An Update on ME!

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Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/17/2007 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
HI!!!!
 
I just got home from Laurelwood Hospital...checked myself in on Sunday night.....best thing I ever did....I am having computer problems right now....so as soon as everything is fixed....hopefully tonight...i will give u all of the juicy details.....
 
i missed you....and shoelaces......but I gained clarity, perspective, and an action plan for MY mental health....
 
we will talk soon!
 
(((HUGS)))))
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 10/17/2007 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Casem,

It's good to have you back.  I am glad your hospital stay was pleasant and you gained clarity and perspective in the process.  We missed here on the board.  Big (((Hug)))



Olivia
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Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
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serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/17/2007 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Good job Casem! Glad to have you back, can't wait to hear how you're doing. You had us a little worried about you there...
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


LLEAKY
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 10/18/2007 2:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Really pleased you are ok.  

sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/18/2007 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Casem,
 
Welcome Home! I'm sorry you had to end up being hospitalized but I am glad you got the help you needed. I'm glad you are feeling better. Good Luck with your computer and I'll be waiting with everyone else to hear what process you went through and how it has helped.
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/18/2007 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Everyone! I apologize for the length right up front, but I have a lot to tell you! This is Post #1…

Sunday night felt like a black hole that I couldn’t get out of. I couldn’t stop crying and crying. I called Laurelwood myself to get information about their program and for the first time in my life I answered “yes” when someone asked “do you think you might hurt yourself?”. My mom met me there and after a couple hours of crying and pacing and answering a lot of questions….we (the admitting nurse, my mom and I )all agreed it was the best thing that I spend some time there to sort some things out.  Laurelwood Hospital is a large behavioral health/mental hospital in willoughby, oh. It is a 200 + facility with units for dual diagnosis, adolescents, violent mental health, and despression/anxiety/BP that has a great reputation in our area.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done. Once I was admitted to the depression/anxiety/BP unit, I felt hopeless and alone. I was shaking and crying and I sat in a corner in a hospital gown waiting for the staff shift change before anyone helped me. It was around midnight and dark and every one else was sleeping. I was so close to running out the door. I finally got to my room and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I met with my case manager who basically made sure I had all of the right appts. with all the right people….i met with a pdoc., gen. doc., and nutritionist all before noon. The pdoc was fantastic. He treated me with such respect and care. He listened and listened.  He had so much information about me all ready b.c they all shared information!! I was so impressed with their communication. Anyway….he was concerned about the fatigue I talked about (I could sleep all day every day if you let me) and my slight mood swings….. even since I had been there…..from weepy to perky to isolated. He was concerned that I had been on effexor and xanax since April from my gen. doc.  without positive results, and really, things have gotten worse. He suggested we try topamax for that night to see how I do and check in on me in the morning. The more I talked about my sleep habits….he hit the nail on the head about my sleep apnea. Right then and there he called the Cleveland Clinic and got me into a sleep study program. In the meantime, he wanted me to take provigil in the morning for energy.

I was amazed at how helpful it was to sit with other people that were hurting and struggling to live their daily life. The simplicity of it was so calming and therapuetic. I bonded with people I would normally never come across in my life, let alone cry with.  We laughed and we yelled at eachother. I fell in love with the schedule and I promise myself I will keep to it….as it has done wonders for me. The schedule of waking, eating, meds, working, exercise, therapy, free time, etc. keeps you focused.  It was the healthiest three days I have had since child hood!!   The freedom of limited choices was amazing for me!!   I have learned so much about myself and other people. I encourage anyone who is hurting so much so that they can’t help themselves anymore…. to just reach out to the experts for help in healing.  

Are you bored yet? More to come……


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/18/2007 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Post #2 - We had art therapy classes and gym classes. We watched the Indians STOMP the Red Socks!  Both my mom and my dad came to visit. My mom met with the pdoc to review the plan and she spoke with him several times. To be honest with you…..I think, because of the topamax and the fact that he kept saying he wanted to “get my mood stable”, he his hinting at a BP diagnosis for me, but didn’t want to say that because of the Michael thing. He said he isn’t a big fan of labels and yesterday,  when describing my diagnosis to me and mom, he actually said “I like to think of that Paul Newman western movie when he shoots that things and says ‘I don’t know what it was, but whatever it was, it’s dead now.’”  He is going to defer to the pdoc I see next week. Unfortunately, the pdoc at Laurelwood doesn’t do private practice. I even tried to fix him up with my mom, that’s how much I liked him.

