I'm Not Doing Good at All

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Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/28/2007 4:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been depressed all month. I've been tracking my mood for August and it's really bad. I have not woken up one day thinking wow this is going to be a good day. I'm so tired. I'm not sleeping well. Even when I do sleep well, I'm still tired. My head constantly hurts.
 
I feel like there is no hope since I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I think I need some sort of anti-depressant but I know they wont prescribe that w/o a mood stabilizer.
 
I never feel normal anymore. I hate this. I still go to work and am able to function that way but the minute I come home I'm miserable again. Even when I am at work I'm so tired and just hope that no one wants to talk. I'm usually very chatty.
 
I see my new therapist on Wednesday of next week and her specialty is bipolar so I'm looking forward to that. I also see my prescribing Dr on Tuesday.
 
I still haven't been able to take my 25mg of Seroquel as needed because I have this horrible vision that it will make me go to sleep and I will never wake up. I've only taken my Klonopin 3 times in the 2 1/2 months I've had my prescription. 
 
I'm afraid my doctor will give up on me like my last one did since I'm to freaked out to take my meds.
 
I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I need something but I don't know what. I'm definately taking a klonopin tonight because I feel horrible today.
 
Does anyone have any advice? Or support. I really appreciate it. I feel very lost and hopeless.
 
Sorry if this post is too long.

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/28/2007 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Poor Zomese. Hang in there. You're fighting through a hard time with no back up, so to speak. But you're gonna be okay.

What exactly is it about the meds that freaks you out so much? Can you explain it or is it is too personal?

You say you have this horrible fear about the Seroquel that you're afraid it'll put you to sleep and you'll never wake up. That is extraordinarily unlikely. I once had a friend try to kill herself with Seroquel by taking a handful and she passed out, but she didn't die. (She did have her stomach pumped and she was forcefed charcoal, but that's another icky story.) She's better now because she takes her meds regularly. Why not try taking 1/2 a pill or a 1/4 of a pill and see how you feel. Then if it's okay, maybe you can work up to a whole pill over time.

Try talking to your doctor and your therapist about your fears about taking medication. Hopefully both will be more sympathetic than your last doc and help you work through it, because it really sounds like you could use them right now.

We're all here for you though. If you feel down, come chat with us. I'll put on my daughter's silver plastic tiara (she calls me Queen Mom) and do the twist to the GoGos. What else do you need?

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/28/2007 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
For some reason the Seroquel scares me the most. I suppose it's because I've had it so long and I've built it up in my head all the things that can go wrong. I've heard so many bad things about it.
 
I was thinking about maybe cutting the 25 mg dose in half and taking 12.5 mg the first time just to see how I react. Not tonight though, I just took a klonopin about and hour ago so atleast my anxiety is under control for now, but I don't want to mix the medicines.
 
How long will it make me sleep if I just take 1/2 tomorrow night. I have a co-worker coming over Thursday morning and I don't want to be all foggy. Also will that little of a dose help with the depression?
 
Thanks

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/28/2007 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Zomese, Up front I say to you that I am not a BP. I am a spouse to a BPII, and a mother to a BPII/ADHD. From my experience, seeing both my husband and son with this condition, it is the proper balance of the right medications, with the proper regular therapy, and the commitment to remain on your meds that makes all the difference. The fact is, you have a mood disorder with additional complications of panic and OCD. WITHOUT the proper meds, you will not control your brain chemistry...it will control you…you will always be chasing your tail. Although yes, there are some things you can do to help yourself in the meantime...Yoga, meditation, therapy, etc.

