New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/24/2007 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Casem,
 
I've just been thinking about u.  How are you doing today? How did it go by your mom's yesterday? I hope it helped!
 
I had a little cold over the weekend so I just kind of hung out around the house. I watched a few baseball games (My Cubbies) and they won AGAIN!  ~Go Cubs Go!~
 
Today I have an appt. with my pdoc. So far this last batch of meds is doing pretty well for me. So I think I'll let him know I want to stay with this game plan for another month and see how things go.  I can always get in earlier if I need to, but I'm really optimistic about it.
 
So you enjoy a diet coke in the morning. So what, a lot of people do that. I saw your "TAG" post!...lol
 
Enjoy your day and continue to stay strong.
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/24/2007 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sukay,

My visit with my mom was great. I also stopped by a friend's house and went for a walk with her, her twin 5 yr. old daughters, and my dog (Spot). It was a great way to spend the day, and I was motivated to get more done around the house when I got home.

I signed up for "Curves" and am going to work out today after work!

I think night time is the hardest for me. I miss him alot. We always watched the Indians (AL Central Champs!) and Browns together and would just have fun cooking dinner and hanging out with the dog.

I am feeling very confident in my decisions, and I know he is not in his right mind......but I still keep asking myself those crazy questions.....was he just using me?....is it possible to just quit loving someone like he said?....maybe he hasn't loved me for quite some time?.....does he even miss me?.....will he change for this new girl?.....I know....pathetic, isn't it?

I am at work today and it occupies my time...

I am glad to hear your current meds are working well for you, and I hope your pdoc. appt. goes well. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place and that must bring some peace....I printed out the wonderful things that you and LFW said the other day, and refer to them often for support. (Except one of your posts was missing, and I don't know where to find it! It was the one where you explained your history with your husband. Maybe I am still new to this site....and I goofed?)

Maybe we can have a Cubs-Indians World Series???


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/24/2007 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem, I am glad your day went well. You took great care of yourself and that is a wonderful thing.

The questions that keep running in your mind are not crazy on your part...they are called human nature. However (and here is the tricky part), YOU have to consciously decide how much value, or brain time you are willing to invest in them. Here's what I mean...You already know the answers, they are not going to change, you were involved with a BP man (knowing it at first or not), you invested 3 1/2 years of your life and love, his condition was identified, he ran from it instead of embracing it, finding balance and overcoming it. With this dx he included running from you too as he can not longer be in hiding about it with you. Therefore, he has done and said anything he has to in order to justify his actions and fears, along with punish you for knowing the truth about him and making you bad and wrong in the process. Now…you can play the game in your head about will he or won't he one day be better with someone else and give all the "goodies" to her...and here's the truth...it doesn’t matter…and most likely NO. But, if he ever did, what you need to know is, it won't be tomorrow, it won't be next week or even this year, or next. He has a long road to wellness to climb. When the person runs in the opposite direction of something like this, then they end up putting further distance from their wellness and make the road harder for themselves in the end - IF THEY EVER EVEN DO IT. He will now seek people who will be vulnerable and manipulatable to be able to "hide out" from. AND - trust me if he is REALLY engaged in any relationship right now, it would be about hiding, blame, ultimately abuse no matter how it looks on the outside....etc; Nothing real, nothing lasting.

Ask yourself this, if you knew that in 3 or 5 years time he would stop running, get responsible, but between now and then you were put through ABSOLITE HELL, betrayed, lied to, blamed, abused, neglected, your needs never met..etc. Would you want to wait it out knowing that even though he may find some balance, a life with a BP like this would be a life of ups and downs with no assurances that there wouldn't be more bouts of that same 3-5 years of HELL over and over again? Is that the life your want for YOURSELF? If the answer is NO (which I would hope it would be) then don’t waste any energy of your wonderful precious life on the, “what if’s, if only, will he?????”, stuff. YOU detach, look realistically at the situation and YOU OPT OUT. Don’t wait for him to decide that. YOU decide it for yourself. Then, what he does or doesn’t do is no longer of consequence to you. Does that make sense? Then you are truly free to get on with your life.