I missed you guys a lot. I thought of you often. I thought  “I am sure my last post worried the heck out of them. …..I am missing their great advice….I probably wouldn’t need to be here if I could just read their responses…..they would get a kick out of this guy over here”.   I heard your voices in the stories of others. There were so many caring, loving people there……teachers, mothers, overwhelmed new fathers, college students, 20 + recovered alcoholics struggling with a change in bp meds….. I was only there for (3) days but I learned so much from others….just like I do from you.  The group that I was in was so loving and helpful. This group of total strangers. We all suffer from emotional/mental pain, the source of pain may be different, and our method of coping is certainly different, but we all suffer from emotional/mental pain.  Our cultural, social and economic backgrounds are different…but WE ALL  suffer.  There are so many insignificant things in our daily lives that we spend so much time worrying about.

Bottom line…..I left with a great action plan. I have an appt. with a new therapist/pdoc. next Wed.  near my work.  My sleep study is scheduled at the end of Oct. I have a great nutritional plan that is easy to follow. I am stable on the topamax and provigil and totally off the effexor and xanax. I picked up Spot (my dog) this morning and still feel great today.

Yes…I ackowledge that I have not yet talked about Michael and it’s b/c I really don’t want to yet. I do, however, reserve the right to do so at a future point in time….is that ok?  I love him, he needs to seek help, that’s all there is to it right now.  All I want to do is focus on me.

Thank you all so much for your care and concern. I now will spend the night reading posts and catching up on every one else’s  lives!


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
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   Posted 10/18/2007 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Amazing work Casem. What you did is exactly what Michael needs to do and what he can't face. It's scary, and takes some strength, but you find love and compassion, and it helps take the load off, doesn't it? I'm so glad you feel better. We were really worried about you. There's no need to dwell or to worry, you're right. Just focus on the future and focus on yourself. And impart some of that newfound wisdom on us. I, at least, could sure use some.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


wen4003
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Date Joined Aug 2007
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   Posted 10/19/2007 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem,
 
I haven't been involved in your other posts, but I have just read through some of your other posts and WOW!!  What a nightmare for you. 
 
Making the decision to go to the hospital is a very difficult one indeed - I did that in July for the first time in my life and was there for 12 days.  It was scary at first, but as it was with you, it was an enlighting experience and I learned a lot.  It sounds like you did too and I am so glad that you were able to do this for yourself.  It's another step to help yourself in your recovery and to be able to live a stable life.
 
I sincerely hope that you are able to concentrate on yourself and your needs in getting better.  You certainly deserve it - make sure to reach to those who care about you and make some time to be with them.  Those healthy relationships will be the best thing for you.
 
Keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
 
Wen
Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, and Social Anxiety
 
Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lexapro, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER
 

A slip of the foot you may soon recover,

but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.

Benjamin Franklin

 


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/19/2007 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem, I am glad you took good care of you (scary though it was). However, I must be honest and say that I will be VERY surprised if they dx you as BP. You are in the throws of a very painful time and experiencing an extreme loss. Emotions during this time WILL be all over the place...one minute fine, one minute a mess...etc. That is part of grieving. I am glad that the medication, therapy and game plan you are setting for your self is helping to create structure for you. It will help you through this. I am glad to know you are alright. Stay focused on YOU. Michael needs the b-lls to take care of him self (like you did) or he becomes toxic to you on both a spiritual and physical level. Please, let go of what is unhealthy so you may heal and move forward to the bright, successful and happy future that awaits you. HUGS Casem....LFW

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
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   Posted 10/20/2007 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Very true LFW.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 10/23/2007 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Casem,

How are you doing? We haven't heard from you in a while and I was concerned how you were doing. If you have time and feel up to it, can you jot down a few lines? Really hoping for the best for you.