However, I can say for sure, based on personal experience, that neither my husband nor son could be at choice about their behavior without the meds. But with them, every day like clockwork, they are in the driver’s seat of their lives. Is it easy...never! But it is the meds that give the control back to them (and one day you if you take them consistently). The fallacy is to think that when you are feeling better you don't need them anymore. That is backwards...it is because you take them consistently that you feel better..."normal", without them you wouldn’t feel this way. So...as a mother, a wife and a HW support person, I say to you... Get your fears in check and take the meds prescribed for you, see your new doctor and tell the total truth about everything and they will help you if they are good – replace them if they don’t listen or “hear” YOU. They will prescribe meds...keep a journal of how you are doing every day on them and be willing to get through the side effects stage to see if they will work for you, if they don't after that...talk to the dr. They will change them around until the two of you find the right meds and doses. Both my H and S take mood stabilizers AND anti-depressants. Additionally my H takes anti-anxiety meds, and my S takes ADHD meds that a BP can because he also has that. They are both quite normal and when they go "off" as it were because of the condition, they are capable of manually regulating themselves if they want to, because the meds have allowed them that power. Both are leading normal consistent lives...YOU CAN TO. You will experience happiness again if you are brave with all this and commit to staying consistent. It is critical!!!! Hang in there and focus only on the end goal. A normal happy balanced - you in the drivers seat - life...NOT the other way around with the BP controlling everything. Good luck...I believe in you and know you can do it.

Lastly, I know you are scared, but take the fear with you and do what you know you need to do to get well anyway. Manually override the “feelings”…just do it. Help is on it's way next week with the doctors (also see a therapist and join a support group for mood disorders with a GOOD leader). Until then, keep reaching out when you need the extra support, we are here for each other… LFW

Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/28/2007 10:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zomese

Just wanted to give you some positive feedback about the Seroquel. My hubbie has been taking it for the past few weeks to help him sleep etc. and it has been an absolute godsend to him. Prior to taking it he had not slept more than 3-4 hours a night for the past 6 months.

I too freaked out a bit when I read about Seroquel (on the web) but in the end I thought how bad can it be for him bearing in mind his current state so he started taking it. He only takes 1 tablet before bed but he has been doing this every night for a few weeks and has had absolutely no side effects or problems with it. In fact he has tried lots of other remedies all of which made him wake up late and feel like a zombie the next day but with this one he wakes up feeling refreshed and ready to go.

I know that there are lots of people who have had bad experiences with Seroquel but my hubbie hasn't so I suppose what I am saying is give it a go, if you have been properly prescribed it. If you don't like it or it has a bad effect on you you can always stop taking it.

All the best

Honey Bee

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 8/29/2007 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Zomese,
 
Does your seroquel have a score so you can break it in half?  If not, you are not supposed to cut it in half and may not get full effects of the med.  I would consult with your doc or pharmacist before doing so.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar 1, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/29/2007 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
There's no way to say how long it'll make you sleep, Zomese. Everyone reacts differently. You'll have to experiment. Maybe try it on a night when you don't have something happening the next morning.
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/29/2007 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
When I told my doctor that I was too afraid to take 25mg she said I could cut it in half and take 12.5 even though the pill is so tiny.
 
I woke up fine today (actually happy), but by 11:30am my moods have been from happy & cleaning to yelling at my husband over phone and now crying and frusterated with anxiety in my chest. Now I'm so freakin irritated I don't know what to do.
 
What if I take 12.5mg of seroquel at 5pm will I be ok by tomorrow at 11:00am. Will it help with what I'm going through? I feel like I losing it. I need to do something. I'm getting desperate.
 
I don't want to call my doctor because I know they will just say take the seroquel and you will be fine & alert in the morning. I don't believe them. I want someones experience who has actually taken it.
 
I hate this so much. I just wish I could be normal again. I hate being so hopeless & helpless.

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/29/2007 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Zomese,

You said that you want somone's experience who has taken it, I posted a couple of posts above your last one with some positive feedback, not sure whether you notice it.

Honey Bee :-)

Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/29/2007 7:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Honey Bee, I did read your post and it was very encouraging. I just have a serious
"medicine paranoia" as my very 1st doctor put it before she became frusterated with me and said she didn't know what else to do to help me.
 
I think I may take it once and see what happens. Maybe on Sunday or Monday.
 
I'm at a loss. Maybe I'll just wait to see my doctor next week and see what he says.
 
Thanks

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/29/2007 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
No problem Zomese.

My hubbie has an issue taking his BP meds (or any meds indeed, really does not like to take them, although he does not have the 'medicine paranoia' of taking them so is obviously different to your case.

Like you say take one and see what happens, best on a day where you don't particulary have to been anywhere early in the day or do anything too mentally taxing maybe?

