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olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/4/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone. I moved this posting from another thread for seenee: Please respond to it here.
Thanks, Olivia
----------------------------------
 
Folks, I am in a time right now of really needing some help. I just started a Master's Degree program, taking ONE class this semester along with, as I mentioned, working fool time (sp intentional there) and even one class takes ALL of my time due to the amount of reading and the fact that I am not a particularly fast reader to begin with.

Our communication is next to completely nill. She (my wife) has let me accompany her one time to her PDoc, and here is my take on what I learned there:

I will try to refrain from making any blanket general statements, but please forgive me if I do, and for any poor grammar.
this doc sure seemed to me to almost completely ignore her patient and simply consult her laptop for a spreadsheet matrix for what illness effects require what drug. hardly any communication at all between the one needing help and the "helper." for about 5 years my wife was on Trileptal and perhaps Seroquel, not sure of any other than Trileptal. she felt fantastic for years! then she put on a huge conference last fall, with very little help to do so, and became more drained in every humanly way possible than any living being should ever be at any time in their life. I mean DRAINED. mentally exhausted, and on a long-term decline in every facet of her life from that point on. so it's been a trial and error routine with two docs now, one who didn't care about her and why she was in his office, and this current lady doc.

my wife and this current doc have very good rapport when communication DOES happen, but honestly, from my perspective now from the one meeting I was at, she wouldn't listen to my wife trying to tell her what she needed. I gather from this forum and other reading I've done that Pdocs don't normally "trust" their patients to know what they themselves need, but I will venture to say my wife really is an exception to this. She is more in control of her meds than I could imagine anyone having a psych ailment being. But this doc sticks severely by the book, and here is where I suppose a question may arise from me to all of you fellow BP folks. (to clarify here I don't have any illness at all, so this all pertains to my very wonderful and very loving wife) my take the other week +/- a day or three was that when she started Lamictal at 25, then to progress to 50, then to 100 with that pack that many of you are familiar with I've read, if you feel great at 25, and feel REALLY ROTTEN AT 50mg, WHY ON EARTH KEEP GOING??? WHY NOT GO BACK TO 25 and when/if that stops working effectively someday, THEN progress beyond to a higher dose and repeat the effective schedule change idea I just mentioned.

But I guess, as she said herself, you don't know if 100mg will be the same effect as the 25, but umm, if it is, wouldn't ya want LESS drug in your system? I have always lived so clean in my entire life that I personally cannot identify with a many years kind of maintenance drug plan. But I will liken it to, let's say, training a horse for instance, you only cue the animal to the extent where you receive the requested response, then stop cuing. over cuing leads to meaningless messages being sent from trainer to trainee.

same idea with the drugs. I'd say as a non-medically trained layman that someone should only take as much as satisfies the desired result and nothing more. to reiterate for clarification, if 25mg works great, why go any higher? on another note, I read somewhere on this site in a BP thread that ZERO communication and (or from) absolute anger is very commonplace in the morning. how common is this?

please, I beg you, please educate me on, if nothing else, this last simple concept. also, her current doc does NOT take into consideration that my wife is only 5 ft tall with regards to drug amounts. this doc just prescribes a blanket amount becuase that is what her laptop spreadsheet states is what "x" complaint distinguishes is needed.

Good Lord. I'm sorry. I know there are a LOT of issues I just touched on here, and given the time to do so, could write a heap more. but one of the problems is my having to spend all of my time reading and not sitting on the couch with her watch'n a movie, goin' out for a nice 'n rigorous walk or whatever.

Thanks for readin' my words, and as always I do look forward to your responses. perhaps I may have to copy and paste this into a different forum thread, or start one of my own. went off a bit of a ways from the Oprah point of this thread. Moderator, please let me know how to better do this to make it more relevant to BP readers/posters.

Chuck [very sadly living in near silence on the homefront]

Post Edited (olivia of course) : 10/4/2007 5:22:31 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/4/2007 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Seenee,

I have to admit that I'm having a little trouble excavating your questions from your post. I get that your wife and you scarcely talk and that she's angry? I think you're asking if that's normal for bipolar? I also think you're asking about medication and how it works, and what doctors take into account when prescribing the medications. Why they choose the dosages they do?

Anger and withdrawal are very common with bipolar and depression, and she clearly is having a hard time. I'm sure she's just as frustrated as you are. Are either of you seeing a therapist or counselor? She could probably use a neutral ear to help her sort through her feelings.

As far as what happened in the doctor's office, I have no answer for you there. I think that's a doctor's stylistic thing.

I can only say that most bipolars are going to be medicated for life. The medications will probably shift and change as the condition changes, but the condition primarily needs to be controlled with medication. It gets very nasty without it, I assure you.

