Feeling down, depressed today

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Casem
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/27/2007 9:33 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible this week. I had my first flight in a private jet on Tuesday (travel for work), and I have been walking with the dog at night. I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday, and had a blast.....until we started talking about a wedding we are all attending this Saturday. The original plan was that Michael and i would go together....so now I am left as a single in a sea of couples. My self esteem is at the lowest it has been in years, as I have gained quite a bit of weight dealing with the stress of his BP over that last year. I am self-conscious and don't want to be around anyone. and I am missing him alot.
 
I talked to his dad yesterday, and found out that michael's middle son is in the hospital for mono. I was a mother figure to the boys for 3 years, and I miss them terribly. I also think I saw him yesterday morning driving when he should've been at work. A financing company (for his car) called me yesterday because they haven't received his payment. In the past year, his dad and I have worked together to try to help him pay all bills, etc, so all of the creditors now me by name.  he made think he was doing great, back to work, on with a new relationship, and i was the problem......even though we knew the facts...that hurt. But here he is with the same problems.....I feel sorry for him and I miss him.
 
his dad isn't as proactive and knowledgable about BP as I am....and they dont' see each other much due to different work schedules. Who is trying to help him? Why hasn't he called? Why doesn't he miss me? I am sure he is hurting....but now he relies on this new girl for understanding and love. I just want to reach out and help and I miss spending time with him. I know what is best for both of us is that he get help.....and I can't make him....my heart is hurting for him....i thought i made a difference in he and the boys life....
 
Casem
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serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
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   Posted 9/27/2007 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry to hear about your sadness, Casem. It must be just awful watching someone you love self-destruct. Happier times are ahead, even if you can't see it now. You are doing the right things -- getting out of the house, seeing friends, giong to the wedding. Could you go and see the boy in the hospital, even if you're cut off from his father? Does he want you out of the boys' life too? The boys miss you too, I don't doubt, and are probably pretty confused.
Serafena
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Casem
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/27/2007 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
His son was released yesterday, so I wasn't able to see him. He didn't specifically say that he wanted me out of the boys life, but I think it was implied with our break up. I have considered calling their mom (his ex) and talk about this situation, but she is not very understanding regarding the BP. She thinks he is just a lazy a**. She does appreciate the relationship between the boys and myself, so I am sure she would love to arrange a visit. I think I feel weird, though...if he thought I betrayed him before....can you imagine if I were to visit with the boys and his ex? WOAH!

I know time is the only thing that will heal some of this pain....i appreciate the understanding ears here on the board!!
 
Casem
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olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 9/27/2007 11:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem,

I am sorry that you can't visit the boys that you miss, unfortunetly that is the hard part of breaking up. You should learn to try to have fun again. Don't let his misery dictate your life. Go to the wedding, have fun with your friends, and do it without any guilt. You deserve to have fun too.
Olivia
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sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 9/27/2007 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
~BIG HUG~
From Me to You

~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/27/2007 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the positive words and the ~~HUGS~~!

Tomorrow is a new day.....I hope you guys are feeling great today and having a peaceful day.
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/27/2007 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem, I know you are feeling down, and feeling that you are missing him. This pain is part of the healing that there is no way "around" just THROUGH. Also, I have to ask, are you missing "him - as he is NOW and ALL the pain and betrayal", or the "him - of the early days when you felt connected and blissfully in the dark to what his true issues were with the BP", or the "him - of how you 'dreamed' it would be as you envisioned your future"? If you can recognize which "missing him" it is, it will help you get honest and then you can get on with mourning your loss (and regardless of which it is, it is a loss"). I know it hurts, and that is partly because it feels incomplete for you. The IMMENSE SENSE of wanting to "care for this man and make him alright" is very powerful. The fact is you can't fix him. And he can't and won't help to complete this with you with any sense of dignity – so it does make it harder to let go. Here are some things that will help on the days of pain so you don't get lost in the "if only" dreams, or wishes...and things that you can do to help complete this for yourself so there is NOT unfinished business for you.
1) Write a letter to yourself telling the truth about his behavior, abuse, neglect of YOUR needs. Acknowledge how it feels to have loved and illness or not, not had that compassionately returned with consistency. Tell yourself what YOU want for YOUR life and list it out – YOUR hopes and dreams for YOUR future. Then get honest if being with him was meeting those dreams.
2) Now, write a letter to him acknowledging your letting go, your wishes for him in his life, say goodbye to him the way you wish you could have done face to face (with honor, dignity, and love honoring what you felt you had together), and how sad it has made you to feel betrayed by his lack of appreciation and returned love. Then wish him well. Sign your name, put it in an envelope and stick it in a drawer or box with all his things and put it away in the closet. OR send it to his father and ask to have it given to Michael if he ever gets in his right mind again, or chooses wellness.
3) Lastly, obviously those boys matter to you a great deal, and that has been a special thing. Write them a letter explaining that you will always hold them in your heart, will love them forever, just like you loved their dad. But that for reasons beyond your control, it was time for their dad and you to part. If they ever need you, want to see you (if it okay by their mom), you will always be there for them. Tell them that you have left word with their mom how to reach you. Share your hopes and wishes for them, and that you send them all kinds of hugs and love. Explain that you didn’t want the parting of you and their dad to be left incomplete, and confusing for them as to where you were, and why you weren’t around anymore. Then say goodbye with love. Mail this letter to their mother giving her permission to read it, and if she wouldn’t mind, then sharing it with the boys. Leave her your mom’s number as a way to always reach you if the boys desire contact, and it is alright with her, their mom. Let her know that you have done this for the sole purpose of completing things for the boys so they should not be left hanging and confused. DO NOT in this letter say anything more about their dad – good or bad. This is about them and YOU. And you lovingly completing with them for their sake as well as your own.
4) Okay, you need to acknowledge yourself that “pain or not” you are doing all the right things. If you allow the sadness of this loss to catch you by surprise, then it will pull you down further than you need to go. EXPECT these days off and on. When they hit, acknowledge that it is here and ride the horse in the direction it is going…meaning, don’t fight it, acknowledge it, then cry, then pick yourself up and take a deep breath and start again. Eventually these days will decrease in number and severity.
5) Lastly, how you feel about you and going to this wedding as the newly single gal amongst couple central – buy a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, get your hair colored, or buy some spanx…it doesn’t matter. I have been in your shoes about our bodies and I didn’t allow myself to attend gatherings of old friends for several years since I couldn’t take how “I” thought they would not look at me being chubby after knowing me as a “hot body” back in my day as a dancer. Here’s what I learned…NO ONE CARED! When I finally came out of hiding about it this year (I was so grateful to be walking, who cared anymore how I had changed in 28 years), people were just genuinely happy to see me and have the opportunity to catch up with me. Plus, in your case, it sounds like there will be a lot of friends around who already may know about the changes in your life. LET THEM LOVE YOU and give you some gentleness and FUN at the party. Plus, no one says you have to be the last to leave…if you get my drift!
Well that covers my pearls for the night. Hope it helps give you food for thought and steps you can take that are positive and move you forward as you navigate completing this with love and dignity for yourself. You really are doing a great job! Big hugs from another friend...LFW (P.S. sorry for the length!)

sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/28/2007 4:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Casem,
 
I like what LFW had to say. It sounds healthy and a move in a positive direction. Keep going...you're getting excellent advise.
I wish you the best! smurf
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/28/2007 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone!
Thanks for the encouragement!

and LFW, you are right, i miss the potential of a life with him. When I met him, there was so much love and potential....and to see glimpses of him every now and then kept the hope alive.....

NOW...he is not the man i want to be with....but i have had hope for so long....it is hard to let go....I feel like i failed....
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/28/2007 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem, YOU FAILED NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He dropped the ball. Plus, if you trace it backwards, I am sure you will see near the beginning that you glossed over some signs and THAT is the only thing you need to look at of YOUR responsibility in this. It isn't that you didn't take good enough care of HIM, you didn't take good enough care of YOU – and it sucked you into 3 long years. Learn from this, find out what that was about for you, and then fix whatever that is in YOU to allow you never to seek out this kind of thing for yourself again. You can NOT change anyone, you can NOT fix them. They are who they are, decide if you like ‘that’ and if you can live happily with that also ensuring your needs are met too. Because people are who they are; which isn't to say people can't change...but THEY have to want to change themselves...YOU can not change them. Make sense? You need to look and acknowledge you have been nothing but supportive, loving, patient, strong, and honest with Michael...tell me in THAT where YOU failed? Don't play that game with yourself. It gets you nowhere and serves nothing. Write that letter to yourself I suggested in my last e-mail and read it as often as you need to keep you focused on forward. It will help keep you out of the fantasy of what could have been, the blame game which serves nothing, and grounds you in a positive and healthy reality for yourself – it should also ease some of the pain. This is NOT your failure my dear...not even a little. Do your work to heal, acknowledge the pain as needed, but don't give it more power over you. Keep focusing on you, what you REALLY want in a mate, what traits you want/need, what you need to clean up inside yourself to no longer want to be the rescuer, savior, etc. of these men . They will never appreciate it anyway, they will just get tired of being fixed (because they don't really see a problem anyway and will eventually resent you for it and leave), get to a place that you know you can count on you to protect yourself and see the signs early that they are one of "those" and you will MOVE ON and not use up 3 years unnecessarily. Do this and step by step you will heal. Now, go eat 3 oz. of your favorite 20 calorie frozen yogurt after your workout today. The smile will return a little bit more every day….LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/29/2007 1:01 PM (GMT -7)   

LFW, Serafena, Sukay, and Olivia...

Thank you for your thoughts and hugs and wonderful inspiration....I made it through the day...

And I made a list of all of the terrible things that I have endured in this relationship while he was undiagnosed, or diagnosed and unmedicated and/or drinking....and i got to #33 when I started to get the picture....

I need to get my heart where my mind is....my mind knows it was wrong for me, that is why I asked him to leave...my heart needs to catch up...but every day I get closer.

I got my hair cut and colored today and my eyebrows done (they were scary) - and I feel so much better. I am still having a lot of anxiety about this wedding tonight. I have not 100% decided to go...I am at 73%.....can u tell i am a procrastinator?

Thanks, again, for everything!

I hope you are all enjoying the weekend! Stay Strong and know how much I appreciate you!


 
Casem
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serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/29/2007 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I love a hair cut and color. It helps me every time. I hope you go to the wedding. Just go. You'll have a good time and it'll be so much better than just hanging out at home thinking about why you didn't go to the wedding.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

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