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bam
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/8/2007 10:22 AM (GMT -7)   
 I have just finished reading a book called "Boomerang Love" it is about loving someone who has borderline personality. I thought that my husband was definatly Bipolar but after reading this book he seems to be borderline.He seems to have the symtoms of both these illnesses. Except he does not cut himself or has ever tried to commit suicide. He is very functionalble and goes to work but as I have said early on in my post he only acts this way with me. He says I make him do bad things. He's destroyed our lives and yet he said I did nothing to stop him from leaving but his patterns are the same in 3 to 4months he seemed ok and then started acting mean irraitalble unhappy and bored with life and then find an excuse to get angry and packed up all his stuff an leave and say he's never coming back. He would get drunk and envolved with other women and then in 3 months he'd come outa whatever it was that he went thru come home and the same thing would start all over again. I even talked to some of the other girls he was envolved in and they each told me the same thing he lies to them with the exact same stories. This is why I finally filed for legal seperation which he's been gone now for 1 1/2 years and again he did the same thing another girl same story and it's my fault coz I didn't stop him. He knows deep inside  something is wrong and we have gone to docotors  but not long enough for a dx . but this time his pattern was changed becoz I had gotten sick and now our lives are exactly what these books say about theses illnesses and how they destroy families. He sounds like a broken record and his denial is so strong . What does it take for these people who do function and don't want help desire to get help?  he will just leave us like this and keep moving forward he seems to just block out what he's done and act like nothing I can't fix the damage he's done but I know it is becoz of one of these disorders and I don't want a divorce. I know he is lost and that all his actions have been becoz he is sick . I need this thing to have a name ! It's so real and his family needs to see that it's not me I don't make him do bad things this illness does. He looks so normal and acts normal around everyone else except me I see it and he knows I see is this why he runs away from me? He thinks that I want him to be sick so I can control him. I just want him to get a name for what's driving him further and further away from "ME" sad

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Bam, you asked a lot of questions so I will give you my opinion as a spouse to a BP.
1. YOU CAN NOT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOESN"T WANT IT. Regardless of his dx, clearly your husband does not want help. I know this is sad to you, but illness or not, is this how you want to be treated? I would hope not. It isn't as though this pattern has happened once...it seems repetitive. SO...IF this is how it is going to be forever (and all you can go with is the information you have as he has had ample opportunity to recognize his issues) is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Answer this first before you move on in my response.

If the answer is yes, then I don't know that any of us can offer anything more than sympathy for what you are going through, and for that I can just say I hear your pain, and I am so truly sorry you are going through this - it must feel awful.

If the answer is no...then …
2. Right now don't worry so much about "which" disorder he has...he could have both I suppose...who knows...it really doesn't matter anymore. These illnesses can also be unique to each person in how they manifest and if he won't see a doctor - the only thing you can do is accept this and LET GO. You already have the legal separation...perhaps it is time to let go and move forward. You can also view this action as clear boundries of what it would take to have a relationship with you, and tough love….I know it is not YOUR first choice...but you have tried to help him, he does not want it. And, you have already made it clear you will put up with this behavior every day that you have stayed or will interact with him and allow him to come back. You can not worry about what others think. People with these illnesses punish the ones who know (when they don't want to be responsible about it), and they put up great facades to the outside world. But in the end, ANYONE they gets genuinely close to him will eventually see and experience what you do. This will be his problem, not yours. You loose dignity in yourself by not taking as good of care of yourself, as you are attempting to take of him. He doesn't want your care...do you? He will not appreciate it...you will. You have a chance to have a happy life if you give yourself what you need, like a partner who is capable of caring as much for you as himself and committing to a life of wellness – or if at the very least a life without disrespect and emotional abuse. Clearly, this man can not give you this or he would be. Will he ever be able to if HE chooses to get well…you won’t know unless he does…and after “how many years? – he hasn’t. So how long are you willing to wait or go through this? Make a plan for YOUR OWN wellness, and take action. Plus, if you have kids in the mix…this really IS harming them and teaching them the wrong lesson about what is acceptable behavior (illness or not, because the lesson if you are ill then becomes you don't have to be responsible about it). I wouldn’t want my daughter or son to think this is either how you can behave, or need to accept to be treated. Do you?

I wish you the strength to choose well for yourself, and your future, whatever you make of it. There is no right or wrong. But should you choose to stay…then realize you have made that choice of your own free will. You are choosing to stay on the rollercoaster. Just remember, showing your love for someone does not mean suffering for them or allowing them to emotionally abuse you. And it doesn’t show love for yourself to allow it either. You should love yourself equal to anyone else. My good thoughts go with you. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/8/2007 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Bam:

I'm going to write a very harsh sounding post here, but I mean it entirely in the best way: for your own good. I hope you don't take offense. I really just want to be completely honest with you.

First of all, there's only one way you're going to get a name: a doctor. He's going to have to agree to go to a psychiatrist and have an evaluation. There really is no other way. A lot of the symptoms of bipolar and borderline personality disorder overlap as do many other mood and personality disorders -- they have similar symptoms but are very different problems with different treatments. You really need a qualified professional to help you determine that. He needs to get to a doctor, get a diagnosis, get in a treatment program and commit to it. If he won't do that all on his own -- there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change his mind. It is entirely up to him to make that decision.

He needs to take some responsibilty PRONTO, and the longer you keep making excuses for him (i.e. "it's just his illness") the longer he's going to keep walking all over you. It's just like Casem and Scared_Wife's threads. (Go back a page or two on the main bipolar page and read through their whole past threads.) They are both struggling with men who also have trouble accepting their conditions and have refused to get diagnosed/treatment. You need to get on with your life. If he has spent the past year and a half separated and sleeping around on you, it is time for you to move on for your own good and the good of your little girl. You are totally being taken advantage of.

All my best.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


bam
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/8/2007 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, i needed that and those strong words I can't change and fix this horrible mess he's made. I hurts soo bad to see the love of ur life go on like nothing he blocks everythng out while I sit and cry for him. I guess i need to really mourn this loss there just doesn't seem to be real closure in all this madness.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/8/2007 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Bam, The only closure you will have is to recognize that you are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. And therefore, not possible no matter how hard you try. Your best hope is to end this as cleanly as you can for yourself, get closure for yourself – by yourself, because he will not help, and start taking care of YOU. Mourn the loss of your love...he is already gone, and mourn the loss of your dreams. Cry, and then let it go and MOVE ON. You will have joy again, and love again, if you learn to love yourself enough to let this madness go from your life. Otherwise, he takes you down with him. I once had a therapist tell me years ago, that a person sometimes does not need to feel their own pain, if I do it for them...So, I had to love myself enough to stop taking on their pain and let it be theirs. I could be there for them when, and if, they were ready to face their own pain. But other than that, there was nothing I could do. The relationship ended because I got stronger and was of no use to them anymore...and as they did not want to face the pain for themselves...I was now a liability for them to be around because I knew too much and they could not hide around me and play "pretend and denial". So, there was no place to go together. It had to end. And it did...BADLY. I can honestly thank them for all the hell I went through now, as I would not be the person I am, or have the life I do, if it were not for having been through that. It was hard, but I made it through. I now have a husband and 3 great kids, and we have built a good life together. Grant you it is not an easy one, but it is good. Let go, grieve and move on FULLY...NO LOOKING BACK. There will be nothing there but the shadow of the dreams you are mourning. Look forward and you will see endless possibilities. You’re in my thoughts...LFW
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