Just when I thought everything was finally going well

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sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/26/2007 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Gang,
 
This last batch of meds I have been on for the last 3 months I thought was taking me to a better place. During the last 3 months I have been very stressed about some issues that I'm going through in my life and my Crohns had flared up big time.
 
I kept telling my pdoc what was going on in my life and that I wanted to stick with meds "as is" for a little longer because I  was feelling somewhat better but really didn't know how well it would work out for me since a lot was going on in my life at the current time. So I wanted to see how it was all going to pan out.
 
Well lately, I have been feeling Great...as the stress level went down (I thought because I was working hard at paining attention to my triggers and staying away from them) and my crohns was getter better under control, I continued to feel even better.
 
Now my husband has always been one to keep an open eye on me. He has been bringing things to my attention as this new person evolves and told me last night that he is worried that I may be heading for a mania episode.
 
I have to admit, when he brings certain things to my attention, I too start to question myself. As I don't notice the things that he is bringing up until he shares them with me.
 
Just when I think I have finally come to a healthy place with my illness...I have to continue to monitor myself and make sure things don't get out of hand.
 
Oh well, been here before....I hope it's not the same vicious cycle again!
 
Anyway, I am going to continue to go with the game plan that I am feeling well and just go with the flow. This morning is beautiful and I am planning on going for a long walk on the trails.
 
I'm going to try to me more aware and watch MYSELF and see if I can notice things in myself before my husband has to bring it to my attention.
 
Thanks for listening....
 
 
 
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/26/2007 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
It never seems to end, sometimes, does it, Sukay? But you seem very smart about it. Keep an eye on the symptoms and let your pdoc know before they get out of hand. You may just be feeling good, but you know, best be careful.

My husband also helps me keep an eye on my symptoms. Thank heavens he's a stable, sensible person (mostly.) *smirk* I'm think we're very lucky to have that backup, because it is so hard to tell sometimes when the BP is manipulating our emotions -- when we're demonstrating patterns that we'd never be able to see from the "inside."
Serafena
Bipolar Forum Moderator

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/26/2007 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Sukay,

I know I am very new to the bp world, but I think you should still feel great and be very proud of yourself for being so attentive to your emotions and triggers. Your husband is just part of your attentive system.....helping you be aware of other types of signs....and helping to keep you in the middle. I wouldn't look at it as a bad thing. You are taking that information and still moving ahead in a positive direction.  There has been progress, and that is tremendous. You are still just as attentive, and even going for a walk and clearing your head shows a great reaction to the situation.

This may be a silly analogy....but, humor me....

I am a certified interior designer and I spend most of my day on AutoCAD producing construction drawings. I could spend hours on end making sure every detail is accurate down to the last door header and light fixture. I could bet a million dollars everything is perfect...but I still have a peer review my drawing sets....because another set of eyes is always a good thing. We are human and no matter how hard we try...we can't catch everything ourselves! Another set of eyes helps us catch the things we missed before it goes too far....or in my case, before the contractor is trying to build something and calls me to say my drawings are wrong! Ultimately, the drawings are my responsibility, but I rely heavily on my peers for that "second set of eyes". 

Have a great day....and love yourself for your progress!


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/26/2007 8:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, I FULLY agree with what has been said....THIS IS ALL GOOD NEWS. You said your husband said you "may" be going into mania. If you now keep that "3rd" watchful eye on yourself, you can manually keep you in range and allow yourself to enjoy feeling good, while keeping you in normal range. The old "objects may be closer than they appear" in the mirror adage. My point… You know what is "normal range", so if you find yourself heading to go outside it in behavior (i.e. suddenly desiring going on a spending spree, or not getting your sleep, talking a mile a minute - shut yourself down instead - so rather than go shopping go to lunch and movie with a friend, go take a yoga or dance class; if your not sleeping - force yourself to take a luxury hot bubble bath before bed with a glass of warm milk, or tea, or exhaust yourself with the hubby doing bed calisthenics (if you know what I mean); if you are talking a mile a minute - stop yourself by limiting how much you say and ask yourself to stop and listen to ANYTHING the other person is saying so you focus on them until the "urge" passes), manually outsmart yourself. The key is the 3rd ‘monitoring full time’ eye on yourself. What you may find is that you aren't going into mania and are just really feeling good and you find you stay in normal ranges too. Because unless your husband said you ARE IN a mania phase, he was just seeing signs that indicate one may be coming. Just knowing THAT may be enough to keep you in control?

