Wife is BiPolar, HELP!!

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Whiskey
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/11/2007 6:15 AM (GMT -7)   
My loving wife of less than a year was diagnosed type 1 BP in June, and was put on meds. We recently moved (2 mo ago), and she has run out of her meds and refused to get more. She is now so depressed, and blaming me for all her troubles and won't come home. She won't answer my calls or text messages, and is talking to her friends about divorcing me. All I want to do is help her, but she won't listen and keeps pushing me away. I don't want to lose the love of my life, but it seems like there is nothing I can do. I knew she was bipolar before we got married, and she has only been this bad once before, which resulted in a separation of almost a year. I love my wife dearly, and I don't want to lose her again.

Need Advice
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 9/11/2007 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Whiskey sorry to hear your troubles but I know exactly what your going through. I went through the exact same thing and in my opinion - depending on where she is in her mind - you have to handle things very delicately. First of all all the things she is telling you and doing are probably not her real feelings - you have to remember shes ill. When my wife and I had this problem I basically told her I had been wrong and really wanted to figure out a way that we could work things out. I told her that even though it wasn't what I was most comfortable with I would go to a counselor with her as a couple and see what I could do different. Now - all the time I knew what the counselor would say but when it came from a counselor - she accepted the advice easily. Had I said the same thing it would have been all wrong. The counselor also helped her realise that I wasn't all that bad and she had to deal with the bipolar. This helped us - this was the first huge step. Now we went to three counselor before she actually stopped believing it was me that was causing all the problems. Finally after 3 counselors said the same thing she looked at me and said reluctantly I guess I owe you an apolopy. I told her no she owed it to herself and our little boy to fix what was hurting her and then we would work on us. She agreed and it been totally different since - rough at times but different. Its a long road and you have to try not to take things personally. My wife actually had a semi - affair and I had to get passed that also. I guess you really have to love someone to stay. Anyway there are a lot of good people on here and I'll try to help when I can. I may be totally wrong and if I am someone else on here please correct me but at first I told my wife it was all my fault and I wanted counseling just to get her there. She even said she thought it might help me down the road with someone else but she would go to help me. Anyway it helped us in the longrun. A bit sneaky I guess but whatever it took - she's the love of my life too!

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/11/2007 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey whiskey, welcome to the board. Why won't she refill her meds? Did she tell you before she separated? Is there anyone else you can enlist to help get her back on her meds. That's really the crucial part here -- she needs to get her brain chemicals under control before she can make sense of what's happening to you as a couple. Nothing makes sense to her right now. She probably doubts everything -- even herself. She may very well be paranoid, as well, and think you're trying to do her harm. How far did you move? Can she see the same doctor? Can anyone help her get a new doctor?

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 9/11/2007 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Whiskey, I am sorry you are going through such trouble with your beloved. Several others of late have also seemed to be going through similar issues. To get you started on seeking support on this site, I do suggest reading the following recent postings by Scared_Wife, and Darrin (just to name a few). Many of us gave input and to rewrite our thoughts would, to some degree seem redundant. What I can simply say to you is that unless your wife wants help, there isn't much you can do except express your love for her and ask her to start her meds again. Beyond that, you must choose to "wait it out" from the sound of it, or let go and move on. Neither option would seem to be acceptable, but until a person who is ill (or having an episode) wants help...you're stuck to effectively help the situation. Only you will know how much abuse you are willing to take in the process or how long you are willing to wait for her in the "hopes" she will return. You must choose the life you want for yourself too. We spouses tend to focus so highly on our BP partners we can loose site that we need to live and enjoy life too. We need to take as good care of ourselves as we do for our beloved spouse. Hope that helps a bit. LFW

VaOutCast
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 9/11/2007 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Very well put Loving, I left my first husband during an episode while not taking my meds and 10 years later I still regret it. I didn't know what I was doing and long story short it landed me back in the hospital for 3 weeks.

It's obvious that you love your wife dearly and it probably hurts not being able to help her. Just let her know, repeatedly, that you need her and that you are there for her. I don't know if you have any kids but my Mom used to snap me back into reality by telling me to get it together for my kids sake.

My kids are my life support and no matter what type of mood I'm in, you mention them and you have my full attention.

Would your wife take her meds if a family member or a friend were able to get them for her? Sometimes we just need that extra push. Even though going to the doctors does not seem to be that difficult for most, depending on the persons mood they just might not feel like going and therefore, allowing themselves to run out of medication. This coming from my own experience.

Until she gets back on her meds try not to beat yourself up and remind yourself that it's not your fault. It definitely takes dedication and patience to live with someone with bi-polar.

Good Luck to you
VaOutCast

Whiskey
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/12/2007 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all the advice and support. I really need it right about now.

I'm not sure why she won't refill her meds. She was just discharged from the military when she was diagnosed in June, and now she is covered under Veterans benefits, but I get the feeling that she doesn't feel that she deserves them because she was never actively deployed and didn't complete the full term of her duty contract. I have spoken to her mother (who is also suffering from BP II) but she isn't much help. She does have one friend that I think can help, and has agreed to help me, but my wife is stubborn! There is no chance of seeing the same doctor as we have moved across the country.

