Thank you all for your posts. I feel so sad but reading something from you makes me feel better. It helps so much.
I just got back from my pdoc. It went okay...He's still really, really wanting me back on meds, especially b/c my moods are such a mess, and I am dealing with so much. There are just too many problems with going back on meds for me:
-I'm in school, and starting meds would make me very sick for at least 3-4 weeks, but probably longer b/c I'm sensitive to them even after they kick in
-I just don't want to go back on the meds b/c they make me so sick
-I've tried so many combos of meds, I don't even know if anything will work
Ugh, so frustrating. Something he mentioned to me today is that he doesn't really want me on my Clonazepam b/c it's bad for my bipolar...But how am I supposed to get rid of my panic attacks? I've tried breathing etc... He's left me on it...But I'm going to look into this whole "benzo & bp" thing. We also talked about my sleep and how I am getting none. My pdoc feels that sleep is the most important thing when dealing with this illness (so do I). So, I told him I wanted to go back on Trazodone (only b/c it's the only one that has got me my sleep and not made me sick the next day). He was hesitant b/c it's got antidepressant properties, but he wrote me the script and I have to tell him if my moods escalate or cycle.
All in all, the appt was okay. I don't see him again until October 30th. I'm still upset about me and my bf. I am extremely sad and worried about it.
Serafena, I do have a counsellor, but she's terrible (she's 20 mins late every appt & she's not helping) so I'm thinking of stopping. I do have an assessment appt with the Canadian Mental Health Assoc. in a few weeks, to have a worker from there assigned to me...Not sure if they can help me get some better counselling; but if I get a worker that person will be someone I can see and go to when things get bad.
LFW-thanks so much for your prayers. To know someone is praying for me is something I am going to keep with me right now.
28 years old
Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD
Seroquel and Klonopin as needed
Thank you for your kind words. I am probably going to be stopping my counselling b/c my counsellor is terrible, and no my bf does not see her with me. I am trying to stay calm, but it's hard. I feel so much like I'm going to lose it, really.
Thank you for taking the time to post for me. I hope all your appointments went well. I'm going to try to make it for the chat tonight...I have a big exam tomorrow morning. I am trying to find information about benzos and bp, but so far what I've read shows that it's commonly used together (b/c a lot of us have anxiety)...So, not quite sure about that yet. Let me know what your doc said about it.
Thank you for your kind words. For the first time in over 2 weeks, I am starting to feel the depression and severe, severe anxiety lift. My bf took me shopping last night b/c I seriously don't have any clothes. I usually never find a single thing when I shop, but I actually got a couple of awesome shirts, and a pair of jeans. It cheered me up feeling like I was looking great.
My bf and I did a lot of heart to heart talking this week. He told me he is going to try harder; he says he cannot cause me any more pain, he can't stand the fact that he's hurting me. He's been telling me a lot that he loves me. He's been doing a lot of reading about bipolar and we've been talking about what he's been reading. I just hope this lasts; sometimes he comes to these huge realizations and then puts in the extra effort, and then a couple of weeks later if I'm depressed we fall back to the emotional devastation. But with all my heart, I do have faith in him, because I know how deeply he cares, and how deeply he wants us to be together. So instead of giving in to my fear, I'm going to try and look at the "fallbacks" as it just being something that is taking time for us. Being a bipolar bf/spouse is not easy, for either one of us. And we're not going to get it perfect right away. I'm going to hang in there b/c I love him, and I want to be with him. I want us to get this right, or at least a lot better. We may go into counselling together, he's not against doing that...it's more of finding someone for us.
Anyway, I am taking your advice and I am going to be thankful for this mood today, and relax this weekend. We have a BBQ at my Dad's today, which means we get to see my nephew (my bf adores my nephew and thinks of him as his own nephew), he just turned 1 in July, so he is so much fun and makes everyone so happy.
Tonight we're having my bf's best friend over...And I might slip over to my girlfriend's house for a tea, just to talk about what I've been going through lately so I can feel even better.
I am so excited that you will be starting school...What are you going to be taking? I'm also glad you'll still have this time to keep getting well. I am so proud of you for all your accomplishments. You, too, give such great sound advice, honestly. How is the support group going? You're doing great Dutchie.
