b/c it sounds like you are starting to accept what you've been dealing with, and you are being understanding, very understanding to how your husband must be feeling.  Good for you.  I think that is wonderful that you understand where his pain is and why it's there.

On your journey you are going to need to love yourself, take care of yourself, and learn about who you are.  And I understand that has all been confusing for you.  You have caused pain, but you've also been in pain, so take things one step at a time, slowly.  Reach out to anything that is available in our community for support, so glad that you have a counsellor too.  Try to simplify the complications, so that you can focus and don't get overwhelmed.

It's hard to give any more advice b/c I don't know you (or your husband) so hopefully I've been general b/c I'm definitely not a professional either.
 
You and your family, again, are in my thoughts, and I wish you all the best.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 6/28/2007 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Mogs

Thanks for your understanding and support. Like I said, I understand the pain I have caused, and I am so remorseful of my actions. I know now the person I want to be. It is a little overwhelming dealing with the emotion at times, but these postings help and footballfan is an amazing man/husband/ friend. I am so thankful for him.

As far as dealing with the overwhelming feelings..I do try to repeat "babysteps" in my head. It helps me to focus on more short term goals. However my mind spent many years working overtime....it still sometimes gets away on me.
Your compasion for both of us and our girls is touching...thank-you.

Dutchie

footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 6/28/2007 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   

Dutchie seems to be trying very hard to improve our situation. She is doing everything possible to win back my trust. When I am at work (such as now) she will drive the 20 minutes here to bring me a coffee. I tell her she doesn't have to, she says she knows that and that she wants to do it. Whenever she has to run errands she always takes one of the girls with her so I know she isn't up to anything. Things like this make me feel good but I am still unsure of what is real and what isn't. March and April have really messed things up for us, as I have said she seemed to be working on things but in reality was just trying to mask the truth. Every night when I am working I call at 9:30, our talks during March and April got longer because of the situation and she had asked me to call earlier than 9:30. I came to find out that she wanted me to call earlier because she was going out afterward and meeting him and it was getting too late. The part that really burned me was that she would leave our girls at home in bed while she was going out, she would leave a note with her cell number on it in case they woke up. This is why I never caught on, I never dreamed she would leave them alone. It is stuff like this that makes me wonder what is real.

 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/28/2007 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   

footballfan,

Take it one day at a time...It really does sound like she is trying...I hope you both can work this out.  I know it's hard and painful.  I just can't say enough how much I am thinking of you both, and of your girls.

Sorry to be so brief... I am not feeling well tonight, and I'm exhausted. 

Keep posting, this forum is helpful.

Take care........


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 6/28/2007 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
This is where it does feel like a different person was doing those aweful things. I can't believe I was a person that left my girls alone at night, or made the decisions I made. I feel so disgusted by my actions and I am so determined to not do anything questionable again. Like I said earlier I want to be someone I can be proud of as well....but it is difficult for me to look past what I have done. I know my pain...I can't imagine the pain my husband is enduring. He has a strength in him I hope to achieve for myself one day.

Mogs...sorry to hear you are not well. We are very appreciative of your caring words. Thank you
Feel better!!
Dutchie

footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 6/28/2007 10:50 PM (GMT -7)   

This may be a dumb question, but what makes this whole situation bipolar?

My wife says that problems began when I started my current job 8 years ago, I had always worked straight days and now I work a 12 hour continental shift where I work both days and nights every week. The nights I had to work she says she became lonely and ate moreso out of boredom, there was one huge money problem back then that we cleared up and I took over the financial responsibilities. Over the next 7 years she says that she continued to eat when I was gone and would shop for something to do. She always felt bad about her weight and figured I must feel that way too, and to a certain extent I did. When she began talking to the first guy (the e-mail guy) she found him to be very upbeat and positive, he always encouraged her and talked to her about his problems, she says he would come up and give her a hug for no reason and that it felt good. After the summer he went back to school and she now didn't have that encouragement and friendship that she desired. I feel that she had started comparing him to me and liking the fact that he always made her feel good about herself. A few months later she struck up a friendship with this other guy, this guy was not the same, he preyed on her desire for happiness and took what he wanted. In the end she was convinced that he loved her and she told me that a part of her loved him. She now says that she realizes her feelings were superficial and not truelly deep feelings, and that him talking about love was in fact just a ploy to get what he wanted.

