Need help dealing with bibolar wife

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familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/15/2007 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been married to my wife for eight years and have a four year old daughter.  My wife has always had issues with depression and was just recently diagnosed with bipolar.  We have been having marital problems for about a year.  She says that I have been an ass for the past eight years of our marriage.  I was a cop which added pressure to the situation but I was a cop when we got married.  about a year ago she told me she loved me but she was not in love with me.  I left the house for about two months and just went back to pick up and drop off my daughter from school.  We eventually sold our house and she moved into and apartment with my daughter.  I helped her move in and she let me sleep on the couch for a week or so becasue I did not want to leave my daughter.  The couple weeks turned into 4 months on her couch and then we started doing stuff together.  Then we started having sex again.  Then I started sleeping in the bed with her and we were goin to work things out.   Then we bought a $400,000 house together based on her future earnings and everything seemed to be going fairly well.  She started takin Topomax for the bipolar and everything seemed fine.   about two months ago I started seeing he lack of affection.  No sex for three weeks.  she said she just need some time to herself.  That she was around people all day.  We went to her company dinner and she kept leaving me alone.  I am not a social person.  She left me standing in the hall for over an hour and did not even attempt to find me.  I told her that I felt unimportant to her over the las t three weeks.  She had been drinking.  she told me that she did not love me any more and then I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she said yes. 
 
     about a week later I had an arguemnt with her and I told her she was manic and that her drinking and driving scared me.  She told me she stopped taking he medicine about three weeks prior because it was giving her nightmares.  I told her that she was not acting rational and that I felt she was putting her self in danger and i did not feel safe with her taking my daughter any where when she was acting irrational.  She got very angry at that and threatened to throw the phone at me.  Then she was yelling at me with my daughter in her arms and threatened to hit me in the face.  When I told her to go ahead she told me I was just baiting her.  She also accused me of trying to get her life insurance money and a bunch of other nonsense.
 
     We had another arguement about two days later because I wanted to sleep in the bed and she didn't want me there.  She literally tried to kick me out of the bed and was telling me that I was the one that was psychotic.  i of course argued with her like she was rational but of course she was not.
 
      She is back on her meds and seems to be calmer.  she went on a cruise for work last week and when she left she gave me a hug and rubbed my cheek lovingly.  When she got on the ship she called and lefted a message on the house phone saying she loved me and then one on the cell phone saying she loved us both.  She sounded like she was trying to be very sweet.  She came home and I found out that she put a stop on her mail while she was gone and then she denied saying she loved me.  When I played it on the answering machine she said I took it wrong.
 
     She now seems to be calm but I think she may be slipping into depression.  she is tired all the time.  I think she may have cheated during her manic stage.  She locked her car when she went on her trip so I could not get in it.  She stopped her mail.  I found a receipt for a hotel that isn't even close to the place she was supposed to be going on a sales appointment at.  I found a print out for a love horoscope for a capricorn and a virgo.  She is a capricorn but I am not a virgo.  I also found some sexy stockings and a sexy girdle in the trunk of her car.  it has not been opened but it is there.
 
    I have taken the blame for all the problems in our marriage over the last year.  I thought it really was my thought.  But now I wonder if all of our problems over the last eight years were caused by bipolar.  I have no desire to leave her.  I love her more than anything in this world except my daughter.  I don't think it is up to me any more.  she wants a divorce.  She has not initiated the divorce proceedings to my knowledge but I don't know.
 
     i guess I am just looking for some thought on whether this is all bipolar and she will come back to loving me or if she really wants this to end.  She accepts that she has bipolar but won't take responsibilty for her bad behavior or for any of the problems in our marriage.  I am afraid taht the mean things I said when she was irrational have permanently damaged our marriag.  I read how bipolars don't remeber what happens when they are manic but she remebers everything I said.
 
     Any insite would be appreciated.  Sorry for the rambling

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 11/16/2007 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   

familyman,

Welcome to the HW family and the Bipolar Forum.  There are a lot of people here who have gone through similar experiences as you, who can help you.  I am glad you were able to find us.

Sounds like you are going through a very rough time with your wife.  Your situation is especially hard because your daughter is involved, and your wife keeps getting on and off meds.  Mania is a tough thing to deal with, unfortunatly I am usually the one who is manic and never dealt with the other side.  But I have heard story, after story about how devastating it can be.  I can tell you that mania can get out of control, and the person can lose touch with reality especially if they are having delusions and or hallucinations.

You are in a good place here, keep posting and Hang on.


Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
 
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"Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement."


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/16/2007 8:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi familyman,

Let me echo Olivia in welcoming you to the board. I hope we can offer you some help and support.