Keep us posted on how you go.

Take care

Honey Bee

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/30/2007 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Zomese, I have never slept that long on one 25 mg. If you take it at 5 pm, you should be prepared to go to sleep then. Why not more like 8 and you should still be fine by 11 the next morning. Especially if you're only taking 12.5.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/30/2007 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Serafena. Thats what I was hoping to hear. I may do that tonight. I ended up taking a klonopin last night at 6pm and was out by 8pm. I must have been exhausted from all my mood swings yesterday.
 
I woke up today at 6:55 feeling good. My friend will be here at 11:00 so hopefully being social will keep me in a good mood.
 
I have to be at a meeting tomorrow at 8:40am but maybe I'll just skip that and take a seroquel tonight and go in at noon. I'm going to try not to think about it anymore and just set a day to take it. But it must be before my appt. next week because if I don't like it then I need to ask for something else.
 
Thanks for everyones help, I really appreciate it.

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/30/2007 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Zomese, do you think your "medicine paranoia", as you put it, is rational? I can certainly understand the fear, I didn't react well with a few medications in my lifetime that I was told to take, but...when asked to take them again in other forms (or they were switched to something else) I too panicked for a bit until I used my rational mind to override my fears. There have been times I just had to take things it if I wanted to get better, so my rational mind stepped in, calmed me down, and I took it in its new form or tried a different one. I kept a support system around me if things went wrong, and did what I had to do until I overcame my fear about it and saw I would be fine. My point, make a conscience choice for yourself that gets you to your end goals - strong and balanced with no more mood swings, panic or OCD running your life; YOU in control of it. Then when fear comes up...you CHOOSE to control it, it does not control you. It sounds to me that your fear right now is running the show…Is that what you want? Taking your meds will be your best option to wellness because inconsistent med taking is counter productive all around...don't you think?

Here’s another way to think of it...would you deny yourself insulin if you were a diabetic who needed it? No, you wouldn't. This is NO different than that. And you would need to work with the various insulin styles to find the system that works best for you…etc. Again…this is NO different, you just need to allow yourself the opportunity to find the right combo of meds and "give yourself your insulin every day". The conscience choice must be yours…not your fears, and unless you make it, all the “gathering” of information from others about “their” experience with it will not successfully change that. Plus, no matter whom you are, your system will react to things in its own way. When I was in pre-labor, my doctor knowing I had an unusual system gave me the medication almost NO ONE can take without negative side effects making them miserable…I ended up doing great on it and never had ONE side effect. So you see my point, YOU have to strive for your wellness which means take that medications and you will see. If you are married, take it when your spouse is around. If you are single, ask a friend to stay over if you don’t have a significant other. If you are close with your parents or siblings…go and stay with one of them for a few days. My point…then you are not alone and you can outsmart your fears. Make sense? Good luck Zomese, I know you are strong enough to conquer your fears...because that is all they are...fears. LFW

Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/30/2007 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   

That is a very good point. Your absolutely right. Rationally I know that I will be ok but yet I still can't get over the fear. I know even if I don't like the medicine it will ware off eventually.

What I'm afraid of is that I will lose control and not be able to control my behavior or thoughts. I think I just fear the loss of control over my own brain. It freaks me out that once I have the pill in my mouth thats it, I have to go through whatever it does to me until it wares off. It's a struggle to even keep the pill down. I have to force myself to not try to vomit it back up. Usually after I take a new med, my hubby watches me like a hawk to make sure I don't go near the restroom.

I think the fear stems from when I was prescribed my very first med which was Risperdal w/ cogentin. I had such a horrible experience with it. It was so bad that I would scrub my hands first, open the rx bottle pour 1 tablet in my left hand and with that hand put it in my mouth and get a clean fresh cup of water with the right hand. I could not use the same hand that I touched the bottle with to put the med in my mouth, or to drink from the cup.

Then I would go all the way to the other side of the house where I kept my cogentin and repeat what I said above in a different room. I could not take the pills in the same room otherwise I thought I took two of one and none of the other. I would also keep all the cordless phones near me incase I had to call 911.

