I saw my pdoc. My therapist had called him. I asked him (pdoc) if the thought I had bipolar? He said, "yes, I think you do have something like a bipolar II disorder." He does talk to me, always schedules me a 1/2 hour and listens well, and remembers well--even if he has to refresh his memory with notes, he always does and brings things up from the past." I really think he is super bright about all this.
He talked about some other meds, trying lithium, lamictal, and tegretol. I said I thought I was doing good and that I wanted to see what happens and wait. He wants to see me in a few weeks, so at the end of Oct I go again.
I'm hesitant to start something new. I do have anxiety about taking meds. He did said he wanted me to go back up to my entire 25 mg seroquel. (I cut back by cutting it up on my own, which he doesn't like).
I don't know. I told him about my mom and her manic behavior, irritability, and frantic way of living. I believe he thought that was important to know.
So, he said yes, he thinks I have......he wasn't really hesitant, but he wasn't like for sure pounding his fists or anything either.
Do I accept what he said and start my recovery?
Do I reject it and cut the pills up again and just do my best?
I feel like running away a little. Running from all this. I think I don't need any of these people. I can make myself better if I just put my mind to it.
The problem is, I can't seem to do it. I have lived a life of "craziness." Depression that is so black there is only dispair and no hope. Recklessess in the past. Wanting to end it all. And then occasoinally I get happy, too happy, like I cann't corral it. It is like swirling out of me, and I have to do everything "right now." Whatever idea I get.
I can sum it up as a fast paced roller coaster ride into a brick wall I guess. A horrible mood disorder. Depression, anxiety (past intense panic attacks, now under control), binge eating, using substances to curb my fear, anxiety, and depression. Just always had wondered what was wrong with me. I have BPD also.
But maybe this knowledge and acceptance of BPII will help me focus on new strategies. I found a work book on some practical advice on how to live with this disorder and prevent the super ups and downs.
I want to live a more even life, but I like the highs so much. I'm afraid to be dulled. And its been a few weeks now feeling "good." For about a week I wasn't sleeping much, not needing it, feeling I could do anything. Now I increaed my seroquel back a little more and I'm still motivated, my feet are going kind of fast all the time---can this last longer than a few weeks? I think the seroquel is keeping things in check, but I'm not in a black depression yet.