As Olivia pointed out, unfortunately, this is not an easy route: there are several people on this board who have had to deal with relationships breaking down during manic phases. There are also plenty of us who have bipolar who can try to offer the opposite point of view and try to explain (to the extent that it's possible) what your wife might be physically and mentally experiencing.

It is extremely common for bipolars to stop taking medication during manic phases. Your first job is to get your wife to her psychiatrist. For whatever reason, her medication isn't doing it's job effectively anymore.

AFTER that, a frank talk about her committment to the marriage is probably in order, but I'd wait until she's open to hearing you.

Good luck.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 11/17/2007 4:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Familyman,
Welcome to HW.
I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I know how painful the manic stage of bipolar disorder can be. My ex-boyfriend of 3-1/2 years (almost 2 of which we lived together) is bp. I agree with serafena and olivia......I hope your wife can see her psychiatrist (pdoc.) as soon as possbile, as it sounds like she is totally off of her meds, or atleast not stable on her meds. Any serious conversation about your marriage isn't going to be possible until she is stable. For the sake of you and your family, the #1 goal should be to get your wife to her pdoc.
Stay Strong!
 
Casem
 


follownhosea
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/17/2007 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
the hardest part of dealing with a loved one whos afflicted with this is staying "focused". when you receive absolutely nothing back from the spouse except for greif,anger, lack of affection...you have to focus on the fact that its the disease and the person you love is still in there. its an odd paradox that the spouse loses emotion and subsequently you have to loose yours on the back burner when dealing with them. your feelings and insecurities get bottled up which leads to frustration and sometimes anger. thankfully theres an outlet for us. whether its prayer,typing on this website, or therapy ourselves. as screwed up as our situations are, its an amazing insight into each of us here dealing with loved ones. Society today has such a cut and run approach, and many of us are doing what should be done,,,in sickness and in health,,,,only God knows if things will work out,,,,,but at least we are doing what needs to be done,,and most importantly what should be done.

be the best spouse you can be so in the future you can say i was self-less and did everything i could.... and have no regrets.

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/17/2007 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
She is backon her meds and seems to be acting better butI am still sleeping on the couch and she still doesn't want to give an affection. Should I attempt to give her hugs of anything? I am really confused. Is the divorce talk real? Am I really an *** ***?

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/17/2007 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I attempted to contact my wifes psychiatrist to let him know how she was acting because I don't think she tells him the truth. The doctor turned around and told her I called without even speaking to me and made the situation even worse. Is this howthese psychiatrist work?

follownhosea
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/17/2007 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
depends on the doc,,,when my wife was really off the wall her sketchbook was all crazy drawings and writings,,,i photocopied them and dropped them off at the docs office without her knowing,,,,it was never brought up........................

Scared_Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/17/2007 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Familyman,
 
I know to well the love/hate roller coaster ride you are experincing way too well.    My Husband has not been diagnosed with anything cause he won't go to a dr... but I see alot of the same things in him that other spouses on here talk about and even alot of what you are saying is going on with your wife.  
 
The first thing I will tell you is I have talked to a number of professionals about what is going on with my husband including his theapist and his paroll officer (minor mischief charge from one of his rampages) and not once did they ever tell him I had... If she trusts her Pdoc and is continuing to see this guy... Set an appointment for yourself and when you go there tell him you are there in confidence, he does need to know what she's not telling him and as he cannot tell you anything because of patient confidentiality he can and should here you out and show you the same respect he shows her....
 
now... Again I have been traveling this road for a year and I have not found the perfect anwser... But...  When, I give him the cold sholder and am not crying and Begging for attention... that is when he seems to want to  Show me affection and "love me"...  At first i would look at this like WOw he's getting better... I now know this is only tell he knows I'm back in.... so here I am like a broken record telling him if he loves me he will get help (In you case taking meds).   
 
My close friend whom is BP explained it to me like this after years of struggle with her husband.... "I would push him away untill I knew he was ready to let go, then I would make sure his heart came back then I would do it again .... It was only when he really left that I got help" 
 
So, I think she loves you... she's just "pushing" and you (and me too for my own case) need to decide when it's far enough....
 
I hope this makes sense, oh and one more thought I have two boys they are with me... How is your wife with your daughter? are you sure she's safe? .... 
 
 

footballfan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 11/18/2007 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. My wife was dx'd in June and now takes Lithium. We have been very lucky that her first med has been the correct med and has stabilized her. I will share what I have learned so far, maybe it can help you, hopefully.

The one thing I saw in your post is that you said that she accepts she has bp but doesn't own up to anything. Does she accept it or does she just know she has it? There is a difference. When my wife was first dx'd she knew she had it, it took a bit for her to accept the fact that she had a lot of work ahead of her, that it wasn't going to simply go away or she could ignore it. She has bought into the work of getting well and maintaining it, but with doing all this work comes facing the bad decisions she has made in her life, owning up to them and knowing that she is not that person, it is a really painful process for her but she is discovering the true her.

We have been married for 15 years, have 2 kids and have lived a relatively normal life. To everyone that knows us they assume we have a perfect marriage, it's not that we have gone out of our way to portray that but we never fight and have always appeared to be on the same page with everything. Several months ago (before she was dx'd) I discovered that she was having an affair, it was a total mind blow to me because she always acted like the good wife and mother, it was totally out of character for her or rather the person that I thought was her. Over the past 7 months everything has come out and I have realized the problems that we have had in our marriage, problems she would never bring up because she had to maintain that perfect wife facade. I guess what I am trying to say is TALK. We never did. She had a lot of strange ideas and beliefs in what she thought I believed. Once they were brought up she discovered a different person in me and I am discovering the true her. She carries around a lot of guilt and shame, sometimes it seems like it will be too much for her but she keeps working and talking.

I don't know if your wifes lack of love and desires to end things are 100% bp or not. She needs to get levelled out, you need to look back on things and then you both need to be able to talk about it, not blame each other for things, but each own up to things you see in yourself, ask the difficult questions to each other, it's not easy finding out that something you have said that seemed to bounce off has really struck the other person at the core and they have held onto it and let it build into resentment. This is what my wife and I do. We ask each other the tough questions and we hear the tough answers. It's not easy to hear it but it really opens your eyes to how the other person feels.

Do your part, but remember that you can only help someone that wants to be helped.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/18/2007 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
If she's seeing her pdoc regularly and she's on meds which are stabilizing her, perhaps suggest some couples therapy? Make it clear to her your first priority is making sure she's healthy and well taken care of. After that, you want to work on the marriage. Are those her priorieties too? If not, it's time to re-assess. In the mean time, yes, I would lean off of the physical affection and let her come to you. She's the unpredictable one. Let her set the boundaries. That's unfortunate but true for now. Give her space.

Where's Chuck. We need him to explain...
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/18/2007 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Scare_wife,

I told my wife I did not feel safe with her having my daughter. When she was off the meds she was drinking and driving alot. I told her this and she exploded and says that I said unforgivable things. When she is rational she is safe but who knows when that is. When she was irrational she threatened violence against me three times.

I love this woman more than anything except my daughter. she thinks her meds are working. I think they are helping but she is still not the way she used to be. I don't know if she ever will be. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything. I feel like she is keeping me dangling from a hook. I feel helpless.

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/18/2007 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
and she is taking my daughter to PA for the holidays. I can not go because I can't get off work. I am scared to death.

Scared_Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/18/2007 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
This sucks, believe me I know..... As much as you love her that little girl needs to come first....

Go to a lawer, ask your rights (she dosn't need to know unless you serve her with papers).... Most Lawers will give you a free consoltation to start with. But do this now, so if you have to act you are armed with information... Is she going to visit family? is there someone there you can confide in and ask them to watch out for her?

I had been trusting my husband to watch our boys on occasion and I came home to him sleeping while my three year old was running around and was in the basement by himself playing with broken glass... The last straw was he put them to bed and left before i got home (our nanny was home but completly unaware that he left) my three year old was not asleep and was up when I got home...

He no longer is allowed to be alone with our children no matter what mood he is in as these days they change so quickly...

Maybe if she is insisting on ending the marridge it is she who leaves! SHe will be angry as hell if it comes to that, but if/when she gets help she will realize you were doing this for her and not to her.... (at least that's what I tell my self)

Good Luck... Keep us posted on what you decide to do....

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/19/2007 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
She is going to see family but I am afraid to say anything about the way she is acting because I dion't want it to back fire like it did when I called her doctor. I don't feel that she is a danger at this point but I had already planned on talking to a lawyer. She hasn't done anything to put our daughter in danger yet but the fact that she was drinking and driving so much and acting irrationally makes me feel like there is potential. I told her this and that is when one of our huge fights happened.

She can't move because I can't afford the house without her. She is the bread winner in the family. Although she is spending the money like it is going out of style. We have separate accounts.

Thanks for the thoughts. It is really helping my own mental health to see people respond to my problems.

Scared_Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 11/19/2007 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I really wish I had a majic anwser for you... I just know i have been through my own personal H3ll this year... And the Man I love has done things I never beleived possible and I found myself in places I never dreamed (such as a lawers office). So I can at least tell you I know how your feeling...

Here's what I know for sure... Follow your Gut.... If your afraid... you have a reason to be.. trust yourself... Find out as much information as you can..But only use what you feel in your heart is right when the time is right....

I am not out of the woods by any means, But everyday I feel stronger and I feel less confused and irritated. I no longer live my life based on his moods... I make plans for me and my boys, and he is always welcome to join if it's for them and his mood is good... however if it's family event and he's miserable we go anyway.
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