Need some Advice

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LabRaat
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/11/2007 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I am new to this, and my wife does boards all the time and it seems to help her. So I wanted to see if there was some help that I could get.

Anyway, my wife and I have been married for about 16 months now, and been together for over 4 years now. We have been fighting a lot because of some bad choices I had made through out our relationship and so she does not trust me. We have a 3.5 month old son, named Jackson, and we both love him so much. The problem is, I am bi-polar, and have never been good at taking my meds, and staying on them, I have been off for 7 months now and just starting back up. I have become more and more angry and frustrated with everything in my life and I take it out a lot on my wife. She constantly tells me that I am doing it and I do not see it. So it makes it harder for us to get along. I also have been getting frustrated with our son, and we are both afraid that I am going to hurt him with my anger. (not physically, but mentally with how I am and how I have been acting around the both of them.) My wife and I talked this morning and she told me that she may want to separate for a while and probably end up getting a divorce. I am so tired of hurting her and making her life so hard, but I can't get myself to let go. I keep trying to save our relationship, and make things better but I end up messing everything back up and making it all worse once again. So I wanted to get some advice to see if I should just separate with her and give her, her space, no matter how hard and how much it hurts me, to be able to see if that will help, or if anyone has any advice for me at all about any of this please let me know. I don't care if it is good or bad, I know that when dealing with anger and small kids, it will touch a lot of people the wrong way, and I just want to get help and be able to be a part of my sons life and hopefully be with my wife who I love.

Sorry I know that this is jumbled and probably confusing. Thanks for your help to anyone that replies.

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/11/2007 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi LabRaat,

Welcome to HW.  Your post wasn't confusing, so no worries.  It sounds like you really love your family and I hope that you can stay together as a family.  BP is not only hard on us, but on those around us.  I have been learning that for quite some time.  And then when trust issues are thrown into the mix, it makes everything even harder.

Irritibility/anger, are symptoms of BP for sure.  But I know you don't want to be taking that out on your wife and especially not the little one (Jackson is one of my favourite names :-) ).  Have you ever gone to counselling or better yet any support groups for BP?  I was in a support group for my BP and going at first was a bit awkward (even though I was very much used to therapy), but after a couple times and by the end, the group felt like a huge group of close friends.  We all taught each other so much, and the leaders of the group did too.  Just about how to cope with our symtpoms.  It might be really helpful for you.  And maybe that would make a difference in your marriage, I'm not sure. 

If your wife needs her space, as painful as it might be, it probably would be best to give that to her.  But maybe as a follow up to your conversation this morning, you could see if there is anything she wants or needs from you to make things right.  I'm not sure if you already talked about that.

Try to take care of yourself though.  The better you manage the illness, the better it will reflect on your family I can promise you that.

Take care, and keep posting.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


LabRaat
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/11/2007 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli:

Thank you for replying to me. I have been in counseling and therapy since I was 13. I am almost 23 now and to me it just seemed that it was a place that I could talk about my life and what is wrong, but nothing ever really got better. That is why I wanted to try this, as well. I am finally able to get my insurance set back up and look for a therapist to go to again.

I love my wife and son more than anything and I just hate seeing what I am doing in retrospect and seeing what I am doing to my wife. I know that it is hard to deal with someone that is going through this, cause my mom is BP as well and she went through a time of being constantly angry and upset. So I know what my wife is feeling. I just hate that I don't see it at the time and I don't realize until later. She is such a great person for even dealing with me and I love her even more for that.

Thanks again for replying to me and I am glad that I found this board.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/11/2007 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
LabRaat, I am a long time spouse to a BP2, rapid recycler. He has always stayed on his meds, and life is still difficult when he is not responsible about the BP fallout from low frustration and such. We also have 3 kids. But even after all this time, we are still learning and growing and this site does help. With that all said, I don’t have a lot of time and so I am going to jump in…

I hear you say that you love your wife, want to make it work, so I do have a suggestion for you. You can take it, or leave it…certainly YOUR decision. There is a thing in counseling for couples called an INTERVENTION SEPERATION. This 6 month separation has structure to it, and you would need to work with a professional who would guide you and work with you. The goal of it is to not in the end divorce, but to work your way through problems and bring your family and marriage back together. It takes committed work with a professional both individually, as a couple and as a family (although you child is obviously too young to participate).

NOW… based on what you shared…If you attempted this (AGAIN…ONLY WITH A PROFESSIONAL WHO IS TRAINED IN FACILITATING THIS) It would give your spouse the space she needs, give you both a comfort zone to help you both feel safe regarding your son, and it would give you the opportunity to step up to face what you need to do as well. And I am going to be honest here…It sounds like you need to TOTALLY take ownership and get the BP under control and do some work regarding being responsible about it, anger issues, etc.. The staying on your meds for yourself should be a non-negotiable agreement you have with yourself – and you should commit to keeping that agreement with yourself and DO IT – even if you think you don’t need to once you start feeling “better”. You are feeling that way because of the meds. If the meds aren’t working, or need adjusting…then YOU be responsible to ensure you work with your psychiatrist to get properly supported to be able to handle your life in a way that makes YOU proud. And if you don’t like what you see being reflected back at your from you wife…then work to see an image you can be proud of…no if’s, and’s or but’s….and you FIND a way to achieve this….no matter what. Then during this process, you work with your wife to salvage and save your marriage if she is willing. You work to rebuild trust. You demonstrate to both of you that you are capable of behaving and handling your life in a responsible adult way. You learn how to own when you mess up, and how to recognize when you are going too far and what to do to control yourself. You learn how to trust yourself to make the right decisions, for the right reasons…and that takes practice for all of us. Look, you both now have a child. You owe it to your son to try and both be the best you can. But…you’ve taken the first step by admitting that the work must start with you. So it is the first step in learning how to be proud of your self. Good Job. Now…keep doing the right thing and step by step you will get there. And if the intervention doesn’t work, and you don’t heal back together…you will have grown and changed in all the right positive ways and you will at least be able to work together with your spouse to be the best parents you can be for your son.

Good luck to your family. LFW

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 7/12/2007 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
LabRaat,
 
Welcome to HW, I hope you are finding the support you are looking for here.  :-)

~~~ Olivia  ~~~
Moderator, Bipolar

"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"
"The moon if always full, think about it."
Dx:  Bipolar I (mixed-episodes), PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder 
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joe1976
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/14/2007 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
labrat

Hello I am new to the forum too, although I am not married, I'm 30 this yr and had a wonderful woman who loved me and I mentally abused her most of the time not out of my own volition but out of sheer frustration of not having space. Yet, like you I was afraid of letting go.

Then the final thing came in: we saw my therapist/pdoc together and he explained to my gf that this illness is going to be with me for the long haul, and that I need a really strong person to handle me as I attempt to stabilise myself. Thus, although I just wanted breathing space, the relationship ended up in tears and separation. My pdoc then advised me to give grief 3 months to subside. It has only been 2 weeks and its torturous.

I can't even begin to imagine what your going through being married and with child. And I have no opinion of my own except what the doctor told me: "by giving my gf a break, you are taking a step forward by taking control of your life and through a decision based on love, releasing your gf from the throngs of your disorder. You will now have to garner the strength to heal yourself... for yourself, only then can you manage others..."

Just wanted to share... I empathise with you and though I'm in Singapore, I feel you close to me.
__________________________________________________________________
Bipolar Type 1
Social anxiety/agoraphobia
100mg Lamictal 3 times daily
500-600 seroquel at night
2.5mg diazepam 3 times daily, 10mg at night


roxyluvr
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/15/2007 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   

I can totally sympathise with the other side of this scenerio.  My (ex) boyfriend and the love of my life is misdiagnosed bipolar.  He knows there's something wrong, went to the doctor, and since he is not so extreme with his disease, is just being treated with depression and anxiety.  He mostly deals with anger and rage.  Though he has never (and would never) hurt me physically, emotionally he was terrible.  I am a strong woman who never put up with anyone who did me wrong.  However, he has broken me down so much that it is only since this last break up that I have opened my eyes. 

I'll be very surprised if he doesn't come back again (he always has), but this time, I don't think I can take him back.  He has to make some seroius changes on his own and take ownership for this problem to find the proper treatment.  I was more than willing to stand by him as all this was taken care of, but as soon as the doctor hinted that he wasn't bipolar, it was law. 

The doctor sees him once every 6 weeks...I see him every day.  No, i'm not a doctor so I can't make a clinical diagnosis, but I see what I see and i'm the one who is emotionally abused, not him.  85% of the time, things are magically perfect.  The remaining time, I want to jump out a window.

If I can give you any advice here, swallow your pride and figure this out.  If you have to go to 2, 9, 12 doctors, find one that works and be willing to do whatever it takes to get this fixed.  Sit down with your wife and complile a list of things that you do while in these moods and take it with you.  That way, it's right in front of you and you don't have to try to remember important details when put on the spot.  I can guarantee you, she loves you more than anything in this world, but there comes a point that basically, she can't love you anymore if you don't love yourself first.
 
Do this for you and do it for your family.  Take charge and don't stop being proactive until the sitauation is under control.  You have it in you...just do it.
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