Again, look how far you have come with this disease, your husband says he sees something and your response is "oh, I need to keep a watchful eye on myself...I think I will take a nice walk today and do some reflection so I keep myself balanced!" WOW, you certainly have overcome the fear & flight response!!!!!!!!!!! You get it now...nothing to fear, just something to learn how to manage where the medication doesn't automatically cover it. Awesome. I hope you are as proud of you as the rest of us are! (And glad to hear life has gotten easier on the stress front too - always a good thing.) LFW

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/26/2007 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay,

You definetly want to have your symptoms cheked out, before they get out of hand. Especially since your hubby noticed your mood changed.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/26/2007 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gang!
 
Thanks for your concern and all of your support!  I was moving kind of in the fast mode this morning, so I decided to take a slow down by offering my son (who is able to fen for himself) a pancake breakfast. He enjoyed that.
 
I didn't rush out the door but took care of the basic house cleaning duties for the day first. Later I ran some errands. I usually listen to talk radio in the car, but today tried a little music. I put in some hard rock and I started to get really pumped up! And I realized that this type of energy usually arrives when I'm headed for mania. So took the C.D.out (Axle Rose - Welcome to the Jungle!)...lol and put the talk radio back on. That instantly got me to a better place.
 
Then when I got home I spent some time with my dog and cat out on the deck and just chilled with them.
 
Finally around 2PM I went for my 1hour walk through the woods/trail like I wanted to do. But instead of vigorously walking like I was planning on doing, I just took my sweet time. I brought no headphones and just absorbed everything around me. I stopped to stare at the big web that was across the hole of a hollowed tree and the HUGE spider inside it. As I slowly walked through the woods I heard some rustling in the woods and looked around very quietly to see what it was. It was a deer, so I check it out for some time. Later I heard more rustling near the water so I crept in a little closer and watched a raccoon(?) scurry about along the side of the river. I basically kept my mind only on what I was experiencing in the woods at that moment. It felt good and very relaxing.
 
I came home and made some dinner for my hubby and then took a long shower. I got in my jammies early (6:30 PM) and then watched the Cubs lose, AGAIN!
 :o(  During the game I started to get some anxiety, a lot more than usual. And it wasn't because the Cubs were loosing! lol...My husband was there and I told him what was happening to me and he can usually always talk me through an anxiety attack, with getting me to focus on my breathing. But this time it was more than I have felt in a long time, and the breathing exercise wasn't working. My heart was racing so fast, and I felt the jitters throughout my whole body and yet I felt that I could fall asleep as soon as I would lay my head down!  So I put a pillow to my head to see if that would happen but nothing got better. I had to take a xanax and soon after that, I was calmed down and back to normal. I don't know why the sudden outburst, besides that this usually happens before I enter in to one of my mania episodes.
 
I'm really trying to focus this time around on changing my reactions to things and triggers so I don't end up the same way and have to start a new adjustment of my meds again. I really want to be proactive and make good decisions about altering the way I just let things take over on me. I'm trying to be more aware and make the necessary detours along the way this time. Something I haven't/was able to do before.
 
So, so what if I had to resort to taking a xanax for my anxiety attack...that is what it is there for and I hardly have issues with my anxiety anymore where I have to resort to taking a xanax.
 
I feel good again right now. I got through this day with handling the issues in a new way and I feel good about it.  Tomorrow is another day. I will be aware of the struggles I had to overcome today and use that to remind myself that I need to continue to be aware and make changes in my behavior as needed, and see if that can get me through another day.
 
I think I will be able to catch myself getting out of hand, at least I hope to like I did today. Plus my hubby has his eyes open. It's just such a new and exciting approach that I'm just learning about and trying very hard to put into action and hoping that will help.
 
Well Goodnight for now. And thank you to everyone who replied. The reinforcements are good!
 