I don't blame her for feeling distant from me. She portrays me as a loving husband that talks out his feelings, that is me....now. I never let her get to know the real me because talking about feelings and showing love was something that I used to take as a weakness. So I do understand to a certain extent why she felt this way.

So back to my question. What makes this bipolar and not simply someone that won't face their problems and is afraid to talk things out?

As I have said, I am new to this so I hope I haven't offended anyone by my questions.


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/29/2007 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   

footballfan,

BP is very complicated, but your question isn't dumb.  The situation that you are both in can be found in marriages without a BP spouse.  Maybe if I relate how my BP affects me and my life, you might be able to see how the BP has affected your wife, and your marriage.

Keep in mind, it also really depends on what type of bipolar your wife is dealing with...BP I, II or mixed states.  That's really important.

I am BP II, also experience mixed states... and during my times that I am depressed, my insecurity can really get the best of me.  I have a boyfriend who lives with me.  We've been together a year and a half, living together just over a year now.  I know when I am experiencing my lows (depressive symptoms) I feel worse about myself, I worry that he'll leave me or I'm not good enough, or he likes someone else.  I'm not saying this is how your wife was feeling.  When I'm hypomanic, I feel great about things, and I know that my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and I feel great about myself, appearance and all.  My bf works long day shifts, and right now I am home all day b/c I'm waiting to back to school.  So symptoms can really affect me when I'm alone.  When depressed, being alone is scary for me sometimes.  I get extremely lonely.  If I'm alone and hypomanic, and if I had money, I would go shopping. 

I have read a lot about manic states in bipolar (again, not sure if your wife is experiencing full mania, or hypomania...hypomania is "less mania") and from reading I know it is extremely common for people to do things they would not normally do... from breaking the law (very common) to maybe having an affair, things like that.  It doesn't excuse this behaviour for anyone, and I know your wife would agree, but really it is what can be behind it all, the control of the illness.  The symptoms are overwhelming footballfan, and very hard to manage or control.

I think that is why your wife has felt like someone else.  I feel that way when I'm experiencing major symptoms.  There have been things that I have felt, that I wish I didn't feel (like the insecurity) b/c my bf is very trustworthy, but my symptoms don't allow me to see that all the time.  I feel like I'm not the real me sometimes.  But I have learned to acknowledge those moments as the illness acting...and try to use the things I have learned, to work through them and not let them take over.  That takes a lot of time and learning and practice.

What you said about "not facing problems...etc...".  In the past, anything that was stressful for me, I wouldn't want to deal with it, b/c symptoms become much worse w/stress and therefore I would just not deal with the issue...It would always get worse, but I wouldn't deal with it the right way b/c it was too overwhelming for me, so it was better (not really) for me just not to face it.  It was too scary to face.  And it all is very scary to "talk about" as well.  And hard to talk about.  I still don't really like talking to my bf about my symptoms, the illness.  I would much rather talk to someone who is BP and understands, or my pdoc.  So it really is something that is hard to talk about.  And guilt plays a huge role as well.  If my bf and I have a fight and I know that my symptoms may have played the bigger role, I feel ashamed, that I wasn't myself, I feel guilty for upsetting him or us. 

Sometimes, I push my bf away when I'm not feeling well.  He'll ask me what's wrong, but b/c he can't understand fully, I push him away and tell him I'm fine.  I'll become distant sometimes.

I'm really hesitant to comment on the specifics of your marriage, b/c I don't know you or your wife, AND...I'm not a professional.  I do think she is remorseful, sincerely and I also know this is a struggle for you.