~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 10/24/2007 10:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem...just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and hoping that things are going well. LFW

loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/26/2007 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem, it has been over a week since you touched base...are you alright? I know I am getting a bit concerned. Please let us know how you are doing...LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/28/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I am doing well. I am taking my time and going slow trying to focus on my daily schedule. I am so produ of myself because I havent had a diet coke in two weeks! I used to have atleast 3 or 4 every day! I haven't had pizza or donuts, either. I hadn't shared a lot with you guys about my eating disorder, but it pretty much ruled my life. I have been doing great. The schedule is saving my life. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner at (pretty much) the same time....protein, carbs, veggies, fruit..and lots and lots of water. I have been staying away from all of my allergens and I feel great. I have been walking with the dog and taking all of the meds. I still am not sleeping all the way through the night..and I am patiently waiting for the sleep study to be scheduled. The provigil helps with my energy during the day....but my anxiety has been pretty high.
 
I met with my new therapist and it was a good appt. I couldn't get in with the pdoc. until Nov. 5th, but the therapst really wants me to see this spec. pdoc b/c she thinks we would have a great relationship, given my issues. There were others I could see earlier, but it would be worth the wait. I go back to work on Monday....we shall see if I can maintain the schedule as well also going to work.
 
I am packing up some things and trying to figure out what I am going to do about my living situation. It depends on what my mom and sister are doing.....
 
Another thing I haven't told you much about is my stepdad, out of respect for my mom. But she is ok with it now because we are both hurting so much, and I have convinced her to participate in the forum......he is diagnosed BP and has been manic for years. He is in complete denial and likes how he is...he doesn't see a problem. He had a great job for 20 yrs. and lost it....didn't tell my mom, continued spending like they had money. Spent their life savings, 401k, my sisters college $...all on vacations, clothes, things to impress people...things we didn't need.....my mom was devestated. He is arrogant and pretentious. He says she just wants him to be sick because she is (she has diabetes). He has OCD, he works out for hours a day, he fills the house with unecessary crap collections...books, CD's, pictures, furniture. Bottom line....its not getting better and my mom is considering a divorce. They have been together since I was 11. I might be living with my mom and my 15 yr old sister soon. There is so much more to tell, I just don't have the energy right now.
 
My mom is an extremely strong person and as soon as she realized she there was no $$$, she started her own business. I have been working with her, and it is a great concept to help those with diabetes. We are working very hard, and we are both very hopeful....but it takes a lot of work.
 
Is there ever any calm in life? Or are there only tiny moments of calm in a constant sea of chaos?
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/28/2007 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   

For what it's worth....

Michael started a partial hospitalization program at Laurelwood on Thursday and is currently taking 300 mg Seroquel and his effexor was reduced to 75 mg. It is a daily program from 9:30 am - 3:00 pm every day for a few weeks.

I am trying very hard to maintain my boundaries, it is so hard.

Please keep us both in your thoughts.

Thanks

 


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


Scared_Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 10/28/2007 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem,

I believe you and I Mirror each others lives..... I have had it Rough the last year as well... But reading your posts always give me the feeling that I m not alone....

My Dad has a d&A issue and My parents are having issues over his recent binge drinking.. and although not split up.. they are near it.....

I have been fighting my own eating issues( Not really a disorder.... I just do it too often) and am getting back on track....

I have felt that bottomless pit you explained when going to the ER... And beleive me if it wasn't for my two little boys I would have joined you as I felt myself falling into my own deep dark hole....


Things are better for me these days... I am simply moving on.... I haven't given up on my Husband.. I just am trying not to let his moods control me and my plans... and my boys.... we have had a great weekend without him... went to a few halloween parties, carved pumkins and I do believe i even laughed... alot....

Everyday gets better, everyday I climb a little further from the bottom and believe me you are a part of the reason I believe I can do this....

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/29/2007 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome back Casem,
 
Gosh we all were so worried about you! I am glad that you are feeling better. Staying focused, taking things slow and staying on a daily schedule is so important right now. So glad to hear your new diet is working out so well for you and you have been feeling good about it.
 
I understand about feeling exhausted just thinking about things let alone trying to write about it. But just from what you've shared with us, we can now see you have been dealing with so much more than we knew.
 
You have a lot of issues to deal with right now and I am sorry about that. Wow, your  mom too has been going through quite a lot of similar issues as you and I know seeing all of this with your step father and mom makes it even more harder for you to focus on yourself. You both have men in your lives that need to get their bipolar under control.
 
Maybe moving in with you mom would be good support for each other right now. Money is tight...you could both help each other out there. Both of you need to stay strong and have the men in your lives get their act together by being responsible for themselves. That is key....They first need to deal with themselves before any progress can be made for a future with both of you. You both can draw from each other's strenghth.
 