That was when I finally got up the nerve to take it. I sometimes would stare at the bottle for hours, picking it, putting it down until I would finally just take it. I went through this with every single dose.

So anyway, I sorta put the Seroquel in that same class of med, because that's what was prescribed next. I think they are similar meds. I have taken other meds, but this one especially scares me.

 


Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/30/2007 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay Zomese --
 
I wish I would have gotten to this post sooner than today. 
 
So--you and I have this whole "the meds are extremely hard on us" thing in common.  And in all truth, it's not to be taken lightly.  It is rational and logical b/c you and I know how we react to meds most of the time.  Meds are a bit rough maybe for everyone, but there are those of us, who really suffer with them.  And we suffer enough with the bp symptoms, so when these meds put us through all the extra stuff, it's overwhelming and unbearable.  You and I have talked about this before.  I did try Seroquel, 25mg, to help me sleep and help with bp symptoms.  I'm not going to lie--It made me extremely foggy and not feeling well the day after.  But I've also told you before that it did in fact help me get my rest.
 
Zomese hun--you need to try it.  Why?  Because you're so down, and you're not sleeping.  And if you can get some rest, you will start to feel better, and I know you want that.  Just try one--What Olivia said about it having the line down the middle of the pill, is true...I just learned that in one of my theory classes.  It needs that line if you're going to split it.  So if it doesn't (my Seroquel did not), then just take the 25mg.  Honestly, I believe the worst that will happen is you may feel foggy (I know that's a bad feeling, I hate it too), but on the other hand, maybe you won't feel that way.  You won't be asleep for a long, long time.  The most I got was 8 hours, and I woke up once during that time.
 
Zomese, I understand how you feel and why you feel that way. 
 
I think you to talk to your doc when you go Tuesday, and tell him/her how down you have been feeling this past month and about the not sleeping.  Mention Trazodone (antidepressant, can use at bedtime to help sleep).  This is what I am taking now (as I need it) to sleep.  I am considering going on it every night (have to check w/my pdoc).   Sure, it's known, that AD's can't be used in bp, but you never know unless you ask.  Just a suggestion.  Trazodone never, ever made me feel sick, at all.  I started taking it years ago.  Everyone is different though, and your doc may say no...Just thought I'd make a suggestion of something different.
 
Take care, let us know how you are doing
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam; currently not on meds for bp


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/30/2007 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,
 
I'm so happy to hear from you. I'm going to write down Trazodone and talk to my doc next week. Anything that helps. I've had depression before but it has never lasted this long so that's definately what I'm going to focus on.
 
It's horrible to have such a fear of something that could possibly help so much. I literally get terrified to try new meds.
 
Your replies always help me sooooo much, because I don't feel so alone or wierd about being afraid of medicine. Most people look a me like "Just take it"
 
I hope school is going well for you.
 
I'm coming to you from now on with all my medicine questions. You have the inside scoop now. tongue  
 
  :-)   Zomese  :-)

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 8/30/2007 7:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Zomese,

I have taken Trazadone on and off for the last 2 years, it really wasn't bad at all.  I needed a little extra time in the morning, but that's my only complaint.   I don't remember any harsh side-effects.  You're right about the mood stabilizer bit, your doc may hesitate to prescribe you trazadone.  You should mention it anyway and see what happens. 



Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar 1, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

Post Edited (olivia of course) : 8/30/2007 8:17:25 PM (GMT-6)


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/30/2007 11:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Zomese, I really do understand your fear that the medication will "change or alter" you, or your ability to function, or that you will just loose it all together. But I can share, that with my husband and son, once on the right meds, it made them more of who they really were, and had them MORE in control of their own minds. Not the other way around. That isn't to say that some meds didn't work...some didn't. But they wore off. Then either a new med was tried, or the right level was found. But either way, they never went "crazy", plus, I was always here to help, watch them, make sure they were safe no matter what. And they always have been.

I don't think a doctor, if they are responsible would give you something in a high enough dose to totally wig you out to start anyway. They would test your reaction first to see if it was working. I think you mentioned you were married, so you have to know that your husband will always be your back up and keep you safe.

