New Member: Diviyuro

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serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/5/2007 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
{I've moved Diviyuro's post here from another, older thread. Please respond to it here. Thanks, serafena.}

New Member

Hi,

I'm on here looking for answers and support after my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me last night yet again. He has BD. I'm sure he'll eventually come crawling back, but at this point I need to be strong enough to refuse to take him back unless he goes for counseling (he especially needs cognitive therapy to learn how to better handle stress, conflict, etc), which I can't see him doing...but maybe someday he'll reach a point where he has nothing left to lose and is willing to give it a try. He's been very good about taking his meds (lithium--currently Eskalith) for the 20 years since his diagnosis, so the problem here is more of a behavioral nature (needing to learn new ways of relating to people and dealing with people/things).

At this point I don't know whether I should even consider taking him back (and possibly marrying him someday) if he is willing to try counseling, or if it's a lost cause and I'm better moving on for the sake of my own mental health and that of my young childrens', as some friends and family believe I should.

Many of these posts described exactly what I've been through and thus have been very helpful and enlightening (such as the person who described the jekyll and hyde, loves me one day, hates me the next etc (although I thought that was a symptom of borderline personality disorder and am not sure I'd ever heard it in relation to bipolar?).

One of the problems is that he does not want me to tell anyone he has BD. After dealing with the stigma and negative reactions in the past, he's built a new life where his friends and coworkers don't know, and I'm not supposed to tell anyone (including my own friends or family, even those he'll never meet or come in contact with), which has been very hard on me when I need support and can't talk to anyone because no one's supposed to know. He's finally built a protective fortress around himself and surrounded himself with people who don't know and that security he's built for himself is being threatened by me. He says that makes me the "weak link" in his life and he can't have that happen so he needs to eliminate that weak link (me), I think he's afraid the house of cards he's built around himself where no one knows (thus he no longer has to worry/wonder what people are thinking/saying about him behind his back, since no one knows) will come crumbling down. So he feels threatened and exposed. He would probably not even consider reconciling with me unless I agreed to continue protecting him and his secret. This isn't to say no one in his life knows about it or that I don't have ANYONE I can talk to about it, but it is not allowed to be discussed in his presence nor does he want it discussed at all in general.

I'm just trying to figure this all out and figure out whether there's any potential here or not. I do love him very much and he's a great person, but I know I can't do this anymore unless something changes.

Thanks.
Diviyuro
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/6/2007 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Diviyuro,
 
Welcome to Healingwell. I know there are people around here that are dealing with situations similar to yours and I am sure you will find the support you are looking for. Hopefully they will chime in soon.
 
In my opinion your ex-boyfriend is manipulating you (which is very comon in a lot of bi-polar cases) by making you cover up his illness for him.  He needs to come to terms with it and start dealing with it before any healing can begin.
 
There are many previous posts on the boards with suggestions from people who live/date/are married to people who have bi-polar. Some of who are working hard at managing it, some who are finally starting to manage it and sadly some that ignore it. I'm sure reading those will give you the basic protocol on how to deal with someone who refuses to get treatment and take control back into their lives...for you and your ex-boyfriend.
 
Try reading the posts from Casem, Wickedlycoolcomfort, hawaiian17, whiskey, scared wife and need advise: starting on page 7  (and  working backwards.)
 
You will find a lot of similarities and basically states that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves and you need to decided if you are going to stay on the path of being miserable if they choose not too.
 
It sounds like he really needs to get into some talk therapy. Continue to post. We are here for you. This is just something to get started on. Wishing you the best!
 
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 11/6/2007 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Diviyuro,
 
I would like to welcome you to the HW family and the Bipolar Forum.  I hope you find the support you are looking for here, there are lots of people who have been through a similar situation.
 
I'm with Sukay, your ex is definetly manipulating you and the situations you are in like hiding his illness from even his close ones.  And yes, he has to deal with it himself, you couldn't force him to do so.
 
There are previous posts that are relationship based that you should read, and Sukay has listed some of them.
 
Please know we are here for you and continue to post.
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder, PTSD, GERD
Meds: Lithium, Tegretol, Buspar, Clonazepam
Support HealingWell:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

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