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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/9/2007 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I can't keep all of this in any longer.  I do have counselling tomorrow afternoon, but that seems so far away.  Things have been so hard lately, even though I got the best news ever with my funding for school approved, and me starting class next Tuesday.  Things between me and my bf have been a mess; up and down.  The last couple of fights we've had have left me heartbroken.  On top of all this, I am also worried sick about my sister right now b/c she is leaving her abusive boyfriend (they have a 1 yr old son together).  She kicked him out a few days ago, so it's been agony, I live over an hour away from her.
 
So much stress.  It's no wonder I am deeply deeply depressed today.  I feel like there is no hope.  And what's worse-Yesterday was my orientation day at school.  Guys-I cannot tell you what I great day I had.  True, it all left me feeling pretty high, but I was so happy underneath all of the euphoria.  It was such a great feeling to be grinning ear to ear and feeling so proud of myself.  Then my bf came home and he just didn't seem to be happy for me that I had such a wonderful day.  It seemed like something was wrong with him or even that he was upset with me.  He's outraged that I felt that way about yesterday-that I thought he wasn't sharing in my happiness.  He swears he was, but it didn't feel like it at all. Then came our fight (second huge on in one week) and it was all night long.  I am exhausted today.  He said hurtful things, he yelled at me (even though I've asked him not to do that) and he was making me feel horrible for things that he has done wrong.  My bipolar wasn't really the issue last night.  He lied to me a week ago about something that has left me having some trust issues with him, and he's angry about that, and thinks that I should trust him now b/c he apologized and told me the truth after he lied.  He didn't cheat on me, it was nothing like that.
 
When he yells, when he gets angry at me, I wonder why he is with me.  Why he wants our life together.  I am trying so hard to always manage my illness and the way it affects our relationship.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I can't take much more hostility.
 
I cannot believe the happiness, extreme happiness I felt yesterday and how it all came crashing down like the biggest force on the planet.  I've never had a crash hit me so hard.  That was going through my mind last night as we were fighting, and it made me sob.  How could I feel so good and then be yelled at like that all in one day?
 
I am beyond sad today.  I have no one to talk to.  My one girlfriend is away right now.  I feel so alone. sad


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--

Post Edited (mogli) : 8/9/2007 10:52:07 AM (GMT-6)


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 8/9/2007 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time mogs. I remember when I was a child and I was in a fabulous mood, higher than a kite, (and undiagnosed) my mother always looked worried. When I asked her one day what was wrong, she told me that it frightened her when I felt that good. That the next day was always hell for me. I've done it all my life.
Can you get away for awhile. Away from all the hostility, just for a break to regroup? I think it might really help. Is there a family member you could stay with? Stress is a trigger and the less of it you have to deal with the better.
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
 


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 8/9/2007 1:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I also am going through a low time right now as Footballfan is having strong feelings of leaving. It is so difficult to think clearly when one is down so low. I am hesitant to give you any type of advice, because of where I am at right now. But you are not alone,....talk to us as often as you need to. Supporting one another is what we do right?

I'll tell you (and this is my opinion) Unless you are in a situation where your bf is harming you, try to tough it out. Since all this came out with Footballfan and I, there have been a few occasions where one of us has wanted to leave. We were always encouraged by our councellor to stay in the same house. Try to work through the feelings. If one of you leaves, the other will inevitably likely feel like that person is giving up. If you don't want to give up, then don't. I know how aweful things can get, sometimes I feel like my mind is going to snap. But, this is the first time I feel focussed with all of my heart and I am not going to give up.

Perhaps.....perhaps the frustration your bf is feeling comes from.....Again I don't know how this situation played out.....but if you have been down for a while, and then have this day out at this orientation and come home so happy...perhaps his frustration/anger comes as a form of jealousy in a sense. HE wants to share those happy times with you. Perhaps he also just simply had a bad day, and these things on top of everything escaladed his bad feelings. You have said many time how much you know he loves you, that won't die because you had a good day or he had a bad day. ( it is difficult to believe in the strength of love in bad times, but I am learning the depths of what love really is,finally!!)

