Update & Venting

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/4/2007 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Guys,
 
So, I had a few ppl ask me how my school is going...So far I've recieved 6 marks back b/c we have at least one exam and one assignment due each week.  I have two 100% and the rest were all 90 or above.  So my marks are excellent, and I am loving what I am doing (Medical Office Assistant).  I am definitely very, very proud of myself.
 
My mood the last 2 weeks has been terrible.  Depressed for sure.  It got really bad this past weekend.  I cried for 4 straight days.  Bf and I faught this entire past weekend.  From Friday night until yesterday (Monday).   Fighting for 4 days was extremely hard on me and draining.  I actually cannot tell all of you the extent of the stress I am under with me and my bf.  I want this relationship to work, but I am getting tired of feeling that I am the bad guy.  He tells me being ill is not my fault, yet whenever I am depressed and showing major symtpoms (like crying) it becomes a huge fight.  How can I not feel like he's mad at me, when these fights keep happening when I am not well?  I am so tired of everything being about me being bipolar, because truthfully, I don't feel that's what is really the worst issue between us. Yesterday we talked more, and he did admit he feels he is being abusive with me (not physical).  He says he wants to change that; he just seems so angry a lot of the time.  It's affecting me so much, and I'm afraid because I don't want to lose him or to have to end this relationship.
 
I was in the hospital on Sunday.  I woke up and got out of bed and then fell...twice, I had no balance.  I spent 6 hours in the hospital, I have a bladder infection--they are not sure why I was so severly dizzy and had no balance.  I'm wondering about vertigo.  So that was rough.  All in all I feel like I'm falling apart. 
 
I see my pdoc tomorrow.  First time in months.  I have no idea what to say to him.  If I tell him what a rough time I'm having, he'll go on and on about meds.  I don't want meds, but my moods are so bad. 
 
Anyway, there it is guys.  I have felt like posting this since Friday when things started getting rough with my bf...Just writing to all of you knowing you support me, makes me feel better.  So thanks for reading.  Take care.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam; currently not on meds for bp


nev
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 9/4/2007 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I am reading and I'm here for you.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/4/2007 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli, I know your feelings about your meds. But again, I ask you isn't there a way to not have to suffer so if you could find the right dose and blend. I am so proud of you for enduring and doing great in spite of how you are "feeling", but I still do believe somewhere there is an answer to help make this easier for you. I will continue to pray you find it (either with the meds or not). LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/5/2007 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Mogli. You're doing okay. Good luck with your doc, and be honest with him, both with how you're feeling emotionally and your fears about medication. If you're feeling really averse to taking him, let him know that. Now, if you're not taking meds, are you at least in talk therapy?

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/5/2007 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi guys,

Thank you all for your posts.  I feel so sad sad  but reading something from you makes me feel better.  It helps so much.

I just got back from my pdoc.  It went okay...He's still really, really wanting me back on meds, especially b/c my moods are such a mess, and I am dealing with so much.  There are just too many problems with going back on meds for me:

-I'm in school, and starting meds would make me very sick for at least 3-4 weeks, but probably longer b/c I'm sensitive to them even after they kick in

-I just don't want to go back on the meds b/c they make me so sick

-I've tried so many combos of meds, I don't even know if anything will work

Ugh, so frustrating.  Something he mentioned to me today is that he doesn't really want me on my Clonazepam b/c it's bad for my bipolar...But how am I supposed to get rid of my panic attacks?  I've tried breathing etc... He's left me on it...But I'm going to look into this whole "benzo & bp" thing.  We also talked about my sleep and how I am getting none.  My pdoc feels that sleep is the most important thing when dealing with this illness (so do I).  So, I told him I wanted to go back on Trazodone (only b/c it's the only one that has got me my sleep and not made me sick the next day).  He was hesitant b/c it's got antidepressant properties, but he wrote me the script and I have to tell him if my moods escalate or cycle.

All in all, the appt was okay.  I don't see him again until October 30th.  I'm still upset about me and my bf.  I am extremely sad and worried about it.

Serafena, I do have a counsellor, but she's terrible (she's 20 mins late every appt & she's not helping) so I'm thinking of stopping.  I do have an assessment appt with the Canadian Mental Health Assoc.  in a few weeks, to have a worker from there assigned to me...Not sure if they can help me get some better counselling; but if I get a worker that person will be someone I can see and go to when things get bad.

