Journal Entry for tonight

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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/4/2007 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I just wanted to share what I wrote tonight, it wasn't a good night.
 
There are so many emotions going through me right now.  I am confused; so confused.
 
I know in my mind and in my heart that it is completely okay for me to get stressed and overwhelmed.  Being bipolar, I can become irritable and down.  And that's okay.  It's not my fault.
 
I am to be proud of myself, not only for what I've accomplished recently in school, but for how far I have come in living with and managing this illness.
 
For someone to get so angry at me when I slip up, is extremely hurtful to me.  I feel the expectations are so high and unfair.  I do the best I can.  And that does count.
 
It is okay to be upset right now.  It is so okay to cry.  It is okay to feel stressed.  It is okay to feel on edge.  I got out of bed this morning (after not sleeping well last night) feeling very depressed, and I went to school. 
 
Ignore the anger directed at me and embrace my strength within.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/4/2007 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs, I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug. You are correct on ALL fronts. What I got from what you shared is someone got mad at you for something and you felt hurt by it because you felt it was not fair. Got it.

You know I am not BP, and just to add some new perspective for you, I want you to know that how you felt was NOT a BP thing. You have a total right to how it made you feel. The difference might be to the depth the feelings went. This week I had a similar incident regarding my son. I went to a PTA meeting focused on bullying and shared that it was hard to know that after all my son's hard work on him self; he is still the target of continual bullying from his peers. I shared that some of it at school was even happening from some of his football teammates on campus and it even occurred while on the sidelines during the most recent game from some of them. After the meeting I spoke with the PTA president, who is one of the parent assistant AD's for the team, that after the game, my son was so upset he wanted to quit the team and I was so hurt and angry for him that in the heat of my anger, I said that he should teach those kids a lesson and the next time they need him to block for them...don't! I also shared my son's response which was mature and honorable...he said that he would NEVER do that, he was part of a team, and even if they didn't treat him well, on that field he has a job to do and no matter what he would do it to his best ability. (which was the point to why I was telling her this to begin with). I finished with the fact that I agreed with him, apologized for loosing my cool and saying that, and he was right and I was proud of him.

Next thing I know, I am having a "talking to" from the coach of his team chewing me out for what I said. The woman had gone to him and told him - and it didn't matter to him what my son's response was, or that maybe after 8 years of my son being bullied, maybe there was history behind why I lost my cool in that moment and was reacting like a angry mama bear...ALL that mattered to him was what I had said....so on and so on....I got chewed out royal. I was SO angry and upset, I felt frustrated and sad. I couldn't sleep, I wrote a whole venting letter, called two friends and talked about this situation with them and read my letter to them, I called my mom and spoke and read to her, and I made my husband read it twice. I am now on day 3 of gnawing on it (although the feeling inside has dissipated greatly and after the next game will be able to let it go fully, I am sure) and it has triggered some fibromyalgia fatigue in my body, I'm craving sugar (although I am not eating it), and I have had to take a nap mid day for the last few days. And mind you, while perhaps I should not have said it, I also know in reality I did not REALLY do anything wrong besides get upset for my child and momentarily and privately lashed out. My son understood that, and still knew right from wrong, and I acknowledged his maturity and told him I was sorry. My error beyond that was sharing this with what turned out to be the wrong person.

My point is, you are not alone in your response, and believe it or not...it was NORMAL! I am so proud of you for embracing your inner strength and acknowledging your feelings and reaching out. I sometimes think that when you have BP, you don't know when your responses to things are just like what everyone else’s are and perfectly normal under the circumstances. Or, that what you are going through with how people treat each other sometimes is the same stuff the rest of us deal with too. I've shared this so you know you are doing a great job and are in normal range with this. Maybe I am wrong? But I hope it adds some perspective for you and you can see how WONDERFUL you are really doing (even when stuff like this comes up!). HUGS TO YOU MOGS…LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/5/2007 2:54 PM (GMT -7)   

LFW-Thank you so much for replying to my post.  I needed a reply.  Last night was terrible and I'm afraid today is not much better.  I am officially in a deep depression.  I am scared that it's going to last this whole weekend.  It's really bad this time.  I'm actually scared this episode may be really long.  I know I shouldn't stress like that; predict what I don't know is going to happen for sure.  I'm just expressing my anxiety over feeling this way.  I have these fears of how bad it's going to be and long it's going to last.

I can't stop crying.  I hate this so much, and I feel so alone.  I haven't called my pdoc re: the trileptal.  I'm not sure it would help with the depression.  But it would probably help with the cycling that I was experiencing before this depression hit. 

Anyway, I can't really see my pdoc over the weekend, unless I go to the hospital.  I don't want to go there.  I am really scared right now.  I don't want to feel this way.  I tried calling all my friends (all 3 of them) and no one is home. sad

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/5/2007 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh gosh, I hate that you both are going through so much. It's tough when other people want to show their butt. Life is just too short for such.

Maybe you guys need to find a way to try to relax tonight if you can. I know it can be hard though.