My only advice is to push your wife to talk with you. MAKE some time for her. I know you're busy, but certainly the two of you can carve an hour out once a week and hold it sacred. Spend it walking, or talking. Don't watch tv. Actually connect with one another. It's so hard to do these things. I really understand. Please feel free to ask all the questions you like.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/4/2007 9:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Seenee, I am a spouse to a BP. I know when writing the post, especially at the beginning we can get excited to have found a place to communicate and possibly really get answers back, so everything kind of spills out at first, but I too, had a hard time following your post. So combining what I got from yours and going with some of Serafena's interpretation...here are some quick thoughts for you...

If your wife did well on a specific medications for a long time until this project depleted her down physically for an elongated period of time until she is so far past her reserve tank she is now at an empty level - and the meds suddenly were not effective as all her body chemicals depleted too under those conditions, why did they start all over verses ensuring that she get intensive rest, a leave of absence from work, and add to what was already working for her? Then, as she got stronger again, weaned her off the new meds until she was balanced with her normal original meds with some possible new modifications? How long have you been married? A spouse is incredibly important to the process of wellness as they are and additional set of eyes and ears for things going outside of "normal" range in either direction. I have seen on this site that some spouses are so attuned to their loved one, that they know immediately the patterns and start of each swing the condition takes and is able to openly talk to their spouse about it and help catch things incredibly early...Are you and your wife this open and attuned? I ask not in judgment, but if you are not, this could also be one of the issues you are facing in the isolation that is occurring, because you can't "read" her. I know working full time, school and everything is completely time consuming, but now might be the time for you to call her doctor and speak to her about you being more active on your wife’s wellness team as she is currently struggling so. A marriage therapist versed in BP would also be helpful to get you talking again, and more focused on each other. Perhaps a nice foot message or draw her a bubble bath in candlelight with aromatherapy with soft relaxing music while you wash her hair..etc. would allow you some quality time...not necessarily a large quantity of time. And that could help get you unstuck in the communication department? Lastly, I know that when people deplete to the level you are speaking about for elongated periods of time, physical side effects can come to the surface such as chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, etc. Has she been checked? Because this could be playing a part of what you are also seeing. When my fibro flares, I have zero energy, am not up for talking to anyone, I just feel like I am intensely sick with the flu – all achy and blah….and it sort of sounded that way to me from your post. I only suggest this because it could be clouding what you are dealing with and it can happen with the kinds of physical overtaxing for long periods (or a physical trauma to the system) like you are talking about.

The more knowledge you have about BP, the better it will be for your wife, you and your marriage. It sounds like she really needs you right now, and frankly, isn’t going to be able to support you back with all you are dealing with, until she is better. Good luck to you. LFW

seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/7/2007 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
please forgive my verbose writing style. and in the most confusing order of thoughts too, if there was any order to start with.

Anyway, currently my predicament is worsening. One of the problems I see from my limited perspective is time. we barely have any personal time together, and here is why: because she is simply NOT open to just set down and discuss things out. I would love to just see my wife mentally come back from where ever she went and still is at.

my very dear friend, who lives with a more-often-than-not lady with dystonia has a little saying he says to her when she is having a hard time for a long time: "bring back Beth, what did you do with Beth?" well, that is where I am right now too. I really want my honey back.

This weekend she has slept most of the time. this past Thursday was a very good evening for me when I sat next to her on the couch and asked her what's been pushin her down so badly for so long now (at least a week or so since going up from 25mg of lamictal), and she thankfully really poured out the whole deal for me. Man, that was great for me. doggone, my poor honey. I feel so bad for her having to deal with this crap on more of a constant basis than I really can imagine. I'm sure not criticizing her in even the slightest manner on any account at all ever here, so please don't misinterpret my intent. I want to help her. and I'm gathering the best way to help her is to stay away from her. I'm bedd'n down on the couch nowadays. I know this is all temporary - the effects of drug changes, but Good Lord this is some mighty challenging transitional times I reckon, for the both of us like lfw said.

this past Thursday her doc reluctantly told her to quit lamictal, (even though this is this docs main med that she subscribes to) and try this new seroquel xr exclusively.

confused *****? Okay, question from me here on drug changes: is there any general guideline on how long it takes for drug "x" to completely leave someone's system? for example, she's been taking lamictal for several weeks now, was up to the prescribed 100mg dosage from the infamous packet, and suddenly quits it under direction of her pd. now, from my years in the livestock industry, ya just don't change ANYTHING THAT QUICK. always, always, always taper off or on something. that's the rule for feed anyhow, and I would think that with maintenance drugs, it'd be the same deal.

