Had enough of this!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

atwitsend_wife
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/7/2007 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   
New to this chat room.......I would love to connect with another spouse of a bipolar person.  Been married for 15 years and the illness has progressively gotten worse.  Currently my husband has not worked for 2 yrs.  Is only comfortable in our house. Has no friends or hobbies.  He will complete a list of chores I give him on a daily basis and that is about all he does.  Sleeping by the time I get home from work and is not reliable or dependable.  I work full time, have a daughter in college and one son in middle school.  I get no emotional support and feel like a parent not a spouse in this relationship.  I have plans to move on, separate, in my mind all the time, once my son is done with high school. 
anyone out there in the same situation??

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/7/2007 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atwitsend_wife,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the support you're looking for here. There are indeed several spouses of bp sufferers on our board who can undoubtedly commiserate with you. Good luck.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/7/2007 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atwitsend,

Welcome to the forum. It seems like there are bp folks here that have their symptoms under control and that is hopeful. I'm trying to learn from them and maybe it will help my husband.

I can relate.....mine doesn't work real well either. We are supposedly running a business at home that isnt' very successful. He will more often than not, lay around and do nothing and it irritates me to know end. He often uses the fact that he had to take too much sleep medicine to get to sleep and got to sleep in the middle of the night and then wants to sleep half of the day. Well, if you sleep most of the day, you aren't going to be able to go to sleep at bedtime.

Then he often jumps up at the last minute before something important needs to get done (big procrasinator), very hyper alot and does things that are not usually productive. You are doing one better than me with the list. Mine doesn't get around to the things I need for him to do. He is off on his own idea of what needs to be done which is usually something for "him"......a selfish thing,,,,,IMO.....

There are times when he acts paranoid and doesn't want to talk to people. Then he switches to talking everyone's ears off and brags about how everyone loves him. The he doesn't meet a stranger type personality. It is very much a rollercoaster type life around here. I did a couple of years ago suggest that we probably needed to separate. He shaped up more for awhile and started trying to do better but it has gradually gone down hill again.

I know he has mood swings and hyper activity from some type of disorder. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I think it's more. The medications that he is own has helped some of his symptoms but there is much more that needs to be done. I'm like you, I wonder alot how I can continue to stay on this road. It it is so difficult and life doesn't have to be. I love my dh, but sometimes I do wonder if love is enough to put up with all that goes with it. I don't have children and I'm glad. It would have been much more difficult with children.

I hope you find some answers.

Has your husband been to a doctor? Is he on any medications?

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/7/2007 10:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atwitsend_wife,
 
I'm sorry for all that you are going through. Serafena is right. There are several people on this board that have bi-polar spouses and can relate/give advise on what you are going through.
 
I am on the other end. I have bi-polar and a husband and family. When I was at my deepest depression I was exactly like your husband. The list of chores that my husband left me, was a blessing because that was the only way I could stay focused and do something positive during the day. I at the time was incapable of doing anything more for myself. He continued to leave lists for me for a long time. They were'nt huge where they felt overwhelming to me....just little motiviators and things to help me keep focused and out of bed.
 
Sometimes on the list would be to run an errand or take the dog for a walk, just to get me out of the house/bed.
 
Is your husband under a psychiatrists care and on medications? If so, have you ever gone to one of his appointments with him to make sure the doctor understands what he is actually dealing with on a daily basis? I ask, because when I was going through really difficult times, my hubby would come with me, because my vision of things weren't always accurate. A lot of times I was unaware of how I was really behaving and my hubby had to clue my doctor on what was really happening, so he could adjust my meds properly and offer me more support.
 
Does your husband see a therapist on a regular basis?
 
I have learned from several people on this board about how difficult it is to live with people who have bi-polar. I know you go through so much! I know us bi-polars need sooo much support, but I also know that the spouses also need sooo much support too! I am sure somebody will be along with some advise for you.
 
I'm just touching on what it is like on the otherside. Going through depression is so very hard, and needs so many baby steps. It takes a lot of energy and persistance to crawl up out of that. I hope your husband is able to learn the keys to that by seeing his therapist regularly and joining a support group.
 