To get things off of my mind, I like to read something enjoyable, it's hard to read and think at the same time......

Take Care!!

Dasa

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/5/2007 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...Okay, I got it, you are in crisis mode. So, take a DEEP breath and follow these steps...
1. call your doctor and leave a message for him with his answering service about what is going on and if he can to please call you ASAP.
2. STOP and look around your house and recognize you are SAFE. You are not a threat to yourself and the anxiety you are feeling...AS REAL AS IT SEEMS...is chemically induced. Use your rational mind to say positive things to yourself...i.e. I am safe at home, I have food in the fridge, I can go on HW if I need immediate responses or on to the anxiety forum...my friends will be home soon and maybe one can come over and we can paint each others toenails? I can and will be alright!!!!!!!
3. I want you to STOP freaking yourself out with all the PRE-DETERMINATION predictions about this episode. You DO NOT know what tomorrow will bring...it isn't here yet. You can not base it on the past; every episode has its own unique qualities. Your verbiage must stay positive - the negative pessimistic stuff will only pull you down further and make it worse...the self fulfilling prophecy and all that. SO...YOU WILL BE FINE. THIS IS A MOMENTARY CHEMICAL REACTION IN YOUR BRAIN...YOU ARE SAFE NO MATTER HOW IT FEELS...YOU CAN BREATHE THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN CHOOSE TO CALM DOWN...BREATHE....I have TOTAL faith in you Mogs.
4. I want you to take out a DVD of ANY comedy movie you have and put it in. Make yourself some popcorn and chamomile tea, put on your favorite comfy socks and jammies and snuggle up and watch said movie. If you start feeling tired...allow yourself to SLEEP!
5. FIRST thing tomorrow I want you to go get a YOGA and MEDITATION RELAXATION TAPE at the video rental and TRY THEM OUT!
6. I want you to go for a walk in fresh air tomorrow, find some grass and take your shoes and socks off and walk on it with bare feet for about 5 to 10 minutes. It will help release negative ions...I know it sounds crazy but it does work.
7. REPEAT STEPS 2 -6 as often as needed.
8. If you cross the line of feeling safe, and feel you can not control this…GO TO THE HOSPITAL, that is what it is there for.

Mogs, you are a strong cookie…tell yourself that this is a piece of cake and make yourself believe it right now. I know you can do it if you discipline and set your mind to it. It will get you through to a calmer place and then you can talk to your pdoc on Monday, unless he calls you this weekend. Hang in there, we’re here….BIG HUG…LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/6/2007 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Dasa-Thank you so much for your well wishes.  I did relax last night and it did help.  Reading takes my mind off of things too.  As long as my concentration is in check; it seemed to work last night.

LFW-Thank you again for reaching out to me.  After I posted yesterday, I went into the bp chat room and someone came in; we chatted for a bit but then got kicked out (I think the chat rooms must be having technical problems again).  But it did help to talk to someone for a bit.  I will do that again this weekend if I need to.  Then I just stayed on the computer for a bit reading some things online.  That actually helped me calm down.  Then I started to remind myself that I needed to just take this hour by hour.  And that thought helped me calm down.

My bf and I do live together, I think you were asking about that one time.  He came into the computer room, and I was in tears a little bit, so I reached out for him to hug me.  I had told him earlier that day how I was feeling; so he asked if I was okay.  I told him I was trying to be.  I needed a big bug.  So he did that for me.  He also cooked us dinner.  And he treated me yesterday at my favourite book store-with some Starbucks and a new journal (and an anatomy folder to help me with school).  The journal was a little gift for doing so well in school.  That definitely cheered me up.  And I will be writing in the journal this weekend.  I am going to try to write more.

We also watched a movie.  It wasn't a funny one though, but I think I'll put my favourite funny one on today.  Still just being with my bf and watching the movie was effective in taking my mind off things.  I definitely got the depression to lift a bit, and my bf really helped with that.  And I did get very sleepy at the end, so I did go to bed, and my trazodone got me a nice 8 hour sleep.  Much needed.  I am sure that's why I am feeling a bit better this morning too; the trazodone might have helped.  But I am ready if I start feeling awful again today.

It's early in the morning now.  I am going to ask my friend who teaches yoga, to give me one of her dvd's, this weekend.  And I'll see if maybe she would like to help me with it moving forward.  As for the walk...  My bf and I are going to one of the nicest parks we have here in the city for a walk today.  I am looking forward to that.  I'll have to try the walking bare foot thing. 

Thank you again for reminding me about taking the steps to get out of the crisis I was in.  I hope things are well for you.  I know things have been stressful for you and I want you to know we are here for you.  Hugs back, have a great day today.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/6/2007 6:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Mogs,
 
I'm sorry you went through all of that the last few days. I'm glad you were able to come up with some ways to help settle you down. Good idea about checking out healingwell's chat rooms.  LFW gave a lot of good advise and I'm glad that was able to help.
 