So that was Thursday's instruction. It's now Sunday night and my hurtin' honey is sacked out all day, with a very short break to eat a tiny snack, read a little, then back to bed. moving on here, and this is what prompted my asking of the drug change time frame: her doc says to try this regimen of just seroquel xr (she said this is supposed to simply keep her mellow all day instead of crashing hard at night and being furious in the morning when it's worn off). IF that doesn't work by tomorrow (tomorrow? again, isn't that kinda early in the change time? that's only three to four days) she goes back to what DID work for years - Seroquel (XR or normal - don't know yet) and Trileptal, with Diazepam, I think also for night-time use. This is, like I mentioned, what worked for I believe about five years straight, with little or no dosage changes. but you all could tell me if that is at all possible - no changes for that length of time. I'd think the human body would get so use to having "x" drug in it that it would perhaps become ineffective, no?

lfw, a few little tidbits of input, and for all, not just you of course, but you mentioned some things that I'd like to touch on here quick:

- as far as her and me going to any kind of counselor or therapist, well, I'd sure be open to the idea. anything. whatever brings my honey back to the way she likes to be. but I honestly don't believe, keeping in mind she is in the bad times right now mind you, that she would talk to anyone. All I can do is try, but going way back to our lack of communication and time problem, FORGET talking in the morning, and at night she's read'n a book and not to be bothered. so there really is never an opportune time to talk. about anything really.

- about being new to the forum, yeah, I know, newbies almost always just shpeal out a huge brain dump in one oversized posting. case in point is my first posting in a different thread when I first found this forum: http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=246951

- thirdly, I sure wish I had an answer to your question of why did the original regimen change instead of just rest and relaxation, then get back to what worked. that is what POTENTIALLY IS FINALLY HAPPENING. only time will tell here soon.

anyway, I don't mean to treat you all as a friend I'd just call up and rant and rave (nicely mind you) about my honey's deal, but I guess that is what I keep doing.

Thanks for your time and any input.

I don't know if this is allowed on forums in general, but I'd like to put a few links here that I just read elsewhere:

reinforcing the idea that I hinted on about her doc "subscribing" to a particular med: http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=104&STORY=/www/story/10-02-2007/0004674025&EDATE=

on that note, my wife once told me that is the way it is - that each doc has their preferred 1st line med they prescribe and hope that it works for that patient. my wife got lucky one time so far finding that functional combination I described above, and this past thursday she laid it on the line to her doc that she and her lady doc, since this past January, have tried ever conceivable combination that was in this docs knowhow, and have NOT FOUND A SINGLE SUCCESSFUL COMBO YET. hence, the urge to return to the known good.

a few more links:

http://www.bipolarnews.org/ (where the above link was found through)

http://www.harbor-of-refuge.org/

I know given the nature of the Internet, that the resources really are limitless, but there's a couple that might help someone - ya never know.

- C

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the great reply Seenee. That does help clear things up a bit. LFW is right. I think the first time we're trying to explain our situation we try to get it all out. But that's what the forum is for: getting it all out. Talk about it here when you have no one else to talk to. We'll plug on through your verbose style, and trust me, LFW has SO got you beat. :-)

It must be so frustrating to just sit by and watch your spouse shut down. I think I'd suggest a second opinion at this point. If you can try and arrange that, it might really help both of you. Also, it can be really helpful for a doctor to have the "healthy" spouse keep a record of how her behaviors change, when medications changed, including dates, etc. That way they could have a more concrete history than she might be able to provide.

One thing that might be useful for you to know is that, for me at least, my language ability is one of the first things to go when I start having episodes. When I'm manic, I have too many thoughts and can't get the words out fast enough so I start saying things which don't make sense to anyone else. (For example, the other day I was trying to tell a girl at work that she'd get her way with the managers because she has big, brown eyes. But what came out was, "All they have to do is look at your eyeballs.") And when I'm depressed, the act of talking and trying to explain my emotions is just too much work to even try, so sometimes I just don't. I don't think I'm alone in this. Also, some of the medications worsen this effect. One woman told me she was driving past a farm and told her kids to look at the "Hales of Bay," and that kind of mix-up happened daily.

about stopping/starting drugs quickly, your wife was on a relatively low dose of Lamictal, which is probably why the doc didn't feel the need to titrate her down. For perspective, I take 400 mgs daily.

As to your third question, it is also very common for drug regimens to stop working and need to be adjusted. It's probably more than just her exhaustion. BP deals with so many brain chemicals and hormones, who knows what kind of things get fired off? Maybe some other member can tell you more about how that works, but it's not unusual.