Now to demonstrate that I understand unusual reactions to things even though I am not a BP...I have an EXTREMELY sensitive and unusual system...EXTREMELY. Keep in mind, what I am about to share is only ONE example of a VERY long list of others...so you will see that I DO get it. It was discovered recently that my Vitamin D count was SO low, that I had a level almost too low to record (9 is the lowest, I was 12…critically low for a female of my age would be 32). The doctor panicked when he saw it and was practically yelling at me on the phone that it was soooo low, it was equivalent to a VERY small child with rickets (I didn't even know what that was!). Anyway, he tells me to start taking Vit. D3 every night. Within 2 days I was found sitting at my desk hallucinating and pinching at words in the air by my husband. I couldn't form a cohesive sentence. He proceeded to pour me into bed for me to "sleep it off". We tried Vit. D2...same reaction. I was told to go in the sun (which I hate...it hurts!) for 10-15 minutes at noon 3 to 4 days a week with a bickini on...I did, and as soon as I stood up at the end of my time...I was so "drugged" from the sun, I had to be helped to bed and slept for 4-6 hours. (By the way… I live in a sun filled state but I am always in clothes if I’m outside, I am not a big bathing suit kind of gal. And I have always sought out shade as I don’t feel good in heat.) So...believe me when I say....I "get it". But, I also understand that if I don't find a way to take this stuff, or get it in my body, I am at risk for MAJOR diseases in the 80% more at risk than most and my body will have no way to fight it off, and/or my bones falling apart. I am 47, with young kids...this is not an good thing. SO...I HAVE to keep trying no matter what...like you...I don't really have a choice as it is contributing to why I am already in tremendous pain all the time in my body which at times I have to take painkillers for…and I don’t have arthritis! Plus, I, like you, don’t like the idea for ONE minute being “out of control” of my own mind. But, the doctor has NEVER seen this reaction before and he is a specialist nationally in the U.S. and Worldwide in Vit. D deficiently.

Anyway, be brave my dear…be BRAVE! Do what you must to gain your balance in life so you can live the life you REALLY want. Good luck…LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/31/2007 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Zomese,

I didn't know if my post made much sense, I was jumping all over the place...

The main thing is to talk to your doctor and firmly tell him/her what you are going through.  BP II can have long and severe depressive episodes, and you're right, we do need to look at treating that part.  It's so good that you've been keeping track of your moods, that shows that you're being responsible...So use that with your doc...Say, "If we do something to treat the depression, and I end up having h-manic or manic symptoms...or if I start cycling with my moods, I will let you (the doc) know and we will go from there..."  But make it clear you cannot go on suffering, and rest is essential.

The thing I find w/Trazodone, is that it gets me my sleep, and I wake up refresed, no hang over, no fuzziness...just feeling good.  But again, that's me...Some people might have different experiences.  I will also admit, it may have lead to hmania for me in the past...It's been a long time since I was taking it every night.  If I were to do that again, it may make me hmanic or cause some cycling, and of course I don't want that either.  So maybe it's not the best answer, but who knows?

I just don't want to go back to bp meds, because like you, I can't handle them.  It's also hard being off meds...I feel like for me there is no answer.  sad Anyway, I am glad you are going to talk to your doctor.  How's the book coming (Dr Phelps)?  I haven't had much time to read it...Anyway, keep us updated...hope you can be at the chat next week too :-)
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam; currently not on meds for bp


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/31/2007 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogli, I think your post made perfect sense. I know exactly what you mean about going back to BP meds. The book is great, I finished it a couple of days ago. It makes a lot more sense reading about Bipolar II because that describes me perfectly. We should discuss it during next chat night. I'll be sure to be there.

I was always used to reading about people who were real creative or thought they could fly or something. I could never relate to that, so this book was extremely helpful. My husband is reading it now, and is getting an even better understandong of what I go through as well.

I feel good today, finally. I prayed so long last night that I could just wake up and not be miserable if just for one day.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post, everyone is so supportive and offers great advice.

When I get ready to start my new med or the seroquel, I'm going to read the responses over & over and just get brave and do it.

I hope I can be as supportive to everyone else as you all have been to me. I hope that doesn't sound too sappy or lame.

I will keep everyone posted.

 

 


Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 

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