Do your best to communicate when you are both ready. And if you are not talking, there is nothing wrong with just offering each other support and companionship.

I will talk to you again soon.
Try to stay focussed on positive things, remember baby steps/small hourly goals, if that is what you need. I know when I am low this is when those small goals are so necessary. I get looking ahead to a whole day and it looks impossibe to get through. Keep your focus close!!

Dutchie

Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/9/2007 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mogs

Very sorry to hear that you are struggling. I think dutchie has something there re your bf response to your good day out, it is not your fault but I can understand it as I felt the same way yesterday and it is difficult to explain things clearly but I think that his reaction could be to do with some strange jealousy that it was something external and NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM that made you feel so very good.

I had the the same day yesterday. My hubbie has been seriously depressed for about 7 months now and I feel like however hard I tried to help nothing I could do would make him feel any better. He actually went out to do some work for a new client over the past couple of days all day without me which is very rare as we work together and usually handle most jobs together. Anyway he came home and was really on top of the world, he had gone from being dangerously low for weeks on end to a high which usually takes weeks to gain momentum.

You would think I would have felt very happy for him after praying for weeks that an upturn would happen well I have to admit that although I was I also felt upset that something totally external which had nothing to do with me had made him feel good when I have been 'suffering' for months with him. Typing this I think it is a little 'sick' to feel this way and it surprised me and I felt bad for feeling this way and actually quite resentful which is odd. I didn't get into an argument like you too as that is not me but there was definately a little low level resentment and lack of excitement simmering away whilst he was telling me all about it for the evening in a very excited way. I was totally fed up as had spent the whole long day being anxious (I suffer sometimes from anxiety/panic attacks) stuck in the house with no car (we don't live anywhere near close to walking distance or bus within the shopping centre) which is wrong I know, but you feel how you feel.

These are just my immediate thoughts today and obviously my own opinion and I thought I would jot them down as it could be what your bf was feeling although I am sure he (and I) would never actually say that this is the real reason as it makes us look a little sad as I did want to share that day with him like Dutchie said.

Anyway, hope you have a better day today and hope this helps.

Honey Bee

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/9/2007 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Ellie, Dutchie, Honey Bee--

You are all sweethearts for reaching out to me today.  I needed it, so thank you from my whole heart.

My bf came home from work today looking just as depressed as I was.  We both sent emails to each other today while he was at work saying "I love you."  But when he got home, he was sad like me.  He's playing baseball right now.  Just before I dropped him off at ball, we talked.  Dutchie, you know from what I've said that he loves me deeply; I can still say that.  We talked about what happened last night, what's been happening.  I did tell him that I don't want to be yelled at anymore, I am tired of fighting.  What's really going on is that when he does something wrong, he gets angry with me.  I didn't say that to him word for word, but I did tell him that I felt he had no reason to be angry with me last night-b/c he was the one that did something wrong.  I just don't want to not stand up for myself.

Honey Bee & Dutchie-you definitely could be right about how he was feeling when I was so happy yesterday.  And to be honest, I would understand that if that's how he was feeling.  Ellie, I was definitely thinking about your advice even before I read it.  Getting away, staying with my Dad or something.  Or staying with my sister, since she needs someone now too.  But I know I would want to come back to him...I don't like being away from him.  But I think that was truly sound advice, and maybe I should try to do that sometime, so thank you.

My bf hugged me and kissed me and asked if we could start over tonight.  I hope we can just be the amazing couple we are.  There are always going to be troubles, but we really are amazing together.  We love each other so much, and there is no way that either one of us is going to give up or even wants to.

Today was just so extremely hard b/c of course this was a major stressor that triggered symptoms.  Thank you all so much for taking time for me today.  You're all in my thoughts. 