I hope this helped a little, keep in touch.

 

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/29/2007 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Dutchie,

I know this is all painful for you both. 

I am feeling a little better today, thanks for your feel better wishes, much appreciated.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 6/29/2007 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs

Thank you so much for the reply to footballfan's question. We both do not fully understand things about bp yet and are nervous about having me mis-dx. It is not that we are not willing to face reality. If the reality of my situation is that I have bp than so be it. I think footballfan and I are confused because I do not display any real severe manic or depression symptoms. Yet on the flip, there is so much I can relate to. Mogs, the way you describe things...its almost as if you were writing in my journal.

This forum is helping out tremendously....a special thank-you to you Mogs!

Dutchie

footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 6/29/2007 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogs,

Thanks for your reply, it shows a lot of courage to be able to open up and talk out your problems with a complete stranger. I noticed throughout your last posting that you used the word "scary" a lot, I have noticed from the beginning of this with my wife that she uses that word a lot too.

Like Dutchie said, I am not denying the dx I just want to make sure of it. The problems she has had with weight has been of concern to me. She always knew it but never knew the reasons for my concern. She always thought I was ashamed of her and didn't want to be seen with her, when in actuallity my concerns were that she was put on high blood pressure meds about 3 years ago and I didn't like that. Unlike my wife I face problems head on, I don't avoid them at all so when one comes up it has always bothered me that she would run from it. I see that bp plays a huge role in this and so does she. Anyways, back in January Dutchie says she had almost a nervous breakdown because of how she felt about her weight and how she thought I felt. She told me that she cut out her "extra-curricular eating" as she puts it and has lost 45lbs since then. I am very proud of her for this. A few days ago her dr. took her off the blood pressure meds altogether. I love that she is taking control of this but at the same time it scares me to death. She is a very attractive woman and as her weight goes down I fear she will attract that much more attention from the guys. Everyone likes attention, but she seems to use it to reassure herself and make herself feel good about her. I just hope that she can develop some self-asteem. If you met her you would never guess that she doesn't think very highly of herself. Everyone loves her except her.

This is going to be a long road. I have told her that it's like I don't know who I have been married to all these years. She openly talks to me about what she thinks I think and I tell her that she really doesn't even know me that well. The two biggest things to me in a relationship are trust and loyalty, this is why I am having such a tough time with this, hopefully some day it will all come together. The other day she told me that she was happy she met me, I told her that I'm looking forward to meeting her, we laughed (I hope that wasn't offensive).

Feel better and make sure your bf is talking out his feelings and fears.

 


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 7/4/2007 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear everyone

There are days when things between footballfan and myself are great and it feels like we can conquer anything, and this helps build my confindence up in both myself and our relationship. Then -as in -the last couple of days, things are very difficult to say the least. Footballfan struggles, of course, but what he struggles with the most (I think) are 1. his anger towards the other man...2. the fact that I brought the affair into our home...and 3. his uncertainty as to how he is suppose to stay married and cope with those feelings....feelings that will always be there.

I don't know what to do. I have committted to making myself someone I can finally be proud of. He supports me 100%, and is just trying to stay focused on me getting my life back in order. But he has admitted to having thoughts of getting me strong, so that I will be ok on my own. I know I have done everything wrong in the relationship. Since getting everything out, being dx'd and starting on some meds....I am trying to view things like I have a whole new start on life... as well as a whole new start on our marriage...and I'm not going to screw it up. Footballfan ( I believe) feels cheated from the past 20 years we have been together, because he doesn't know what to believe in. I don't know what to tell him....I feel cheated out of the last 20+ years as well, because I believed my way of thinking was "normal".

Days where footballfan is down ( and I completely understand this) I try to be strong, but it is so emotionally gut wrenching to see the pain that I have caused.
I believe I finally understand what love is....and this is what I feel for footballfan. I love this man, and I pray I will not lose my husband.

