I am so sorry that you are hurting and I wish I were there to help you. However, I will give you my perspective and honest/blunt opinions on this situation. I am not trying to be mean or cruel to you in any way, but you asked for a different perspective. So, here is mine.
I honestly do not believe that Michael was telling you that he’s not attracted to you or that he doesn’t love you. I think he was trying to tell you that he has finally figured out that HE NEEDS TO FOCUS ON HIMSELF AND GETTING BETTER. I think he’s saying that focusing on himself and trying to make the relationship better is just too much for him. Each of those things require a lot of work and maybe he just doesn’t have enough resources within himself to work on both of them at once. His focus has to be on him getting better and to me it sounds like he has a lot of work to do to get himself and his life together. Just like your focus has to be on you getting better.
Feeling rejected, hurt, and unlovable are all natural feelings when a relationship ends. You need to work through them the best that you can. If you journal, write your thoughts down; go for long walks and focus on the good things around you; if you have a hobby do more work with it, if you don’t have one - maybe you could try picking one up to help fill the alone time with something to do. Just make sure it’s something that you’ll really be able to get into. Remember the good times you had together, not the bad ones. Do whatever it is that will work for you to get through these awful feelings. I’m glad that if felt therapeutic for you to pack up the rest of his belongings, this is probably the first step for you to start healing. In time, these feelings will dissipate as long as you work through them. As you know, you will have up days and down days - just take them as they come and do the best you can.
I have to say that in my very honest and very blunt opinion that I think this is probably the best thing for the both of you. You both have a great deal of work to do to get better and that should be the priority for each of you. If you are able to remain friends without anything else being involved and not feeling hurt, rejected, etc. then that may be ok. But, if you can’t see him without feeling those feelings, then it’s probably best you don’t see him. You can’t keep opening the wounds that you are trying to heal. Just a word of warning, and I’m only saying this as a caution because I don’t know what type of person Michael is - don’t let him back into your life if all he is going to do is take/sponge from you. You can’t do that to yourself and honestly, that’s not good for him either.
Try surrounding yourself with friends and family during this time so you don’t feel so alone. Especially during the upcoming holidays, this time will be hard for you - don’t make it harder on yourself by being alone on the holidays.
I will say it one more time - please focus and work on you getting better. I hope I've helped, if only a little bit. We here at HW care about you and will help you through this tough time. Just keep posting and let us know how you are feeling and what’s going on.
Many (((((very gentle))))) hugs for you.
A slip of the foot you may soon recover,
but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
Post Edited (wen4003) : 11/14/2007 12:21:43 PM (GMT-7)
OK....I just had a thought that made me feel a bit better....especially for those of you who are familiar with my story....
He did also say that he knows he can't give me what I need right now. I should feel good about myself knowing that, in some way, I have been a positive influence in his life. In the past few months, my strength to STOP the madness and not enable him to manipulate me and use me could have been one of the things that helped him to finally get help. Right? I asked him to leave, I stopped being the sponge. I stopped making it easy for him to ignore his illness. I am having trouble being just friends with him now that he is getting better, but I was strong enough to ask him to leave and confront him with his illness when he was out of control.
I just need to keep being strong for me. In turn, that will most likely give him strength. That is what most likely helped him to find some strength and courage in the first place. I can't sit here and feel bad that he just wants to be friends right now. There is a master plan. If the plan is for us to be together...I need to trust that we will be. As long as I make each small decision along the way with the best of intentions and for the right reasons....I will be fine. If it isn't meant to be.....there must be another plan for me.
Why am I underestimating my significance in his life though? Is that a trait of a bp person.....the ability to make someone feel terribly unimportant? Or is that just Michael being an arrogant jerk right now? Really....I have been one of the biggest influences in his life in the past few years....and I don't think it's a coincidence that I was hospitalized.....and a week later he checked himself into the same hospital.
I am a good person. And he can't give me what i truly want right now. I shouldn't settle for less. I shouldn't get caught up in the glimmer of hope that I see in his eyes as he starts his new journey.....I should give us both a lot of room.....and not forget how much I have helped him so far. I know how much I mean to him. I am a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman and he would be lucky to have a life with me.
Why is it that sometime I become so insecure and so needy and feel so rejected? I know that is what freaks him out and pushes him away and makes things worse. Then I feel even more insecure and rejected and the viscious cycle continues. Thank goodness for pdocs and therapists.
You certainly are in a better frame of mind and I am so happy for you. You have raised a lot of great points - you were big part of his life, you stopped the madness so can't manipulate you, you stopped making it easy for him to ignore his illness, you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who has a lot to offer in life. You are a great person and don't ever settle for less than what you need, want and deserve - you deserve to be happy and well.
Unfortunately, I think part of BP illness makes us insecure IMO - especially when it comes to relationships. Illness or not, when a relationship ends most people often feel insecure and rejected - so don't take that as just being a BP trait because it's not. Maybe you can break that vicious cycle in time, as you get better. You will be able to see things clearer and will be able to figure just what it is you want from life.
So, you strong, beautiful, intelligent woman - focus on you, get better and you can go from there.
Again, I am so happy that you are doing better. Keep up the hard work and keep posting so we know how you are doing.
Lots of Big Bear ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you for being such a strong force for youself.
Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Probable Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety
Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Celexa, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/15/2007 11:46:49 PM (GMT-7)