~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/26/2007 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Big HIGH FIVE to you Sukay! Great job today. You took GREAT care of yourself and made excellent choices that supported your wellness. And YES xanax is there for that reason. No one says you have to white knuckle this, when you need that support, take it. You didn't reach for it first, you tried the organic methods, but they were not proving effective. That's when to turn to the next step. The more you make these great choices, the better and easier it will get. Just keep that third eye going and outsmart the BP like you did when you took off Axle Rose and listened to talk radio, or took that walk without the headphones and allowed yourself to be swept up and calmed by the beauty and magic around you (how glorious the deer and raccoon must have been). Then you elicited help from your husband when you needed it, and didn't allow it to get out of hand. WOW, ALL great choices that refused to give in to the mania. YOU GO GIRL...Keep this up, you are doing GREAT! Be aware it may get harder at times, but the basic premise is the same...checks and balances!!!!!!!!! LFW

pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/27/2007 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   
i am up reading your messages tonight, and there is one point that I do want to make.. I am not a BP, but when there is a full moon, i get very anxious, can't sleep etc. So, that might be part of the mania onset today.(you think)? I am learning so much from these boards about my friend who is BP.  I still have not talked with her for 2 months since she ended the friendship for no reason.  I am very sad about it, but realize really there is nothing I can do..But, I did think that maybe after a month or two, she would not be in one of her episodes and come back to normal thinking again.  Anyone out there that can help gear me as to what I can expect in these next months.And I dying to know what she is thinking about our frienship..She has to be missing me too. We were like sisters..  Whe I read the description of a  Borderline, she fits the bill exaxtly.  We have always connected again somehow, usually me calling her.. But,Iam afraid that if I call , it might work for a while only to crumble again..I am just being very weak right now and would appreciate any words of advice whether they are something I want to hear or not..one more question. What is she still felling right now..Is she still in a episode mabey and not thinking realistically.?
Is she missing me at all or just going about her dailly business.??Maybe someone out there with BP can enlightned me to make me better understand what she might be going through..thanks very much.. pouli

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/27/2007 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Pouli,

I understand what you mean about the full-moon and how it affects people. It is true. I use to work in the emergency room at a hospital, and when there was a full moon, there were a lot of people with mental illnesses that flooded the ER. I know last night was a full moon and I thought about that as well when my daughter came home and told me what a clear night it was last night and how huge and beautiful the full moon looked, (as I was already in an anxiety attack.)

I posted to your other concerns on a new post that I started titled, "Pouli...missing B/P friend." I hope you find it and it helps you in some way.

Have a Good Day! :-)


~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/27/2007 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Sukay!  That was very thoughtful of you!! Pouli

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/27/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you had a hard evening Sukay. I hope you're feeling better today. LFW's right. You did a great job of taking care of yourself yesterday and trying to calm the Axl Rose within. You even did a great job fighting off the anxiety. Keep up this great self care, but if it continues for more than another day or two, definitely let the pdoc know.
Serafena
Bipolar Forum Moderator

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/27/2007 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Anxiety is no walk in the park, I was having really bad panic attacks earlier in the week and can trully sympothise. You are doing so much good stuff for you and your family don't let the funky parts drag you down. If things get worse, you should contact your pdoc.
Olivia
Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/1/2007 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
[I deleted Dasa's and flbutterfly's posts since both were moved to new threads on the main page. I also deleted my and Olivia's responses to them because they would be confusing without the original messages.]
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/1/2007 5:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Gang,

Just thought I'd update you.  Last Monday I saw my Pdoc. When he invited me into his office, I loudly stated, "Eureka!  I think we have finally found the right dosage of meds, because I feel GREAT!" I guess I kinda startled him because his eyes became very wide and assured me that we have plenty of leway to adjust the meds if we need to. When I saw the look on his face, I realized I was a little to loud and excited when I first entered his office. And needed to stay grounded.

The beginning of the week was Great. By mid week I realized I was getting more and more irritable but I continued to strive to stay in the moment and adjusted my actions/reactions appropriately.  It was hard, but I did it.

By the end of the week my stressful issues that I was having before hand came upon me full circle again. Not bi-polar wise, just some personal private issues.

Now the last two days I am feeling in a rut! I am starting to isolate myself and feel that I am heading for either a huge meltdown or deep depression again. My husband see's it too. I just don't have the energy anymore to fight this.