Any thoughts or advice?
Dutchie

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/4/2007 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Dutchie,

I'm glad you posted today, you've been in my thoughts.

I know that you are feeling extremely guilty over everything that has happened, and I also know that you are fearful of what the future holds, not only for yourself, but for your marriage.

You need to take this all one day at a time.  That saying used to annoy me, but now that I found my path to healing, I understand it, accept it and I am thankful for it because it allows me to focus.  You do in fact have a new begining for your life, a new start like you said.  Embrace it.  It's hard not knowing what will happen with you and your husband, because it sounds like you've come to the realization that you love him deeply and want him with you in your new life.

But try to focus on yourself and what you need to do to grow stronger to fight this illness and to learn who you are.  I know that's hard, I know you love footballfan so much, but the stronger you become the easier things will be for you down the road. 

I hope you're in touch with your counsellor and your pdoc is monitoring you closely.  Has your counsellor given you any feedback?  How often are your therapy appointments?

I hope this all works out for you the way you want it to.  Stay strong, and take things slow.  I hope I didn't make you feel worse, keep in touch...


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 7/4/2007 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogs: I appreciate your responses to our posts. My wife could really use a friend right now and even though you are who knows how many miles away you are being a great friend to her.

When this all came out Dutchie had spoke of not wanting to go through all of this and then lose me in the end. I have always turned her attention to focus on finding herself and dealing with all the problems so she can learn from past mistakes and have a productive, fulfilling life. I did mention to her last night that in the end I didn't see things working out for us but I couldn't bring that up because I needed her to stay focused on her needs. She said from the beginning that she knows me and she knows that I won't be able to get past any of this. She knows me well. I don't know what is going to happen from here. I know that I have felt awful for the past four months and I'm tired of feeling this way. These events have dominated me, they have affected my work, my sleep, everything. I'm just tired. The constant thought of what is happening while I'm at work drives me over the edge, we talk on the phone constantly for my reassurance but it still eats at me. Today I didn't return any of the phone calls. I just focused on my work so I didn't have to think about any of this and to try to make the 12 hours go by quicker. I don't know if it worked, I know I don't like feeling this way and have thoughts that maybe some time apart will do me some good. I don't know.

I have questions about rapid cycling. As we have said before, Dutchie doesn't show the obvious signs of manic or depression. I talked to our councellor the other day and she said that all the destructive behaviour was manic behavior. I guess my question is why would she act "normal" while I am around and then go manic as soon as I leave? I mean severe, damaging stuff that she could only do if I wasn't there. I look at this affair and I'm sorry but I see this as a regular, run of the mill affair. Bipolar may have affected her reasoning as to how she was feeling and to how she felt I felt but this comes down to morals doesn't it? I mean she had to know that this wasn't a great thing to help our marriage. She must have known that if it was found out it would be the end for us. Did she not care or did she think that it was worth the risk because I probably wouldn't find out? Well I found out. I don't mean to sound heartless but through all of this I have been lied to, decieved and tricked into believing everything was ok.

Mogs: Afew posts ago you said you didn't want to comment on our marriage because you don't know us. As far as I knew we had a good marriage, we worked towards the same goals and looked forward to the future, because Dutchie could never voice her true opinion on things and make decisions she wound up resenting me for things I thought we were both working towards. I am not a control freak, I am a supervisor of 25 people at my work, at times I think I need to think for all 25 so when I come home the last thing on my mind is being in control, I'm sick of it and I want Dutchie to make some choices. In a sense this made her face problems and she couldn't do it. She resented me even more because I am the only person in her life that has made her accountable for everything and have made her make decisions. I have tried to be a team player in this and it has exploded back at me. Please feel free to make any comments you want, it will not be taken as judgement but rather as a helpful point of view.

I love Dutchie and I want to help her as much as I can, but the pain sometimes becomes unbearable and I need to find a way to put an end to all of this. Any ideas?

 

 

 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/5/2007 3:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi footballfan,

I could not be happier to provide some comfort to you and to your wife.  This is a hard time I know.

I am glad that you are trying to get her to focus on herself.  I think that is a great idea, and I know she can do it, it takes practice, and also sometimes the bp symptoms can make it really hard for her to focus, so keep that in mind.  I know you understand she is going through a lot of emotions, so she'll get there, to that point where she is taking care of herself.

I know all of this is exhausting for you as well, and emotional.  You do need the reassurance, so I'm gald to see that you've both acknowledged that and are working on that for you.  If there are days that work maybe distracts you, then that's okay too.  I hope that you can find some time to try and breathe and relax so that you're not so worked up and upset, it's so hard I know.

I definitely agree w/what the counsellor said about the behaviour being manic.  I think I was saying that to you before, it's basically textbook.  Rapid cycling is something I can relate to because my episodes are changing all the time (rapid cycling is when episodes of mania, depression or mixed states occur four or more times per year).  The psychiatrist is the best person to talk to about her dx and her symptoms.  Counsellors do understand, but make sure you're really talking w/the pdoc.

As far as your point about her actions while you were gone being regular b/c of course she wouldn't do those things while you were there...that's true, it's only normal that an affair would take place when you're not around.  But like I said before, it's definitely manic behaviour, bipolar could definitely be behind what she did and what she was feeling.  Like you said, it definitely affects reasoning.  Morals, are lost or clouded from the symptoms sometimes and it's overwhelming.  I just don't know what the pdoc has said about her other symptoms...

I can tell you that when I'm depressed or even hypomanic, I don't really talk about it w/my bf at all, so maybe all along, she couldn't talk to you about what she was feeling.  She may have felt crazy or scared...I don't know for sure, but I think there was a lot going on inside of her.

And there is a lot going on inside of you right now.  A lot of pain.  Are you just seeing a counsellor together?  I think that's a great thing and needed, but I don't know if you could do any individual conselling on the side, to help you deal with all of this?  I don't know if that's something you would want to do, it just seems that you want to "put an end" to this stuff, and I think the only way to do that is to work through how you are feeling and what you want to do about it.  You can get past anything that you want to get past.

It's going to take Dutchie time to take care of herself and get a handle on everything.  She is worried about you I think, but that doesn't mean she can't focus on getting through her stuff.  You both care so much about each other and you are doing all of the right things, seeing professionals and posting on this site for some advise or ideas.

I would say maybe do some one on one therapy for yourself...What would you think of that?  Sorry if that doesn't sound like a good idea...I'm here if you have any more concerns or questions.

Take care, try to slow down, breathe, find some time to relax if you can, it's important.

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 7/6/2007 8:23 AM (GMT -7)   

I have been to the councellor once by myself. It is difficult to talk about how I feel and how I am dealing with everything, maybe eventually I can become more comfortable with this as I know I have issues to deal with.

You have it dead on about Dutchie not being able to talk about things. She talks a lot more now but in the past everything was avoided because that would bring her down and make her face facts. My mom (who is close to Dutchie) feels hurt that Dutchie wouldn't discuss any of these problems with her in the past. I have explained that Dutchie wouldn't talk to anyone not even me. We were at the councellors yesterday and I asked if Dutchie had been in a manic state for the past year as I never saw her get really down. It was explained to me that all the manic stuff was to keep her up and make it easier to avoid all the guilt and problems she had. It is difficult because all the stuff I read on the internet about bp is so black and white, it talks about symptoms and how she would act, sleep patterns, etc. The councellor and you Mogs talk to me about all the grey areas inbetween, this is very helpful for both of us to try to gain an understanding of this.

All of the avoidance of problems in the past, is this a symptom of bp or is this a different problem altogether?