Dutchie, hang in there.  Post if you need comfort.  I'll be online tomorrow watching for you.  I am thinking of you.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/10/2007 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Mogli

Just wondered how you were doing now? Did you have a better day also yesterday?

Honey Bee

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/10/2007 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Just to remind you Mogli:

You do deserve to be happy and proud of yourself for going back to school, even if it temporarily upsets the balance at home. Things will balance out.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/12/2007 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Guys,

Last couple of days have been pure exhausting.  Friday I was non-stop busy, and same with yesterday.  So, I am really really tired. 

I had counselling on Friday, and told my counsellor everything about my bf yelling at me during fights, and that I'm tired of being yelled at, and always being the "scapegoat" as she called it, for him whenever he does something wrong.  She told me "you're in an abusive relationship, you realize this?"..."he's bullying you"...That was all hard to hear.  I was in an abusive relationship before him (physically and emotionally) so to even consider that this relationship is abusive was really hard for me to accept.  There are many different degrees of abuse, and yes when he's yelling at me I feel it a bit.  I feel it with the anger.

So, my counsellor told me to leave the house the next time we fight and he starts yelling.  She told me to make it clear to him "you're yelling at me, so I am going to leave for half an hour, then I'm going to come back.  If you start yelling again when I come back, I will leave again for another half hour...etc".  She said this would be helping him as well as myself.  So we'll see...I'm definitely going to try it.

My bf has been great to me the last couple of days.  I love him.  I just hope we can get through this all.  I hate feeling sad, and confused; especially while trying to battle my sypmtoms.  It's been extremely hard managing my mood lately.  I don't feel so great today.

Anyway, thank you for all of your support.  I start school on Tuesday (2 days) and yes, that will bring balance, and hopefully some peace.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 8/12/2007 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Listen to your councellor. Being verbally abusive can be much more damaging than physical abuse. Your probably thinking that I shouldn't be giving advice on this topic with all the negative things you have read through my postings, but understand, my postings generally don't reflect the entire nature of our relationship. Dutchie and I do get into a lot of negative discussion, but it is never done through yelling. As I need to learn to acknowledge Dutchies feelings so your bf needs to learn that your not going to accept being yelled at, this can only be done through communication. I never knew Dutchie felt so strongly about certain things until she finally came out and told me. Make it clear that if it's going to be a fight then he needs to fight fair. Being louder doesn't make him right.

Good luck at school. I know you will do great.

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/13/2007 5:56 AM (GMT -7)   

footballfan,

Thanks for taking the time to post for me.  I am trying to have as much faith as I can that things are going to get better between me and my bf.  These fights that we've been having lately have been hard, but neither one of us wants to give up.  I believe he will realize how much the yelling hurts me and that he'll stop, and I think me leaving the house when it happens will make that process easier. 

Yesterday I was a mess.  My mood was pretty low and I was trying really hard to fight it, not let it get out of control.  But the irritability got the best of me a few times, I was even crying off and on--and my bf was pretty supportive.  I kept apologizing for my symtpoms and communicating with him that what was happening was indeed, symptoms, that were really intense for me yesterday.  I think he understood that actually.

Tomorrow is my first day of school.  I just know this is going to be a great change for me.  My bf feels the same way, and cannot wait to see me feeling better.  We are sure it's going to help me feel a bit better, maybe a lot better.  We talked yesterday about how my symptoms are going to make things challenging for me (concentration on studying, getting tired, maybe some stress w/marks and exams); but all in all we both feel it's going to be very positive.  I have been in this house (trying and doing okay at keeping busy) since January.  So, tomorrow has been a long time coming.  I am excited, I get to wear hospital scrubs everyday at school (my program is Medical Office Assistant) and the scrubs are mandatory.  :-)    I went and picked up my first pair on Friday, and they look awesome!  So excited....I will keep everyone updated.

