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shine_on_u_crazy_dimond
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 7/8/2007 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
It's 4:35am, the day's just breaking. Everything outside looks grey. I cant notice the birds soaring or the tree's blowing, only the towering pylon above the graffiti stained houses.

Someone somewhere will be waking up after a sleepness night excited because today their getting married to someone they love, it's the biggest day in their life. Someone will be putting their jacket on and rushing to get their keys before they go out the door to work just now. Someone will be lying in the sun next a tranquil part of the planet.

I'm just sitting on the computer chair with the Bipolar blues.

Music's playing in the background, but my thoughts drown it out. It's bob dylan playing. There's an umcomfortable pleasure in feeling you can somewhat relate to what someone else says when in reality they probably mean something completely different.

If it's not my thoughts drowning out the music,it's the anxiety twisting somewhere deep in my stomach or the stress tugging and stetching the muscles at the back of my neck. In fact- I appreciate it when I can get a proper breath, most of my breaths seem like a desperate attempt to escape the world I live in.

I know the mood will pass, it always does. I don't know how many other people who suffer from BDD live in an unpredictable cycle of different moods daily?

Sometimes the thought passes me by that maybe I'm addicted to negativity. Nothing seems new anymore, just the same thoughts circling about.

It saddens me that this is my youth. But I choose to do what I do, I'm not controlled by remote though it would seem that way.

I just had a thought and completely lost it, even that is stressing me out, trying to cling and hold on to the thought. Ever get that?

I'm now feeling worse for only talking about myself. I'm tempted to count the amount of Time's I've used the word I in this post.

It's strange how communicating how you feel can help. The mood has almost lift itself up already. The music's got clearer the more my hands have typed. The album is about to finish right enough.

Think i'm finished writing now too. No message and no questions really, just what seems like a sad short story. I'm still sure it'll have a happy ending :)

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/9/2007 5:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Shine on,

I don't care how many times you used "I". Talking about it does help it feel better, which is why we're all here, right? And this is a particularly eloquent post. Thanks for sharing.

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/9/2007 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Shine,

Don't know if you saw my post about episodes...I sometimes can change daily, sometimes the depression part lasts months.
 
Glad you were able to write and feel better.  Sometimes I pull out some of my books about depression/bipolar and it somehow comforts me.  Sometimes writing helps, and reading this forum definitely comforts me.
 
Hope you're feeling better, definitely know how it feels to be constantly not stable with your mood.
 
 
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--

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