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 7/6/2007 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday was an extremely tough day. I spent much of it in tears...and just not being able to control it. Footballfan's mood definitely is linked with my mood levels. I know this is something I need to get control of, and as I get stronger I believe that will happen, but right now if he is down (and he was really haviing a few difficult days) I fall into this pit...and yesterday I had overwhelming feelings of sadness I could not seem to escape from. Footballfan does get feelings of frustration with this becuase he feels like he is "walking on eggshells", and can't open up for fear that I will get into this crying state. I do not want him to feel he can't open up, regardless of how I react, I think the feelings need to come out. Mine come out in sadness,remorse and tears right now.

Another issue we are experiencing that I believe is frustrating for him, and quite honestly makes me feel a little dumb is the fact that when we talk about things I don't always have all the answers. Footballfan thinks with a very logical mind and has an excellent memory retention. My mind has been racing for so long that I honestly do not remember specific details on a lot of things. I will admit, I do not like to take about the affair or the other man. I am repulsed by it all now and it makes me very uncomfortable. When I can't offer up specifics or "why I did something OR how I was feeling"....sometimes I just can not provide answers for things. Like I said this frustrated footballfan, becuase he looks at things from his mindset and it is hard for him to understand. I have also expressed to footballfan my own concern/frustration because I feel like I don't have a lot of memeories from my past. I have some....but there just doesn't feel like there are a lot of memories from my past, like some people have. Does anyone else experience this kind of "memory loss" for lack of better words???

Like I have said before, there is still so much we are learning about bp, so anything that can be offered up is greatly appreciated.

Footballfan also worries about things like this happening again. I feel that because I have finally gotten rid of all the lies and garbage out of my life, I am
able to see things differently now. I no longer have anything to hide/run from. That is where I will take control to make good decisions for my life. I feel like I can take contol of the h-manic, and with meds and my support system behind me ,I am honestly not worried about making "bad" decisions. I am more concerned with being in a depressive state. I know that this is probably quite a normal phase to be in right now, given everything that I have purged....I just don't want to get stuck in it.

Advice that comes in is very much appreciated. Thanks for taking time to read.
Mogs...I'm prayin' for you. Try to share as much as you can with your bf. I'm sure alot of his frustration comes from not understanding bp and how it personally affects you,and simply fear. It is a pretty humbling thing for a man to be experiencing fear....so it is probably coming out as frustration, and if you are anything like me.....you are taking it very personally.
Trust and have faith in him (I will do my best to take my own advice as well)

Dutchie

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/6/2007 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Footballfan, I am going to address my post to you direcctly as a spouse to a BP of 15 years - like yourself. Clearly you are in the throughs of a lot of transition to your relationship. A lot of things that are newly in the "light", and each will need to be addressed and will take time to heal. Continue doing the work, but not just for your wife, for you too. The education about BP is needed for both you and your wife. It is good that you are also seeing the counselor on occassion individually. YOU need a voice here to. The most important thing that I have found is to be able to distinguish rationally my husbands behaviors. Determine the midline that the average person will experience about something or a situation, and if my spouse goes beyond that, by recognizing it, I can see what is speaking to me at any given moment - rational balanced thought, or BP. However, with that I will say, that when my husband OWNS his condition, recognizes for himself that he is a bit over the top about something and he says things like, "I don't mean to be so mad, it's not you...blah, blah...", type of things, it REALLY helps. So the more she can begin to see this play out, the better for you both.

You are NOT going crazy when you evaluate a situation and see that things don't match up, or feel blamed for something you didn't do - sadly it is a common feeling BP spouses have. Things will occurr that will drive you crazy like that. But the more you learn, communicate, see the cycles, etc....the easier it will get. But I will share with you. I use the word "easy" loosly. THis is never easy. But you are early in your wifes diagnosis, and it will take time to find the right meds, the right balances for everything, finding the right psychologist, psychiatrists, etc. to make up the families team for wellness - not just your wifes. But you are a father with a responsibiliity to hold your family together. I too have young kids (6 yr.old twins & 13 yr.old boy who's also a BP) so I know where you are if not by similar situation but by overall BP issues. We have been aware of my husbands BP for 8 years, and small bits and pieces to the puzzle from before. My best advise is to stay as grounded as you can. YOU will need support as the spouse and don't be ashamed to get it. Remember, you count TOO! Plus, you are on the team in your wifes wellness, while also supporting the kids in learning and understanding all this. It will take you time to learn how to work together on this. There will be good days, and plenty of bad to come. But hang in there for yourself, your wife, your kids. They are all depending on you to be the grounding force in all your lives. It is doable. There is forgiveness and a sense of balance that your lives will find again. It just takes time, patience, forgiveness, understanding, and honesty from ALL parties involved.

