best friend who is bipolor

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pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/6/2007 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
hello..i am a 41 year old woman with 3 children and a great marriage. My best friend for the past 12 years is bipolar and we have been on a roller coaster ride for all 12 of those years. Our friendship started out great in that we had so much in common. we enjoyed each others company so much..Both of us are happily married, but nothing compared to the times just she and i would go to dinner and share our days, our thoughts etc.  This has been a very hard friendship though in that she has ended it suddenly over 10 times saying that I was the reason.(whatever the reason was at the time)...This last time, about 3 weeks ago, she broke it off again...just by texting me on the phone saying that our friendship was not healthy and that it was over.  Just 2 days before, she was thanking me for being such a great friend to her. And belive me, I have been.. I have tryied to understand her sickness and always was very understanding when anything between us could go wrong. I was always walking on eggshells , afraid of not saying the right thing, afraid of not calling her enough, not giving her my attention etc.  but, because i loved her so much, i dealt with it the best i could. When she was in a good mood, she was great, very giving, very loyal, and would have done anything for me.  but, when her moods would change, our whole friendship would change.. How couldnt it?  So, now I am hurting that my best friend has again decided to end our friendship. I dont know what to do at this point.I tried and tried to reach her a couple of weeks ago, with no luck. She blocked me from email, text and wouldl not answer my phone calls, so I gave up.  How can she be so cold hearted and just end a very close friendship so fast.  I did see her one day and she wouldnt even look at me...It hurts in that Idid  nothing wrong...I can assure you of that.  So, if any bps out there or their loved ones can give me an insight to why she reacts this way every so often and what I should do in the meantime.  I feel for her and I want to be there for her.. I know she needs me.  I am not a quitter and I dont want to give up a very special freindship. Why does she hate me so?  thanks in advance for your thoughts and any advice you can give me will be taken...God Bless..

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/6/2007 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   

In my experience, I've always lashed out at those I cared the most about.  I believe it's because I know if someone loves me, that no matter what I do they will be there tomorrow.  Sometimes I think I test the friendship, strain it intentionally, feel that I don't deserve it.

This isn't saying that you should hang in there.  If this is too much for you, it may be time to walk away, but it sounds as though you truly care and would forgive her yet again.  She doesn't hate you.  She is out of control and lashing out blindly at everyone.  You especially because she knows you will forgive her. 

I've put the people in my life through hell.  I did care though, but sometimes it was too big for me.  I couldn't cope with what I was going through and maintain a relationship.  My poor ex-husband.  He could be a jerk, but I was sure no picnic to live with.

Good luck to you.

Ellie


Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
 


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/7/2007 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you so much for your reply..couldnt have been better timing..i was awoken today by her husband banging on my front door.. telling me to leave her alone..(i had left her a voice mail yesterday telling her i was there for her etc...)...he verbally abused me at my front door..telling me to leave his wife alone or he would hurt me..i am still shaking from it...he is just as sick as she is.. they have had a horrible marriage of 20 years. fighting constantly..i have been there for her for whatever she needed...i have been talking to my husband and sisters and they are helping me understand.. any advice you have.. other than to not call her ever again.. would be appreciated...

Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/7/2007 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
I wouldn't say to not call her ever again, but I think I would leave a little breathing space for the time being. It sounds like her husband is reacting badly, and if he's threatening you, he may be just as ill as she is. Perhaps even dangerously so.
I would just wait. I believe she'll be back. I once quit talking to my one and only friend for over a year. I couldn't cope with my drama and hers too, so I bailed when we needed each other most. It took some time but we're back to where we were again. I knew she'd be there when I came back to myself, and she was, she always is. Sometimes it just takes time. I know thats hard, but it may be all there is to do.
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
 
You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
 


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/7/2007 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
hey... thanks again for the email and the support...I cant tell you what it means to me that a complete stranger has reached out to me...God Bless you and your family!  And thanks again....

laurar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 730
   Posted 9/7/2007 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I usually post on the Ulcerative Colitis forum, but occasionally I drop in on other forums to read the posts. This one caught my attention because I've had a similar experience with a friend who is bi-polar. She was my best friend for 4 years, and she "broke up" with me 3 times while we were friends, usually very abruptly and without a good reason. (Once she said it was because I wasn't "exciting" enough, whatever that means). So PLEASE don't take it personally, it's really not you. I took it personally and was very hurt, but now I understand that it had nothing to do with me. Give yourself the space you need and if/when she wants to be friends again you can make a decision that is best for you, whatever that may be. Hang in there. :)
Diagnosed Ulcerative Pancolitis
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pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/7/2007 11:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks..for the reply to this email..i really appreciate it..knowing that i am not crazy...likes she makes me feel,,.. it is the wierdest thing and i guess i have not been able to really grasp it...I am not taking it personally and each time she does this, it hurts like hell..she always blames it on me too..saying i am overbearing...yeah right...when i didnt call her everyday, she would get mad at me...now she has her husband harassing me telling me to leave her alone and that she doesnt want to have anything go do with me ever again...and i did nothing wrong...nothing...i have noticed when i dont give her alot of attention.. calling alot.. asking her to go to dinner or come over for a cookout, etc..is when she all of sudden says she doenst want to be friends anymore,,,..the thing is.. she is a very selfish person and our freindship was always about her..anyway, i could write a book.. thanks for listening..and God Bless..