Feel free to rant and rave about your honey's deal and your deal. That's what we're all about here.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Serafena!  I'll take that hint lovingly :-)   

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, it really was meant lovingly. Honest.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   

I believe it was, that is why I am taking it that way...I was just teasing a little with you  tongue   Believe me, I know letting me out of the restrained cage I feel like I live in sometimes, and really being allowed to say fully what I mean, and being able to speak as clearly as I try so my thoughts are not misinterpreted, is such a relief, I DO go on to much at times.  But it does feel like being let out of a cage!  My husband can only handle SOUND BITES 99% of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!  Imagine for a gal like me how hard it is to talk in practical CODE speak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OY! tongue Thank GOD for you all.  Thanks for always putting up with me     LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/8/2007 2:37:51 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband can only handle sound bites too and there's nothing wrong with him except an incomplete chromosome. tongue

Sorry seenee -- I hijacked your post with girly silliness. Back to the regularly scheduled (and fully man-friendly) discussion...
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

Post Edited (serafena) : 10/8/2007 1:08:16 PM (GMT-6)


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/8/2007 10:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Quite alright Serefena! you ladies crack me up! he he he he. :)

In my guy-ignorance (that I've been told is okay to have, being a guy), I must ask, what do you mean by "sound bites" for your husbands?

I know what a sound byte is by definition, e.g., a little sound clip to accentuate a commercial on audible media, but just curious of the application in the context of which you speak. ugh. that's even tiring language to write! ha ha ha. God Bless it, and I am wanting to get an MA in English. ha!

I know I probably shouldn't be writing all this this late at night, but it is the only time I have to be on here, so here's some more stuff of current.

I have a notion that one thing that would REALLY help my wife is for her to find some personal grasp or security if you will to share her disorder with others. that is, to let a select handful of important/relevant/helpful friends know about it. I have been told I am very good with people, as she describes me: "you could carry a conversation on with a brick wall." or something like that.

But she is very much an introvert in her personality, unless she's feeling great, (not extremely high up there somewhere, which she simply does not experience, and hasn't for many years, but is nonetheless very closed manner of a person. anyway, my notion is that if she was to open up about her illness to a few folks she really trusted, it would help her through any tough times, or (again in my ignorance here) perhaps keep the swings from happening at all.

oh, here is another topic/question for you all: are the "mood" swings inevitable? by "mood" I mean, and again, I am still learning as much as fast as possible about BP, the cheerfullness or the depressive state of mind. Let's take right now for instance, now granted it is 11pm, and when she takes her Seroquel at usually about 8:30 she is toast in roughly 30minutes, but I don't mean this minute right now, but this week. I still need to ask her tomorrow about the current med change. She asked me earlier on the phone (yeah! she called me and talked! :-) ) about my getting her on my insurance as her bc/bs insurance doesn't cover hardly anything, as she said the trileptal would be $300/month and Seroquel would be $267/month. This is obviously VERY unrealistic on our budget to be able to afford and still have a roof over head and food on the table.

Thank God, as far as I know, my insurance will kick in immediately for her, where she can get each of these meds for $40/THREE MONTHS WORTH OF DOSAGE! not bad, eh? so I guess I really am stuck in my job until I knock out a master's degree in something by golly.

I need to intervene on the topic here for just a moment and say that I love my wonderful wife more than I may ever have the words to describe. I mean I really love her. our saying from back in our wedding prep days, and for that matter, since we ever really started spending ever day together, (no exaggeration there either) one of our sayings has been: "no matter what."
well, let me tell ya that I live by that every moment I ever spend thinking about my very loving wife. when she smiles she so completely lights up my world, that, wow. Bill Engvall talks about something called "Love Magic" and if you have it you know it. well, I have that for/with her, as does she when her mind is in a balanced state. when her meds are working she is so incredibly a joy to be near. and when she is off balance upyonder, well, I just wait patiently until she comes back from whereever BP'ers go for a while.

I will reiterate here also a point I think I touched on some time ago in a different post as to just how much in tune and in control she is of herself. from my outside perspective, it truly is an amazing ability to be able to handle what she does as well as she does.

I am so thankful for all of you, if we were face to face I'd give ya all a nice big 'n tight hug, one at a time mind you! ha ha ha lol (okay, not out loud, but in my mind out loud, she's sleepin in the next room.

oh yeah, and she let me know very nicely today when we were on the phone that we were "going to be apart for a while." meaning I'm on the couch until the storm passes, sad Mrs. Hyde moves along on here not-so-merry way, and my honey can once again appreciate the beauty God gave us all to enjoy of the great fall colors in the yard, with the mountains right outside the back door. boy, if ever there was a place on earth to need to be in to recover from bad juju like BP downs, this is it. well, one place anyway. I could think of a thousand great places I've been in my life, mostly horseback in the Rockies, but I digress. and need to undress 'n shower here too, as I gotta git ta bed (er, um, couch) pronto.

so ladies, please always feel free to continue on with zee banter of "girly silliness." heh heh heh. If I may brag for just moment, I have always been known for my good nature and constant loving laugh, smiles, and all around good feelings I share with anyone and everyone around me. not all touchy-feely kind of "group hug" stuff, but really just genuine me. most of the time I like me. only time I don't is when I may have ever had a cross thought about my honey when she is really unfriendly (when Mrs. Hyde's present).

night. :)
-C

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/9/2007 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Seenee:

It is very clear you are a good natured, affectionate man who really loves his wife. That comes through loud and clear. And your dedication reminds me very much of how my husband talks when my moods are taking over: I'm not going anywhere -- bring it on. I'm sure it's no fun, but it's good to know he loves me enough to hold on through the storms. And it makes me feel safe, and all the more dedicated to him and our marriage in the end. I wish everyone could have that. Your wife is lucky. She'll know too when she's feeling better.