But then again, I am worried about you both living together because you both have your own separate issues and you both need to deal with them on your own terms too. I don't know if one will get in the way of the other's progress, depending on how you are both dealing with things. I would give it some serious thought first. I am sure others will come here and give you their opinions on that too. So don't rush yet. I know you said you're trying to stay focused on your boundaries with Michael, but now you have new boundaries to consider too.
 
I am glad for Michael too that he is finally in a day program for his bipolar and back on meds. Remember it is walking the walk, not just talking the talk that matters. Take things very slowly. Even though he is making some wonderful choices right now, it is still a long walk and huge committment to stay on that path. And he first has to want to do it for himself.
 
FYI - I have been through a hospital day program too. Two times in fact with a year apart! So....like I said...it takes a while and it is not easy! I am a lot better today, but I was just hospitalized in January too,  plus last summer I was admitted for being addicted to self medicating myself. It takes a while for some of us to finally get it. I still have issues. So really be patient before you think things are really okay. Michael has more issues than just being bipolar too. So I just want you to keep remembering that.
 
Well Casem, I glad you posted again. I wish you nothing but goodness. I'm sure we all want to continue supporting you.  You're doing great so far in taking care of yourself. I know you want to help mom too but this is her and your step father's walk that needs to be kept separate from yours. (Boundaries) Your main focus needs to be on your wellness right now. Of coarse you want to help mom, sis and step dad out, but that is a lot to carry for one person. Maybe you should hold off your living situation arrangement until you get some therapy under you belt. It is a HUGE decision.
 
Sincerely,
 
 


~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin

Post Edited (sukay) : 10/29/2007 7:39:23 AM (GMT-6)


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/29/2007 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Sukay! Your words are so helpful...that is just what i need right now.....
 
And you are absolutely right. I think I was panicing a bit for myself and my mom, and when I think about it, I know that would not be a good idea. I moved out right after college for a reason! We do have our own journeys and she is a strong person. I think I just feel so alone right now, I am looking for any reason to not be by myself. I think that is why I am having so much trouble making a clean break from Michael. I have been by myself many times, for long periods of time in between boyfriends, since I was 15 yrs. old and I am tired of being alone. I want a family of my own. I want to be a wife and a mother and be in a loving, supportive relationship. I am tired of starting over and it never working out.
 
I am still feeling to weepy and I am filled with anxiety this morning. It is my first day back at work, after being out for two weeks, and I feel like an outcast. I know it is in my head, but I feel like everyone is sick of my drama. I was out of work for a month when my grandparents died in April....and here I am again, taking two weeks off of work. Ofcourse, I don't share the details with anyone, they just think I am a crazy person.
 
My pdoc. appt. isn't until Monday. I am worrying about where I am going to live when my lease expires in Feb., I am mad that I don't have someone in my life to "take care of me"....to make sure everything is going to be ok. I am mad that Michael doesn't have his s**t together and that I am letting him cause me anxiety.
 
I am proud of myself for my great eating and exercising, but I am tired of being alone.
 
Did I tell you what set me off this weekend? On Friday, my dad (my real dad - who has caused me severe abandonement issues, etc.) committed to meeting me and my mom to visit my grandma at her assisted living center to visit her because the center was having a bake sale. I invited him and he agreed with excitement. She isn't even his mother, but he always loved my mom's mom, and because his mom passed recently, I knew he would enjoy spending time with her. Mind you, my parents have basically hated eachother until recently and I was so excited to have us all in the same room.....I needed the love and therapy. At the last minute, he cancelled. Something came up with work, he couldn't help it, work called. THAT WAS THE "ACCEPTABLE" REASON HE USED MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD when he cancelled plans with me repeatedly. Since then, I have been a nervous wreck, crying, anxious....picking fights with my mom, anyone that would listen. Imagine Michael and I trying to have a conversation in our states, med changes, mood swings.....WORLD WAR 3 all weekend.
 
He asked if we could carpool to Laurelwood since it is near my work, to save on gas. I said no. The hours weren't the same as my work hours, and I couldn't handle the stress.....Aren't you proud of my boundaries??? I sure am!!!
 
I could really use any uplifting, motivational words right now to calm my anxiety and get me through this week until my pdoc appt.
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/29/2007 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem,

Yes, you are on the right path, and YES, you are dealing with some big issues. Your FEARS about them are going to be bigger than the reality. You want advice...so here goes....

No, living with mom is not a great idea. Seeing her by day and going into business with her is fine, but live separate; in the same town...lovely...but separate.

Regarding Michael...you don't need the drama, and you have just admitted that part of the reason you don't/can't let go is the not wanting to have to "start over again" and the "be alone" issue. You want “someone to take care of you”...I get that. But here is the thing...those are TOTALLY the wrong reasons to be with ANYONE. Michael has a HUGE amount of work to do on himself. Will he one day be the man of your dreams??? Who knows? But if so, that day is FAR off and any time you spend now...is a waste for you and nothing but a distraction - because who either of you will be after the work you both are doing on yourselves may no longer be compatible. But what we DO know about today is, he is not and that is just holding you down.

Not wanting to be alone, as you put it...my dear...you are NEVER alone...you have YOU 24/7 if you would learn how to be your own best friend first and foremost. I know that sounds SO cliché', but it is very true. If you start with learning how to trust yourself, care for yourself, rely on yourself, enjoy your own company...etc, then that feeling of "aloneness" diminishes. Additionally, then you will really be ready to be a partner with someone and not need them to "fill you up" inside. You will already be full. That's when you know you are equal and stable and in a true partnership. Because you want to be with them for the right reasons...not out of filling up a void that is existing inside of you (which is the wrong reason to be with ANYONE...and a clue as to why it hasn't worked out with others thus far....). The key is to stand still long enough that you can catch up to yourself and stop running away. Then you can turn and really face yourself and you will see the "pain" you fear, the "issues/voids/problems" are not as scary as you think, they are not as big or insurmountable as you think, and then the real transformational work begins. At the point that you really begin to trust and like yourself...you will meet the right person to support that because you will be healthy enough to welcome them into your life. And believe it or not...they will be equally healthy and you will have a shot at an amazing life you right now are only dreaming about. Does this make sense to you? The fact is, there is REAL power and joy in knowing you can BE OKAY and HAPPY on your own.

Now…the daddy issues…here is my suggestion….write him a letter expressing how the “little girl” Casem has always been saddened and hurt by his continual demonstration of how low you are on his priority list, how your needs as a child were never met by him and the reasons why…for you. Tell him that the adult “Casem” is now taking over, and while you would like a healthy relationship with your father, it will have to be a responsible one, or you will wish him well in life but will not welcome him back into having a presence in your life. You tell him what you need and ask that he be that for you. As a child you didn’t have words to share these things…but you do now. You can say, “when you make plans with me, you keep them…no excuses or we will no longer ever make plans.” ETC. I did this at 23 with mine…it was transformational. I told him that it was okay either way he chose (to be present or not), that I would acknowledge that he was my father and I loved him and he was out in the world living his life, but it didn’t work for us to see each other as it did not give me what I needed and therefore I would no longer put up with it. I got that he loved me, but to the level that he was capable of showing me or behaving, was below the level that I was willing to accept any longer. And by standing up and saying that to him in a letter…it changed me and how needy I was. Because I got I COULD NOW RELY ON ME TO LOOK OUT FOR ME…I didn’t need to wait for a “daddy” figure to do it any longer. I did get a response from him back…it was a scathing letter of “how dare you…I am the father…blah blah blah”. But here is the thing…he responded. He never really had before, and what I got was it was time to wish him well in life and move on. So I did. I didn’t see him for 17 years before he passed away, and I always knew he was there, loving me as best he was capable of, and knowing it was simply not enough. I went to the funeral, I wrote a special letter that is with him now to say my special goodbyes and I feel complete as to the daddy issues and have since the time I got the scathing response. Because I “GOT IT”. His time to have done his job was over. He hadn’t done it when I needed it growing up, he didn’t want to do it when I asked for what I needed lovingly and clearly as an adult, so I no longer needed to see this as my failure…but instead as his own limitation and loss. I would be fine because I could now fulfill what I needed. I was now able take care of me and fulfill what I had waited and wanted him to do. Casem…the thing is this…you are a grownup now, the little girl within does not have to run the show anymore unless you let her. That doesn’t mean ignore her inside, but now YOU can help heal her and fulfill her needs. Does that make sense?

