New Member - Here is my story

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UNH1995
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/20/2007 7:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello All.
34 Yr. old professional male.
Married.
Twins on the way in April.
 
Just started Lamictal today.  Been on Wellbutrin for 4 years and Cymbalta for 1 year. Feeling really, really awful lately.  No suicidal thoughts ever, but I figured that I would share something that I wrote earlier today to give to my therapist and my pdoc.
___________________

 

Very tired.

Guilty.  Hopeless.  Lazy.  Worthless.  Fat.  Stupid.  Sick.   a Waste.

Very, very low energy.

Taking at least one two-hour nap per day, usually between 11am and 3pm.

Watch television with wife until bedtime, 11 pm, little conversation. 

Nighttime sleep comes pretty easily, around 11 pm.  I use sports talk radio to fall asleep with to keep my mind from bothering me, something that I have always done.

Awake frequently, restless sleep.  Mind racing, songs in my head, repeated phrases or names over and over.  At least two urine breaks per night.  Sometimes the loneliness or fear of my racing mind makes me put the radio back on, even if it is 3am.

Mind races with plans for how I will rebound the next day and get work done, exercise, clean house, do yard work, get projects done both small and large.

Awake for day at 7:30 and have breakfast with wife before she goes to work. 

Send her on her way at 8:10 AM. 

Dread any fixed appointments that I may have, although they are few and far between.  I dread them and look for any excuse to avoid them or skip them.

Return into home and face the feeling of hopelessness and guilt, etc. 

Go to computer or go back to bed to listen to radio or watch TV.

Often spend two or three hours on computer, looking at ****.  Knowing it will make me feel crappy, I do it anyway.

Stomach is achy, and I wait too long to eat.  When I eat, I try to damage myself with McDonalds or other crap that I know will make me feel even worse. 

Driving through McDonalds I want to cry, eating it tastes kinda good, but I immediately want to cry and go to bed to escape.

Recent desire for help, wanting to be sick or injured so that I may check-out of responsibilities and have an excuse to stay in bed and be taken care of.

Hope for new skin cancer or some good excuse for checking out.

Hope for terrorist attack that will “close down” the world so that I can check out.

Guilty feeling at all times, like I should be elsewhere doing something else.

Getting along pretty well with wife..  Unable to really experience joy of her pregnancy.  Frustrated with this lack of joy and happiness.  Sense of humor is muted slightly, but still pretty good with wife and close friends.  But, I try to avoid any and all social engagements.

Want to cry often, don’t cry though.

Just staring at the floor, wall.  Able to sit motionless for 15 or 30 minutes moving nothing but breathing and eyes. 

Unable to complete even smallest tasks such as putting away clean clothes, picking up dirty clothes, etc.

Getting fat and out of shape.

Just dazed and lazy.
 

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/20/2007 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
UNH,

I want to welcome you to the HW family and the Bipolar forum. I hope you find the support you are looking for here. There are other people who are going through what you are going through and might be able to help.

I have read what you wrote and I am sorry that you are stuggling with feeling down. I hope it has helped you put those words on paper, that you were able to bring what you have been feeling to light. Again, I am sorry you feel so depressed and unble to accomplish what you want to do.

Lamictal is a good medicine, but it might take a short while to reach therapudic dose, so hang in there.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
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"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/20/2007 11:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi UNH,

I am so sorry that you are so very depressed. Not being able to be experiencing in the moment happenings like the joy of anticipating your twin daughters birth and not being an excitied prospective Daddy must be very hard. sad

I have dealt with very bad depression and had a lot of the same symptoms as you. My pdoc suggested an outpatient support group that got me out of the house for 5 days a week for about 6 hours each day that helped me out tremendously. It gave me a reason to get out of bed, into the shower and out the door. Even when I felt like not going, I pushed myself and went anyway. There were men and women there of all ages. We had group meetings where everyone took turns listening to everyone and they would all chip in with their suggestions, guided by a therapist. (Group Therapy)

There were medical doctors that came in and gave us interactive lectures on information/details of different types of mental disorders and education on different type of meds that were available.

There were many more interactive activities throughout the day with other patients who were feeling the same way we were and we all bonded and made new friends. The staff was wonderful and everything was covered by my insurance.

It was a very good experience for me. The class lasted for about 3-4 weeks depending on what each individuals needs were. Plus we had to see our Pdoc at least once a week for progress reports from the staff members and any med changes accordingly.

Maybe you can ask your doctor about a similar program for you. You have to make that first step. You have to push yourself to actively do even the tinyest positive thing for yourself daily.

I have two things for you to read. The first one I'll share with you, I don't know who wrote it but it goes  like this:

No matter how seemingly pointless the present moment may be, it's the only space in which we actually live. If we let it go by without participating in it, we don't live at all.

And the other is:

"The worst of all fears, is the fear of living."

~Theodore Roosevelt~

I hope you share your list with your doctors. Hang in there and please keep us posted.

                       

 

 



~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


UNH1995
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/21/2007 4:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the kind words Olivia and Sukay.
 
I will try to implement some of the suggestions and continue to survive!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/23/2007 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi UNH,

I think many of us can relate to your writing and your descriptions of depression. I'm glad you're keeping up with your pdoc appointments though. I hope the lamictal helps. Do you have a check up appointment with your doc in a week or two? I'd hate to think you were stranded without backup.

Just to reassure you, many many many people have depressions and mixed feelings about pregnancies and births. I don't mean your depression is related only to that, just that you needn't feel guilty about not being excited. Being a first time father is a daunting task, and with twins on the way, even moreso.

I agree with sukay that a little extra support might be just the thing right now -- a support group, a caring friend, a therapist. You need someone to talk to who can give you a little perspective and back up the work of those pills.

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


UNH1995
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/24/2007 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I am going to attend a local support group in Worcester tonight from 7 to 9 at UMASS Medical Center.
I dont have anything to lose!
Thanks!

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/24/2007 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Great News!!! I'm so proud of you for taking this step. I hope the meeting goes well. Please keep us posted and let us know how it went for you.
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


UNH1995
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/24/2007 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
It was a nice meeting, about 20 people. My wife came with me, and we both had a chance to speak. I think that I want to make it part of my healing, each monday night. Thanks for asking sukay! I hope that you are doing awesome!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/24/2007 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Excellent news UNH! I'm glad to hear you gave it a try and that it went well. It's especially sweet that your wife went with you. She must be worried about you.

I'm always so nervous to go to new meetings like that. You never know what you'll find. I'm glad you like yours. Hope you're feeling well. Keep us up to date!

serafena
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


UNH1995
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/25/2007 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the kind words, and i am lucky that my wife understands...it makes it easier!

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/25/2007 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
 
I am so glad that you have taken such a HUGE step forward. Be very proud of yourself! I know it took a lot of effort to get there. I'm so glad that your wife is so supportive and went with you. And I'm so glad that you are planning on going back and making it a part of your support system.
 
Remember, to get through each day, try to take a least one step (how tiny it may be) to do something positive!
 
What you did last night was one huge Giant step! Good for you.
 
Keep us posted! And if you ever need to talk we are all here for you.
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


yogamom
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 9/25/2007 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I am a new member as well and could identify with all that you wrote. I have struggled on and off with depression most of my life, starting as a young adult. Somehow it helps to know that there are others out there struggling with similar issues, although the best thing would be to know that you are getting the help you need. To other members - how long does it take to get stablized on Lamictal?
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