I wish you well as I do for your husband as well.
 
Sincerely,

~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 10/7/2007 10:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm diasnosed bipolar for about 6 years now, and what your describing about your husbend is similar to me. I have no desire to do or accomplish anything durring the day. A good day for me consists of 14 or more hours of sleep. my parents have hard time dealing with me , I'm still single living under their roof, sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but most of the time I try not to think about it. I take a lot of Meds which seem to help a little, I really don't know what they do but I trust my doctor. I take like 7 pills in the morning and 7 pills in the evening.

So basically I watch cable TV and surf internet all day and i'm not sure what to do ... it seems like i'm getting worse everyday.

I Used to work since I was 22, but recently I can't , I tried a number of jobs and I always have problems, like missing apointments, forgeting things, showing up late in the morning, disapearing for a few hours at lunch time (so I can sleep usually). it' terrible I know but I have a strange method in my mind to accept these things as if I don't have a choice in the matter...
                                                     To be or not to Be

Post Edited (Akram) : 10/7/2007 11:32:16 AM (GMT-6)


footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 10/7/2007 10:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello atwindsend_wife, I am married to a bp spouse, she was dx in June and like you we have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. Has your husband been diagnosed properly? Is he on meds and does he take them regularly? I ask because I can relate to your situation when my wife hadn't been diagnosed yet and was not on meds. I felt like I was the parent of 3 girls not 2 and a wife, she slept all the time and didn't have the desire to complete daily tasks, her world revolved around her and her decision making was suspect to the point of being immature. Since her dx she has taken control of the bp, her parenting skills have grown, she sleeps regular hours and doesn't need or want afternoon naps anymore, she is driven as far as completing tasks and researching and learning about bp, the selfishness has gone away. I know this may seem like a perfect scenario now for us and maybe it isn't the normal situation after dx. My wife goes to a support group and is amazed that only her and the leader take their meds regularly, the rest of the people are so up and down every week and don't get it that the meds need to be taken as prescribed not when they feel they need them. As far as leaving or staying, I hear you, not for the same reasons as you, but I hear you.

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/7/2007 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Atwitsend_wife,

I too wanted to welcome you to the HW family and to the Bipolar forum. I am glad you are finding the support you are looking for.
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell:
 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


atwitsend_wife
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/7/2007 5:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all your comments.....My husband was dx with bp about seven years ago. He has been taking meds, seeing an MD, talking to a MSW, IP and OP therapy. He does take his meds regularly. He will not go to any support groups. I often wonder because he has been like this for so long, if it is just the easy road. I do feel that there is more he can do. Like quit smoking 1 1/2 pks a day, stop drinking huge amounts of caffine all day and getting at least some exercise.
Of course, I can only suggest these things, he will not do them. Really, I feel like he is just waiting for some magic pill to make him better with no effort on his part.
Any more suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/7/2007 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I am reading 'Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" which is about how to work with your bp spouse in managing the disorder.  It explains how to approach him and what to do and what to say.  I don't know if it works because I haven't started trying it yet.    

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atwitsend:

The symptoms you describe definitely indicate that his medications are not working. You say he sees an MD. A psychiatrist or a family doc? Has he seen his doctor recently? Does the MD know how severe his daily symptoms are? At this point he is completely non-functional and a psychiatrist needs to see him and understand that. It's time for a new approach.

I don't want to be contradictory, but your husband's moods ARE completely out of his control at this point. I know it is incredibly frustrating to watch your husband seem to self-destruct and leave you holding the bag, but I can assure you as someone who has suffered through it, he would likely do ANYTHING if it would make it go away. It feels that bad. The problem is, the depression sucks away any energy you might have to be in control of your life, or any belief you might have to feel like you could change it. You honestly feel like it will be like this forever and ever and it will never change no matter what you do. The depression just eats your soul away, convinces you you're worthless. And it cycles. So you accept it. What he's suffering from is a serious malfunction of his brain receptors and chemical imbalances, and frankly, he IS going to have to find a medication which works to make it better. Quitting smoking isn't going to do it.