There’s my two cents. My HUGS to you…LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/29/2007 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi LFW,

Thanks for caring so much to share your story about your father. I am sorry he couldn't be the father you needed, but I am proud of you for recognizing his shortcomings and not blaming yourself. I just can't get there yet. I wrote my dad a letter about 4 yrs. ago saying all of those things, including the pain he caused me by continuing to allow my stepmother to be so cruel to me. The reaction was similar...how dare you....i did the best I could....your mother made it so difficult, your stepmother is wonderful, blah, blah, blah. At that time, I would ONLY EVER see them if I went to their house and endured my stepmother's emotional and verbal abuse, so I told him that I would love a relationship with he and my sisters but he would need to make the effort. We didn't talk for quite awhile and I was reminded of how "unchristian" I was by my father, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic. Anyway, a few holidays came and went and we gradually started talking again for the sake of my sisters and my grandparents. Here we are...my grandparents are dead, my sisters are older, and I still only see my father if I go to his house and deal with the b***h. That is why I was so excited about Friday. He actually agreed to see my - away from her and with my mom and my grandma.

My last therapist wanted me to also write a letter to my stepmom, or sit down with her, and that is why I stopped seeing him about 3 years ago. He was the best therapist I had, but I just didn't want to do that work. I don't even know where to start with my stepmom, but I truly have NO FEELINGS for this woman. I don't care about her...I have nothing but apathy for her. She is cruel and heartless. I don't care to have a relationship with her. She isn't worthy of my kindness and attention. My dad has said on several occasions that he made a mistake by marrying her, and that he made a mistake by divorcing my mom, but he would never divorce her because 1) he doesn't want to do to my sisters what he did to me, and 2) he doesn't want to lose half of his money.

I am typically a very strong person, but I just feel so neglected lately. I find myself saying the same things to Michael and my mom.....I just want some peace and calm and some love. I find myself telling Michael that I want someone to pick me first. I want to be first in someone's life for a change, because I feel like I have never been first in someone's life.

You are right..my inner child is taking over and my adult, strong, independent woman who bought her own home in 2002 and has a succesfull career is drowning. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.


 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter

Post Edited (Casem) : 10/30/2007 8:57:01 AM (GMT-6)


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 10/29/2007 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem,
 
I just read through your posts here, and you have been through a lot.  I am glad you went to the hospital and took control over what you were going through.  Good for you!  I hope things are continuing to get better for you.  It sounds like you are doing such a great job!
 
I was in a bp support group last year at my hospital and it was so helpful to me.  Just learning the importance of structure in our lives; taking things slowly; setting goals; rewarding ourselves...all the great things that add up and really do help.
 
You should be very very proud of yourself, and I am glad you are taking such great care of yourself.  It's great that you have such excellent professional support as well.
 
Keep us posted :-)
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/29/2007 10:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem:

I'm so relieved to hear you're doing (more or less) okay. I forget -- did you say your father or mother had drug or alcohol problems. Your parental issues -- especially with your dad -- they could be letter perfect to mine. I mean, perfect. But I think that's not so unusual among children of alcoholics.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 10/30/2007 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafena,
My father is a child of an alcoholic. His mother, my grandmother, who passed away last year, was a raging alcoholic who never sought treatment and was in denial every day of her life. When she was sober, she was loving and interesting and funny. When she was drunk, she was nasty and evil and hateful. He had a complicated, terrible relationship with her that will haunt him for the rest of his life. He was angry with her and will probably never forgive her for the life he had. Three of his brothers are alcoholics, only one is currently sober (the one who missed his mother's death because he was in jail for a DUI). His father, my grandfather, was his best friend and he also passed away last year. He was a doctor, and a saint. The kindest, gentlest, most honorable man I ever knew, but also an enabler.

On a ligher note, I am doing much better today. I feel much stronger. I am a bit angry that I am letting so many other people and things bring me down, so I am giving myself a little kick in the pants. I have a little less anxiety, and I am defintely less weepy. I am feeling very motivated and hopeful today.

Thanks to everyone for your shoulders to lean on, your open hearts and your kind words!
 
Casem
New Bipolar Supporter


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/30/2007 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
It's breathtaking all the ways our pains intertwine inside of ourselves, yet are so similar to other people. I too am so glad we have one another. It's just not that easy to talk about these things with just anyone. Thank you too.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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