Prior to marriage I had 2 long term relationships. The first ended truthfully. It hurt like hell, but it had integrity. The second was a “hiding out” set up. He was not a BP, but he had problems that after 5+ years I was definitely privy to and he could not hide from the truth. As a result, I became too difficult for him to have a relationship with. So suddenly, “He never loved me – as he now didn’t know what love between a man and woman really was, he claimed to never have experienced it! But gee, he was grateful to me for all I did for his dying mom!” When questioned about all the times he professed his undying love for me, the times I had over the 5 years tried to end it and he convinced me to stay and work at it. He told me over and over again in those 5+ years, “I was the most important and beloved woman in the world to him and he simply can’t envision his life without me by his side, he had no words to express the level of his love for me – the emotion was overwhelming…that he was committed that we to therapy and work out whatever issues were between us, etc. So on the day he came over on his lunch hour to “end things” and I questioned him proclamation of not loving me, and I said…”so you have been lying to me?” He said he meant it when he said it, and stopped after he said it. AKA – manipulated me, used me, was damaged inside him for a multitude of reasons he didn’t want to see…was a total sociopath (Definition: someone who will do or say anything they have to in order to get their needs met, regardless if it is good or bad for the other person! These people don’t care. It is ONLY about them.) Here’s what I learned in the end about questioning your own reality…DON”T, it gets you nowhere fast and wastes your time. Because in the end, your reality is already correct. It is just the equivalent of being on a emotional hamster wheel. You already KNOW the answers. TRUST YOU, NOT HIM. If you opt out because this is not acceptable in YOUR life, then YOU are in control of it. He can no longer hurt you. Don’t be surprised that if he really sees you getting on with it, he may try and manipulate you back…DON”T BUY IN. Mine did it. I tried to end things a year earlier, I was calm, rational, seeing things VERY clearly and trying to end us with dignity and love for both of us, but I saw it wasn’t working and probably never would. But, he manipulated me back, I stupidly bought in. Then when I went to end it again with dignity again, as I didn’t want the game playing in my life and I felt that I could only choose for myself what is okay with me or not, and something he did wasn’t okay with me and I was not about controlling him. I felt that was his job. He AGAIN, manipulated me back with the PERFECT words and actions. Only, now it was about holding on to me long enough to find my replacement, and the minute he did….I was thrown out like yesterdays garbage and treated like I was the crazy one. I was not though, but the damage was done to me by then. It took me YEARS to build myself back up to trust my own instincts, feelings, etc.

You don’t have to go through that. Let what I learned benefit YOU. Again, if you were my own daughter, I would share the same things. The truth is already here. You have all your answers. The rest is just a game you are playing with yourself that will add NO value to you whatsoever. It will ONLY damage you. So choose to stop yourself when the “what if’s” and such start. Recite what you already know is the truth to yourself, and then…let go again and get on with it. Repeat this process as often as you need to, but do not look back toward him. Only at yourself in how you can see the signs clearer and earlier in the future. Draw to you a healthy man who can be your equal and you will spend a lifetime fulfilling each others needs. Not just his. I hope this helped. LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/24/2007 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   

LFW....

I don't know what I would do without the posts from everyone. It's as if you have been sitting with me for the past 3+ years and are inside my head. You say the exact thing I need to hear....whether I want to hear it or not.  I am sure I would've called him by now, and I am sure I wouldn't be thinking about myself. But I am.

I want a happy marriage, and I want children. He is not even close to giving me those things, and I dont want to wait anymore. I am consciously making the decision to move forward toward what I WANT, not waiting for him to tell me what he wants. It is a difficult thing, especially when I look back and see I have chosen every serious bf b/c I wanted to be the savior and "fix" them. I do feel like I failed, but I need to be honest about my chances and motives in the first place.

His manipulation was so extraordinary...and i never really saw it until now...i sit and here and think....what a terrible disorder. and i agree......he can't hide any of it from me anymore....so he needs to fill his immediate needs and find someone else he can hide from. He'll find immediate gratification, but he is destined for the same results.....

