Really, really need to talk

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Kelly Garrett
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/3/2007 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello!  I haven't used this forum all that often but I find that I need to talk to somebody.  I just found out recently that my husband is being deployed to Iraq, again, next year.  This will be his second time going and he is in the National Guard, not active duty.  I have 2 young kids, not even in school yet.  Luckily, I am in a lot better space than I was in when he was shipped the first time but I find that I am having a hard time coping.  What am I going to do?  How are my kids going to deal with this for the second time.  My daughter is 5 now and will be almost 6 when he leaves.  She is such a daddy's girl.  This is going to be so hard on her.  How do you tell your daughter that daddy won't be home for that long?  I know how to tell her.  I just don't want to.  I know I'm not the only person having to do this so I feel like I should just pull myself together.  I don't really want to talk to anybody in his family or my family because they don't really understand, especially not the depression and anxiety issues that most of us here deal with.  Somebody in this forum said that they had a good life so they felt guilty not being happy.  That's the way I feel.  I always feel guilty about something and that just depresses me.  It's a visious cycle.  I know this message is a little all over the place but that is how I'm feeling right now.  So, if anybody were to respond, I would appreciate it.  Thanks.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/3/2007 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   
KG, Please let me say that while I am not a woman in your situation, as none of my family is in the military; my heart goes out to you, your husband and your kids. It seems PERFECTLY reasonable for you to be upset. While I support our men and women who are bravely a part of our military, I believe many are deployed that should not have been sent, such as the "none active duty" National Guard members. They should be kept here at home to help in our own country when needed for border protection, catastrophe help and keeping order (think moments like the Rodney King incident situation with the riots in L.A.), etc. And frankly, I think that we should have a better control on what is happening and had a better exit plan to bring everyone home by now. Plus, once someone has served a tour of duty, I think they should be done with being there unless THEY volunteer to go back. But...I won't get into my political views. The fact is, you have EVERY right to be upset, and I do not think anyone should deny you that.

As a mommy, with kids around the same age as yours, while it will be hard, kids ARE resilient. They will take their queue from you as to how upset, scared, worried, sad...etc. they should be. The “get it together part” that you mentioned should be definitely around them at all times. Keep your upset, fear, anger, worry...for your private moments. Plus, it seems to me that you will have PLENTY of time to deal with that AFTER he leaves again; So DON"T waste any time now on it. Enjoy and relish and honor your husband with the best ??? months of his life with laughter, love, passion, family and joy. Those are the memories you can build that he can take with him to keep him until you are together again when he comes home SAFE and SOUND...WHICH HE WILL.

As to the depression that sets in, be pro active like you did today by coming here and writing us, join a military spouse support group where it is a safe and accepted place to rage if you need to, see your doctor and take a mild anti-depressant medication if you know you will need it if you did before. There is NO shame in this, perfectly understandable in MY EYES!!!! Now, grant you, we are on the Bipolar sight, and perhaps you meant to be on the depression one. But I know that we all are caring people. My point to you is this, continue to reach out. Don't hide your feelings, be honest with them, but choose your moments to express them which will not taint your time with your husband, or put wedges into family relationships, that whether said or not, during times like this can run at a high octane level all around, and work to not be counter productive in how your want to raise your kids, or how this will or won't affect them. I know what you are facing is hard, and I can only share from my heart that in spirit, you are not alone. I hear your rightful upset. You have some hard months ahead. Face them with equal courage as your husband whenever possible. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Come vent WHENEVER you need. We are here. We are GOOD listeners. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/3/2007 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Kelly:

Welcome to the forum. I hope we can offer you some community and comfort and someone to talk to. That's what we do here.

LFW's advice seems to right on to me (as is often the case.) I can't even imagine how hard it must be on all of you. I also don't have any family members on active duty right now, and I wouldn't want to lose my husband for so long either. Have faith in your family, your own strength (you've done this once before,you can do it again) and your children will adapt, as LFW said. Also, you can find ways to make him stay a part of their lives: maybe a weekly letter or e-mail they write to him. Or something more creative: pictures they take -- a scrapbook of "back home" or something. I'm not being very articulate here. I just mean, he doesn't have to leave their thoughts. He can be far away and still be a daily part of their lives while he is deployed, even if for now you are doing all the parenting. (For which I also hope you have some help.)

Again,
welcome to the board.

BTW: You don't say anything about bipolar. Are you bipolar?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Kelly Garrett
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/3/2007 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you both for all the support. No, I am not bipolar but I was diagnosed with cyclothmia, which is almost bipolar but generally not as severe. My mood swings are the same but with mine, they tend to come and go at quicker intervals. I used to say that if I was having a good morning, I would have a bad afternoon. I hope you understand. I was diagnosed with it 2 year ago, after my husband had been deployed for 8 months. When I researched what it meant, I finally felt some relief because I had always felt that I had something wrong with me but could never figure out what it was. My ups are really crazy sometimes. The only way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm drunk or on drugs or something, like I'm high. I feel like doing crazy things and I feel sooo sexually charged. That's when I can make really bad decisions that I will regret. Then I get depressed at times, like I don't want to get out of bed. I want to find a hole and hide in it. I used to cut myself when I was a teenager so that I felt physical pain instead of emotional pain. I don't do it know, even though I want to at times, because I know my husband would put me in a hospital. When I'm depressed, I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't think they will understand and because I feel like they are going to think that I'm whining. So, I don't get much done during the day except for what absolutely needs to get done and then I feel guilty because I didn't do much all day. So that depresses me more. I have had suicidal thoughts since as far back as I can remember (which is at least 12 or earlier). My doctor actually told me that he was surprised I had lasted this long without becoming an alcoholic, a druggy or trying to kill myself. He said I must have been in hell for a long time. Anyway, you get the picture.

As for my kids, I know they will be okay. I just feel bad that they have to go through this again. I am holding it together whenever I'm around my kids. When my husband left the 1st time, my son had just been born. My daughter was only 1 and 1/2. So that she would remember her father, I kept a picture of her and her father on her nightstand. She gave the picture a kiss every night before she went to bed. I will do the same kind of stuff when he leaves this time.

I do talk to my husband about this stuff but it's hard to tell him everything, especially about all my emotions of my disease. Just telling him normally helps but he doesn't completely understand.

Anyway, thanks so much for the support. I am really hoping that this forum as well as the army wives forum will help and that I can make a few friends. I like the fact that I can come on at 2am, if needed, and vent. I can't call my sister at 2am crying my eyes out. She works and has 2 kids of her own.

Anyway, thanks again.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/3/2007 11:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep coming back...we're here. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/4/2007 3:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Absolutely. Cyclothemia is just another stop on the BP spectrum, and we're all about that, so settle in. Not that we wouldn't welcome you anyway. I just wanted to make sure you were going to get the help you needed. So you don't have a deployment date yet?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Kelly Garrett
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/4/2007 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   
They are supposed to be leaving sometime in the summer of next year.  He will be back sometime in the summer of the following year.  So, he should be gone a year.
 
So, does anybody else know about those feelings I described?  Do the two of you experience similar feelings and mood swings?
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