Sound bite: Keep it short and sweet or they tune out. :-)

Your question about mood swings: The idea of "cheerfulness" isn't really what most of us get, and most of us don't swing every day. (If you did you'd be diagnosed as "ultra-rapid cycling." Most bipolars have swings between manic (or hypomanic) and depressed over a period of weeks or months. Manic isn't the same as cheerful, unfortunately. I wish it were. Some people feel "high" or "exuberant" but there are just so many different ways to be manic. Some people start doing really risky things -- spending lots of money, sleeping around. Others start getting really angry and mean. Others (like me) get really confused, have racing thoughts and find it hard to speak. Some poor people have all of the above. Some people even start hearing voices and get paranoid. But if she's on the right medicine it's not going to push her from depressed to manic. It's going to push her from depressed to stable. Somewhere near "normal." Hopefully. And it may take a little while to figure out what that is.

I hope that is the answer to the question you were asking. Let me know if it isn't.

And just to be absolutely clear. Men ROCK.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/10/2007 9:44 PM (GMT -7)   
hi again my fellow confiding helpers who I feel I need to run to once again. I messed up big time tonight. crap. crap crap!

I just read a little post somewhere that was way too familiar, (short of the divorce subject), what my home life is regularly like: Re:bipolar wife wants a divorce jojo319: How do you deal with her comings and goings? It's been 2 days and she already shuts the bedroom door when she's changing. Re:bipolar wife wants a divorce seth: Isn't that the worst when they leave but don't actually leave and then you catch them half-dressed and they act like you're a stranger that just broke into the house?

After all of the intimacy that comes w/ years together, the false modesty is a bit insulting...."


What I messed up on tonight was, wow, and this is real bad, man this is bad. she was telling me not to have money deducted from my paycheck to pay for her meds, or anything else with her illness. two days ago she asked me to deposit some cash into her account, so I did. and being the generous soul that I am, I put in a grand, figuring that would help her with whatever immediate expenses she has. then tonight, and CRAP did I screw up with my mouth, I said "well, when you run out of money and ask me for some, aren't I paying for your meds anyway?" WOW. HOLY CRAP WAS THAT THE WRONG BLOODY THING TO SAY. and even though she allowed me back into the bedroom two nights ago, after being kicked out to the couch for one night, there ain't NO way I'm going in there tonight. forget that.

help. please. I beg you all, the Lord, Holy Mary, her past relatives that were of the similar condition but are long gone now up in Heaven, and anyone else that can possibly help me through these hard times when things get bad. I gather that this is probably small potatas compared to problems I've read about within BP marriages, but this is real bad for us. especially me. gracious. this is going to take a LONG time to get out of, as I know time (doesn't necessarily "heal" but as the saying goes...) heals all wounds. maybe with a bad memory or something, I don't know. but it is a very well known FACT that women NEVER forget anything. ever. no really. ever. try to prove me wrong.

so on a med update, here is the deal so far as I've learned: she is back on her old regimen of Trileptal and Seroquel (XR this time, not the usual one), but is working up to an enormous amount (in my opinion, especially for not being an enormous person physically). tapering up to 1200mg/day of Trilepta (in four 300mg forml, and I know at least one 300mg/day of Seroquel XR. input?, opinions?, thoughts?, comments? she was happy to let me know last night that she no longer craves what that darn lamictal (her docs favorite drug) DIRECTLY CAUSED HER TO CRAVE - alcohol and cigarettes. she smoked a lot of her life right up until the very day she set eyes on me, then quit COLD TURKEY. NO JOKE, and no small feat either. Amen to her abilities to devote her love the way she always has been able to. but it is getting more challenging every single day. not really progressively worse per se, but not better either. I don't mean to keep sounding like I have an incessant doubt on a doctor's ability for accuracy per patient, as this is the ONLY doc available around here for many many many miles, so I apologize if I repeatedly give that impression.

last night when I was in here in the office doing homework she came in and let me kiss her neck and cheek for a goodnight smooch. haven't been given the opportunity to kiss her lips for a very long time. or for that matter, ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT WHATSOEVER. NONE. and I mean NONE. but maybe someday. At least she showed recognition towards me at all. instead of the usual just closing the bedroom door with no words, except mayyybe the usual "bye." crap this is hard man. I know it is. and I knew it was going to be. perhaps I shouldn't write here when she is in a bad way - causing me to seek out help from you all instead of sitting here doing my homework. but I can't concentrate and learn from a book when my heart is going slowly through this.