Last night she told me that she would go to couples therapy, but that she was still set on separating, even if just for now. It's hard to hear, but I'm pretty sure that it's the disease making her do and say these things. I lost it last night after she left again and called her to plead with her to come home. My frustration is turning to anger towards her for not getting help.

We don't have kids, but she loves our cat as if it was her child, but when I asked her how she thought the cat would handle her not being around she was very apathetic about the whole situation. I want to give her space, but she needs to get her meds before we can start therapy. I'm just afraid that if I tell her I won't go unless she is on meds she will take it as hostility. How can I get her to go to the doctor when I have virtually no leverage to use?

Post Edited (Whiskey) : 9/12/2007 9:40:48 AM (GMT-6)


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/12/2007 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Did you read the posting by "Need", he seemed to have an idea for you on how to at least get her there...meds or not. But again Whiskey, you may not effectively be able to do much about it other than make the choices you need for yourself to stay healthy and strong, and create a life for yourself. It is sad, but it is reality. You count to, and if this extreme up and down is going to be your life forever...do you want it like this? Your choice. My best wishes for you no matter what you choose. LFW

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/12/2007 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I'd agree with Need and Loving, Whiskey. If she'll go to counseling, then try it. The counselor will doubtlessly try and convince her to get on her meds. The stress of being deployed (even if she didn't see combat) and the stress of moving (especially such a huge move) are enormous, and stress is very triggering for BPs. I'm surprised she was accepted into the armed services with a history of mental illness. They're usually pretty strict about that.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/12/2007 12:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Whiskey,

Welcome to the HW family, I hope you are finding the support you are looking for here.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar 1, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
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"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


Whiskey
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/13/2007 8:40 AM (GMT -7)   
I did see Need's posts, but I can get her to couples therapy, I'm just not sure if it will help unless she is actively trying to manage her disease. I guess I need to just stick with what I am doing right now and hope that we make it to counseling. Thanks everyone for your help and support, and I'm sure I'll be reading more and more here at HW. This site truly is a blessing, and without it I would still be walking this hard road alone. Thank you so much!!

clc79092
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/14/2007 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
New here.  My wife of 16 1/2 years was diagnosed with bipolar 14 years ago.  She refused to be medicated so we rode a rollercoaster for all those years and I still love her.  We have been separated for over a year and now I filed for divorce.  I still want her back but she is convinced that an old boyfriend from 20 years ago is the love of her life.  She has been living with him for a month.  He doesnt know her medical history so is unprepared for what is coming.  Right now he is enjoying the mania phase when she is a real party girl up for any perversion he can think of.  I have seen his text messages and he is real twisted.  She told our 14 year old son that she doesnt want to be his mother and does not want him as a son.  He looks like me and he is not this other guys child.  That destroyed my son.  He is in counseling.  Now her family, our grown daughter, and myself are stuck waiting for her to crash in her next depressive episode which if her current pattern continues will be the worst yet and then we can compel treatment.  Maybe after treatment and her meds are regulated she will want to makeup for what she did and said to her son.  I will always be her friend.  She has been my best friend for 17 years.  I will always be there for her when and if she is willing to accept my help and love.  But after this episode I must put the well being of my son first even if it means that my soulmate is lost to me forever.

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/14/2007 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
How dreadful clc. I'm so sorry. Unmedicated mania can be devastating. Your poor son. It's good that you got him into counseling. I hope the rest of the family has gathered around him to make him feel loved and wanted. I wish I could offer a cure-all piece of advice, but unfortunately once the mania has progressed this far, there's not much you can do but wait it out or get her to a doctor -- which I'm guessing she refuses to do?

At the risk of sounding callous, you say the rest of the family and you are stuck waiting for her to crash... Don't wait any more. She has been brutally cruel to your son and has walked out on your marriage. Yes, it is the disease which compels her to do it, but she made the choice not to seek treatment or take medications. She made the choice to not help keep the disease in check, which undoubtedly helped form this mess. You've been waiting out her mania for a year now. You filed for divorce -- mean it. Move on with your life, let your son move on with his. Help him get over this rejection so that when his mother does come back (next month or 10 years from now) he'll be a healthy person.

best wishes,
serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/14/2007 5:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Clc, I am SO sorry for your pain and what you have been through all these years. But I will say this to you...THANK YOU for getting it right about WHO you are suppose to place as your number one priority...your children. And if the sacrifice is your beloved spouse who selfishly (illness or not) refused for 14 years to seek the proper responsible treatment to enable her to be a loving responsible consistent mother to her kids, then so be it. YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT! Our kids do not ask to be born, but once they are they don't care if mommy or daddy is ill, as long as they are able to be cared for, loved, modeled and taught the right behaviors on life and protected by them, with consistency in order to grow up and develop into HEALTHY happy responsible adults. Until that job is done, we parents, if need be, under extreme conditions that BP can produce, must sacrifice our own needs and happiness sometimes to provide what is best for a child, who can't provide for themselves. Nor can they process or understand any of it and will end up damaging them for a lifetime. I know you are in pain, but I am so proud of you I could scream because SO many don't REALLY get this issue. You have restored my hope. Your son will get through this because he has a father who has stepped up and could be counted on to put his son's needs first. And you are getting him the additional support he needs to deal with this. GOOD FOR YOU CLC! LFW

clc79092
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/15/2007 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
We are going on but when I say we are stuck waiting for her to crash I mean to get her help. My son and I are moving on. She insisted on the divorce I fought against it. I did file because we are currently 550 miles apart and I did not want to have to attempt to go to court in her playground so to speak. If at the last minute she decides to show up for the court I want it to be in my hometown not hers. Before the divorce was filed I sold our home to our daughter (age 20) for 10 dollars. Now my daughter is selling house so her mother and her boyfriend cannot move into it. She wanted this guy so much then she can go BE with him. He is gonna have a rude awakening cuz she is very predictable on her cycling, she is due to start her depression phase about thnksgiving and it will be in full swing come christmas. Her mother doesnt want her in her home, our daughter doesnt even speak to her.

Whiskey
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/18/2007 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I've done the same thing. My wife's complete apathy towards getting help for her disorder or fixing our relationship has forced me to quit trying. I know what CLC is talking about, since I too still love my wife, but she is insistent on leaving me. I also found out this weekend that she has been seeing another guy, and after all she has put me through in the past, I cannot trust her anymore. Her family and mine are still trying to get her to seek counseling and get help, but I am not holding out anymore.

loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/18/2007 1:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Whiskey, I am sorry for your loss. Seeing a loved one fall apart due to illness like this is heart wrenching. But you count too, and this was no life for you. Abuse is abuse, and no one deserves it. One day, if she finds herself well, stable, and functional, and you want to explore reconciliation, nothing is stopping you from doing that. But, by then you may not want it. In a way, you are experiencing a death to the relationship and love you two shared, and you will need a time of mourning. I know with the BP there is the "she can't help it" issue. But that doesn't make your loss any less real, and any less in need of being dealt with by you. I hope she does get the help she needs to find wellness for herself...It does take a brave person to own it all and get honest and humble with those around them that they love and that love them back, and commit to getting the help they need. Just ask the countless brave people on this site. But I also hope the same for you. And you don’t deserve to have your life ruined because you wait and live in hope that one day (which may never come and STAY), that she reappears. You have been brave and taken the first step...keep taking care of you here. Heal your heart, and open it to another when you are ready. I wish you the best. LFW

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/18/2007 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry to hear the sad news Whiskey. Stay strong and I hope you have some support to help you heal.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/19/2007 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
anyone know how long these "episodes" usually last with a bipolar???

olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/20/2007 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   

pouli,

To tell you honestly, it is unique to each individual.  I can tell you that if unmedicated, BP symptoms can last several months or longer.  Even when receiving treatment it can last a short while, but not as long as one who does not receive trearment at all.  In some cases, people get better without any meds at all, but it is not frequent.



Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/20/2007 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey.. Thanks for letting me know..She has been on every medicine in the book, but the problem with her is that she gets off the medicines too soon and does not listen to her doctors...Is that a characteristic of a bipolar or BPD person.?? 

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/20/2007 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Pouli,

I won't speak for everyone, but I have done it before. I have stopped taking my meds because I felt good at the moment. But I have learned it is usually a disasterous thing to my recovery. I am probably gonna try to stay on meds from now on. I am not sure if it is just a BP thing, I think it has to do with people who have to take meds on a regular basis.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/20/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't think it's just a BP thing, Olivia. Docs always have to bug people to finish their antibiotics, right? I know when I was diagnosed as depressed the docs were just as adamant about staying on the meds, because many depressed patients stop taking their meds too.

I assume you're thinking of your friend, Pouli? How is that going?

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/20/2007 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
stilll havent heard a word from her....

Whiskey
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/21/2007 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again for all the advice. I've never been a man of great faith, but I've been praying like a nun in church the past couple of weeks, and I now believe that God WANTS me to keep trying. For now, I'm laying low and letting her take her time, but I've been talking to her friends and family, and they are just as adamant (sp?) on her getting help and us working things out. I realize that if we did get back together, this is a lifelong struggle, but I want to be there for her. We've been through far too much in our relationship, and I'm not going to give up so easily. I think I can handle the swings, and the changing medications, but I just hope she will want to get better. I wish I could find a support group for BP in my area, but the few websites I've seen don't list any. Might call the mental health clinic later to see if they can point me in any direction. Thanks everyone!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/23/2007 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Good luck Whiskey! Let us know how things are going. If she wants any support, feel free to point her to the site too. As you can see from the example of Footballfan and Dutchie, couples can both use this space to work things out.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

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