Thanks for keeping us posted. I too agree with Olivia and Serafena. You were very exact in the e-mail stating your position. He needs to be responsible for the next move. You're doing well and handling everything in a very positive way. I'm really impressed on how you have been handling everything.
I do not have BP, but like you, my partner has it. I do not have any solid answer to make you feel better; no magic words. I just wanted to reply to you to let you know that you are not going crazy. Believe me, I've gone a bit bonkers trying to understand the inconsistancy the illness brings as well as the mixed messages it sends.
I started seeing a therapist in order to help me through it. Along with educating myself as much as possible on the disorder, I am trying to come to terms with letting go of the desire to control the situation and letting go of logic. As I go along, I'm discovering that BP doesn't exactly having a logical pattern to it. Your ex (and now friend) is not thinking straight. Unfortunately, he is not ready to take responsibility for his illness just yet. It may take time or it may never happen.
The thought of having to say goodbye for your own well being must be incredibly painful and I am so sorry this is happening to you. But it is the best thing you can do...for him and yourself right now. You don't want to enable the disorder and that is what happens when you go along with acting like it's not there and not dealing with it.
My partner has had it since childhood. He takes his meds every day, and meets with his counselor every week and his pdoc on a regular basis as well. Currently he is having a depressive episode which has sucked all of his energy and passion away from him. Inside, he is numb. It's going on 4 months, but he keeps trying; charting his moods, seeing his doctors and doing what he needs to in order to get better and live a fairly normal life.
The disorder is difficult to manage and it is something that does not go away, but is maintained for a lifetime with treatment. It DOES not stop one from living a really great life. BUT, one must OWN the disorder in order to have the bast chance at a great life. When I say own, I mean accept that it is an illness and treat the illness to get better; maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Just like a person who is a diabetic, they need their insulin. Just like a person with a thyroid disorder, they need their thyroid supplement. Just like an epiletic, they need their seizure medication. While the symptoms may not be visual on the body, it is still a very serious illness that needs to be treated.
Please have faith and a strong belief that you are doing the right thing right now. By letting him know that you love him but also will not tolerate him not getting the proper help for his illness is the best way to communicate yourself to him. It is really great how you separated the illness from who he is. He needs to hear and see that. The illness is not who he is but certainly is a part of him and he must be responsible for it.
If you need to vent or have questions or just want to share, I am here for you anytime. You can email me or just add to the thread here. I am not a professional and I'm not a veteran to this illness either, but from experience can relate.
Take care of yourself,
Well...he called again today!...
And again I didn't answer...in his text and voice message, he is now saying he wants his family back together...me, him, and the boys...
I want to tell him that I love him very much but I am not confident in the quality of life we will have if he doesn't seek treatment. Then I will ask him, again, not to contact me unless he is getting help.
Is that fair?
Well done LFW! The way LFW explained her opinion could not have been put any better or clearer. I agree with her 110%!!
Casem, you seem like a very bright and strong individual. Sometimes we face a decision in our life and have difficulty seeing a clear answer to it especially when our heart clouds it up, BUT when we fit our children into the mix of it and try and picture what is best for them, almost always, the answer becomes all that much clearer to us and much quicker too. Please think of your children. He may be the father, but what they really need is a Dad. There is a big difference between the two.
Thank you , serafena.
He is very receptive to "owning" his BP. I think he is a bit overwhlemed, but he said that he has thought about it, and obviously knew before he called me that it was going to be a necessary thing in order to make a relationship work, and he wants it to work with me. I believe him, but I also know it is a lot of hard work, so now he needs to "put his money where his mouth is". he said his next step is to schedule his appt. with his pdoc and get back on his meds.
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/5/2007 12:48:13 PM (GMT-6)
Thanks for posting an update. You said, "I said I didn't really even want to talk about reconciliation until he has started to take his BP care under HIS control by regular pdoc/therapist appts. and taking meds."
GOOD FOR YOU!
Then later you said/asked,
And that is why I ask the questions...you guys are wonderfully awesome.
You are absolutely right....don't stop here...don't let the comfort sink in while things are calm. I need to give the tough love. I like the idea of checking in around one month from now to check in on progress. That will help me stay focused and help him stay focused, if he is sincere.
It is so easly to slide right back in to those patterns.....thanks for the tough love....i needed it, and that's why i asked for it.
I will have a conversation with him today establishing the ground rules for communication.
Thank you so much for caring!
Post Edited (drawingboard) : 10/6/2007 12:16:25 AM (GMT-6)