I am very sorry to see recently that I have shown a minimal loss of patience for her down times. no outblasts or any of that stuff, just immediate passive-negative unproductive responses to our trying to fill out the crappy, confusing insurance form for my work to put her on that so she can afford the meds for a tiny fraction of retail cost. but I got/get frustrated sometimes, and can't completely contain it all the time.

but back to my immediate HUGE dilemma - how on earth shall I get myself out of such a hole I've dug myself into with such brash a comment as I said to her earlier tonight? oh Lord. this hurts. a lot.

so that is where we are at right now. in a bad spot here in the newlywed household. Oh, by the way in case I've never mentioned it, we got hitched this past June 19th. I am sure she is REALLY regretting ever accepting my asking her to marry, as she has never felt worthy of anyone her whole life. and she's lived a tough one I reckon. no foolin there man. I mean fighting most of her life with an undiagnosed and untreated problem. an amazing woman I have in my life, and I know it. I don't know what would happen if she ever knew it too. but I'd lay my money on some pretty darn incredible development.

"do unto others.... " "do unto others.... " do unto others.... " must keep that in mind. for my own sanity and retention of heart filled love.

that's all time will allow for this evening. night! :)
- C

p.s. I sure do wish I could write my papers for this class as easily and as fast as I dump all of my feelings and thoughts out to you all. heh.

Post Edited (seenee) : 10/11/2007 10:16:53 AM (GMT-6)


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/11/2007 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
a little addendum here to my post from last night.

as you all know, I am in the process of trying to educate myself as fast as humanly possible on every aspect of this illness, especially now that we're married, and apologize for passing any judgment in complete ignorance. one of those guy things I reckon. talk before thinking, or in this case, write before researching.

here is a blip from the following site that puts amounts into perspective for me about dosage amounts. but please feel very free to educate me on this also from your own knowledge.

from: http://epilepsy.emedtv.com/trileptal/trileptal-dosage.html

"Trileptal Dosage for Adults
The recommended starting Trileptal dose for adults and adolescents ages 16 and older is Trileptal 600 mg total per day (split up into two smaller doses per day). Your healthcare provider may slowly increase your Trileptal dose as necessary. Most people need at least Trileptal 1200 mg total per day."

she wants us to sleep in separate rooms again. this has all happened before, and doubtless will happen again, but when it does, doggone it's tough on me, feeling at such a loss and in a position of being completely incapable of doing anything about it. besides waiting until the storm passes. but when she wants to go to do very enjoyable and fun things we've done together in the past herself, that hurts. a LOT. right now I am afraid to even ask her about the logistics with regards to times of departure and such for us going back east to her folks for Christmas this year. In her current frame of mind, I am sure she'd just say I am not welcome there either. I really love her family and have been accepted by all of them. my wife is not spiteful. she is not naturally an unfriendly woman. but she's been so hard on herself for so many years that any negativity is not met with resistance, rather accepted as the norm.

anyway, time to get to back to work here.
p.s., but I sure don't mean to ever sound at all selfish by stating that this is "especially" hard on me personally. I know darn well it is mighty tough for her too. she is still working her way up to 1200mg, and as you could figure, it is very much my hope that if/when this combination balances her out that life can return to a loving one like we use to have all the time. she is the most incredibly loving woman I could ever ask for when things are good. man o man, I just love reminiscing about her smiles, as I've mentioned in previous posts here. I love being in love with her. she's the greatest! and I just need to remind myself that those times need to be what carries me through these bad times.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/11/2007 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Seenee:

I can't imagine anyone would find you "selfish" for wanting to have your relationship back to "normal." Who would choose to be shut out of their spouse's life/intimacy? No one. It must be very very hard.

I know you're extremely busy, but I really would like to suggest you get some counseling for yourself, because what you're suffering from is the major illness of a spouse combined with a loss of support and affection. That is terrible. Everyone needs support and affection. While it may not be your wife's "fault," it still is very hard on you. You could use some back up (aside from us, naturally) and perhaps some guidance from a professional.