LFW-thanks so much for your prayers.  To know someone is praying for me is something I am going to keep with me right now.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam; currently not on meds for bp


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 9/5/2007 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
We are all proud of you for the strides you are making to improve your life by going to school. Don't let the weight of the world (school,bf) get to you, stay focussed on your goals and take everything one step at a time. The new med is worrisome as it is an antidepressent, keep on top of it and monitor your moods closely. I think I asked you this before but I can't remember your response. Does your bf go to councelling with you? As the partner of someone with bp I find it extremely helpful in trying to gain an understanding, I know and have accepted that I will never fully understand it but I go to learn what I can and to support Dutchie as much as I can. If he want this to work he really needs to understand that this isn't your problem it is a hurdle that you both must face. It isn't going to be easy for him but if this relationship is what he wants he will commit to it and do his homework on the bp to support you in any way he can.

Hang in there and believe in your strength.

Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 9/5/2007 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Mogli,
 
I'm so sorry you are down. I'm in the same boat today as you were yesterday. My appt. is in 2 hours w/ my prescribing doctor.
 
I'm interested to hear what you find out about the clonazepam, because like you that is the only thing I take now. Although it's very infrequently that I take it (less than once a week). I wonder why it upsets the bipolar? I wonder if that's what is making us so depressed?
 
I'll ask my doctor that today as well. Keep us posted on your new med. I have a feeling I will be prescribed something today as well, I think I'm just going to suck it up and take what ever he gives me.
 
Hang in there!

Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/6/2007 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Footballfan,

Thank you for your kind words.  I am probably going to be stopping my counselling b/c my counsellor is terrible, and no my bf does not see her with me.  I am trying to stay calm, but it's hard.  I feel so much like I'm going to lose it, really.

Zomese,

Thank you for taking the time to post for me.  I hope all your appointments went well.  I'm going to try to make it for the chat tonight...I have a big exam tomorrow morning.  I am trying to find information about benzos and bp, but so far what I've read shows that it's commonly used together (b/c a lot of us have anxiety)...So, not quite sure about that yet.  Let me know what your doc said about it.

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam; Trazodone 50mg for sleep
Currently not on meds for bp


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 9/7/2007 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mogs....do you realize what a inspiration you are when you leave postings on HW? I am always so impressed with the advice and caring you give. I just read your reply to Zomese....I'm sure your input was appreciated.

I hope you had another good week at school. Time to wind down for a few days. Try to enjoy some down time with your bf, it sounds like you both could use it.

I would highly reccommend that you have councelling sessions that include your bf. Although I have had some sessions on my own as well as Footballfan (1 or 2) most of our sessions have been together. It is important in, I think, helping them understand how our minds work and the emotion that goes along with it. Have you offered the idea of him coming. Just try to relay the importance to you of his presence and support for you.

I am in the process of getting myself signed up for schooling as well. It would not be until January, but that is ok, that gives me more time to build some esteem and feel more well.

I truly wish you a relaxing weekend.

Dutchie

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/8/2007 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Dutchie,

Thank you for your kind words.  For the first time in over 2 weeks, I am starting to feel the depression and severe, severe anxiety lift.  My bf took me shopping last night b/c I seriously don't have any clothes.  I usually never find a single thing when I shop, but I actually got a couple of awesome shirts, and a pair of jeans.  It cheered me up feeling like I was looking great.

My bf and I did a lot of heart to heart talking this week.  He told me he is going to try harder; he says he cannot cause me any more pain, he can't stand the fact that he's hurting me.  He's been telling me a lot that he loves me.  He's been doing a lot of reading about bipolar and we've been talking about what he's been reading.  I just hope this lasts; sometimes he comes to these huge realizations and then puts in the extra effort, and then a couple of weeks later if I'm depressed we fall back to the emotional devastation.  But with all my heart, I do have faith in him, because I know how deeply he cares, and how deeply he wants us to be together.  So instead of giving in to my fear, I'm going to try and look at the "fallbacks" as it just being something that is taking time for us.  Being a bipolar bf/spouse is not easy, for either one of us.  And we're not going to get it perfect right away.  I'm going to hang in there b/c I love him, and I want to be with him.  I want us to get this right, or at least a lot better.  We may go into counselling together, he's not against doing that...it's more of finding someone for us. 

Anyway, I am taking your advice and I am going to be thankful for this mood today, and relax this weekend.  We have a BBQ at my Dad's today, which means we get to see my nephew (my bf adores my nephew and thinks of him as his own nephew), he just turned 1 in July, so he is so much fun and makes everyone so happy.

Tonight we're having my bf's best friend over...And I might slip over to my girlfriend's house for a tea, just to talk about what I've been going through lately so I can feel even better. 

I am so excited that you will be starting school...What are you going to be taking?  I'm also glad you'll still have this time to keep getting well.  I am so proud of you for all your accomplishments.  You, too, give such great sound advice, honestly.  How is the support group going?  You're doing great Dutchie.

Thank you again for your post.  To read the word "inspiration"...well, that meant a lot. 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 9/8/2007 2:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs.....I have to give credit to the word "inspiration" to Footballfan. He used it in a few postings ago in reference to me. Apparently I have done this before where I will use a word that he has recently used. I told him that "I guess you just choose good words". A silly little thing I do I guess. But it was nonetheless heartfelt when I used it for you.