Anyway, thanks again for your support.  I was glad to read about Dutchie and your girls yesterday as well.  It was really nice to read.  Take care of each other.  Hope you are doing well today.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 8/13/2007 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,how bad do you really want to be in that abusive relationship??I was married to a man who blamed me for everything & I don't have BiPolar.It was heck to live like that so I got out!
SnowyLynne


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 8/14/2007 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs

Good luck today at school!! I will be thinking of you and continue you send you good wishes. Try to concentrate on this good thing in your life. Try not to worry about the relationship stuff right now as you get settled. I believe if you are in an abusive situation that yes you should get out. However just be careful that it is not the bp blowing things up worse than they may be. I don't want you to deny a bad situation , if that is what it is, but for me, because of the bp, I believed I was in a horrid situation as well. I blew everthing out of proportion.

I would hate to see you miss out on a good thing because the bp was hindering your thinking. Deal with school while you are at school, and make sure you don't fall behind with schoolwork. Make sure you keep some home time devoted to getting that done as well, or library time if that is easier. And give the relationship time as well. Make sure you are in a clear state when you make your decisions.
Keep in mind, although your bf is supporting you, he is still likely having to adjust and get used to this new phase in your lives. Talk, talk, talk, it is what will be the foundation to your relationship if it is meant to be.

Best wishes Mogs!

Dutchie

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/14/2007 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Good luck today Mogli! The key to it all is your being proud of you, and going back to school is a great thing. So your pride meter should be through the roof!!! Keep yourself focused like Dutchie said on what you need to do to be successful with school. That must come first.

As to BF, if you run into problems, consider some counseling to assist you both in your communicating styles with each other. Perhaps your counselor will see you, or refer you to someone who specializes in communication issues? As Footballfan said, if you must fight, because after all...couples sometimes fight...make sure you are both fighting fair. And if one or both of you don't fully know what that means...as many don't...go learn how together. For you that may mean no yelling - but a person may be able to be abusive without ever raising their voice. For him it may mean something different. So until you both understand techniques of how to vent, get the feelings out, say it all while being responsible in the words and tone chosen - while still honoring the anger one may feel inside at that moment...etc, it may not be something that becomes satisfying to both of you to feel as though you either "really" got it out, or was "really" heard. Does that make sense?

Keep up the great work Mogli. LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/16/2007 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Guys--I have been so busy with school and stuff, I am exhausted! 

SnowyLynne--Thank you for your post.  My relationship with my bf is a wonderful one, really.  Yes, he yells at me when we have big fights, and if it doesn't stop then we will take the next step, whatever that might be.  If he was calling me names, or if he was hitting me, I would not stay for a second.  It doesn't mean the yelling is okay, but it does mean that we can work on this.  He knows it's awful and I know we'll get through this.  So I will be staying with him, we love each other. 

Dutchie & LFW--I did manage to read your posts after I was home from my first day of school, so I was super touched that you guys thought to write me on that day.  Thank you.  Both of you had such thoughtful things to say about me and my bf as well, I appreciate that.  We have actually been talking a lot, he's been encouraging me to talk to him when something is bothering me.  We haven't had any fights lately.  He did say he has issues (bottling up his stresses and issues, then taking it out on me) and that he wants to fix them; work on them.  Right now, school and my health have taken up the number one spot on my priority list.  I am suffering already from lack of sleep.  So this relationship stuff is going to have to get better, 'cause I have a lot to do.  And I know we will get better with time, and talking.  And some counselling.  He may go back into couselling sometime.  That is something he has to want to do.  Anyway, I have to go lay down for a bit.  You are both in my thoughts, take care.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/17/2007 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so glad to hear that things are already going well at school Mogli. Just a reminder that sleep deprivation is a key trigger for new episodes, so even if it's really hard, try and be vigilant about making time to sleep. :)

serafena (mother-at-large)
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/18/2007 7:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks serafena.  I am trying really hard to get sleep, my insomnia is making it difficult though sad
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--

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