Sounds like your off to a good start of your day. And remember LFW & Dasa's suggestions if you start to feel anxious today.
Good Luck!
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/6/2007 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Sukay,

Thank you for your post.  Such kind words, I appreciate it.  I'm starting to feel worse again, but I'm trying not to panic.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/6/2007 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...MANUAL OVERDRIVE on the panic stuff. When you feel it coming take a deep breath and do steps 2 & 3. That should help keep the "panic" stuff better controlled. Then...on to clear thinking over feelings about creating distraction and self soothing until all the negative sensations subside....YOU CAN DO IT, just like you did yesterday.

Little story...after the birth of my first child, due to a REALLY stressful delivery, on the 3rd night in the hospital I suddenly shot up in bed and started hyperventilating and shaking all over. I talked me through it, and calmed me down. Suddenly, 15 minutes later, it happened again, but this time images of the doctor coming at me with the knife from the c-section started flashing in front of me – because I could still feel everything and he wasn’t listening (he finally did before cutting when I started screaming LOUDLY). BUT AGAIN...I talked me through it and calmed me down. This continued for HOURS every 15 minutes. It was a visceral reaction I had no control over except to work to stay calm through it and SLOW MY BREATHING down when it hit. It was eventually determined that I had suffered a touch of post traumatic stress as a result of the delivery (some more therapy after this came my way and it eventually stopped). I also have experienced physically a similar feeling when coming off anesthesia for me, and when I have had various surgeries in my life, and re-experienced this sudden intermittent shaking and breathing issue. So, while I don't suffer anxiety or BP...I do sort of "get it". This is what I did to stay in control of it. I know it works, because it did for me. The key was to take almost an observational 3rd eye approach to it. "Oh, look there...that thing is happening again, well, I'm safe, I'm home, Breathe slowly...force yourself, calm down...flow with it until you can get the reins back...you'll be fine, it's just my mind and body reacting...BREATHE..." And I kept this dialogue through out and I would pick a focal point, stare at it, and say positive things to myself, or things completely unrelated..."Gee, look at that spot on the wall, that's a funny shape, look how the light is reflecting off that corner of the room...etc". It distracted me too to get outside my own head which was in that moment having trouble.

So my dear...ONE STEP AT A TIME...remember whatever comes you can ride the wave...become a master surfboarder of your waves...you DO NOT need to "wipe out". You are capable, strong, smart, clever, and agile! I believe in your ability to become a GREAT surfer chick! SMILES - LFW

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/6/2007 9:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs,

I hope that chat night helped, even just a little. I would feel really guilty if you felt this bad, and I didn't help you at all. I am sorry you feel really bad. Hang in there!
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell:
 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/6/2007 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli-- You forgot your fuchsia super-cape is still hanging in the closet. Remember to take it out and whenever you wear it, it's a reminder that you are okay, that we are here, and any one of us would happily talk you through an attack.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Remember to do WHATEVER makes you feel better. I'm a big fan of bookstores with cafe's too (I work in one but I'm still in there almost every day). It's just a nice, neutral atmosphere. I'm a big fan of writing in my journal too. Something about putting all the ick down on paper helps me get it out of my head.

I avoid even slightly sad-ish movies when I'm feeling blue. Only comedies for me: the sillier the better.

(((Hugs))) to you, and if you start out having another crummy day tomorrow, definitely call your doc's emergency line. That's what they're for.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/8/2007 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi everyone

Thanks for all of your support.  Olivia, the chat the other night definitely helped with what I was going through that night, so thank you.

This weekend has been very up and down; mostly down.  Today I'm very much down, but I'm trying to get through this.  Thank you again everyone.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 12:44 PM (GMT -7)   
*rooting through closet for things to cheer mogli with.*

Dusty Sock monkey. No.

Broken scrabble board. No.

Old pilled up sweater that makes b****ts look lumpy. Definitely no.

Aha!

Plastic tiara!

*Dons plastic tiara. It's a bit crooked. Cues up ABBA's 'Fernando'*

Serafena sings loud and off key, "Can you hear the guns, Fernando?" twirling around the room on her hardwood floor in slippery socks.

(Resident goofball at your service.)

Feel better Mogs!
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/9/2007 3:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Serafena,

Your post made me laugh out loud, definitely very healing.  I am feeling much better so far this morning...It feels like the episode has lifted, but I will keep my cape with me and the thoughts of you singing n' such :-)


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/9/2007 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Good. tongue
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/9/2007 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad that Serafena's post made you laugh, it's one step closer to receovery. So when you feel down think of her post. Maybe you should print it out and hang it somewhere for you to see. :-)


Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/9/2007 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Um... I'm not sure that silliness needs to be preserved for posterity. :-) But whatever works, of course.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/9/2007 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh I think it does :-) I think I'm going to put the post in my journal, b/c it cheers me up so much.

Serafena, I hope you are feeling well, I hope the vertigo has left and never comes back.

Olivia, take it easy.  I know you haven't been feeling the greatest.  Thanks for reaching out to me.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/9/2007 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
See Sarafena, you've done a good thing! yeah
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell: 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

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