All the best.
I do not remember everything. just most things.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/18/2007 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Seenee,

Just checking in. How's everything going?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/18/2007 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
sorry folks for my extended absence. been a trying time lately. but I'm makin' it okay. I'll type a bunch more real soon, as I had a few great insightful revelations (or interpretations of actions if you will I suppose) that I'll cover as soon as I am done with my current paper. gotta get this written first, priorities you know! :)

I sure do appreciate your checking on me though. makes me feel that much more at home here. I found a great page that really resembled a lot that I have experienced during my lunch hour, when I should be studying also, but when something is this strong and overwhelming in your life, ya just gotta seek info, or at least I do.

here is the page I found: http://diaryofabipolar.wordpress.com/2007/10/09/i-fing-hate-being-bipolar/
just click on the "weight" link on the left if it doesn't default to that page. her story applies in many ways, except that my wife is not anywhere near this extreme with anything, and is unable to ever get pregnant due to a hysterectomy.

anyway, I have learned a lot over the past couple of weeks about this disease, and about myself with her and this disease. more on that soon. but anyway, back to writing this paper, which is why I just got out of bed to begin with. this weekend will be pretty tough on me I expect, but maybe not if I can keep focused on my studies and remind myself of my acceptance and level of understanding of all this now. she's going to wyoming for the weekend to see a good friend of ours perform with his band, and to turn the knife a little more, also visiting all the places we were going to do together soon. yeah. together. that was the idea. oh well. what can I do? nothing. not a doggone thing. but wait and hope. forever. sad

Chuck
p.s. communication is still nonexistent, but she talked to me yesterday more than she has in the last few weeks, which isn't to say much, but tonight I got a "babe" once instead of just no title at all at the end of a sentence. Good Lord, I am really sorry to go on and on about such little details, but as a husband who loves his wife more than she is willing to accept (at least currently - subject to change without notice of course) I'll take even the slightest hint of progress in a positive direction as a glimmer of hope. even a smidgen, a small ray of light that shines on a lonely household such as ours offers a seemingly open and inviting window to the Lord's grace. God bless us all.

Post Edited (seenee) : 10/18/2007 11:02:47 PM (GMT-6)


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/19/2007 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
ahh, another little glimmer of hope came my way the other day when I got an email from my lovely wife who included the simple yet meaningful phrase "love you" in it. that was huge for me lately. graspin' for straws here.

seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/19/2007 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
like a yo-yo goes up and down, so do the reactions of my honey. wow. I'm at work and she just left home for Wyoming for the weekend.

this past Wednesday night was the beginning of her set prescription of drugs: 1200mg Tripleptal, 300mg Seroquel XR (I think, or twice a day, I don't know, I need to ask her) and birth control pills to "control" her periods.

Hopefully I will have enough determination to get this blasted paper written and be done with that thing today. then I can enjoy this weekend with a great friend of mine/ours as he and I are building a really nice bookcase for our place.

see ya.
Chuck

Post Edited (seenee) : 10/21/2007 12:20:06 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/19/2007 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Chuck,

I'm so very, very sorry. This must be really horrible for you. I wish there were more to say, more wisdom to impart, something that would make it feel better, but I have nothing. I only hope it gets better soon as well. Maybe when she gets to those amazing places that she intended to see with you she will be reminded of the spiritual bond she had with you and come back to you. If not, and she wants to sever the vows, you may not have a choice, but you don't have to like it. The new meds will take a few weeks to kick in. I hope she starts feeling better soon.

Talk to you soon.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/19/2007 3:05 PM (GMT -7)   
well, I just got a quick appt. with a counselor to help me try to find my place in all this. Because she and I know each other (I've ridden horses with her husband over the years and fixed their home computer, and such... she asked me from a counselor/patient if I was okay seeing a counselor who was also a good friend, and I naturally said YES. I am thinking it would help me because of the relaxed familiarity of a friend I would be confiding in and not someone I've never met. I don't know. that's in 45 minutes. and perhaps another one on Monday. I am glad she is getting me in before this weekend. this is going to be a tough weekend if I can't focus on me for a while. perhaps I am missing a silver lining here with this whole saga. but I don't know.

anyway, thank you for your consoling words. any positive input helps right now. I am going to have to force myself to write a crappy paper, which also bothers me a lot. I don't like turning in shoddy work as a student of any level of academia.

talk to you all soon. a very tired soul I am right now. and becoming exhausted through all the feelings that I was much stronger than this. but as the old saying says: "this too shall pass."