I think it is important to not let past days or events get us down. This is a real struggle some days....but I try to keep in my head that if I want to move forward I can't be looking behind. If I do that I will inevitably crash into something eventually. So, every day I give thanks in the focus I have found, and take some pride in the manner in which I am growing.

I am a certified manicurist/pedicurist and actually have my own little business in which I go into people's homes with this service (mainly seniors) I really enjoy this, however it was difficult to make a real go of it because of working full-time. Sooooo, my thought was that if I also had my hairdressing license, it would compliment the business well. Plus, it gives me alot of option as to when and where I want to put in my hours. I could work out of a shop, out of my home, or going into senoir's homes as well. I want to contribute to our household, but at the same time be there for my family. That is what is important now, and it feels good to realize it and believe in it.
What is even better is the fact that the course is opening up at a local college in January. It would have been about a 40/45 minute drive away...now it will be 20 minutes. It does not start however until January...but I look at it as time to get stronger.

Anyway, I wish you a happy, relaxing weekend.
Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.
Dutchie

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/9/2007 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dutchie,
 
Wow-your work sounds so relaxing and fulfulling (talking with the people, making them happy).  I am really happy about the course that's opened up for you and I think the hairdressing is a perfect compliment to what you do now.  It's all such a great idea I think.  I wish you the best with this new journey.  I also wish you lived in my area so I could get pampered!  My nails are so short right now b/c of typing at school, but I still want them to look pretty!  And I've never had a pedicure, but it's something I've always wanted to do.  I like my feet to look and feel pretty too :-)
 
You are right about not letting our down days ruin our better days.  When I am in the depths of depression, the only thing that seems to help me calm down a bit is to tell myself that it will pass.  It always does.  It's just that sometimes it really takes a long time to pass, and it's so painful.  But since I've been feeling better, it's hard not to think about how "I know I'm going to crash again, probably sooner than later". 
 
That's kind of what I'm feeling now, I know the crash is coming.  The 50mg of Trazodone at bedtime is getting me my sleep or for that I could not be more greatful.    By the way, you are still going to the support group?  I think I may be going back into one soon.
 
My bf and I had a really great day together yesterday.  I am feeling much better about all of that. 
 
Anyway, today I have a ton of studying to do.  I hope you have a nice day with your family and I hope you are feeling well today.
 
Take care, hugs.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 9/9/2007 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Dutchie mentioned the other day that she wished you lived close by. She says that when she reads your posts of when you are down she just wants to give you a big hug and try to get you through it.

OK, I have something to say and you may not like it but I am going to say it anyway. In reading your posts I see the rollercoaster that you and your bf travel on. You say that he is committed to your relationship and he tells you that he loves you and is tired of being hurtful to you when you are down. When you do get down you say what a difficult time you are having with your bf and that you are fighting a lot. My question is: Do you see the pattern? I don't like to use the word abuse because it is a strong word but it seems that when you are down he is verbally abusive and then when your up he apologizes for it and says he wants to change. If he truelly wants to change then tell him to put his money where his mouth is. When you get a new councellor tell him that he needs to go with you. Anyone can say that they would go but if he hasn't gone then what do the words mean. Make him own the words he is saying. Tell him not to apologize unless he really means it. A true apology means you won't do it again not that you are sorry for the last incident only.

You may think that I shouldn't be giving this advice with the rollercoaster that Dutchie and me are on but I own every word I say. It is about support for your mate. The last time we were to see our councellor I told her that I probably wasn't going, not for any particular reason, I just didn't feel like talking. She told me that she would really appreciate it if I would go. So I went, not because I wanted to but because she wanted me to go and I wanted to support her.

I hope my words didn't hurt too much. They aren't meant as judgement but are coming because I want to see you succeed. Don't look for the upcoming crash, if your looking and waiting for it then it is going to come just as you predicted.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/9/2007 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree totally with footballfan here. Mogli, we all want to see you stabalize and be happy with great consistancy. If that includes your BF...great. But he has got some REAL work of his own to do alone and with you. Good luck my dear....LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/9/2007 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow--I could not agree more with what you have said Footballfan.  Believe me.  I was in an abusive (physical & emotional) relantionship before this one, and my sister is currently in one, along with my best friend.  So, I hope you believe me when I tell you that I will be the first one to acknowledge the abuse in my relationship.  Sure, it's not the same abuse I've experienced in the past, or that my sister and best friend are experiencing now, but it's abusive behaviour and I will not for one second make excuses, or be in denial about it.

