Pouli...Missing B/P Friend

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sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/27/2007 5:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Pouli,
 
Pouli wrote: I am learning so much from these boards about my friend who is BP.  I still have not talked with her for 2 months since she ended the friendship for no reason.  I am very sad about it, but realize really there is nothing I can do..But, I did think that maybe after a month or two, she would not be in one of her episodes and come back to normal thinking again.  Anyone out there that can help gear me as to what I can expect in these next months.And I dying to know what she is thinking about our frienship..She has to be missing me too. We were like sisters..  Whe I read the description of a  Borderline, she fits the bill exaxtly.  We have always connected again somehow, usually me calling her.. But,Iam afraid that if I call , it might work for a while only to crumble again..I am just being very weak right now and would appreciate any words of advice whether they are something I want to hear or not..one more question. What is she still felling right now..Is she still in a episode mabey and not thinking realistically.?
Is she missing me at all or just going about her dailly business.??Maybe someone out there with BP can enlightned me to make me better understand what she might be going through..thanks very much.. pouli
 
Pouli,
 
When I was first diagnosed with B/P, I withdrew myself from practically everyone. While being in the hospital I couldn't think of anyone else, let alone myself. I was pretty messed up. My best friend called me there and I wasn't ready to take calls from anyone. Only my husband. I didn't want any visitors except for my husband and 3 children.
 
By the time I came home I was better but still not myself and I still wasn't ready to take any calls or visitors. My husband just basically filled everyone in that was concerned for me.
 
I fell into a very deep depression and never reached out to my best friend. I stopped all contact with her. I just couldn't bring myself to have enough energy to talk about "How I was doing." It was just too stressful for me. Believe me I did need her, but it was just too stressful for me to start from the beginning and explain what I went through and what I was going through at that time. So I avoided her for a very, very long time.
 
I never was able to once think about what it was doing to her or how it made her feel. My mind was just not working like that. I never wanted this to happen, it just did because of what I was going through.
 
Eventually as much time passed and I was able to think more clearly, I would send her a note to let her know I was thinking of her or an e-mail about us possibly getting together. But everything was on my terms. Her calling me and trying to make plans with me was such a huge stressor for me...(Committments that I didn't even know if I could keep and if I couldn't I didn't want to deal with the stress of coping out)
 
We eventually did get together but it wasn't the same type of relationship that we had before. I became this very closed up person and I never was able to become connected to the conversations. The visits were very short. BTW...I was regularly seeing my Psych and a therapist through all of this.
 
As time progressed further, we would exchange a brief e-mail here or there just to say Hi....thinkin of you. This went on for a long time too. We both new our friendship was on a different level.  Later she would be there to see me in one of my mania episodes, where I would meet her for a girls night out to have a quick bite to eat and then some drinks...(which for me turned into many drinks!) She was happy to see me again and we were having a blast together. (She didn't understand that I was in a manic state) But then I would crash, AGAIN and avoid her AGAIN. By then she had learned a lot about Bi-polar as she got educated.
 
What we have left of our friendship today is different from what we had in the beginning.  We are still best friends, but I am a different person today because of my illness. She knows I go in and out of her world for periods of time. She gets that now.
 
But my advise to you, for what has helped me the best was not phone calls (because for me everyday was different and still is sometimes and that was pressure/stressful for me) but was an occasional card from her in the mail to just basically say, "Thinkin of you" with no committments of replying back or plans for getting together. Just something that let me know she was thinking of me and hoping for the best for me. An off the wall funny card helped tremendously...again with no pressure attached to it.
 
I was finally able to send little e-mails and cards back to her. It took me a very long time to actually "Think" in reality what everything I had gone through had put her through during the process! I am so glad that she was there to support me through all of this. Like I said, what we have today is not what we had before. She knows I pop in and out of her life with long periods in between. But we still keep in contact (how I have mentioned previously) and sometimes we do get together now,... and it is like Old Times again and we have a blast together! :o) (And I am not in a manic state either)....but then I disappear again as this illness constantly has me up and down. Living with this illness takes me to places like that, and my meds are always being adjusted to try to get me to that level place. But for me...having it for the last 4 years have been very up and down and on a emotional rollercoaster for everyone involved.
 
Finally now there are times when I can actually be there for her and be a part of helping her with what she is going through,... but remember, I still am not a constant in her life or her's in mine. It's getting better and I'm sure things will eventually get even better for us.
 
IMO...she doesn't realize what she is putting you through. So for now just send that occassional card/e-mail so that she is constantly reminded that you are there for her. When she is ready...in a better place...she will get back in contact with you.  If you are willing to be a part of her support team you have to learn more about B/P and keep yourself in a healthy place through it all. When she gets to healthier place with her B/P she will be back....thanking you for all the support you have given her and how much she appreciates you for accepting her as she is.
 
Hang in there Pouli, I know it is tearing you up. But it is no piece of cake for her either. Take good care of yourself.
 
Sincerely,
 

~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/27/2007 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you're having a hard time missing your friend, Pouli. There's a mourning period involved when we "lose" a friend, no matter the reason. I still don't think you should call her. And I can't tell you what's going on in her mind. I don't know if she's missing you, although I bet she too misses what she believes you "used" to have. Look back through the old discussion on this poor girl and remind yourself how angry and betrayed you felt when she first ended your friendship. I say that not because I want you to be in pain, obviously, but to remind you that this person is a negative influence in your life, that she mistreats you, and that you deserve better.
Serafena
Bipolar Forum Moderator

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


pouli
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/28/2007 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
You are so right!! Thank you so much. .Will keep reminding myself of that.....God is in control!! Thanks again for the reminder.... It is just what I needed... Pouli

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/28/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad I could be helpful. I wish we could all have buttons -- you know, the little pins -- on our shirts to remind us "You deserve better," for all the little ways we let others mistreat us, for all the ways we mistreat ourselves.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

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