I see my therapist tomarrow and will fill her in. I am so trying to stay strong and aware of what is happening to me and trying so hard to keep  myself out of the deep waters.

I believe it is time for me to ask for an ER visit with my Pdoc and get my meds adjusted once again. I don't see this stressful issue that I am going through again right now clearing up any time soon! It consumes me all day and all night. If it weren't for this situation I think I would be doing fine with handling things on my own. That is what really Su***! But I guess life dishes all type of crap our way and we have to find a healthy way to deal with it, and I can't yet do it alone. I need the adjustment to keep me in a safe place.

 


~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 10/1/2007 5:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Your walk sounded so nice & relaxing.My cuppa tea.
SnowyLynne


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/1/2007 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, hang in there and reach out. YOU ARE doing all the right things and that does include when you see you need help, asking for it - which you are. Your husband as the back up is great. But YOU are doing such a good job. You do have the energy to do this...just look - you are doing it. Just for some perspective. As a non BP, but a person with fibromyalgia, I have days when my ability to function declines (like today) and I have been in bed more than 1/2 the day. But, if I give my body that time it needs, then it allows me to get up and function again. I will work to get a good night sleep and try again tomorrow and hope this episode passes. I never in the end did make it to the gym today to do my rehab, the fatigue just kept getting worse and worse and landed me in bed. So...my point...even us non-BP's sometimes feel the same. And thus far, you are doing a great job of taking care of it all responsibly. Give yourself full credit! Hugs, LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/2/2007 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   

Sukay,

I Agree with LFW 100%. Don't be so hard on yourself. Can I offer another perspective from a non-BP....I have two major health issues: terrible anxiety problems and terrible food allergies...eggs, wheat, corn, shellfish, and sulfites. When I don't eat well (my options are limited)..i feel sick for days. Last night I made this great soup...well the mix had sulfites in it. My whole body aches for hours...every joint, every muscle. My throat swells, my asthma kicks in and then I panic. I basically am a wreck. I then take all of the appropriate meds and stay in bed until I feel like I can move again. I am home from work today b/c my body is just beat up. But that is just one day....and I know what I need to go to feel better....eat the right foods and drink lots of water....take a xanax and take a walk....

We sometimes are too hard on ourselves, but we are human. The important thing is that we never give up. You are doing all of the right things..be more forgiving of the off days and know that, overall, you are doing great.

Stay Strong!
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/3/2007 5:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Update:
 
Went to see my therapist yesterday. I explained to her how it has been going for me. She said she thinks I am doing a great job. (Just like most of you are saying. :-) ) She also said that she believes my depression is coming from the stress issues that came back in my life. All the stress had come to head earlier that morning before my appt. and I felt a huge weight lifted from me.  She doesn't think I need to see my pdoc and have my meds adjusted. She said I am doing very well and need to continue to do what I am doing. She continued to say what Casem and LFW has been telling me,... that what I am doing is how everybody has to cope from day to day.
 
Thanks so much for helping out guys. I was so worried that after all my hard work I was headed for the same vicious cycle.
Your support means a lot to me.
 
Sincerely,
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/3/2007 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay,

I am glad that things are better. You are doing a great job, you are hanging on. Stress, that's a funny thing, it is usually out to destroy you. Nothing good happens when you are stressed, instead it affects all aspects of your life. I am highly stressed right now to the point I made myself sick.

While you are waiting for your med change, try to do stuff to relax you. You deserve it! Keep us updated, you know where to find us. (((hugs)))
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell:
 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/3/2007 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, My son's therapist pointed out at his last session that in some ways, he has NO IDEA what "normal" range is, or how non-BP's deal or feel about stuff. He doesn't have an experience of what everyone deals with. All the focus is always on his dealing with it through BP. BUT...with that said, he said in time he will learn to gage it. I see his point. I think in time so will you. Start asking emotionally healthy and balanced non BP's around you how they would feel or cope with similar situations and listen to the answers. It will sound much like yourself at this point. You will begin to see where the "normal" ranges are for things and will see when you go outside them. ALL good stuff. You are DOING GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't be happier for you! LFW
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