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/8/2007 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I have to ask Pouli, perhaps you say she is a person who is very selfish and the friendship was always about her. Perhaps there was some trigger to this event that you weren't even conscious of -- something said or done that you couldn't have predicted -- something that wasn't "all about her." I have had friends like that in the past (I imagine we all have) and when I've had to make demands or requests or had needs, the friendship broke down.

So I ask you, even though you have decades of history with this person, are you certain you need this person? She doesn't sound like the healthiest friend for you, and I don't mean the bipolar. I mean the relationship doesn't sound healthy.

(Incidentally, not all bipolars are self-centered, cruel or insensitive. We bipolars can also be very over-friendly and self-depricating, so it just depends on where on the spectrum we fall, just like everyone else.)

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/8/2007 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
hey.. i really appreciate your thoughts and I really think you are very right.. I had started to pull away from her because i did realize that the friendship was not healthy.  She has also been diagnosed with borderline personlity disorder...I am not the perfect friend, but a darn good one...especially to her.. because i think she needed extra attention from me and when she didnt get it..she decided to hurt me by ending the friendship...This is going to turn out to be  a blessing for me.. I deserve so much better..I tried and tried and tried to fill in the void she was not getting from her husband, but i have my own husband that i need to love..she drained me....she is a very mean person... i looked past all of that ...just because of her sickness..well...no more..God puts us on this earth to make our own decisions in this life..she decided to take the poor pitiful me role..she is going to have to find someone else to attack...thanks for giving me your insight.. God Bless..

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/9/2007 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
That's really interesting, pouli, I almost asked you if she also had BPD. I had a friend who had BPD too, the one I referred to above, and she was very, very difficult to stay connected with. It was WORK to be friends with her. Ultimately I had to decide it was too much work, and that's a shame, because she was a very cool person. But she was sucking me dry.

It's unfortunate that your friendship has had this break, but I'd guess from the sound of it that she'll be back (or she'll try). She'll probably call you sometime and act as if nothing has happened. You may be alright with that. But I think you are right that you can't let her drain you or take any time away from your life, your family or your home. She may be a lovely, warm person with plenty to give, but you need to pull back a bit for your own sake. I'd definitely be grateful for this resting period to re-evaluate. And who wants angry men banging on their doors in the morning? Who needs that kind of craziness?

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/9/2007 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
not me!!!  I really think that I a glad it happenned to help give the closure I needed.  Everything happens for a reason..I will keep you posted. thanks for listening and replying.. i really appreciate it and it hleps me get over this alot faster and easier.. we could probably write a book together! ha.. talk to you soon..

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/10/2007 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh good! Keep in touch...
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2007 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
hey vaoutcast.. i just replied to your email, but not sure that i went through...?? can you please let me know. thanks. pouli

pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2007 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Vaoutcast.... hey there...thank you so much for your email...your honesty and insight..you don't know how much I appreciate it.....I read it over several times and it makes so much sense to me and what has happenned over the years..I have so many questions as to why things happenned over the past...I could write a book.. ha...could i possibly write you on your regular email....??? I understand ...if not....but, before I write anymore, please just give me your thoughts on that.. thanks alot again!! and God Bless...

wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 9/10/2007 11:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Greetings VaOutCast..
I wanted to say thanks for replying with such raw truth. Very cool.

Umm..please, if you could, tell me what the difference is, if any, from BiPolar Rapid
cycling to BPD. I mean, I got a bit confused when you explained it.
My bf has been dx with BP since his early 20's and he is currently 35. However, he recently experienced burning out his meds and what he thought would be routine seeing his Pdoc turned out to be his doc re-evaluating his dx, doing mood charting and then mixing up the dosage to whatever fits. He also totally withdraws from any kind of communication with friends nanf family. The only exception being co-workers because it has to do with work. We have spoken three times in 2.5 months. I have no idea what's going on only that he is still experiencing a depressive episode.
If you could just kind of express a bit more, I'm sure it will help me more to understnad what's up.

Thank a lot for any help
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/11/2007 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wicked:

I'm sure VaOutCast will help too, but I'm big on research. It's the English teacher in me. Here's one description of BPD:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

And here's a short and somewhat simplistic comparison:
http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/telling.htm

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

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