Thank you so much for the hello. I honestly just sat down to post a message to you. So weird the way things happen like that. I have been reading some of your posts, and I just sometimes don't know what to say, to FBF. Sometimes reading how he feels I become confused. I guess I just don't know what to say to help him become "un-stuck" with his feelings/not being able to move past the pain. I know it's going to take time. But I want both of you to be happy. I wish the hardest part was all over with.
Dutchie, I hope you are conitinuing with your support group and all of your goals. I am so proud of you and I think of you all the time. I hope that on your down days you are as supportive to yourself as you are with me and others. You are such a strong person to be dealing with all of this. FBF is as well.
School is awesome. I am still in the 90's. Perfect attendance too. This week I got a nasty cold, but I managed to go to school everyday. And I rested today so I should be much better by Monday. I am proud of myself. And school is keeping me so busy that sometimes I don't even have time to notice my moods! What are your days like now, what is keeping you busy? I hope your girls are well.
Well, I am going to read some other posts and then get back to some homework before bed. OH-My bf and I are doing okay. Sometimes I wonder if that's because I am depressed much less...The only time we seem to have the problems is when I am depressed. Anyway, I am going to try to communicate with him as much as I can when I am not well. You and FBF (and so have others) have given me such great advice with that whole situation and I appreciate it so much. I will try and keep posting to you both more.
Take care of yourself, and FBF too. Hugs.
FBF, open is ALWAYS good, at least then you both have something to work from that’s real. That isn't to say it won't be, and isn't, painful, but really it is the only place you can begin to heal and find a new path to your heart. I know you are stubborn, and I know you are highly committed to your position that you have "always" been this way about forgiveness and such, but unless you allow yourself to learn something new about yourself to, and ALLOW yourself the right to "change your mind on your position", or you allow yourself to grow in this way...you are no different than a person running from the truth when diagnosed with anything – because you will be preventing growth and change. And your running itself will end up being the end of it all for you. FBF...life is messy, life is painful, and if we don't learn to forgive, it will be a very lonely life in the end as WE keep ourselves separate from others to protect our lives from having pain. That is not really living...that's fear. Plus, using your situation, it would be a very different story if Dutchie had not so thoroughly embraced and worked to conquer the BP dx. But according to you, she has…Since then, she has grown and learned and according to your acknowledgements...begun to really change in all positive ways. Separate from the weight issue, which is still quite an accomplishment, I am talking to the person she is becoming. Perhaps she has earned a step or two from you towards hope? A step or two towards moving beyond the past? A step or two towards learning and earning a smidge of trust from you? I know your history makes you fear this too will in the end fail, and it will all go away, she won't stick with it...BUT, has she stuck with ANYTHING before this consistently, or for this length of time? Remember, you now know EVERY flaw your spouse has, and you are learning some of your own. You now know ALL the signs and pitfalls with your spouse (and up until the affair – you accepted the old relationship)...Pastures ALWAYS look greener in the “fantasy” of starting over…but those fantasy’s are NEVER how reality plays out. Plus, someone new leaves you COMPLETELY vulnerable to a world of pain you haven't even imagined...and you WON"T be able to trust as you don't know them "inside out". I am sure you keep all this in mind as you stay so HIGHLY COMMITTED to that position of yours… AGAIN…I remind you…ALL positions can change if you allow them to…regardless of what you think.
I also want to point out to you something I keep noticing…every time you come up with a game plan to start to take action to help YOU begin to process this and start finding closure about it…(write a letter to the wife [sending it or not...just even the writing of it would be helpful]), go speak to the wife, write in a venting journal all about your rage, mistrust and anger... pin his picture to a punching bag and HAVE AT IT...whatever...you talk yourself out of action. This is how you keep yourself stuck...please consider revising that plan! And YES, you should look at possible consequences to your actions first by all means...but pick something on your list and start doing it. Allow movement to take place that attempts to point you in the right direction towards your wife and family with some healing. As to your anniversary, perhaps it is not about celebration or mourning...it is about acknowledging. It is about acknowledging the past...good and bad...it is about acknowledging the future...good and bad. Maybe it is a good time to play the game..."if from this point forward I could have it my way...my dream would be...???" And then tell each other. Share where you would LIKE to be in 2, 5, 10 years time…etc. You may find out you are on the same page (and that doesn't mean you will necessarily know how to get there, or believe even that you will...just that it is your first choice or your dream). And you may find you are not on the same page...so even all the "work" you are doing is counter productive as you are working at cross purposes. But the fact is...you have been together for 15 years of marriage and that at least needs acknowledging. It can be a card, a letter to each other, it can be dinner just the two of you at McDonalds, or a nice dinner for two at your favorite restaurant, or just a toast to each other after a nice meal at home...whatever. It can be about friendship, partnership...not necessarily romance. You decide…but, it should be something.CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!! DON"T GIVE UP AND KEEP WORKING...BOTH OF YOU!!!!!!!!!! 15 years MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs to you...LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/21/2007 3:42:28 PM (GMT-6)
I don't believe you are going to give up. You have worked so hard and that proves so much. Just because someone was a certain way in the past does not mean they cannot change, and I think you have really worked hard to change your ways.
Don't lose faith in yourself, and don't doubt yourself. You are strong and you can get through anything. And way to go with the 70lbs!
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 10/24/2007 12:34:56 AM (GMT-6)
I too am also like serafena; I have been reading along.
I'm glad that serafena said what she did because I absolutely agree.
I also agree with what LFW stated in her last post to you.
I think FBF will be doing you both a favor as soon as he starts to make some positive changes for his self. Right now I think how he is behaving and treating you is verbally and mentally wrong. It sounds like he is never going to let you live this down. He sounds like he is going to make you pay for the rest of your life. I think he needs to make some decisions for himself and poo or get off the pot already and let you go on with taking care of yourself instead of all the guilt and shame he makes you relive. What more does he want from you?
You even said, he said he was only staying in the relationship for the kids. He doesn't see getting past this. He needs to get help for himself and get over his anger. He is putting everything on you and that is not fair. I don't like the way he makes you feel all the time. Now you are dealing with anxiety issues because you are so overwhelmed with everything.
This of coarse is just my opinion. LFW says is so politely. I hope that you and FBF read and re-read her post over and over again until you both absorb it. LFW hit it on the head!
Wishing you both wellness.
Post Edited (serafena) : 10/24/2007 11:24:29 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (mogli) : 10/26/2007 6:11:41 PM (GMT-6)
Dutchie & FBF,
A belated Happy Anniversary. I am touched with your anniversary stories. I really do hope that you both can stay together and be happy, together.