Dreams as flashbacks

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Blessing Waters
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 11/2/2007 11:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm feeling wounded but also numbed out by a dream i had the other morning. It was one of the worst I've ever had because in the dream, my daughter had been gang raped. I dream about her a lot and every time, no mattert how old she is in the drream, I am so angry with her, raging at her and I couldn't understand why that was so. Sure, I get really upsetr with her sometimes, but the rage just doesn't make sense. But it'sd a dream and I know that the rage means something, but not really that I feel it toward my daughter. i know she represents someone or something that should be raged at. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and i have dissociative Identity Disorder, so there is a lot of trauma in my past that I have amnesia for. I realized that in this dream, it wasn't my daughter who was raped, but me. And that probably means that all the rage I've directed at her for a few years now, in many dreams, I've really been raging at myself, just for being a vicitm. Still, seeing my daughter's image, violated horribly, I'm having a hared time getting the image out of my mind and I have to keep telling myself, "It's not _________, it's not ______________." I also don't know what to do with this realization. I've known for a while that it happened because I abreacted (re-lived) it in therapy as part of may memories of ritual abuse. My distress seems to be coming out in alters attacking me, subtly, but dangerously, like messing with me taking my medication. I'm already screwed up becuase my antidepressant, Nardil, isn't working very well and I don't know what is going to happen. plus, I currently have no psychiatrist and my family doc is searching for one for me, but because of my diagnosis, one simply didn't respond to the referral and another outright refused to take me as a patient. So i wait, who knows how long, for appropriate care, suffering from major deprerssion witrh alters acting out their rage at me. I'm scared and it could be months before I even see a psychiatrist. I've been cutting on and off and while I'm great at acting as if I'm just fine, as I did tonight with my daughter and her husband, the reality is as times goes on, I feel closer and closer to giving up, dying.
I have to take back everything I said in my last posting about helping anyone out there with questions. I'm not sure who i was when i posted that, but i feel very embarrased to read it now. No matter what I think I know, and I do teach seminars on childhood sexual abuse and dissociaitve Identity Disorder, it's not okay to put myself out there like some kind of expert with all your answers. Yes, I have lots of book knowledge and my own experience, which is unlikely to be much like anyone else's, but It's not okay for me to be your source of information. If you have specific questions you want to ask me, I'll give you some kind of answer from my own experience, but mostly, I'll give you my compassion and support and never give you advice except to seek medical or therapeutic care, preferably, both. I'm sorry if I made anyone angry, uncomfortable or indignant for acting the know-it-all jerk. I really do know better and I most often have much better boundaries. Please forgive me. Blessing

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/4/2007 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   
BW, I am sorry for all your struggles and truly hope you find the compassion here that you seek. I also hope that you find the professional help you are looking for with the right pdoc. It sounds as if you have certainly been through a lot in life and you are deserving of a break. I hope all your alters are listening and decide somehow to stop hurting each other and punishing the wrong people. Namely you. Each of you has been a victim and deserve to find happiness, peace and integration so you can be whole. I hope the professionals you find are able to help you get there and that it doesn't take months to find them as you fear. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/4/2007 3:02 AM (GMT -7)   
blessingwaters:

You are in a very vulnerable place right now, and perhaps that anger is directed towards that vulnerability. I subscribe to the belief also that most dreams are really about ourselves, and so I believe you are right in seeing your daughter as a symbol of your younger, more vulnerable self. I see the anger about the sexual assault in your dream, but I also see you being multiply attacked, from all directions. From yourself, from your doctors, from people... only you know all ...

As to the rest, I believe we do all carry a knowledge base that is or isn't based in book knowledge and I don't think it's over stepping any boundaries to offer to share your experiences with others. I believe that's generous.

Sending you an influx of self-confidence,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Blessing Waters
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 11/5/2007 11:50 PM (GMT -7)   
It is such a gift to hear all the words of encouragement, empathy and support, especially right now. I have two really close friends who are the people I depend on for what you, loving frustrated wife and you, Serafina, have offered me in your posts. Very sadly, my best friend, my soul sister who also has Dissociative Identity Disorder, is waiting to miscarry her baby, which they determined through ultrasound died about two weeks ago. If it doesn't happen naturally within a couple of days, she must have a D & C. I can't even imagine her pain. And right now, she doesn 't want to talk to anyone. She has sent me a couple of brief e-mails to let me know the latest news. It's hard for me to stop thinking about her. They have a little girl who is two and because my friend is estranged from her parents (abusers)and because we are so close, I am her daughter's Nana. The little one that has died is also my grandchild. While my deepest feelings are for my friend, I hurt, too. My other friend has been 'underground' for a couple of weeks and last time I saw her, things weren't good. She suffers from depression but can't find meds that work and I'm pretty certain that she's bi-polar. It has been suggested, but her last psychiatrist moved before that diagnosis was consolidated, so she may be on the completely wrong meds and if that's true, her new pdoc may take awhile to diagnose it. I haven't seen her manic in quite awhile. I finally e-mailed her today, to try to find out what's going on for her and she said it wasn't good. Apparently, her 16 year old son is needing a psych assessment now, and her job is particularly demanding right now, long hours and how she works at all, I don't know. So, I'm worried about both my dear friends and they are foremost in my mind, but I'll be honest when I say that I'm feeling pretty alone. When my friend told me about the baby, she insisted that I find someone to talk to about my feelings - she's 20 years younger than I am but is very protective - she suggested my daughter, but that wasn't helpful because my daughters, nor my mother, are very good at empathy. When I told them, eventually, not one of them said much and they sure didn't make any connection to how I might feel, knowing that I am my friend's daughter's Nana, as much so as my two biological grandsons. I feel angry and mistrustful of everyone right now. I know that isn't reasonable, especially when I feel that way even about my doctor who is trying so hard to help me find a pdoc and my psychologist who is awesome, but is not so tolerant of my 'victim' behaviours and feelings. I cancelled seeing my doctor last week and I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm really wanting to cancel, too. It's not him, but the pdoc thing is just so scary. There's a whole long saga about what happened with my former pdoc of 7 years that I just won't go into, and there have been some repersussions that leave me wondering if she hasn't sabotaged my reputation to that of being a 'difficult patient.' That sounds crazy, but what she did just before I left her practice was even scarier, crazier. The next pdoc would not be alone in the room with me on the two ocaasions that I saw him and grilled me about why I left my last pdoc. He was aware that I had made enquiry about filing a formal complaint against her, but he seemed to think I had actually made a complaint; all I did was make an enquiry and the College really wants me to make a complaint. I don't know how he knew that. It had to have been in the referral from my family doc, but I don't know why he would say that much. I'll just have to ask him. There, now I have a really good reason to go to the appointment tomorrow. My relationship with him is excellent, but feel sorry for him having to deal with all my crap. I've said enough. I really do use talking and writing to work things through, especially when my brain is a runaway train - got to put it somewhere, and right now, options are very limited. Again, bless all of you for caring enough to respond and please know that while I am deeply in my pain and adversity, I do care also about you and yours. The only thing I find helps me cope with the horrors of those who hurt and tortured me, is to reverse it by doing the little things I can that show kindness. Being intentional about it makes it even more helpful, because I can tell myself that I am not like the cowards who abused me and tried to hide their shame in me. I still feel hatred and rage, but it isn't how I define myself. One last thing, I collect little quotes that catch my attention. This is one of my very favourites, brief, but it packs a lot of meaning - BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED! Best of care, Blessing
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