help a frustrated husband

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 7/8/2007 6:49 PM (GMT -6)   
As a wife recently dx'd with bp, I would desperately like to find some help/encouragement/understanding for my husband.  I had an affair which I am extremely remorseful for.  Not because I was caught, but because I did something I never believed that I could do.  I carried alot of garbage in my life that has finally been purged and bp or not I don't plan to get to such a state again.  I see that I have a chance at a new start in life and I don't want to lose again.  I know I have plenty to work on, but my concern is for my husband and our marriage.  He is going through a very difficult time with how to handle the fact that I had an affair.  He feels cheated from the last 20 years that we have been together because he feels he doesn't know me at all.  He is frustrated to be with someone he loves, yet causes him pain.  He doesn't believe he will ever get past the negative thoughts he has towards me and our marriage.  I keep urging him to try and look at it like we have a second chance.  I urge him for the safe of our two girls, I urge him because we love one another and I believe that is worth alot.
What I am looking for is any spouse that has been the one to suffer through an affair.  What did you do to deal with the anger and pain. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? (I know my husband does not see it right now) I realize no one forgets, but is it not possible for love and time to heal?  I know the cliche "time heals all wounds" ...but does it really?
He told me that since everything has come out, that really his plan was to get me on a better path and stronger...but that he did not see himself staying, because he doesn't believe he can get past the pain.  I am devastated at the though of losing this man.I love him deeply...but if I truly am going to be a source of pain for him throughout his life, I don't want that.
Please help

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 7/8/2007 11:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I wasn't the one that had the affair in my first marriage. It was my husband. Of course he lied, blamed the booze,etc. The first time I did let it go. I knew it meant nothing to him, and neither did she. In the end he came home to me, and she was forgotten.
The real issue with us wasn't the affair, it was learning to trust again. I have some serious trust issues anyway, so this was even more challenging for me. We were married another 8 years after his first affair, I even forgave a second, the third was the charm, and between that and alot of domestic violence I was gone.
With love anything can be forgiven, its the forgetting that gets tricky. I would recommend marriage counseling. I tried to get my husband in time and again, but he never wanted a stranger in our business. Maybe that would have made the difference. Perhaps it will for you.
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/9/2007 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Dutchi, maybe you should also seek some infidelity support group web sites, not just this one, since this in not soley a BP issue but a infidelity issue, as that is what it sounds like Footballfan is really struggling with. You can also see my last post to you on your other topic string. My thoughts and hopes are with you both.

Just a thought, could your pushing to view this as a second chance, feel to footballfan, that you are invalidating the fact that he has a right to his upset and pain over what feels to him like the betrayal of the last 20 years by your actions? Perhaps staying in the here and now might help? Dealing with THOSE feelings he is expressing? Just some thoughts that hit me when I read your post.

Lastly, anything either of you say right now is being spoken from pain, TIME is what you both need, and the proper help from a pro. So don't take what he says about not seeing himself staying because you will cause him to much pain in his memory of this incident as 100% truth. Yes, it feels like truth to him right now, but he is also speaking from the pain, and in the throws of it, one can't possibly know the long term realities. Just get down to the work and find a good professional fast.
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