It's good to have you back. I am glad your hospital stay was pleasant and you gained clarity and perspective in the process. We missed here on the board. Big (((Hug)))
Hello Everyone! I apologize for the length right up front, but I have a lot to tell you! This is Post #1…
Sunday night felt like a black hole that I couldn’t get out of. I couldn’t stop crying and crying. I called Laurelwood myself to get information about their program and for the first time in my life I answered “yes” when someone asked “do you think you might hurt yourself?”. My mom met me there and after a couple hours of crying and pacing and answering a lot of questions….we (the admitting nurse, my mom and I )all agreed it was the best thing that I spend some time there to sort some things out. Laurelwood Hospital is a large behavioral health/mental hospital in willoughby, oh. It is a 200 + facility with units for dual diagnosis, adolescents, violent mental health, and despression/anxiety/BP that has a great reputation in our area.
It was the scariest thing I have ever done. Once I was admitted to the depression/anxiety/BP unit, I felt hopeless and alone. I was shaking and crying and I sat in a corner in a hospital gown waiting for the staff shift change before anyone helped me. It was around midnight and dark and every one else was sleeping. I was so close to running out the door. I finally got to my room and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I met with my case manager who basically made sure I had all of the right appts. with all the right people….i met with a pdoc., gen. doc., and nutritionist all before noon. The pdoc was fantastic. He treated me with such respect and care. He listened and listened. He had so much information about me all ready b.c they all shared information!! I was so impressed with their communication. Anyway….he was concerned about the fatigue I talked about (I could sleep all day every day if you let me) and my slight mood swings….. even since I had been there…..from weepy to perky to isolated. He was concerned that I had been on effexor and xanax since April from my gen. doc. without positive results, and really, things have gotten worse. He suggested we try topamax for that night to see how I do and check in on me in the morning. The more I talked about my sleep habits….he hit the nail on the head about my sleep apnea. Right then and there he called the Cleveland Clinic and got me into a sleep study program. In the meantime, he wanted me to take provigil in the morning for energy.
I was amazed at how helpful it was to sit with other people that were hurting and struggling to live their daily life. The simplicity of it was so calming and therapuetic. I bonded with people I would normally never come across in my life, let alone cry with. We laughed and we yelled at eachother. I fell in love with the schedule and I promise myself I will keep to it….as it has done wonders for me. The schedule of waking, eating, meds, working, exercise, therapy, free time, etc. keeps you focused. It was the healthiest three days I have had since child hood!! The freedom of limited choices was amazing for me!! I have learned so much about myself and other people. I encourage anyone who is hurting so much so that they can’t help themselves anymore…. to just reach out to the experts for help in healing.
Are you bored yet? More to come……
Post #2 - We had art therapy classes and gym classes. We watched the Indians STOMP the Red Socks! Both my mom and my dad came to visit. My mom met with the pdoc to review the plan and she spoke with him several times. To be honest with you…..I think, because of the topamax and the fact that he kept saying he wanted to “get my mood stable”, he his hinting at a BP diagnosis for me, but didn’t want to say that because of the Michael thing. He said he isn’t a big fan of labels and yesterday, when describing my diagnosis to me and mom, he actually said “I like to think of that Paul Newman western movie when he shoots that things and says ‘I don’t know what it was, but whatever it was, it’s dead now.’” He is going to defer to the pdoc I see next week. Unfortunately, the pdoc at Laurelwood doesn’t do private practice. I even tried to fix him up with my mom, that’s how much I liked him.
I missed you guys a lot. I thought of you often. I thought “I am sure my last post worried the heck out of them. …..I am missing their great advice….I probably wouldn’t need to be here if I could just read their responses…..they would get a kick out of this guy over here”. I heard your voices in the stories of others. There were so many caring, loving people there……teachers, mothers, overwhelmed new fathers, college students, 20 + recovered alcoholics struggling with a change in bp meds….. I was only there for (3) days but I learned so much from others….just like I do from you. The group that I was in was so loving and helpful. This group of total strangers. We all suffer from emotional/mental pain, the source of pain may be different, and our method of coping is certainly different, but we all suffer from emotional/mental pain. Our cultural, social and economic backgrounds are different…but WE ALL suffer. There are so many insignificant things in our daily lives that we spend so much time worrying about.
Bottom line…..I left with a great action plan. I have an appt. with a new therapist/pdoc. next Wed. near my work. My sleep study is scheduled at the end of Oct. I have a great nutritional plan that is easy to follow. I am stable on the topamax and provigil and totally off the effexor and xanax. I picked up Spot (my dog) this morning and still feel great today.
Yes…I ackowledge that I have not yet talked about Michael and it’s b/c I really don’t want to yet. I do, however, reserve the right to do so at a future point in time….is that ok? I love him, he needs to seek help, that’s all there is to it right now. All I want to do is focus on me.
Thank you all so much for your care and concern. I now will spend the night reading posts and catching up on every one else’s lives!
A slip of the foot you may soon recover,
but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
How are you doing? We haven't heard from you in a while and I was concerned how you were doing. If you have time and feel up to it, can you jot down a few lines? Really hoping for the best for you.
For what it's worth....
Michael started a partial hospitalization program at Laurelwood on Thursday and is currently taking 300 mg Seroquel and his effexor was reduced to 75 mg. It is a daily program from 9:30 am - 3:00 pm every day for a few weeks.
I am trying very hard to maintain my boundaries, it is so hard.
Please keep us both in your thoughts.
Post Edited (sukay) : 10/29/2007 7:39:23 AM (GMT-6)
Thanks for caring so much to share your story about your father. I am sorry he couldn't be the father you needed, but I am proud of you for recognizing his shortcomings and not blaming yourself. I just can't get there yet. I wrote my dad a letter about 4 yrs. ago saying all of those things, including the pain he caused me by continuing to allow my stepmother to be so cruel to me. The reaction was similar...how dare you....i did the best I could....your mother made it so difficult, your stepmother is wonderful, blah, blah, blah. At that time, I would ONLY EVER see them if I went to their house and endured my stepmother's emotional and verbal abuse, so I told him that I would love a relationship with he and my sisters but he would need to make the effort. We didn't talk for quite awhile and I was reminded of how "unchristian" I was by my father, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic. Anyway, a few holidays came and went and we gradually started talking again for the sake of my sisters and my grandparents. Here we are...my grandparents are dead, my sisters are older, and I still only see my father if I go to his house and deal with the b***h. That is why I was so excited about Friday. He actually agreed to see my - away from her and with my mom and my grandma.
My last therapist wanted me to also write a letter to my stepmom, or sit down with her, and that is why I stopped seeing him about 3 years ago. He was the best therapist I had, but I just didn't want to do that work. I don't even know where to start with my stepmom, but I truly have NO FEELINGS for this woman. I don't care about her...I have nothing but apathy for her. She is cruel and heartless. I don't care to have a relationship with her. She isn't worthy of my kindness and attention. My dad has said on several occasions that he made a mistake by marrying her, and that he made a mistake by divorcing my mom, but he would never divorce her because 1) he doesn't want to do to my sisters what he did to me, and 2) he doesn't want to lose half of his money.
I am typically a very strong person, but I just feel so neglected lately. I find myself saying the same things to Michael and my mom.....I just want some peace and calm and some love. I find myself telling Michael that I want someone to pick me first. I want to be first in someone's life for a change, because I feel like I have never been first in someone's life.
You are right..my inner child is taking over and my adult, strong, independent woman who bought her own home in 2002 and has a succesfull career is drowning. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
Post Edited (Casem) : 10/30/2007 8:57:01 AM (GMT-6)