You can learn more about me and mine by reading more about my situation and details of my life from my posting string under anther topic that I started a while back called, "Living with bipolar spouse and need support". I don't know if anything I said would help you, but I thought it would be good to recognize you are certainly not alone. Give all of you time to heal and learn and grow in understanding.

LFW

LearningCoffee
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/6/2007 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
But, how can one rebuild the trust; especially, after many years. I feel like I have lost my wife and my best friend and the one person I could turn to to tell anything. The trust is totally gone. She can say over and over it won't happen again, but she said that two years ago - and she has cheated 6 times since. How coes one rebuild the trust when one keeps getting burned? Yes, I can tell myself she is ill - but that doesn't make me trust her any better!

LearningCoffee

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/6/2007 9:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Personally Learning Coffee I have not had to deal with infidelity. That is a bitter pill for sure. I have no answers for you on that perticular issue. However, BP or not, people are responsible for thier actions. It is what I am teaching my son who is also BP. With or without his meds helping, ultimately HE is responsible for his behavior and actions. When he messes up, HE needs to fix it. When the meds are working, they help give back more of the control to the person, but the WORK is still theirs to do. My husband is a grown man with BP so, he knows this already (whether he chooses moment to moment to behave as if he does).

Infidelity is infidelity to the spouse, BP or not. The pain is the same and if it is a chronic issue...make a choice for yourself. Work to make the healthiest choices you can for you, your spouse, and your kids if you have them. No matter what those choices are. That is all you can do. You do not need to chronically accept that pain and risk to yourself for diseases if you don't want to. It is sad that your spouse has BP. But, you did not give it to her. Unless she does not have the capacity to know right from wrong, which would need hospitalization and you would have bigger issues than infidelity, she is ultimately responsible for her actions in my opinion. And I don't mean to make light of anything. I know for a BP, there are daily struggles - with or without medication helping - and depending on the severity of the condition the struggles can go to extremes at times. But, in life, their are struggles we all face, and sometimes those struggles are big as well and we are all expected to produce basic responsible behavior. So only you can decide on your personal situation how you want to handle things. I just urge you to stay humaine, responsible and as forgiving as possilbe in whatever your choices are. If you stay forgive but don't excuse, and if you leave forgive, but don't excuse. Always act humaine and responsible. But you can care about you too! Happiness for you counts too! Only you know the right thing to do for you, and all those involved. LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/7/2007 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   

footballfan,

I just wanted to respond to your question about avoidance.  I think the avoidance comes from not wanting to deal, because it's "scary".  The symptoms, the guilt, the stress etc.  Especially the guilt part.

It is definitely a part of the bp.  Definitely. 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/7/2007 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Dutchie,

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, it could not be needed more.  You are in mine, depression is torture and completely painful, I am so sorry you are experiencing these symptoms.

You're doing great...I can relate to the memory loss, it's total confusion.  Just try to focus on what you know now, it's okay not to have all the answers and to say honestly "I don't know".  You are being honest.

Have to go, sorry so not well again today.  But keep posting, I'll be here.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--

New Topic Locked Topic Printable Version
75 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3 
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 8:11 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,318 posts in 301,103 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151244 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Wedge.
385 Guest(s), 14 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Bololidat, MDNative, Tagier, TOOTY, Vwblush, Scaredy Cat, Almost a 10, Charmed3, NevadaMike, pressurehead, brucen36, LiveJoy, Broncofan18, LanieG


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer