34 Yr. old professional male.
Twins on the way in April.
Just started Lamictal today. Been on Wellbutrin for 4 years and Cymbalta for 1 year. Feeling really, really awful lately. No suicidal thoughts ever, but I figured that I would share something that I wrote earlier today to give to my therapist and my pdoc.
Guilty. Hopeless. Lazy. Worthless. Fat. Stupid. Sick. a Waste.
Very, very low energy.
Taking at least one two-hour nap per day, usually between 11am and 3pm.
Watch television with wife until bedtime, 11 pm, little conversation.
Nighttime sleep comes pretty easily, around 11 pm. I use sports talk radio to fall asleep with to keep my mind from bothering me, something that I have always done.
Awake frequently, restless sleep. Mind racing, songs in my head, repeated phrases or names over and over. At least two urine breaks per night. Sometimes the loneliness or fear of my racing mind makes me put the radio back on, even if it is 3am.
Mind races with plans for how I will rebound the next day and get work done, exercise, clean house, do yard work, get projects done both small and large.
Awake for day at 7:30 and have breakfast with wife before she goes to work.
Send her on her way at 8:10 AM.
Dread any fixed appointments that I may have, although they are few and far between. I dread them and look for any excuse to avoid them or skip them.
Return into home and face the feeling of hopelessness and guilt, etc.
Go to computer or go back to bed to listen to radio or watch TV.
Often spend two or three hours on computer, looking at ****. Knowing it will make me feel crappy, I do it anyway.
Stomach is achy, and I wait too long to eat. When I eat, I try to damage myself with McDonalds or other crap that I know will make me feel even worse.
Driving through McDonalds I want to cry, eating it tastes kinda good, but I immediately want to cry and go to bed to escape.
Recent desire for help, wanting to be sick or injured so that I may check-out of responsibilities and have an excuse to stay in bed and be taken care of.
Hope for new skin cancer or some good excuse for checking out.
Hope for terrorist attack that will “close down” the world so that I can check out.
Guilty feeling at all times, like I should be elsewhere doing something else.
Getting along pretty well with wife.. Unable to really experience joy of her pregnancy. Frustrated with this lack of joy and happiness. Sense of humor is muted slightly, but still pretty good with wife and close friends. But, I try to avoid any and all social engagements.
Want to cry often, don’t cry though.
Just staring at the floor, wall. Able to sit motionless for 15 or 30 minutes moving nothing but breathing and eyes.
Unable to complete even smallest tasks such as putting away clean clothes, picking up dirty clothes, etc.
Getting fat and out of shape.Just dazed and lazy.