I will let myself hurt now and then, but I will keep the questions to a minimum, b/c I never will really now the truth anyway. All that matters is today's reality.

Have you ever thought that your experiences and the suffering you have endured has allowed you to help others tremendously? I would never wish the bp life on anyone, but you have managed to make such a difference in other's lives, rather than let it destroy you.

Thanks, again, for everything!


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/24/2007 5:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem, You are a brave and smart young lady to tell the truth to yourself and admit that you are seeking men you can save or fix. If you find out what is that part of you craving that, fix it within yourself, you will have a better chance at finding a lasting love.

After my 2 major relationships prior to marriage didn't work and ended for the various reasons, I elected to not date for a period of time that I could focus on me and reflect on how I was allowing the wrong traits in men to enter my life. Why wasn't I seeing it for what it was? Why was I ignoring the signs? Why wasn't I taking better care of me? I spend 3 years doing intensive therapy, encounter soul searching groups...etc. Once I started dating again, I was much more cautious about jumping in with my heart. Then I met my husband. We fell in love. I knew he was a complex man, but by then I knew what were the essential traits I wanted in a partner. I sought out my 5 or 10 top things I needed and wanted in a person. And I got them, and they are part of why our marriage works (as challenged as it may be with the BP too). It just so happens that it also came packaged up in a man with BP, and as I have said several times while posting here, by comparison, my husband’s issues are definitely on the milder end of the spectrum (which is NOT to say it is therefore not hard and painful to live with sometimes…because it is…a lot!). The symptoms all exist, the moodiness, racing thoughts, low frustration tolerance, sleep issues...etc. But, we have never come close to needing to put him in a hospital, he has never cheated on me, he doesn't spend excessive money without thinking of our future and our family too - he defers those big ticket items to me most of the time, he has never disappeared for days on end, and when he growls at me he never says he doesn’t love me, call me names or throw things, he never make threats against me, etc. You see my point I am sure. While yes, we are challenged on a day to day life dealing with the stability of moods and it feels like more of the "here today-gone tomorrow" stuff, and the one minute doing fine, sweet happy...the next growling because there is too much going on at once for him. The basic traits in someone I NEEDED and DESIRED are still there. An example is if I EVER need my husband, it wouldn't matter what mood he was in, or where he was, if I ever REALLY need him, he will get to my side and be loving and supportive of me NO MATTER WHAT. That is just one thing, there are countless. So my dear, my point is BP or not, I have a wonderful husband who when he learned what it was...he didn't run. And while there is STILL room for tremendous improvement in my eyes, he's a wonderful guy who I love. No matter what - I know he respects me, and I respect him - even if due to the BP he doesn't always speak to me or treat me as respectfully as he could and should. But the foundation of the man inside is a good solid one…even if he drives me CRAZY much of the time (LOL).

If my sharing with you and talking straight has made a difference to you, I am so flattered and grateful that some of my experiences has helped another person. I think you are definitely on the right path now. Your future is bright and can be anything you want it to be. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/25/2007 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Casem,

I'm glad to hear your day went well too. And just want to emphasize one small point again.

You said "but I still keep asking myself those crazy questions.....was he just using me?....is it possible to just quit loving someone like he said?....maybe he hasn't loved me for quite some time?.....does he even miss me?.....will he change for this new girl?.....I know....pathetic, isn't it?"

It's not pathetic. That's part of being in love and being heartbroken. You're doing just fine.
Serafena
Bipolar Forum Moderator

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/25/2007 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Casem

Hello! I'm so happy that your day went so well on Sunday! You needed that.

Ya know...I really like what Serafena just posted to you.

I totally agree!  ~Hugs to You~


~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, December 04, 2016 5:31 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,452 posts in 301,021 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151186 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, debbixij.
202 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Nana 2, Psilociraptor, 73monte, mtm3461, reminder, Tudpock18, Big Mac, Graytech


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer