A slip of the foot you may soon recover,
but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
Sorry you're feeling so lousy. You said that you feel that somehow you don't deserve to feel well, because you feel you let everyone down.
You didn't let everyone down. You're just going through a very difficult time right now. Reach out to your friends and say "Hello". See how they are doing and what has been going on their lives. It doesn't have to be about you if you don't want it to. Send some e-mails their way and tell them you were thinking about them and just wanted to say hello.
You know our caregivers go through a lot too. Sometimes I think there needs aren't met either by constantly holding up the fort while we are going through our difficult times. I really believe that our spouse's need to know that they are very important and appreciated very much for all they do.
I think you should tell your husband how you feel and that you would like to try talking with each other or watch a funny movie together instead of him hibernating in the cellar all the time with his computer. You say he hasn't touched you in weeks. Maybe you can initiate a roll in the hay and catch him off guard.
I know all the frustrations of waiting for meds to kick in and constantly having to take baby steps, but that is the only way we are going to make it. Keep pushing. I know it's hard but you have to believe in yourself that you do deserve better and that you are willing to work at it. Believe me it does get better but we constantly have to take care of ourselves too. I would reconsider taking your meds again if you really want to get better. We have to be proactive and I know we all get fed up with things but just take a deep breath and really think about how much your effort is so important to regain your wellness.
I hope some of this helps Wen. I've been there and really know what you are feeling right now. Keep pushin...Hang Tough!
Good Morning Sukay and Serafina (and everyone else),
Thank you both for responding - I just can't get over how loving and helpful this family is. I thank you both for your suggestions, warm, kind and helpful words.
On top of everything else that's been happening with the major med screw up at the pdoc's office (which we are still trying to get the antidepressant issue straightened out - this has been an almost 2 week thing with it now), I have had the stomach flu. This is why I haven't been on the 'puter much in the last few days. My PCP is seeing a lot of the stomach flu lately, in fact she had it for 3 days herself. So I'm feeling a little better today and per the docs' orders I'm just drinking gatorade to help get fluids and whatever else is in it back into my system. Although water is good, it doesn't have all that other stuff in it like gatorade does. It was either that or go to the ER for some IV fluids because I am so dehydrated. This may still happen if things don't stop soon - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I need this like I need a 2nd set of ears - LOL. I'm really trying to keep my sense of humor with all of this - I'm tired of crying.
Also - another issue that I have to help my daughter through as of this morning - she apparently left off one of the caps to the hamster cage last night after she cleaned it and now the hamster is gone. Of course she is very upset - she really loved that little rodent; this was a b-day present from Daddy and she hasn't had it quite a month yet. OY - kids!!!! So now I'm on the look out for it today - I don't like rodents - yuck.
Sukay, no need to be sorry, I'm not sure that I explained things very well in my posts - I was so upset when I wrote them that I didn't really make sense and didn't explain things very well. My husband really is caring and thoughtful, and really wants me to get better. He does realize that the BP will be with me forever, as well the A/P and Agoraphobia might be to some extent, and we are all still learning how to deal with this. When I'm upset and crying, he tries so hard to reassure me that everything will get better - with time and as long as I allow myself to be patient with the process. He keeps telling me that he's doing okay with all of this, although there are times that he has to walk away for a bit because he's feeling a little overwhelmed and like most men he just wants to be able to fix things for me and this is not something he can fix.
During the time that we have been together (12 years), it's been one medical issue after another for me. A year after we got together I had to have a partial hysterectomy (sp?) because of endometriosis. During that first year I was in a tremendous amount of pain and towards the end (before the surgery) I was in the doc's office at least once a week so the pain meds could be inceased because I was building such a tolerance to them. So there went my desire for us to have a child together - we are a blended family - the boys are mine and the daughter his (although I have since legally adopted her because her bio mother gave up her parental rights). Then along came the full-blown fibromyalgia, I have had issues with it since I was 17 when I was in a serious car crash (but I never knew what it was until a few years ago). But it became full-blown one Thanksgiving day, I went to take the turkey out of the oven and every single muscle in my body just seized up. Since then, I have never had a day w/o pain. One night, a few years ago, we thought I was having a heart attack (we have a family history of them, esp the women at young ages) and my hubby call 911 and I ended up in the hosp for 4 days. While in the hosp. many, many tests were done; it was determined that my heart was good with the exception of a Mitral Valve thingy that causes a murmur - no biggie; someone suggested that maybe the problem was GERD. So we decided that while I was still in the hosp. they might as well do an endoscopy thing down my throat to see what was going on. Not only do I have severe acid reflux but they found that it has caused a condition call Barrett's Esophagus - I had two open sores in my esophagus and this is a pre-cancerous condition. Now I have to be scoped at least once a year to make sure that nothing has changed. My then PCP (I've since changed to another) told me that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life to control the acid or I will most likely develop esophageal cancer. If I should miss a dose of that med - I pay for it dearly, the acid/heartburn is just about unbearable. So I try very hard not to forget this one. Pill box/planners are such a good thing. This was/is a little scary to me, because my grandmother died of this type of cancer. My current PCP has also made this extremely clear to me and she stays right on top of this problem, like she does with all the other ones. She's a great doc. There have been other issues too, but those are a couple of the big ones.
I have to give my husband a lot of credit - he has never once complained about all of my issues and has always been by my side to support me. Although there are times he gets frustrated with things, he has never even thought about leaving me. If had left me because of these issues, I certainly wouldn't have blamed him. This just proves how much he really loves me and God knows I love him. I've just been frustrated with him lately because I feel so needy these days and neither one of us is used to that. I have NEVER been a needy person and it's making me nuts that I need so much of his support now. It's completely turned everything upside down as far as our relationship goes - it's almost like we just don't know what to do with each other now - LOL.
Emotionally, I think I'm doing a bit better. I saw my therapist Wednesday night and instead of doing a lot of the CBT stuff like usual, we just talked about all the issues from the last week or so. He knows that I am extremely depressed right now and not having the A/D is not a good thing. He also called me yesterday to check on me (I told him that I am fearful that I may end up back in the hospital soon because I'm such a mess and so depressed) and he was able to fit me in for a session for this coming Monday because he had a cancelation (we originally had an appt schedule for 2 weeks away because that's all he had - he just returned from vaca. and is still trying to catch up with all his patients). So yay for me, I can get in earlier - I really think that I need that right now.
Serafina, I would love to be able to go out and about on my own, but because of the A/P and Agoraphobia issues my boundaries are pretty limited. about as far as I can get is my own yard, I have gone out a couple of times and wandered around and I think this weekend I'm going to tend to my flower gardens and start getting them ready for winter. There's a lot that needs to be cut back and I'm going to put down some manure and some mulch. It's supposed to be warm this weekend so it's the right time for me to get out there and do it. I find that working in the gardens - digging, cutting things, getting dirty is therapuetic for me so maybe this will hep my mood improve a little while I'm not on an A/D for now.
I can go for a walk with my husband or kids, but haven't been able to do it on my own yet - so pathetic, but I know - baby steps. The therapist has actually told me no more trips to Walmart for a while, because each trip I've taken there has ended up with a very negative/bad result. He feels that it's just too much for me because of all the stimulation there - lots of people, noise, kids crying, etc. So, small stores or not at all for now.
I would like to try going out to eat with my husband (no kids - LOL) and see how that goes. Going myself, just isn't an option yet.
The therapist wants me to get out more (of course - LOL) to help get myself desensitized more and more. I agree with him, but it's just so very hard to do. But I am going to try being strong and start getting out a little more. Going to friends houses has been okay too as long as my husband is there for a bit and when I'm comfortable he leaves. When I'm ready to leave, I just give him a call and he comes to get me or my friend will bring me home. I'm still not driving yet and I really don't miss it either - and I used to LOVE driving. Now I just don't care and it actually scares me a little at the though of getting back behind the wheel.
I have gone to get my nails done a couple of times (I know, silly - LOL) with a very dear friend - she's my other "safe" person. I actually need to have them done again - so maybe that's a good mission for me for this weekend. It's a small place and not overwhelming and I've even been thinking about trying to do this task on my own. What do you think? Should I try it on my own now or wait a little bit longer for that? Just an opinion - I know your not mental health professionals, but your thoughts (and anyone else's) on it would be good. Maybe because it's been such a rough week for me, I should just go with my friend and try it on my own another time? I really don't want to have an A/P attack while there. Again, what does anyone think about it? I know to some, this is a silly issue, because there are more important things to deal with than getting my nails done. But honestly, it keeps me from biting them - I've been a lifelong nail biter -and I'm trying to stop and this is the thing that keeps from biting. They are strong and I'm afraid I might break a tooth should I bite one - LOL. I'll admit that I also like the way they look - they are pretty. Either way, it would get me out of the house for a while.
First - Serafina, I consider myself to be chided and I apologize. If it happens again, I will split into two posts, if that's okay.
Thank you for your great suggestions, help, and support through this difficult time I've had. I'm actually start to feel a little better now. I have all of my meds now as of yesterday - finally, but had to switch from Lexapro to Celexa for the A/D because the insurance company wouldn't approve the Lexapro. - So ANOTHER med switch - oy! But I don't anticipate any problems and hope to back on track soon.
Yup - hooray for the small victories.
I went to the nail salon and got my nails done - hehehe - i picked an orange paint and then had some halloween designs airbrushed onto them. Silly, but it's fun.
I then came home put on my trusty garden gloves and worked in my garden for the rest of the day. Got a lot done too.
On Saturday my husband and I are going to try going out to eat and see how that goes.
Thank you all for your support and help.
Now it's time to go back outside to get more work done.
I'm thinkin about you today. How is it going with the celexa? Have you noticed a change? I hope it works out well for you.
I wish I could see your new festive nails. I'm glad you got out and did that. I'm also happy to hear you and your hubby are making plans to go out Saturday. Good for you. I hope the both of you have a wonderful time.
Doesn't it feel good to be out working in your garden? I really need to get outside and tend to mine before the weather gets too bad.
Well, have a wonderful day.
i was wondering where you have been so I started looking you up on the boards. I was very sorry to hear all of the things that you have been going through, but glad to see that you are feeling better. Now I know we have 2 more things in common and that is nail biting(life long) and acid reflux. Acid reflux is absolutly horrible. I know and I finally ended up having fundoplication surgery to stop it. I must say it was painful because I had to do the old style open fundo, but now I know in the states you can get laproscopic fundo. It has changed my life 100% I have not had one problem with acid since the surgery(knock on wood). If only there were a sugery for BP.
Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and while your gardening if you find bunch of grasshopper, scoop them up through them into a frying pan with oil salt and pepper and have a nice evening snack. It's a Thai favorite. Well, just about any bug is, but i like the crickets. Just think of all the new things you could experience on a trip to Thailand.(don't worry we have "regular" food as well) Take care