If you decide to stay, what your husband could use is some help getting this mood stabilized so he can get back on track. He needs is someone to be his advocate, someone to go to the doctor with him and tell the doctor what is really going on. Depression makes it really hard to express what you're really thinking and feeling. Your memory goes. If the doctor isn't willing to change medications or reconsider treatment even though the current treatment clearly isn't working, you need to find a new doctor. It is your husband's responsibility to take charge of his treatment, accept the help, take his medications, and continually work towards getting better. You say he's taking his pills and going to his appointments, so clearly he knows he has a problem. He needs a break.

You are absolutely right that the smoking, diet and exercise are probably not helping, but when you are already that depressed, being bombarded with a list of things you are doing wrong is completely counter-productive. It just reinforces the idea that he's worthless and he is already being debilitated by that. He won't be able to address those issues until his mood is stabilized. Once he's stabilized he can be more proactive about maintaining his wellness. There are ways to be aware of our triggers and try to head episodes off at the pass, but in order to learn about those triggers you have to be pretty healthy in the first place.

Could you tell us what medications he's on and how long he's been taking them? Also can you tell us what his manias are like and when he was last manic?

Be well.

Thanks!
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

Post Edited (serafena) : 10/8/2007 1:34:38 PM (GMT-6)


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
AWEW, I am a spouse to a BP. I also have a son who is BP. So I am well versed in the frustrations you are experiencing, although we have not had an episode last 2 years, or been nearly this debilitating. My H & S are both well regulated on their meds. Clearly your husband is not. You need to be a part of his wellness team - with him and his doctors as he is clearly not getting where he needs to go. Plus, while it sounds like he is doing the regular checkups, the various therapies, etc. The fact that it is not working indicates IMO the need to shake it up a bit with a new team, a new battery of re-evaluations, and some fresh eyes into the pie as it were. Perhaps have him seen by a major university group well versed in all the various manifestations of BP and ALL the medications available?

Now with that said, I want to say something directly to you...much of the feedback has been about your husband and his illness. And YES, he is suffering from one; HOWEVER, you count to. Living with BP's is a hard life. I understand YOUR frustrations with it. I came to HW at a low point of feeling very alone, ready to pull every last one of my hairs out, and questioning how much longer I felt I could go on like this. I was so painfully unhappy, angry and sad. Yes, I do love my husband, but I counted to. For me, finding HW allowed me a place to be heard, vent, and hear things back from other BP's, and their spouses, that gave me space to learn things I could do to help make things better. All this together improved things in my household as I shifted things I was doing, as I could see other things more clearly and learned new and better ways for me to handle things. I also found that my resentment lowered to some degree. I hope finding HW will do the same for you. However, I also want you to know that it is OKAY if you feel you want out. There is nothing that says you have to stay...NOTHING. That is a personal choice IMO. And there is NO right or wrong about it. You are not a bad person if you choose to leave. You are not a saint if you choose to stay. You have the freedom to do whatever you need to for you. You DO count too, equal to your husband. And if you can't do this anymore, if this is not the life you want to live anymore for you...you don't have to. There is no judgment for you either way from me, or anyone else I would assume on the HW forum. We all get how difficult this is.

Now, with that said, if you choose to stay, there have been a lot of suggestions given of things you can do. Plus, now having a place to come and feel valued by your input to others, gaining some insight and ideas of how to improve things on your home front, may just do what it has for me.

I will hold good thoughts for you all. LFW

wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 10/8/2007 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Can someone please tell me what "IMO" means?  I haven't a clue but I see it used many times over on the threads.
Thanks so much..
wcc
darnant quod non intellegunt -
They condemn what they do not understand
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 11:10 AM (GMT -7)   
In My Opinion
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Thursday, December 08, 2016 5:04 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,029 posts in 301,267 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151368 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Martinese.
380 Guest(s), 13 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Bololidat, Laker7491, THE HAPPY TURTLE, shliv, dacarte3, Sarebear89, LG13, Huddie, vtu15, ChickenArise, Dreamerboy, Mustard Seed, Mister Mike


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer