I am hurting today and looking for a different perspective....

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Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/14/2007 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Although Michael and I have been supporting eachother lately through our struggles, it has become quite clear to me that it is very difficult to be "just friends". he has been wonderful....checking in on me before and after each appt., helping me around the house, and generally spending quality time together....but I find myself wanting more. We are both adjusting to our meds, and working on ourselves, but I want to see him more and talk to him more....and even live with him again.....
 
I am so proud of both of us for actively addressing our mental and physical healthy issues. Like I said in previous posts, I am shocked he has gone as far as he has! His oupatients starts today and he is still on his meds! You all now how aggressively I am pursuing my health! I just thought when he was ready to choose wellness...we would be partners....
 
We had a lovely conversation about me feeling like I am in limbo and this is what he had to say..."I love you and care for you very much, but I don't think you can comprehend how deep of a hole I am in right now and I am just beginning to climb out. I am sorry for so many things, and I know I have hurt you so much, and I take responsibility for the terrible things I have done.  All I can offer you right now is friendship, and I would really like that for us. I am sorry I am making this so difficult." Then he said. "I am living in my dad's basement. No one in my life even trusts me enough to give me one dollar. My cell phone is shut off, and my car is about to be reposessed..... I feel that if I start to focus on our relationship again, I will slip right back into the same bad habits and I will be right back in the same bad place. I am not in any position to be thinking about a serious relationship."
 
I packed up the rest of this things in the house and asked him to pick them up last night. He and his dad did just that....and it was a bit therapuetic...like I am a bit less in limbo...but it still hurts. I feel so rejected. Were his words just a nice way of saying...I am not attracted to you anymore, I don't love you at all, but I really like what you give me as a friend, so I would like to keep you around as a friend. Why do I feel so rejected? Why do I feel so unloveable? Thanksgiving is in 8 days, Christmas in 6 weeks, and I won't be with the family I have been with for 3 years. Am I looking at this wrong? I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO SAY I SHOULD WORK ON MYSELF...I KNOW, I KNOW,,,but humor me......I am hurtin and rejected....and feeling very alone....
 
Casem
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 11/14/2007 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Casem,

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting and I wish I were there to help you.  However, I will give you my perspective and honest/blunt opinions on this situation.  I am not trying to be mean or cruel to you in any way, but you asked for a different perspective.  So, here is mine.

 

I honestly do not believe that Michael was telling you that he’s not attracted to you or that he doesn’t love you.  I think he was trying to tell you that he has finally figured out that HE NEEDS TO FOCUS ON HIMSELF AND GETTING BETTER.  I think he’s saying that focusing on himself and trying to make the relationship better is just too much for him.  Each of those things require a lot of work and maybe he just doesn’t have enough resources within himself to work on both of them at once.  His focus has to be on him getting better and to me it sounds like he has a lot of work to do to get himself and his life together.  Just like your focus has to be on you getting better.

 

Feeling rejected, hurt, and unlovable are all natural feelings when a relationship ends.  You need to work through them the best that you can.  If you journal, write your thoughts down; go for long walks and focus on the good things around you; if you have a hobby do more work with it, if you don’t have one - maybe you could try picking one up to help fill the alone time with something to do.  Just make sure it’s something that you’ll really be able to get into.  Remember the good times you had together, not the bad ones.  Do whatever it is that will work for you to get through these awful feelings.  I’m glad that if felt therapeutic for you to pack up the rest of his belongings, this is probably the first step for you to start healing.  In time, these feelings will dissipate as long as you work through them.  As you know, you will have up days and down days - just take them as they come and do the best you can.

 

I have to say that in my very honest and very blunt opinion that I think this is probably the best thing for the both of you.  You both have a great deal of work to do to get better and that should be the priority for each of you.  If you are able to remain friends without anything else being involved and not feeling hurt, rejected, etc. then that may be ok.  But, if you can’t see him without feeling those feelings, then it’s probably best you don’t see him.  You can’t keep opening the wounds that you are trying to heal.  Just a word of warning, and I’m only saying this as a caution because I don’t know what type of person Michael is - don’t let him back into your life if all he is going to do is take/sponge from you.  You can’t do that to yourself and honestly, that’s not good for him either.

 

Try surrounding yourself with friends and family during this time so you don’t feel so alone.  Especially during the upcoming holidays, this time will be hard for you - don’t make it harder on yourself by being alone on the holidays.

 

I will say it one more time - please focus and work on you getting better.  I hope I've helped, if only a little bit.  We here at HW care about you and will help you through this tough time.  Just keep posting and let us know how you are feeling and what’s going on.

 

Many (((((very gentle))))) hugs for you.

 

Wen

 


Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Probable Narcolepsy, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety and PTSD
 
Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Celexa, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER
 

A slip of the foot you may soon recover,

but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.

Benjamin Franklin

 

Post Edited (wen4003) : 11/14/2007 12:21:43 PM (GMT-7)


sophieWVU
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 11/14/2007 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
One way I can think of it is getting better requires you to be a bit selfish in the sense of putting your needs first.  That makes being in a relationship impossible.  I don't think he was being dishonest at all.  And it was great that he was willing to lay it out and the table instead of leading you on.  That's a good sign.  If you both work on yourselves, and if you do both really love each other, the relationship will happen later on when you're both ready.  I know when I tried to be best friends with my ex while having a motive of getting back together, I wasn't able to share my true feelings about what I was going through.  And that was hard b/c he was my best friend.  You gotta let go of the relationship for now, but the future could hold anything.  Hope that helps. 

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/14/2007 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   

OK....I just had a thought that made me feel a bit better....especially for those of you who are familiar with my story....

He did also say that he knows he can't give me what I need right now. I should feel good about myself knowing that, in some way, I have been a positive influence in his life. In the past few months, my strength to STOP the madness and not enable him to manipulate me and use me could have been one of the things that helped him to finally get help. Right? I asked him to leave, I stopped being the sponge. I stopped making it easy for him to ignore his illness. I am having trouble being just friends with him now that he is getting better, but I was strong enough to ask  him to leave and confront him with his illness when he was out of control.

I just need to keep being strong for me. In turn, that will most likely give him strength. That is what most likely helped him to find some strength and courage in the first place. I can't sit here and feel bad that he just wants to be friends right now. There is a master plan. If the plan is for us to be together...I need to trust that we will be. As long as I make each small decision along the way with the best of intentions and for the right reasons....I will be fine. If it isn't meant to be.....there must be another plan for me.

Why am I underestimating my significance in his life though? Is that a trait of a bp person.....the ability to make someone feel terribly unimportant? Or is that just Michael being an arrogant jerk right now? Really....I have been one of the biggest influences in his life in the past few years....and I don't think it's a coincidence that I was hospitalized.....and a week later he checked himself into the same hospital. 

I am a good person. And he can't give me what i truly want right now. I shouldn't settle for less. I shouldn't get caught up in the glimmer of hope that I see in his eyes as he starts his new journey.....I should give us both a lot of room.....and not forget how much I have helped him so far. I know how much I mean to him. I am a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman and he would be lucky to have a life with me.

Why is it that sometime I become so insecure and so needy and feel so rejected? I know that is what freaks him out and pushes him away and makes things worse. Then I feel even more insecure and rejected and the viscious cycle continues. Thank goodness for pdocs and therapists.


 
Casem
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 11/15/2007 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Casem,

You certainly are in a better frame of mind and I am so happy for you.  You have raised a lot of great points - you were big part of his life, you stopped the madness so can't manipulate you, you stopped making it easy for him to ignore his illness, you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who has a lot to offer in life.  You are a great person and don't ever settle for less than what you need, want and deserve - you deserve to be happy and well.

Unfortunately, I think part of BP illness makes us insecure IMO - especially when it comes to relationships.  Illness or not, when a relationship ends most people often feel insecure and rejected - so don't take that as just being a BP trait because it's not.  Maybe you can break that vicious cycle in time, as you get better.  You will be able to see things clearer and will be able to figure just what it is you want from life. 

So, you strong, beautiful, intelligent woman - focus on you, get better and you can go from there.

Again, I am so happy that you are doing better.  Keep up the hard work and keep posting so we know how you are doing.

Lots of Big Bear ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you for being such a strong force for youself.

Take care,

Wen


Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Probable Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

 

Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Celexa, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER

 

A slip of the foot you may soon recover,

but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.

Benjamin Franklin

 


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/15/2007 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wen
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I know I can ramble and a lot, and be all over the place, but I think I have confused a lot of people...so just to clarify....I am not diagnosed bp...michael is diagnosed bp. Alot of my insecurities come from my own isssues (anxiety/depression, eating disorder, father/abandonment thing, etc.) - so I was kind of directing those questions to myself - separate from Michael's bp. I apologize for the confusion....thanks for trying to keep up and offer such comforting words of wisdom!
 
Casem
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/15/2007 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem, I have thought for the last day about what you shared regarding what Michael said to you, and the feelings you have coming up about him. Here is the bottom line about it…It’s blatant, so get ready…

1. You are tempting yourself and setting yourself up for this pain by this friendship with him before EITHER of you are well enough to handle the emotions that can come up (and are). Think Adam and Eve and the apple. The fantasy of your life together is your apple! But right now, it is ONLY a fantasy as you both have a long way to go. When you get there, you may not be compatible at all for each other anymore anyway. So stop having this unfulfilled foreplay together – IT IS UNHEALTHY AND SABATOGING FOR YOU. It will ONLY lead to more pain, frustration and tears – plus it will be a distracting excuse to avoid the work towards your own wellness.
2. Michael was being, IMO, responsible when he said what he said to you about his emotional unavailability. Healthiest thing he could have said. That showed the first signs of respect for him self, and you, that I have heard that had some honesty attached to it.
3. Your need to be acknowledged as important in his recovery and his life at this time serves what? Proves what to you? The fact is, you had a relationship with this man for 3 years. He turned out to be unhealthy, and you discovered some of your own issues in the process of the relationship. You decided to get well, and told him that you would no longer accept less than you deserved and desired and therefore it was essentially over, as he was too unhealthy to fulfill that. If he ever did get well, you would consider revisiting the possibilities if you were still available, if and when, that time came. You then went and got help and got on the road to recovery for YOURSELF.  By you doing this, you lead by example about getting well…you paved the way for him to be willing to face himself and get help too. So were you instrumental to his recovery…by example - YES. Is he getting well FOR you? No. He is getting well for him self and will REASSESS his life at that point when he achieves wellness enough to think of others again. But that road is long off. Plus, and “thank you’s” for your strength and courage and love….etc…will not come, IF EVER, for some time. So here is what I need to say to you…LET THAT GO! It does not serve you in any way, shape or form. You should NOT need Michael to pat you on the back to PROVE to yourself that you had been important to him, you should already know that, or you should learn to do that for yourself. Acknowledge yourself; for having grown up enough to say…”this is what I want for my life, I will accept nothing less, I am worth it!” ; and then doing what it is going to take for yourself to get well in your life to the point that you can have that, and participate in that. This should NOT require accolades from someone else. You need to accept them from yourself and have that be enough. Then if you do get acknowledged by others…it is ICING on the cake…not the cake itself. Does that make sense?
4. If you are feeling insecure…look to your OWN process and recovery to discover why YOUR acknowledgements of yourself are not enough, and work on THAT. THAT has nothing to do with Michael. That my dear is about you. So…get on with it and work on improving that. AGAIN…that does not involve Michael.
5. The hardest and most scary thing in the world is when you get what you ask for, and you are left alone with only yourself to face. But, it is also the healthiest place to realize that you can count on yourself to face your own demons, and learn that the fear of what you will realize or learn, is always worse that the realities. That’s when perspective in life is yours for the taking.
6. Thanksgiving….Here’s what you do….
a. Call some close friends and invite them over for Friday or Saturday night “Friends Thanksgiving Night” at your place. Then, plan your menu and cook up a storm. Make it so special the way YOU want it.
b. Call your mom and sisters and create a loving, warm, intimate Thanksgiving for Thursday that is just about you guys. You are all going through a lot, for various reasons based on what you have shared. Rent a few loving family holiday movies, watch the football games together, whatever….after your terrific turkey dinner plan on cuddling up together and watch away...do each others toe nails with special decals just for fun – it doesn’t matter. Just turn it into a “slumber party Thanksgiving”, or something special like that, and make it exclusive to just the members of your intimate family you want to be with…even if it is JUST your mom and you.
c. Set the rest of the holiday season up in advance the same way - focusing on friends and the family members you really WANT TO SEE, and LEAVE the others out of it. Make each individual thing sweet, special, warm and loving. The only key…DO NOT INCLUDE MICHAEL. Make that YOUR choice for your own wellbeing.

Well, that is my input for you Casem, for whatever it is worth to you. You can victimize yourself, or empower yourself. The choice is yours. I have faith you will choose well. BIG hugs to you! LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/15/2007 11:46:49 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/16/2007 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I think he just did the best thing he ever could have done for you. He just gave you the Christmas Present of all Christmas Presents. It hurts, but he gave you your freedom. And I bet you, if pressed, he would admit it hurts him a lot too -- he gave you up -- The one woman who forced him to grow up and be a man.

I'm so sorry for your pain Casem. I'm sure there was still love holding out there. And maybe someday there can be more. But I maintain he just did you a huge favor. Move on with your life. Be his friend. But focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. And let the magic happen for you.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/17/2007 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I really do appreciate all of the time you arel taking and the kind words you are sharing to try to inspire me to move forward in a healthy way. That is just not how I see things right now, and your words, although sincere and meaningful, sound easier said than done.

No matter how it is analyzed or what is said, nothing can take away the pain I feel right now. Sometimes it is shock. Sometimes it is a pit in my stomach. Sometimes the tears just won't stop. And then sometimes I am ok. And then there are times when it just doesnt seem right. I want to stand up and argue with someone because it just doesn't seem fair. This wasn't supposed to happen, this isn't the way it was supposed to be. There are so many things about us that work, there are so many things about our life that DO click.....then along came this THING....this thing that is now consuming our world and sucking the energy out of everything, and has brought all of the bad and the ugly out of both of us to the surface. So, we do the courageous thing....we do the hard thing... we face the bad and the ugly head on and we deal with it.....and what happens......we lose each other in the process.

I could have kept going on, like most people.......let life keep going on day after day content with mediocrity. I could have let him stay. He didn't beat me, he didn't cheat on me. It wasn't terrible...it just wasn't fantastic, but we loved eachother, and there were good times, too. The majority of the time was good. I was hurting then, too, just only at certain times....during bad episodes, or bad fights. Now, my pain is so deep and so consistent....which pain is worse? Like you said....be careful what you wish for.

I hate reading the quotes telling me to move on with my life. Why? Because I know it's right...but I am so far from being ready to accept the advice....and I know that means I am even farther from actually doing it. I hate that he is so ready to move forward. When in the heck did that happen? Since Laurelwood, I have only had one appt. with my pdoc., and he has been in 3 weeks of therapy. My progress has been slow.....and I AM MAD.

When I asked him to leave it was supposed to be so he would get his s**t together so WE could have a better life. I can't get past the fact that he isn't running back to me. I can't stop asking myself the question....why doesn't he want to be with me now that he is getting better? It wasn't supposed to be this way. I am ok for messed up people with issues, but not for people who are healthy and want a better life?

And, yes, I know, therein lies my own answer. How can I possibly be ready for a relationship with him, even if he were healthy....if I haven't dealt with my own demons or addressed my own issues? Because one thing is for sure....my issues definitely became very apparent through this whole drama. Why is it so easy for me to ignore my issues, though, and continue to obsess on his?
 
Casem
 


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/17/2007 4:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Tonight I went out with a friend of mine...we saw two movies for the price of one (shh....don't tell)....Fred Clause (C-) and American Gangster (A+). It was nice to get out!
 
Anyway.....the more I think about the "friends" thing with Michael....I am leaning toward NOT. But I just want to throw a few more thoughts out there for the usual unbiased and hardcore feedback that I have grown so accustomed to. :-)
 
I tend to analyze things quite a bit, and I also am very high maintenance. I admit both readily. I have probably had a conversation with Michael about whether or not we should be friends (and to what extent, and what the rules should be, etc.), everyday, for about two weeks now. Sometimes it is only a few minutes, sometimes it could be as long as an hour. My biggest concerns are that I will be taken advantage of, that he just wants me in his life to take the good, never give anything in return, until something better comes along, blah, blah, blah. My point is....he talks to me about it every single time. Yes, sometimes he gets very frustrated because he is answering the same question (literally) for the 37th time, but he answers it. Sometimes he gets mad because the Seroquel makes him so tired but I insist on keeping him on the phone to talk about it for "just 5 more minutes". In the middle of his recovery....he is still dealing with me and my issues. I guess I keep focusing on how he "doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me" but would someone who doesn't love me do all of that (above)...maybe that is literally all he can give right now.
 
My point is....here I am thinking about how much I could get hurt....and how he could be using me and how me may not love me.....and the truth is....he probably loves me so much...and I may not be a very good thing for him right now. I may be an impediment to him and his recovery. And because I love him and want what's best for him, not just because I love me and want what's best for me...... I should move on. Unfortunately, I may be a bit too high maintenance for him right now (or ever) and this just isn't fair to someone who is recovering or trying to get healthy.
 
Casem
 


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/17/2007 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
By they way,
Do you see how my perspective changes every 15 minutes? What is up with that?
 
Casem
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/17/2007 11:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Casem, What's up with that is fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And why it is easier to focus on this stuff with Michael is because it is less scary than focusing on yourself and you own issues. IMO it is called an excuse to avoid. Re-read what you wrote a few times, do you see how you are obsessing on this situation? That alone will become tedious to anyone who isn't dealing with "issues" after a while, someone with issues it will in time overwhelm. Then in the end you will destroy all the good..."That's called a self fulfilling prophecy to create your own abandonment to keep the cycle going". Only you have the power to stop this. I am not saying there has not been a lot of good between you, but there is nothing wrong with getting well first, and then revisiting the possibilities at a later date if so desired. But the cling at this level - Not healthy for either of you. The truth is Casem, you know the right answers already, and you just don’t want to do them. And the tears…let them out. Just sit and cry until the tears stop…but make sure they are really about Michael. It is amazing how grief can get lumped together from our past that we never let ourselves experience before.

Casem, you are a strong, wonderful woman…start letting yourself heal and live. I know the future for you is waiting and desiring your presence. LFW

Scared_Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/17/2007 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem,

me too! My emotions change all the time... I think LFW is right part of it is Fear... Fear of being alone, of moving on , of what's left out there for me.... will I ever be able to trust anyone ever again?

Part of it is Anger.... I had a dream of a perfect Husband and raising a family and I am darned mad that that's not happening...

Part of it is confusion, has he always lied to me? ... did he ever love me? Am I the one who's crazy?

Oh and then there's My personal Favorite... GUILT.... I feel like oh if I wouldn't have said that... or did this... or went there... or what ever...

These thoughts run through my head depending on who I am with, what song is on, how tired I am and what ever...

My point is your not alone.... I do understand your desperation and your pain and I wish I could reach trough the screen and Hug you...Be Strong.... I am thinking of you....

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/18/2007 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I do see, and I understand. And I feel the waves of grief reaching through the monitor. I'm so sorry, Casem. There's no pill for that. That's just grief. You were supposed to do this FOR YOU. Not for him, but for you. In then end, that is who it's for. Doesn't feel like it right now, but it sure will later, when he's long gone and you're married with kids. Trust me. That's how it happens.

What you're not allowed to do is blame this on yourself. You're not allowed to say "I'm to high maintenance, I'll just hold him back." Nope. Not okay. You're just beautiful and you. You're just two people who aren't going to work out right now. What happens 6 months from now is anyone's guess. But right now you're done. Try and enjoy your break as best you can. Don't blame yourself. No guilt. You didn't ruin nothing. You probably saved him.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/19/2007 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
To everyone: Thank you all so much for listening to my whining and complaining and venting and crying and on and on and on.....I appreciate all of your loving, generous, kind words. I don't know what I would do without your help!

Serafena and LFW......you each offer the perfect balance to eachother's posts. Serafena softens the harsh realities of LFW's pearls of wisdom! I want and need them both...so don't ever stop!
 
Casem
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/19/2007 7:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Laughing -- we're like a self-help Vaudeville act, LFW. :-) I'm the short one.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/21/2007 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
cool  Hi Casem,
 
Just wanted to say "Hey!" Hope you have a Great Day! yeah
Thinkin about you (((Hugs)))
~Sukay~
 
Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/26/2007 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I am not exactly tall...?? Maybe I am the butterball round one? But, I am not exactly round either....Okay...how's this...in a comic act, I would be considered the straight man????

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/26/2007 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I think you two could sell tickets....
 
Thanksgiving was kind of tough. It was exactly one year since the last day I saw my grandad before he had his massive stroke. He held my head in both his hands, winked at me kissed me, and said he loved me. My dad and I proceeded to get in to a huge fight, he told me to go **** myself, and I left. I missed the last thanksgiving dinner I could've ever had with my grandfather. And had the biggest fight of my life with my father....one year ago on Thurday.
 
But I got through it. I hit a yellow concrete bollard outside CVS, but I got through it.  It was quiet, and I had a nice dinner with my immediate family.....and I worked the next day. 
 
My pdoc. increased my topamax again, now a gradual increase from 125 mg 2x/day up to 200 mg 2x/day and 1mg xanax xr 2x/day ....i am starting to feel much better.
 
The sleep study results are in....severe sleep apnea....i am fitted for my mask....my unit should be delivered next week. The titration overnight sleep study is 12/14. I am just rolling right along....broken heart and all.......
 
Casem
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/27/2007 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, you are rolling right along...as you should, and as you are highly capable of doing. That is a FABULOUS quality and ability. Be proud of yourself for that.

I understand your sorrow about your grandfather; I had a similar experience with my grandmother. We had plans to get together, I had to cancel and reschedule due to "whatever" coming up, and 2 days later she passed away in a fire. So I lost my last chance to see her, exchange "I love you's"...etc. So here is what I can say... You must let that part go. You had your moment when he said he loved you and held your face in his hands. The rest... you just need to let go. You can't change that fact that we all are participating in life and it is ever-changing on a daily basis, from one moment to the next. And as much as we want to have a heads up with tragedy, we can't. We have to take our moments when they come, however they play out in life, and cherish those. The "but if only's" just keeps us sad and stuck, and our loved ones wouldn't want that for us. They loved us too much. No matter what...here's what they knew..."WE LOVED THEM". The moment lost was not going to show them that more than what they already knew from their lifetime with us.

Hang in there and congrats on the sleep news. Now you will get some help and some good sleep! Hugs...LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/27/2007 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I hope the sleep mask helps. I bet the better sleep will help a lot. I'm sorry to hear your grieving still but I can certainly understand. What a year you've had! I hope the Topomax is helping. I think mine is helping me finally too.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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