- C

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/19/2007 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Seenee, Give yourself a break, you are in a difficult place with your wife, she is not the woman you have been married to for a long while, when the illness is the front runner, she is missing in action and this other person is possessing her body. Yes, you are correct, this too shall pass. But the best way for you to stay sane in it is to focus only on what you CAN control, and let go of what you can't. Basically that means you can control ANYTHING inside yourself and about you (your reactions, feelings, responses, your goals..etc), but CAN NOT control anything outside of you (your wife, her illness, her wants and goals...etc.). Give her the space to come around, and just keep reminding her that you love her, and are here for her when she is ready to want or accept your support and help. Remember to take as good care of yourself right now as you have been trying to take care of her. And REGARDLESS of how this turns out....just keep reminding yourself that YOU will be alright and will survive whatever comes. Good or bad. You are a strong and loving man who would like to share all that with her if she will let you. If not, you can re-evaluate where things stand for YOU down the road. What you want counts too...don't forget that...regardless of her illness. Sending good thoughts to you....LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/19/2007 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Seenee,

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I know how that rock in the bottom of your stomach feels.  You must believe in yourself and in the woman you love. Unfortunately, this beastly disorder is taking over her words and actions right now. Take the advice of LFW when she says to focus on what you CAN control.....your thoughts...your words...your actions. Time is on your side. Give the medicine time to work and while the meds are working, you can focus on your school work. Before you know it , you will have finished your paper and will have an update regarding your wife's trip and her thoughts.

It may not seem like it now, but she needs you to be strong and loving for the both of you right now. Don't let the disorder define your relationship for you. Learn all that you can about the disorder and its sympoms, its effects, and the types of problems you can expect. Don't let it manage you....you must learn to manage it. I know...easier said than done, but, you are in the best place to start managing your life together with bp.

I am so touched by each of your posts and your loving words for your wife. Your love for her, and your determination to support her in her illness, and an understanding about the disorder may be just enough to get you through some very rough times!

Stay Strong!


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/21/2007 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
wow. Hi again everyone! :-)
Life is good gettin' better. I do love my wife and my life with her so much it makes me smile all over.

I really need to pass along a very sincere note of appreciation for your input Serafena, LFW, and Casem. You really hit the nail on the head LFW when you relayed almost exactly what my counselor friend said to me Friday afternoon. That was just what she was saying about "Chuck, you can't control this, only your reaction TO it." in the same regard that you wrote about, just the way you wrote it.

She has come a long way since Friday, as have I. no doubt we still have a ways to go yet, so I'm not going to just feel all comfy all of a sudden and slack on loving support or anything. I really do enjoy being supportive of someone in need. It has always been my way of life of wanting to help those who cannot help themselves. As I strive to be a little more acceptable in the eyes of Christ than I was the the day before. always growing in a positive direction.

I don't know If I can easily relay just how happy I am right now, especially about my education on everything BP related, my Wonderful wife, and my understanding that has grown exponentially beyond my imagination of even a week ago.

Things are lookin' to be returning back to our loving ways. I always have liked to say to her: "honey, I know who I married, and I will wait for you to get through this, and will always be there for you when you come out of any lull times. I promise."

She's just cool man.
Thank you all once again, for always finding ways to help me through this sort of time and experience. more soon. :-)
- C

Post Edited (seenee) : 10/21/2007 1:22:06 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/21/2007 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
What good news. I hope this positive swing sticks and she realizes what a prize she has. I hope she truly deserves your devotion, but from your posts, I'm willing to believe that she does. I'm glad to hear things are looking up. When you've got a minute, I'd love to hear details. I'm nosy that way.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


seenee
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/23/2007 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Too bad the good news was verrrry temporary. one day/night actually. she and I both felt, and perhaps it was, a cleansing trip for her to be away for the weekend. but doggone man. back to bein' pretty mean now it looks like. I fear it is getting harder and harder for me to not "fight fire with fire" and be mean and rude to her right back.

what a stinkin shame all this crap is too. I know very well how incredibly wonderful she really is, but when this disorder engulfs her life gracious things get rough. I was going to tell her very soon that I went to a counselor last friday afternoon, but I have learned a lot about timing with what you say and when you say it. it matters a great deal as to how it is received. I'm growin' weary here with the ongoing negative attitude. tirin' me it is.

anyway, back to the counselor line there, I left the privacy notice form that I got from the counselor on the kitchen table, which she found last night when I was on my way to class. of course, she took this as a direct assault on her person and perceived everything being her fault. I tried to tell her right then that "I was not where I needed to be in my level of understanding and needed to talk to someone to help me see the light." looks pretty clear that my input didn't make it. either wasn't the right thing to say, or perhaps it was that moment in time where nothing could be said that would help shed some light on my taking care of me emotionally last Friday

I find it so easy to get real excited when she is in a good mood, all things are happy and wonderful. and so easy to follow her moods sometimes and have a hard time. I am such a naturally happy guy that this really bothers me for the fact that I feel really held down from being joyful. we use to be incredibly joyful. and I'm tired of thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, and living about it.

just darn tired from it all. emotionally mainly. I had a decent weekend despite it all though, so we'll see how things pan out.

I'm just losing ground here fast I feel like. is it possible for a guy to have too much hope? I don't have high expectations, I just remember how things were back when she was in a good mood and not relentlessly cold and mean.

- C sad

Post Edited (seenee) : 10/23/2007 3:42:19 PM (GMT-6)

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