Thank you again for your post. To read the word "inspiration"...well, that meant a lot.
Wow--I could not agree more with what you have said Footballfan. Believe me. I was in an abusive (physical & emotional) relantionship before this one, and my sister is currently in one, along with my best friend. So, I hope you believe me when I tell you that I will be the first one to acknowledge the abuse in my relationship. Sure, it's not the same abuse I've experienced in the past, or that my sister and best friend are experiencing now, but it's abusive behaviour and I will not for one second make excuses, or be in denial about it.
My bf also last week, for the first time came to me and told me he took a test about being abusive, and that as a result of this test and from what he has done, he feels he has been abusive to me. I am glad this happened. I know a lot about abuse, and there was no way I could go to him and tell him "hey you are being abusive" b/c he would go on the defense and we would never get anywhere. I needed him to realize this himself. Seriously. That is critical. Now, that can be tricky too. B/c some abusers can say this just for say, but I do know my bf, and this has devastated him. We talked about where this might be coming from etc... He wants to change this. I was honest and told him that I'm not sure he can do this without help from a therapist. We talked a lot about this and have made one decision so far...From now on when things get heated in an arguement, if he gets/feels angry, then he is going to go for a walk. This was a bit of an issue in the past b/c I didn't want to be left alone in the house during such an emotional time. So we've made the deal that he will go for a walk, take his time to cool down, but he will come back to the house. And if when he gets here he's not ready to continute talking then we're going to keep space in the house for even more cool down time, and then we will talk. While I don't think this is the total solution, I do think it's a step in the right direction.
Now, your rollercoaster theory--also could not be more correct. That is exactly how I feel. For one thing, my illness is a rollercoaster, and I definitely without question feel that my relationship mirrors the coaster completely. That is something that I not only want to stop, but need to stop. That is something that I think we are going to have to seek help together for. And we will. My appointment to find new counselling is on the 25th of this month. My bf will go with me to counselling. As to counselling for his own issues, again, I'm not going to push it b/c he'll pull back, but he does know how I feel, and I will bring it up again maybe once we're in counselling together.
So, please, don't feel bad or apologize. You are very right in what you are saying. He's either in this with me or he's not. I know he wants to be, I understand though, that it's not easy. Footballfan, it would be easier for him if he would deal with his own issues, I guess I just don't know how to get him to do that, b/c I know that's impossible. You can't make anyone do go into therapy for their problems. It is something they must decide to do on their own. I love my bf so much. And I know he wants to be there for me. I want to give him the chance to do that. And he has been there for me. I cannot say he hasn't.
Anyway, thank you for posting your message. I am looking forward to school this week, I am feeling better and instead of focusing on the crash, I will focus on that. Thank you for the encouragement.
LFW, thank you for your support as well. I want my bf to do the work he needs to do as well, for himself, for me and for both of us as a couple.
This week has been awful. Both my bf and I were in to our doctor (him for abominal pain-he may have an ulcer, me...well they don't know yet, bladder infection maybe, but we'll know this week...had to do some blood work on Thursday). So, that was stressful. And my two biggest exams of this module are tomorrow and Tuesday, so I have been so stressed all week. All I have been doing this past week and weekend is studying, between stressing.
I won't find out about any more counselling until the 24th or 25th of this month. We're still on edge a bit I think. I'm trying so hard not to get overwhelmed or sick. I have to say though, I am exhausted, and I don't feel well.
After these exams on Tuesday I am definitely going to be able to relax a bit. We have the day off school Wednesday and start my second Module Thursday. My course is 6 Modules, 5 weeks long for each Module. So I've almost finished my first one. I am proud of myself, but I am making a promise to myself to take special care this week. I'm going to relax and calm down.
I am so glad to hear you have been accepted for school, really, I couldn't be happier for you. You have worked so hard on everything. I want you to know i am very proud of you. I think of you and Footballfan all the time. Just didn't get a chance to post this week. I'll be able to catch up in a couple of days.
Anyway, I'm going to go lay on the couch. I will keep you posted on me and my bf. I am still worried about some things, but I want it to work so badly.
Take care, hugs.