My bf also last week, for the first time came to me and told me he took a test about being abusive, and that as a result of this test and from what he has done, he feels he has been abusive to me.  I am glad this happened.  I know a lot about abuse, and there was no way I could go to him and tell him "hey you are being abusive" b/c he would go on the defense and we would never get anywhere.  I needed him to realize this himself.  Seriously.  That is critical.  Now, that can be tricky too.  B/c some abusers can say this just for say, but I do know my bf, and this has devastated him.  We talked about where this might be coming from etc...  He wants to change this.  I was honest and told him that I'm not sure he can do this without help from a therapist.  We talked a lot about this and have made one decision so far...From now on when things get heated in an arguement, if he gets/feels angry, then he is going to go for a walk.  This was a bit of an issue in the past b/c I didn't want to be left alone in the house during such an emotional time.  So we've made the deal that he will go for a walk, take his time to cool down, but he will come back to the house.  And if when he gets here he's not ready to continute talking then we're going to keep space in the house for even more cool down time, and then we will talk.  While I don't think this is the total solution, I do think it's a step in the right direction.

Now, your rollercoaster theory--also could not be more correct.  That is exactly how I feel.  For one thing, my illness is a rollercoaster, and I definitely without question feel that my relationship mirrors the coaster completely.  That is something that I not only want to stop, but need to stop.  That is something that I think we are going to have to seek help together for.  And we will.  My appointment to find new counselling is on the 25th of this month.  My bf will go with me to counselling.  As to counselling for his own issues, again, I'm not going to push it b/c he'll pull back, but he does know how I feel, and I will bring it up again maybe once we're in counselling together.

So, please, don't feel bad or apologize.  You are very right in what you are saying.  He's either in this with me or he's not.  I know he wants to be, I understand though, that it's not easy.  Footballfan, it would be easier for him if he would deal with his own issues,  I guess I just don't know how to get him to do that, b/c I know that's impossible.  You can't make anyone do go into therapy for their problems.  It is something they must decide to do on their own.  I love my bf so much.  And I know he wants to be there for me.  I want to give him the chance to do that.  And he has been there for me.  I cannot say he hasn't.

Anyway, thank you for posting your message.  I am looking forward to school this week, I am feeling better and instead of focusing on the crash, I will focus on that.  Thank you for the encouragement.

LFW, thank you for your support as well.  I want my bf to do the work he needs to do as well, for himself, for me and for both of us as a couple.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/9/2007 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/10/2007 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,

I hope you are feeling better, and I hope school is a blast.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar 1, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/12/2007 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Olivia :-)   I hope you are still doing and feeling well.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 9/16/2007 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs

I just wanted you to know that Footballfan and I have been thinking about you. We hope school is going well and that you are dealing with all the day to day stuff without too much stress. How are things with your bf going? Have you found a coucellor you can both attend yet? I think this is a really important step you need to take as a couple. I found out Friday that I have been accepted into hairdressing school for January. It is kind of confusing because it is an online application...so I am waiting for further instruction. I don't want to get excited about it until I know exactly what is happening with it.

Give us an update. Take care of yourself...I miss hearing from you on a regular basis. But I understand, life circumstances can sometimes keep us very busy. Don't let life become too overwhelming for you.

Continuing to wish you wellness'
Dutchie & Footballfan

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 9/16/2007 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Dutchie,

This week has been awful.  Both my bf and I were in to our doctor (him for abominal pain-he may have an ulcer, me...well they don't know yet, bladder infection maybe, but we'll know this week...had to do some blood work on Thursday).  So, that was stressful.  And my two biggest exams of this module are tomorrow and Tuesday, so I have been so stressed all week.  All I have been doing this past week and weekend is studying, between stressing. 

I won't find out about any more counselling until the 24th or 25th of this month.  We're still on edge a bit I think.  I'm trying so hard not to get overwhelmed or sick.  I have to say though, I am exhausted, and I don't feel well.

After these exams on Tuesday I am definitely going to be able to relax a bit.  We have the day off school Wednesday and start my second Module Thursday.  My course is 6 Modules, 5 weeks long for each Module.  So I've almost finished my first one.  I am proud of myself, but I am making a promise to myself to take special care this week.  I'm going to relax and calm down.

I am so glad to hear you have been accepted for school, really, I couldn't be happier for you.  You have worked so hard on everything.  I want you to know i am very proud of you.  I think of you and Footballfan all the time.  Just didn't get a chance to post this week.  I'll be able to catch up in a couple of days.

Anyway, I'm going to go lay on the couch.  I will keep you posted on me and my bf.  I am still worried about some things, but I want it to work so badly. 

Take care, hugs.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 8:15 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,318 posts in 301,103 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151244 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Wedge.
393 Guest(s), 10 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Bololidat, TOOTY, schoolpsych, ROXY68, Almost a 10, Charmed3, brucen36, LiveJoy, trumpet123, Broncofan18


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer