In Such A Bad Place

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mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/5/2007 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been so depressed/mixed...and I don't know how much more I can take.  I am starting to doubt that I have any strength or fight left in me.
 
I am really not well.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/5/2007 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,

I know you have given it a valiant effort to go it without medication. But clearly, it has been too difficult a road. Every week you are unhappy, stressing or hurting so deeply. Maybe it is time for a visit to the hospital if you think you have no more strength to fight through this anymore on your own. THERE HAS TO BE SOME MEDICATION THAT WILL STABALIZE YOU. You are suffering needlessly at this point. Have you tried trileptal? Both my H & S are on it, coupled with the antidepressant. They are both doing very well and have been for quite some time - years in fact. They both started low on each med, then step by step raised it until the right dose was found. They of course went one med at at time as well. I think the pdoc started with the antidepressant first, once stable on that med, the trileptal was added a little at a time until the right balance was achieved. Hang in there my dear; just do what you need to in order to take excellent care of yourself. What would you tell someone else to do if they were in your shoes right now? Go and do THAT. Be brave, be loving and gentle with yourself. We are all here for you. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/5/2007 11:37:53 PM (GMT-7)


olivia of course
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 11/5/2007 9:15 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogli,

I'm with LFW here, maybe it is time to consider trying something.  You have been sinking deeper and deeper into the state that you are in.  It's just hard to see you sufferiung so much, but try to stand strong in the mean time.  Remember we are here for you should you need us.



Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder, PTSD, GERD
Meds: Lithium, Tegretol, Buspar, Clonazepam
Support HealingWell:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/5/2007 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,

You poor thing. You are struggling, but you will be okay. Perhaps now would be a good time to try a hospital stay as well. You could take a little break, get back on your feet and get some meds in your system quickly to help you get better. Could you miss a few days of school? Just a little worried about you, is all.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/6/2007 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,
You are so valuable.....reach out to the resources you have! You shouldn't have to hurt this much. I agree with LFW, olivia, serafena....please consider a visit to the hospital to find something that can help stabilize you right now. Take a break, take care of you......YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
 
Casem
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 11/6/2007 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   

Mogli,

I too agre with the others that have already given you their suggestions.  As Casem said, YOU ARE WORTH IT and you must remember that.  There is absolutely no reason that you should live as you are doing, you CAN be happy and ENJOY life.  But you have to make it happen. 

For me, going to the hospital was the best decision I could ever have made; but it was also the hardest thing I did.  I was scared and wondered if this was the right thing to do.  I did this in July, stayed there for 12 days, got on some meds, and although we have has a couple of glitches with the meds (which are bound to happen until you find what's right for you), I am doing better each week.  If you could get on some meds and/or have a hospital stay you will start feeling better - I just know you will.

Think about it long and hard, ultimately it's your decision, but remember that you must take care of yourself so that you can continue on with your life and do the things that you want to do.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing - we will be here to support you no matter what you decide to do.

Take care,

Wen


Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety and PTSD
 
Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Celexa, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER
 

A slip of the foot you may soon recover,

but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.

Benjamin Franklin

 


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/6/2007 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mogs,
 
I'm sorry you are feeling so badly! sad
I also agree with what everbody else has been suggesting to you, especially Wen's advise when she said that ONLY YOU can make it happen. We are all here pulling for you! Continue to talk to us,... we all seem to agree that it is time for you to re-consider your stance on this matter.
 
Wishing you wellness!  (((Hugs)))
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/6/2007 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for your posts, and support.

I know that I have been struggling for quite some time now, and I thank you all for being so patient with me.

Today I called my pdoc, left a msg with his secretary to try and get in to see him asap.  I don't want to go back on meds, but I don't think I have a choice.  I am going to do some research tonight, and I'll hopefully get in to see my pdoc soon.

The reasons I don't go to the hospital are b/c here, they admit you, and then they leave you totally by yourself until you are checked out.  Seriously.  They don't check on you, no one comes to talk to you, nothing.  You are totally alone until you leave.  So it is actually something that would make my condition much worse.  Plus, I really cannot miss any school at all.  But I understand why all of you suggested this idea to me.  Definitely if it were a helpful place, I would go for sure.

I also called CMHA today b/c I was supposed to hear back from them/my support person, but I have not yet.  So I am waiting for them to call me back as well.

Other than that, my bf has completely been taking care of me.  This past weekend, he really made me laugh, kept me surviving.  He has been so, so supportive.  I'm actually finding that I am doing much worse when he is not here.  He has been doing everything he can to help me get through this.

At the same time, yesterday and today have been so bad, that I feel like I can't even fight my symptoms at all.  I feel like I'm lost, confused, and I am scared b/c...well b/c feeling this badly is scary to me.

Anyway, thank you all again so much.  I need the support from you guys b/c no one else in my life knows exactly what I am dealing with right now. 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/6/2007 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
PS-LFW- I did look up that drug, but there was something I didn't like that I read about it...I just can't remember what that was at the moment.  I will look at it again and talk to my pdoc about it.

Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


Zomese
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 11/6/2007 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogli,

I'm also with the others about taking meds. I know exactly how you feel. Believe me. Do you remember I had the seroquel for several months before I actually took it.

In fact I remember you being one of the people who were very encouraging to me. So now hopefully I can encourage you. Since I started meds as needed I have been stable for over two months. Actually better than stable. I feel normal again. I've only had one bad day. And it was because I was trying to go over a week w/o my medicine.

I believe you said you were going to talk to your pdoc about trileptal? I tried that and did very well on it. It just made me very sensitive to the sun/heat so I had to stop. But it didn't make me feel wierd or anything.

I hope that helps some.


Zomese

28 years old

Bipolar II, Panic Disorder, OCD

Seroquel and Klonopin as needed

-------------------------- 


 
 
 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/6/2007 5:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Zomese,

Since you took Trileptal...What did you find it helped with?  Do you ever have any cycling or depression?  'Cause those are the issues that I need to have dealt with.  My hypomanic states aren't as bad and don't last as long.  It's the depression and cycling/mixed states.

So if you could tell me how it made you feel better, or why your pdoc/doc prescribed that to you, that might help me a lot.

Thanks so much.  I know you know how I am feeling.  And I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are doing so much better.  I will get there...


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 11/6/2007 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs

I am sad to hear you are struggling. If taking some time off school is not an option then you need to take full advantage of the resources that you do have. You are not alone!!...You have your bf, your mom , us, friends close by I am sure....USE US!!!!Get to your doc asap and get some help. It seems clear that you are feeling overwhelmed, and that the pain of that is getting more intense. Check out at your school if they have some type of compasionate leave...I think most schools do. (everyone has issues that put their lives on hold at one time or another)

Though you may not feel like it right now, you are an incredibly strong person....look back on some of the advice you have given to so many on this forum. That is something huge you should be proud of. We all know those days when you wonder if you will make it through and question your own value, but you will see, this day will pass and the sun will come up again tomorrow, and we will make it through.

We send hugs to you...keep in touch.

Dutchie

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/7/2007 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Dutchie, definitely need those hugs...

Ugh, I just woke up, and I am still very, very depressed today.  Ugh, I was so hoping that I was going to feel better today.  My bf was amazing with me again last night.  Seriously, he has been the best through this entire episode, which has been going on for weeks.  I am so relieved about that.  I couldn't handle us fighting on top of feeling this way.  His support is just the most comforting thing to me.  I have never had anyone in my life comfort me the way he is; or anyone be there for me the way he is.  I am blown away.  Even just thinking about it, is comfort.  So I'm going to take those thoughts with me and keep thinking them throughout my day today.  It's the only thing that is making me feel better right now; well that, and HW.

I really hope that I hear back from my pdoc today and from CMHA.  If I don't hear from CMHA, I think I may just go there tomorrow afternoon.

Anyway, I have to get ready for school.  Dutchie, what you said about school was true.  I know lots of girls there who have taken mods off, so I know it can be done.  I don't know how that works out for funding though.  But it's just something I don't want to do b/c I just had a break before I went to school, and I really honestly don't want to take another one.  I am going to try and get things under control so I can stay in school.  I know though, that it is an option.

Thanks again for your hugs, hugs to you & FBF too.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/7/2007 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Poor Mogli:

Hang in there sweetie:

It's gonna get better. It has to. I second all of the above, naturally -- at this stage, you need some meds to pull you back into healthy, and when you're feeling better, maybe you can try going drug-free again.

I had a terrible mixed episode yesterday too, and talked to my therapist. She told me a tip. My pdoc has a long list of patients and also has a hard time calling people back, so she told me to just go to the office and park it until she fit me in. Something about liability required her to see me. (Of course this is in the US.) I went prepared to sit for hours (with a new book) but got there just between patients (lucky!) and she got me right in. So if you've got no response over the phone -- give it a try. Go to the doc or the CMHA and "park it" -- those were her words.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm right there with you and it's sooooo yucky. ((((hugs))))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


dutchie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 11/8/2007 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...just wondering how you are doing? Have you seen your doc yet?

Let us know.
We are thinking of you.
Dutchie

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/8/2007 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Mogs...

It is nice to hear BF has been so supportive, if you get a chance...(and you haven't done this already...), now would be a lovely time to do something nice for him like cook him a special dinner, run him a bath, bake him a cake, give him a foot message...anything like that. And make a point of letting him know you are doing it as a way of letting him know back how much you appreciate all he has been doing for you of late in such a compassionate caring way - that it has meant so much to you. Sometimes just these sweet little jestures with the words and really drive home how you feel, verses just the words on occassion that can sometimes get lost if he wasn't fully paying attention at the time.

LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/8/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys,
 
Well, last night I lost it.  I cried for at least 4 hours, and things were pretty bad.  It just all came out last night, I really broke down. 
 
Here is the disgusting part:
 
Since this episode started last weekend, I started calling my pdoc's office on Monday.  I left 4 messages over the last 4 days, and no one got back to me.  So Serafena, I took your brilliant advice, and I went there in person and I sat in the waiting room.  My pdoc's secretary came out and asked me what's been going on (I felt like saying "did you not listen to any of my messages?!" ) So I told her I made the decision I wanted to go back on Lamictal.  I was on this last year, and not for very long.  I wasn't taking anything else at the time...I cycled a bit, but not sure if we gave the med a chance.  However, it was the only med that didn't have the nasty side effects for me and I want desperately to try it again.  It is a mood stabilizer that also should help with the depression.  That is my biggest reason for wanting to go back on it.  I am having such a hard time with the depression part.  Anyway, she came back out after checking with my pdoc and he said no, b/c I cycled on it.  She said I could come see him on the 19th.  I asked her what I was supposed to do until then...she said she would call me if there were any cancellations.
 
So--just to clarify, I didn't get to actually see my pdoc today, he was too busy...But I am absolutely disgusted with the fact that my messages were not returned.  I called Crisis last night and they too, were no help. 
 
I am so upset about the lack of professional support.  I can't really get a different pdoc either b/c there aren't any in my area taking patients...At least not that I know of...I should look back into that maybe....
 
I don't even know how I am functioning.  Actually for the first time in awhile (except for school) I was a complete zombie this week.  At home I haven't been able to do anything...or eat anything.  Anyway, that's my update guys...Oh, and CMHA did call back.  I should be meeting with that person next week.  Ugh....Boy are they gonna have their hands full.
 
Thank you all again for your support...And LFW, I will give my bf a massage tonight, I agree that this is important.  He has been wonderful.  Thanks LFW, big hugs.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/8/2007 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm disgusted too, Mogli, for you. That's just awful. What awful care, what dreadful options. What are the hospitals around there like?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/8/2007 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs, How far away is the nearest "big city" to you? If it is Toronto, they should have a lot of pdoc's, and there should be also a university with a teaching hospital and a strong psych department. Ask which of their professors are also practicing and takes private patients, and then ask which one is the most versed in BP. Even if you have to travel a bit to get to them, comparably it would be better than the level of care you are receiving. Additionally, I still think you should at least explore the Trileptal as a mood stabilizer option. Neither my H, nor S has negative side effects on this one. They do couple it with the antidepressant drug. One is on Zoloft, one Paxil & Wellbrutrin.

Make sure that you let your bf know that you are doing this as a way of giving back to him out of your deep love and appreciation for all he has been doing for you. The effort you put into that message will then have even more meaning.

As to what to do for your immediate emotional needs...stick to the basics my dear. If you cry, think of it as a physical response like a sneeze...NOTHING MORE. You control for the moment what your realities are. Think of it like being a pilot - do you trust what you see, or do you trust your controls and gages in the simulator? Go with the manual simulator gages to rely on. DISREGARD THE REST. It doesn't matter how real it feels inside...just tell yourself for today, I am not going to listen...if tears come out...so they come out and I'll get on with things anyway. Oh look...I don't have a runny nose...I have runny eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT.... Do cheerful things, bake, make yummy fresh homemade chicken soup from scratch (that always makes everyone feel better anyway! I have a FABULOUS recipe if you want it.) - then you can freeze it and have it whenever you want. BAKE BREAD FROM SCRATCH...it is amazing how therapeutic it is to kneed dough, and in the end you have something fresh and YUMMY to eat. Even the most upset tummy loves soft delicious bread...and it is good with the soup too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This are all tummy warming, comforting and healing foods! Give it a go to do productive things to get you through it.

Hang in there Mogs, you will work this through and it WILL be okay. Keep touching base with us. LFW
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