I feel like running away

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joe1976
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/16/2007 2:17 AM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes the inertia drives me mad during depressed moments like this. It reaches a boiling point that I just pack up and leave for a short trip out of the country... maybe for just 3 or 4 days...

what frustrates me is coming back on the plane, teary eyed.. feeling more alone than ever...
and then when rock bottom is coming up as the tears won't stop, I end up wishing I was not 'here' but somehow even though I know escaping isn't helping... I just ruminate and ruminate and think about leaving... "anything is better than this" I would say...

its hard in the dumps. Its hard to post something hopeful for me. I really wish I could communicate more positively. I've been reading the depression and bipolar forums and am simply amazed by the strength my fellow sufferers have... and their insight is inspirational. I know I shouldn't feel bad about being negative... but I am. Guilt is my greatest problem... after all the damage my manic episodes have created, after all the failed relationships... all the stupid narcism... I can't even bear to see my psych now because I don't seem to be improving... and so in a panic I just want to pack up and leave the nothingness behind... only to find it follows me wherever I go

things get better right? I just can't see it now
__________________________________________________________________
Bipolar Type 1
Social anxiety/agoraphobia
100mg Lamictal 3 times daily
500-600 seroquel at night
2.5mg diazepam 3 times daily, 10mg at night


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 7/16/2007 7:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes they do get better. I'm just coming out of a 10 month depression I really didn't think I'd survive. Wasn't even sure I wanted to. I know that feeling of needing out, wanting to run away. I even took up smoking again after quitting for 5 years, so I could sit on the front porch for a few minutes a day and everyone would just quit talking to me.
Don't give up on the pdoc. I quit therapy when my depression began because I simply couldn't bear to talk to anyone. I didn't feel like anything would help. That was a huge mistake. Maybe if I'd stayed in therapy my depression may have been resolved much sooner.
Hang in there. Post alot if it helps. This place has pulled me through alot of rough times, and sometimes just knowing you're not the only one can make the difference.
Ellie
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
 


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 7/16/2007 6:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Joe,
 
Hang in there, this too shall pass.  I feel that way these days, I think I am trying to fight off my depression.  I wouldn't say I am fully depressed, but I definetly am in a funk.  I feel like escaping from what is called life everyday, but as you said you can't go on vacation alone.  Because the part of you that wants to escape will go with you everywhere you go.
 
As Ellie said, don't give up on your therapist or your Dr.  Even if you feel like it is not helping.  All things take time.  Even though it may not feel that was to you.
 

~~~  Olivia  ~~~
Moderator, Bipolar

Dx:
 
Bipolar I, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Sufferer
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"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


joe1976
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/16/2007 8:34 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you olivia and thank you ellie

I really can't see a way out of this... guess its the condition and the fact that my will is all too low. I can't imagine going through this for months on end. But I won't give up on therapy... though I just can't talk...

I'm closed off bottled up and feeling like a complete failure.

I watched this kid on television, he is blind and crippled but he was bursting with life... and I just felt so guilty for feeling the way I do... able bodied but depressed... and here is someone who is physically disabled in so many ways but he gives hope and is so bright... and cheery.

It made me cry... I don't deserve to live... waste of space: those were my thoughts at the moment...

Thank you both.. wish there was someone I could hold, but yet not burden

yours sincerely

Joe
__________________________________________________________________
Bipolar Type 1
Social anxiety/agoraphobia
100mg Lamictal 3 times daily
500-600 seroquel at night
2.5mg diazepam 3 times daily, 10mg at night


White Tulip
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/28/2007 8:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Joe,

I think you may have posted on other message threads since this posting, but I just wanted to check and see how you were doing.  Hope you are feeling less bottled up and guilty.  I think I remember reading that you were seeing a therapist  . . . I hope that is helping you. 
 
I am Bipolar I as well and really had a hard time with guilt re: the actions and behavior following manic episodes.  Took a lot of processing with a therapist to be able to make peace with that period of my life.  Still comes back to haunt me sometimes, but much less.  I had to forgive myself.  Hope this helps.
 
Hope all is well and you have been feeling better this past week.

White Tulip
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